| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 5:05:57 AM | I spent 8 years with a man that I "thought" I wanted to grow old with...THAT was the first 4 to 5 years...then he started drinking more and more the next few years.Then everytime we had a disagreement,or if he even THOUGHT some crazy nonsense in his head, he hit me,drug me by my hair,choked me,you name it.When he put me in the hospital he wound up going to jail,and then had to do 3 months in the county jail.He got out and stupid ME took him back and things were back to perfect.Then more drunken rages.
I left him over a year ago,and he keeps calling through anonymous numbers ,or getting my new numbers through my cross-action sister.He SWEARS he stopped drinking and he can't live without me.The begging and tears are about to wear me out.
Here's the confused part.I've been out on a few dates and find myself miserable sometimes.I miss my "X"....I miss the sober,funny,playful,caring guy that he once was.How can I move on if he's still in my head all the time? It's like I want a guy that acts just like him(without the drama/fighting).
Should I give him one more chance? He sounds so for real.He really IS the coolest guy I've EVER met.....accept when he's drunk.How will I know if he'll start back drinking and acting an a**?
Any feedback would be appreciated.Thanks.....Tam | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 5:38:21 AM | If you must go back start slowly emails,letters,make him wait,make him see he has to earn your trust back,if needed set down some conditions for him to follow,such as no drinking ever,and any other conditions that will make him sit up and realise what hes lost and that getting it back is going to take time.
In my books any man who hits a woman is a coward,plain and simple,theres no reason for a man to hit a woman its the lowest of low acts,personally on that fact alone he should be dumped period,but i am not you and you have history with the guy and if he really has changed then there might be room for a new beginning but you need to be very tough on him he needs to know how hurt you are over past actions and how badly the trust has been broken.
And take your time,go slow.......let him know that if he puts a foot wrong this time around hes done for good. | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:06:22 AM | | Most alchoholics, even after periods of sobriety, will fall off the wagon again and again... that is not to say that some people won't conquer it, but it is such a tough disease to deal with. The fact that your ex is a dangerous drunk is a big problem. I would tell you not to go back, but you need to make your own decisions. If you do, please attend a support group for loved ones of alchoholics. Their experience and advice will be much more valuable than anything you will get on this site. Be careful, take care of yourself and best of luck. | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:09:05 AM | You miss an alcoholic abuser.
You are blocking out the rages, beatings and all the other crap because you are lonely and can't detach from the abuse.
You need to find an a Alanon group- get some support and make the break.
He has left you with some terrible issues you need to resolve.
He will not get better without some help and even that could take years.
He will not miraculously change without it.
You need to help yourself. Stop listening to the sob stories and your family. He put you in the hospital for god sakes. Isn't that enough to wake you up.
Your suffering from stockholm syndrome. You feel bad for your abuser. You want to help him.
You need to get some therapy to break you of this behavior and Alanon.
Save yourself. You can't save him. He has to do this on his own.
There are alanon groups on line if there is not one in your area.
I will give you the info if you want it. | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:38:11 AM | Bingo Curlygrl, the only thing I can add is Get off of POF and google Therapy and Alanon Immediately...... I see nothing but trouble, even if you meet a guy what happens if your " ex" finds out and sees the two of you together?
Get help first, resolve your issues, get closure and once in for all for the love of God and Pizza relegate this loser to the past tense. | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:43:04 AM | Thank you Curly and Mahogany............
I would also like to add:
he put me in the hospital he wound up going to jail.........
He put you in the hospital......and he went to the county lock up for a bit..........
The next time................
you could go to the funeral home..............and he could go to prison for life............
Need I say more??????????????
Hopefully you got the message..................... | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:04:13 AM | Tam, it sounds like your ex has a personality disorder to have been able to treat you in such a a violent and heartless way. It might be APD or NPD. Yet, given the level of meanness and anger you describe, it sounds more like BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore suggest that you read about BPD and decide for yourself.
