| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 12:09:49 AM | Man, it just feels so good to be over a bad relationship and to be able to focus on me. I needed me so much more than she did, and I appreciate me alot more too. Can anyone relate to this?
I used to drive 150-160 minutes round-trip to her place since she had a kid and her time was short. I took in her 4 year-old son like my own and it got to the point where he started calling me "Dad" one day before I had to ... um... take a ride to the store while letting her talk to him about it. I used to take care of her emotional needs, her home cleaning, laundry, always lead in the bedroom, taught her kid alot about everything and also let her adjust my style of dress back to punky/ rocker like when I was a teenager. I was a sucker for her and it's funny looking back on it all.
I think I devalued myself by being so giving and not asking for anything in return. When eventually I started feeling like I wasn't being met halfway by her weekly act of buying me breakfast while we were out at the restaurant, and I started feeling upset, I got met with some pretty rough resistance. It had already been a while and I think she got used to all my caretaking.
When I passed up a $90,000.00 contract to a foreign country, partially for the chance she and I had together, just the fact alone that I couldn't rule out the notion immediatedly seems like it triggered a domino effect of her many diagnosed psychological disorders,(Schizophrenia, BPD, Borderline, undiagnosed Mythomaniacal Tendancies) and this just kept getting worse.
Anyway, I'm free now, it was a back and forth breakup and was months ago. I temporarily damaged my liver trying to drink her away and the PTSD medicine I was on from 2 years as a combat medic in Iraq wasn't too good with the alcohol either.
I wasn't perfect in our union, but will honestly proclaim I was her knight and she was my queen. Anyone wanting to throw in some comments on this stuff is welcomed to. I'm up all night with my work and check my email routinely between periods of being busy.
Later and TY. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 12:26:06 AM | | Now thats done...bag it and throw it away. Think of new stuff to do from now on. I've read some of your comments on the forum and that is one way of filling your time. Keep looking around for other ideas to focus your time and energy on and get off the piss. You are young go find some fun while you pursue new aspirations. good luck! | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 12:38:52 AM | I appreciate you were a combat Medic; however, you are not a psychiatrist and I feel it is unfair to diagnose the woman.
What was it that you needed so badly from her that you permitted the slaughtering of you?
Sounds like you had your own demons challenging you.
^^BG^^ | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 12:42:03 AM | It is extremely liberating to be out of a bad relationship.
I was in one myself for 6 months, why I even let it go that long is beyond me.
take the time to find yourself, learn from that relationship and move on.
You can now see what you could not before and that will only give you more insight to who you are and what you want out of life and within a relationship. It is amazing how blind we become in a relationship, and how much we can see once we are out of it, and then smack ourselfs for not seeing it sooner. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 12:53:45 AM | Cool. Only the mythomaniacal tendancies were (unofficially) diagnosed by me, the other things were her own admissions as being diagnosed. My background allows me to operate in any arena of the military medical world once sufficient experience and medical directive authorizes my performance there, and minor to moderate emergent and non-emergent mental-health assessment and planning are well within my personal range of practice, if I were authorized to perform in the civilian setting. I don't lightly dispense diagnosis, nor am I officially capable of diagnosis to anyone civilian or since my licensure has expired, plus I am not working under a physician. My description of her complexes was intended to illustrate the unleashed demons I got crushed by.
Yes, I have my own burdens, but the one that activated the heaviest in that arena was extending myself too far and then getting upset when it was taken for granted. I appreciate your check. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 1:00:13 AM | What I needed from her, were two things...
#1. She was frequently making snide comments in passing conversation, which was a new trait of hers, appearing after we first started having problems. I wanted this to stop. It wasn't appropriate and I got into further hot water upon enacting a step in a book our therapist gave us, by pointing out on the spot when she would be speaking to me in a manner I didn't appreciate.
I wanted the snide comments to end.
#2. I was doing alot for her since we got started and just wanted her to make some unusual gestures of affection. Nothing spectacular, but when couples on the rocks are both committed to saving things, it's obvious. I became extra sweet to her, verbally and physically. I made many additional gestures of affection: spending hours with the lawn equipment I bought her, using it all to beautify her place/ making special effort with anything that came up/ flowers/ etc.
I wanted to see physical actions to match her verbal words for a change. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 1:16:01 AM | hey rod,I read your thread and then I checked out your profile. You seem to be a very insightful, thoughtful and respectful man. Enjoy your time alone,it only enriches your sense of self, and ultimately you will find a relationship worthy of your heart.
Best of luck to you | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 4:23:50 AM | I used to drive 150-160 minutes round-trip to her place since she had a kid and her time was short. I took in her 4 year-old son like my own and it got to the point where he started calling me "Dad" one day before I had to ... um... take a ride to the store while letting her talk to him about it. I used to take care of her emotional needs, her home cleaning, laundry, always lead in the bedroom, taught her kid alot about everything and also let her adjust my style of dress back to punky/ rocker like when I was a teenager. I was a sucker for her and it's funny looking back on it all.