The best place to start is a short article at BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm. It is the best concise description of what a relationship is like with a person who has high functioning bpd (if he were low functioning, you would never have dated him to begin with). Another excellent description is at curezone.com/forums/fm.asp?i=780158.
One of the hallmarks of the BPD illness is anger and unprovoked meanness. Another is the pushing-you-away and pulling-you-back behavior you describe. Those characteristics are reflected in the titles of classic books on this subject: "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." Another hallmark of the disorder is impulsive behavior that is life threatening, e.g., excessive use of alcohol or other drugs.
Of course, the website information will not enable you to determine if your ex's BPD traits are so severe that they rise to a level warranting a clinical diagnosis of BPD. Only a trained psychologist can do that. But, to determine whether someone is too selfish to be good marriage material, you don't have to be able to determine whether the selfishness is severe enough to be called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Likewise, you don't have to be able to clinically diagnose BPD to be able to spot strong traits of it when they occur. Best of luck to you. | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:32:19 AM | He got out and stupid ME took him back and things were back to perfect. He's the perfect guy for stupid you. Smart you wouldn't go near him. How did your smart and stupid selves decide this last time? Did they arm wrestle or flip a coin?
The way people stop drinking is they get help or they quit on their own, but in any case it takes at least a year to know if they really have adjusted to sobriety, and even then if they start drinking again you're right back in it. Meanwhile, there are lots of men who don't have that problem, and who are even more cool than he is. The two things you get from him that suit your personality are the acceptance he gives you, which he is trading for your willingness to put up with him, and the punishment he dishes out, which you feel you deserve because somebody taught you that you do. A woman with self-respect would not take any kind of abuse in stride, ever. Your boundaries are set to include abuse rather than exclude it. Reward your smart self by doing smart things and whenever your stupid self speaks up, give it a cookie and send it out to play but never give in to what else it wants. | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:41:59 AM | Tamra,
Don't go back, don't take him back. It may get better with time, or it may not and the next time you WILL end up in a funeral home. Stay away, run as fast as you can and don't look back.
Know that there is a caring, loving person that is out there looking for you and he'll find you.
Good luck!
T | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:15:14 AM | I've been there and done that . . . different scenrios of course . . . curlygrl has perfectly described how his issues have triggered down to you.
You may think that he is the only one that needs help now BUT NOT TRUE . . . now you have been damaged . . . now you need to RESTORE/REBUILD yourself.
Also, you need to dig in deep into your soul as to WHY DID YOU ALLOW this to happen in the first place . . . and it was not because you love him.
All that said . . . the question is . . .WHAT IS IN YOUR BEST INTEREST?
Best of luck,
~Myth~ | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 4:31:03 PM | I wouldn't take him back. I was married to an alcoholic for 16 miserable years.
He always promised to quit drinking and he did a few times. My ex was a verbal abuser, the day he threw a can of soda at my kids and myself is the day we left.
I have never ever regretted leaving, I just wish I would have done it sooner.
If you decide to stay please go to Alanon or a similar place. I never did and wish I would have. I too have been hearing how my ex had damaged me and I see that is true.
I have been away from it for 16 years..
Good Luck. | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:12:27 PM | I'm in agreement with everyone on this thread.
Get some help for yourself. You cannot save him, change him, or help him. He needs to do that himself. You can help yourself. | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:15:36 PM | tam
#1 you will not get over him on you own. please get professional help
#2 if you treasure your life.... no not take him back
#3 your reaction is normal... unhealthy, unsafe. but normal | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:20:15 PM | Not knowing his entire drinking history it's impossible to say it's possible for him to up and totally stop drinking on his own and also never be abusive again too, you can't totally rule it out, but it's highly unlikely. I sure wouldn't be in any hurry to get myself in a situation and find out without some nanny cams and friends hiding in the next room since it usually goes right back to bad once they've got you backed into the corner again and you've let them move back in .
sorry, but the single sentence "I can't live without you" has been the only clue many a murder / suicide victim ever had | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:25:04 PM |
Not knowing his entire drinking history it's impossible to say it's possible for him to up and totally stop drinking on his own and also never be abusive again too, you can't totally rule it out, but it's highly unlikely huh?? what part of the prick was a guest of the government for 3 months for beating her up didnt you understand
Who cares about his drinking past, once you cross that line of beating your " love" up, sorry there is no coming back, she needs to distance herself from this prick , not hide nanny cams and let this prick in.