I think the real problem is you gave more than what you were comfortable giving. That's the problem with giving for the wrong reasons, we end up feeling shortchanged. If you don't want to repeat the same mistakes quit now with playing victim and work on why you felt a need to over exert yourself. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 4:29:36 AM | ^^^ I don't really agree with AA here.... but I am her biggest fanboi and I wanted to post close to her.
Wacka wacka wacka!
-8sf8 | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 4:47:03 AM | will honestly proclaim I was her knight and she was my queen which leads to...
- I used to drive 150-160 minutes round-trip to her place
- I think I devalued myself
- I started feeling like I wasn't being met halfway
- she got used to all my caretaking
- I passed up a $90,000.00 contract to a foreign country
- her many diagnosed psychological disorders
- temporarily damaged my liver trying to drink her away
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well now that it's over, congratulations but i gotta say you set yourself up for all of this bullshit..... beginning with your last quote, which i put in front of you first because it set the stage for every minute of this useless drama. all i can say is i hope you didn't waste too many years of your life with this person. stop enabling crazy people. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 5:03:55 AM | Tell me what you don't agree with....
My answer kind of goes with the above post as well.
I don't think that our actions that devalue ourselves, or put us in a bad situation exonerate other people for acting terribly.
This is kind of an extreme example, but it's like a girl who gets raped after she goes alone to a frat party, with a frat that has a terrible reputation, is one of the only girls there, and drinks anything that is handed to her.
Did she act like a re-re? Yes. Did she make bad decisions? Yes. Does that mean that she "deserved" the rape, or that the rape is any less disgusting and horrible? H3LL no!
Plus, the OP has admitted that he partially pushed himself into the situation.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that screwed up relationships are rarely 50/50. Usually one person really is the cause of most of the issues. Not 100%.. but definitely most. So I do believe that the proper response to the OP is one of empathy.
-8sf8 | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 5:40:04 AM | Wow! From the sound of it, you are the best thing since sliced bread!
I wonder if she tired of hearing that you were?
I have problems with people that do kind deeds only in order to ingratiate themselves and then get ticked off when the anticipated response is not given.
BTW, who lectures a 4 yr old because they called you Dad? You just say "No Sweetie.. I am X, not Dad" and let it go. Me thinks you have your own grandiose delusions to deal with.
Arp | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 5:40:49 AM |
I guess the point I am trying to make is that screwed up relationships are rarely 50/50. Usually one person really is the cause of most of the issues. Not 100%.. but definitely most. So I do believe that the proper response to the OP is one of empathy.
I disagree... where is empathy going to get him? Is it going to encourage his "victim mode" or help him move forward? Probably encourage victim mode more than help him in moving forward. I have been in the OP's shoes... as have many of us. I know for most that I have talked to, once you understand WHY you allowed it to happen, then you can begin to work on your own problems and move forward.
If you don't want to repeat the same mistakes quit now with playing victim and work on why you felt a need to over exert yourself.
In my estimation, ArabianAngel has it right... figure out WHY you felt the need to give and give and give... and then you will be a lot closer to moving forward. Isn't there a saying along the lines that, "If we don't learn from our past mistakes, we are destined to repeat them." | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:08:49 AM | For me, there was certainly a sense of releaf when, due to her decision to end things, I was no longer at all responsible for my ex wife's happiness. She had depression which made it exceedingly hard to actually experience her as a happy person for any length of time. As someone who is an overall optimistic person who tends to look at the bright side of things, I found myself quite worn down. So much negativity happened for no better reason than the imbalanced chemistry in her head. It was such a weight off my shoulders not to feel like it was my duty to do damage control. However, I also had to face the fact that my marriage had ultimately failed. I may have been handed the rest of my life back but that freedom came at the crushing cost of having the most serious commitment I had ever made come to nothing.
Like so many other areas in life, you're left wondering whether your hard won experience and lessons learned will ever count in your favour. So many people see "divorced" and move onwards. Enjoy that sense of releaf while you can. Getting over relationships, even when one hasn't taken the big step of marriage, can be a tricky thing. I can't count the times over this past Summer that I thought that I had at last truly come through it and found my stride. Now, at last, I seem to have actually done it. I can look on the likelyhood that I'll be single for potentially the rest of life and not stop enjoying it. If that comes to pass, it won't be for lack of effort on my part. I've read a lot of comments on these forums about how repellent we can unintentionally be when we get too desperate for company. As usual, I can see both sides of that coin. There are times when we really need someone to care and those can be the very times when nobody sees us as whole people who deserve to be cared about. And yet, a healthy relationship should be built on a foundation of some sort of equivalence. To some extent, we need to wrestle with the demons unleashed in ourselves by a break-up to reach a point of stability before we're truly ready to move forward. A painful paradox of the human condition which I think leads to a lot of needless misery. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:44:21 AM | She was a selfish and crabby woman and you're good to be rid of her. Ignore these attempts to lay on you the blame for her boorish and ungrateful behavior. These women, they are professionals at picking men apart and blaming men. They do it all the time. It's their sport.