The OP should get her self a gun and keep for protection, I rather be judged by 12, then carried by 6. | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:51:50 PM | ["Who cares about his drinking past, once you cross that line of beating your " love" up, sorry there is no coming back, she needs to distance herself from this prick , not hide nanny cams and let this prick in."]
I agree 100%, but reading the original post, I 'm afraid she's already lost her willpower to stay away, the fact he has access to her on the phone to wear her down as she put it pretty well shows she's on her way back to him, and although the rest of us can see the bear trap she's about to step in, she obviously doesn't | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:19:07 PM | Hi Tamra-have you ever heard of al-anon, or been to a meeting? You might find a whole community of supportive people to help you out in dealing with your alcoholic. I highly recommend it to you!  | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/12/2009 1:06:51 PM | Tamra, there are a few that have offered very wise words for the most part.
Read over the posts by; curlygrl, Mahogany-Rush, and renegade until it sticks.
It's most unfortunate you've had to live this experience and feel torn now on what to do, given the love you still feel for the man he is when NOT drinking or beating you etc. Well, you can't separate the different actions from the SAME MAN. From what you've shared, I'd safely say he's an alcoholic, a wife beater (abuser), and it NEVER gets better. NEVER. It only gets worse. An alcoholic will drink MORE, and the beatings will only grow more frequent and more serious, until you are finally dead. Have you a death wish? I suspect not, as you are still hopeful for love. Unfortunately you are still hopeful to get if from one that is not capable to giving it to you. Love does NOT hurt darlin'.
My addition; #1 YOU TEACH A PERSON HOW TO TREAT YOU
If you take him back, you'll teach him it's okay to beat you, to drink excessively, to continue the hurting you.
#2 BE STRONG
Don't accept his calls. When he does manage to get a hold of you, respectfully decline his wish to speak. Wish him well, even suggest groups he can get help if you like, but don't welcome him back into your life. Count your blessings for having made it out alive. The longer you are away from him, the clearer your mind will be in doing what's best for you, rather having to fight the desire to reconnect with him. In time you won't have to fight it at all, rather will easily walk away without temptation on any level.
Be strong, be good to yourself, and best of luck to you.  In years to come, you will be thankful you did NOT allow yourself to be pulled back into it again. | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/12/2009 1:14:37 PM | If he has stopped drinking and doing other things that you didn't like it would show in his appearence,and he would have some sort of a support group to help stay sober. Is there times that he goes off to a meeting and returns feeling quiet? Or does he think he has the world on edge and everyone is against him? You may want to ask around if he's been seen out of bars/and staying away from old habit places. Check with the local police for any new records of him. A person that has a crimminal record ,can be checked with ease by the police. Your " X " is a powder keg waiting for a single matchstick. You must use extreme awareness around him. Doing lock-up for a few months isn't really staying sober. It's really on his part to show you that there's a change happening in his life. He's anger problem with the alcohol is a very dangerous to be near. All the tears that could fill a ocean...doesn't matter sqat...when he's in a drunkin rage and beating on you. If you are truly serious about " one more chance "....tell him "no Booze, no fighting,and no more pain. It's really easy to give forgiveness, but very hard to stay straight. You may even stay away from alcohol for a while to help him . I would contacted a drug/alcoholic counselor for you to understand how to adjust you life with him.They could give you a direction to other people who are dealing with the same sort of problems. Be very cautious on what you choise. He may be cool...but there's a dangerous problem when alcohol is near. So far you are the 70th person who has shown concern about alcohol problems this season.Contact me if you need more information . I was a in-house guard for a hard drug users. But that was a few years back as well.