Congratulations on graduating from this lesson. Now when you see a woman start to act like that, you can wish her well and move on before wasting your time. Bad relationships come from expecting more of someone than they actually can give, which is easy to do if you are fond of them and it's hard to imagine someone actually behaving as poorly as they seem to. You keep waiting for the balance to shift so that they are good to be with at least most of the time. But it turns out those few minutes of being a good companion that got you interested is their limit, and the rest of the time they are a pain in the neck. They will be saying it's your fault why they aren't being good to you. That's because they use their reward and punishment system to manipulate you. You get on that treadmill and there is no end to running until you step off. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:40:01 AM | Wow - well hugs and congrats on your freedom! Yes, you should be happy to be done in my opinion. Not certain why some people are willing to be the sacrificial lambs in relationships but it sure is sad to watch happen.
Anyone with that many psychological disorders? Is a fruit basket without the basket. Dayuhm.
Dude - skip dating for awhile I think you're picker may need some fine tuning. | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:47:21 AM | | Congratulations on ending the relationship. Now it's time to concentrate on putting your life back together and moving on :-) | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:58:03 AM | | You are far from "over" her. You are making huge strides and probably right in your analysis of her behavior. Truth be told though, when she finally revealed her true self to you, as everyone eventually does, you felt cheated. She was not the type you thought and you wasted your emotion on a person that cannot predict their own behaviors at any given moment. Feel bad for the son, feel relief for yourself. You saved your already tormented ptsd soul lots more aggravation. Avoid co-dependency and move on! | |
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dn999
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Joined: 7/25/2009
Msg: 21 | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 1:44:16 PM |
I don't think that our actions that devalue ourselves, or put us in a bad situation exonerate other people for acting terribly.
There is never a ‘good’ excuse for abuse, nor is there a better one for enabling.
This is kind of an extreme example, but it's like a girl who gets raped after she goes alone to a frat party, with a frat that has a terrible reputation, is one of the only girls there, and drinks anything that is handed to her.
Rape is a violent offense the woman is a victim, she did not CONSENT to this treatment…big difference.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that screwed up relationships are rarely 50/50. Usually one person really is the cause of most of the issues. Not 100%.. but definitely most. So I do believe that the proper response to the OP is one of empathy.
No one’s blamed him, but to continue to feel sorry for himself and not take some responsibility for CONSENTING to this treatment will guarantee a repeat.
She was a selfish and crabby woman and you're good to be rid of her. Ignore these attempts to lay on you the blame for her boorish and ungrateful behavior. These women, they are professionals at picking men apart and blaming men. They do it all the time. It's their sport.
And this is the exact reason why people remain stuck and bitter. It is ALWAYS someone else’s fault.
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:45:25 PM | Me too.
My ex had NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and led a double-life. He was a pathological liar and according to his POF profile (that my older teenage daughter found), he is "very kind, compassionate, and trustworthy" and feels that "honesty is foundational to all good relationships."
I stayed far too long hoping and praying for change. I think I stayed because I was keenly aware of my own imperfections and knew that I made relationship mistakes as well. But overall, I did my best and he put in very little effort and was mean and sadistic.
For 18 long years, I gave & gave hoping that love would prevail and "conquer all." Woah... was I dumb. And worse yet, I received a lot of dumb advise about staying being "best for the kids."
But haven't we all made past relationship mistakes? Don't some of those mistakes include giving to others that can't reciprocate? We shouldn't beat ourselves up, but just learn from our mistakes, learn to value ourselves, and move on. For me moving on meant forgiving my ex for his choices. Now, I'm not so much concerned about him hurting me, but my heart goes out to the next gal destined to find she married Dr. Jekyl and woke up with Mr. Hyde.
I've found that forgiveness has helped me unload the baggage and my load is much lighter. I am wiser today, require more of myself, happier and refuse to dwell on the past. I've learned from my past mistakes and have forgiven him , forgiven myself, and amazingly enough; I still have my self-esteen intact.
What is the best emotion ever?? RELIEF!
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:53:37 PM | | What can one say but better luck finding someone next time. You can not predict how someone acts in a relationship, so she took you for a ride, it happens to us all one time or the other. Its kewl that you liked the kid, lots of them remember you being nice to them when they grow up. Some single women with kids are pissed off at the father and may have something about all guys, like they are owed. But then again I could be wrong also | |
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| Happy to be out of a bad relationship.
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:02:52 PM |
And this is the exact reason why people remain stuck and bitter. It is ALWAYS someone else’s fault. [/quote}
Probably why people stay in such relationships, such as...
Just saying.
A person has to seek comfort somewhere... | |
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