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/12/2009 3:26:00 PM | Lady, are you suicidal? Should you take him back? Are you efin serious???
Leave him and perhaps look him up in 5 years. If he is (not says) but is sober and has been for 5 years... then maybe get back together.
If a woman ever put me in the hospital, I would legally through the book at her and NEVER look back.
You are a gorgeous woman who could have most of the men on this forum, including me. So why go back to "him" to probably be beaten and abused again?
Seriously!? | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/12/2009 8:27:26 PM |
Tamra, there are a few that have offered very wise words for the most part.
Read over the posts by; curlygrl, Mahogany-Rush, and renegade until it sticks. I couldnt agree more, Tamra, you need to get away from this guy dont fall for his lies please. | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/12/2009 8:38:06 PM | Essential Symptoms of Codependency
Three types of codependents:
1. Caretakers
Relate to others primarily through roles that put them in a position of the giver, helper, supporter, nurturer, etc. “Everyone’s needs are more important than my own.”
2. Romance~relationship addiction
Must be in a “relationship” and be “special” to someone in order to be OK with oneself; may use care taking and sexuality to gain approval/acceptance; goes from relationship to relationship. “You’re no one unless someone loves you.”
3. Messiah complex
Savior of the family, church, world; over-responsible, doesn’t ask for help, tries to make self indispensable. “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.”
Symptoms of Codependency
1. External-referenced on other person or people.
2. Tries to control behaviour of others through approval-seeking and people-pleasing behaviour.
3. Experiences intimacy by discounting own feelings, and empathizing with feelings of others.
4. Loss of healthy boundaries, generally resulting from doing things for others that violate one’s values, and from accepting unacceptable behavior from others.
5. Frozen feelings, numbness with regard to one’s own feelings. Depression may also result from repressed anger.
6. Low self-esteem. Self is valued according to others’ opinions. Uses martyr, victim, and messiah role to bolster self-esteem.
7. Generalized anxiety, related to lack of control of one’s life.
8. Mental preoccupation. Racing thoughts. Inability to enjoy mental silence and serenity.
9. Lack of assertiveness.: inability to ask directly for one’s true needs. Inability to confront unhealthy behaviour in others.
10. Narcissism. In the absence of healthy, legitimate boundaries, others are seen as for or against self.
Problems often related to Codependency
1. Other addictions--codependents use drugs, shopping, food, TV to cope with feelings. The majority of addicts--even alcoholics-- are codependents. Recovery from other addictions is jeopardized if codependency is ignored. As long as one is codependent, one is in the addictive process.
2. Neuroses and psychoses--mental health problems with their own specific symptomology and dynamics may develop out of codep.
3. Physical health problems--stress reduces effectiveness of Immune system to fight off diseases.
^^BG^^ | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/13/2009 3:26:52 AM | You're not confused, you're an idiot. BIG difference.
Anyone dumb enough to even ask about giving someone like that a second try after everything they've been through should get beat down on a daily basis.
You should marry him - just get spayed first so you don't breed. | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/13/2009 7:01:03 PM | I agree 100%, but reading the original post, I 'm afraid she's already lost her willpower to stay away, the fact he has access to her on the phone to wear her down as she put it pretty well shows she's on her way back to him, and although the rest of us can see the bear trap she's about to step in, she obviously doesn't
wingsonmyfeet.... she can fight her urges to go back to this violent person... the nanny cam will only help the police in arresting her murder! | |
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| I'm SO confused!
Posted: 10/13/2009 7:07:20 PM | cinsav
try to find a canadian dictionary look up the words compassion, understanding... it seems they are missing in your world!
and you might read up on battered women syndrome... if may open a new window for you! | |
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