| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:09:53 AM | Here's a thing.
I am abysmal at asking women out. At my grand old age I have asked a few out and not been successful - I has asked numerous women out in the relatively anonymous context of the internet and been just as successful. I am by nature very reticent and reserved - I often don't know what I think or feel about someone until it is too late. Needless to say I am pretty much 100% useless at noticing if people are attracted to me. A few years ago, it was drawn to my attention that a female colleague had been "accidentally" bumping into me for a few months. She had left the place by this time and I was by that time unable to do anything about it.
Now there's another problem. I've been told by a friend that another (female) friend of mine has asked him if I am gay because she gets no feeling at all from me about the man-woman thing. This is a woman who claims to be very intuitive and have insight into relationships etc etc., as many women do. I, however, remain an enigma, and hence am categorised as possible gay. I'm not sure why she asked about this because she is in a relationship with another person. Even so, this is something I have come up against before: other people have asked if I am gay. In each case, this blankness of response from me - which I am not aware of putting on, but which I figure must come from my innately shy and reserved character - has been a barrier to a possible relationship.
Needless to say, as Mayor Quimby might phrase it "Let the word go forth that I am not gay."
On that basis, what do people suggest that I could do about this? Here is another reason why I am so singularly unsuccessful with women. Short of unpacking my personality and changing ingrained habits of lifetime, what can I do to positively alter the situation? And what should I change to? I'm not too good at being a self confident babe magnet! | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:46:25 AM | Astrophil
I have always maintained that I can tell if a guy is gay by simply looking at him. There is just something about them that I cannot quite put my finger on but it's there none the less. I have seen you here before and for what it's worth you do not begin to look gay.
As far as your being unsuccessful with women, my personal advice is to stop worrying about it so much !. I have had many male friends over the years that have driven themselves nuts over this and I would like to line them all up and give each one a good kick in their asses. Always maintain a high level of self confidence, self esteem and command respect and everything will fall into place. There are a lot of worse things in life than not having a women, in fact sometimes you may be much better off ! | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:52:33 AM | Perhaps you have a special facial expression when it comes to women that comes across that you dont like them, or want them near you (provided by your nervous disposition towards women). If this woman had been bumping into you for 8 weeks then left, maybe she and everyone else noticed you were not interested in women who try very hard to attract your attention?? Whereas, when you talk to men you relax and present a different demeanour.
Answer to the question as I see it:-
Women are pretty good at picking out gay men, they make the best of friends for women, no threat, and usually jolly good fun to be around, great cooks, housekeepers and shoulders to cry on - 100% brilliant oh and the best shopping companion everrrrrrr
so it was not an insult it was a compliment to you | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:06:33 AM | You're crap at the boy/girl thing and you know it.
Do behaviour modification on yourself - force yourself out of your comfort zone to flirt with women. Don't do this at work, because it will be disastrous to start. Prepare yourself to get shot down at least once a week. There's no way to get good at something without doing it, and we are all crap at a new thing to start.
Action determines self image more often than the other way around - if you start making plays for women, the way you view yourself will change and you'll get better at it. | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:11:55 AM | Astrophil: I took a look at your profile, and can find nothing that (IMO) would put women off. Indeed, you do not impress me as even remotely having any gay tendencies, but there are always those small minded people who will say to themselves...he's 48....and never married....he MUST be gay. Don't listen! Those aren't the kinds of women who would hold your attention anyway.
You're very articulate, a trait that most women appreciate. While you may not be skilled at "picking a woman up" at a social gathering; you should excel at getting to know one through correspondence.
Just a story that may encourage you: When I was growing up, there was a bachelor in our suburban neighborhood; the women used to laugh and wonder aloud, if they should invite Larry to baby showers, Welcome Wagon, Tupperware....and lingerie parties. Many years later, as a grown woman....I informed "Larry" that....I was indeed one of those 2 newspaper girls, who he had lectured years before....LOL! because, as he was coming home late one night....and we were "camping out" in my girlfriends back yard....we scared the crap out of him, as we were playing "Leap Frog" too close to the road as he drove by! He was the Comptroller at the company I worked for. At age 54, Larry finally married!!! His wife was a lovely woman in her late 30s, and they now have 2 daughters...who should be about ready to graduate high school!
Good Luck and Good hunting! | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:19:58 AM |
I'm not too good at being a self confident babe magnet!
You don't have to be a babe magnet. You do have to actually take some initiative and get off you a$$ and go after them. I was not the best looking guy in school but I dated some of the prettiest girls. When my friends would ask how I got her to go out with me.. I simply said.. I asked her. That's all it took. Me having the guts to approach her while other guys sat around wondering what to do...
I don't sit around wondering if I should ask her out, I friggin ask her. I don't sit at a table wondering if she would like to dance, I friggin go get her. I don't sit at the bar wondering if she wants me to kiss her.. I friggin kiss her. I don't wonder if she might like to go away for the weekend, I friggin tell her. Have I ever been rejected, worn a drink, been pushed away.. amen brother to all the above and who friggin cares?
Ya friggin got that?
Even on this site guys do it all wrong... they send e-mails that say "hi..wanna chat" or some such nonsense. You want to take her out so friggin ask her out!
Stop being gay.. you like women... so start by letting them know. | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:23:02 AM |
I don't sit around wondering if I should ask her out, I friggin ask her. I don't sit at a table wondering if she would like to dance, I friggin go get her. I don't sit at the bar wondering if she wants me to kiss her.. I friggin kiss her. I don't wonder if she might like to go away for the weekend, I friggin tell her. OMG!!!! I think I'm in LOVE!!!! | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:24:55 AM | OP, you are probably a very nice man, but I've noticed most of your posts are sort of those poor me things. In my opinion, whining and self pity are not appealing to most women. So,, cowboy up darlin' ....
tb | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:29:30 AM | | I don't know what to say. If quoting Mayor Quimby doesn't bring the women running, there's not much more that can be done. | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:35:35 AM | Some people can mistake shyness for being stand offish or just not interested; I’ve been accused of that in the past myself though never of being gay (that I know of!) Best thing you can do is to try and be more self confident and more interested in those around you. If you see a woman you like the look of, take a chance and ask her out! What’s the worst than could happen? She might even say yes! I checked out your profile and if you weren’t so far from me I wouldn’t say no to a coffee date…  | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:08:35 AM | You claim you like to read.
Buy some books on how to attract, approach, and date women.
Lord knows asking us here in the forums hasn't been successful.
My son recently did some research on a young lady he was very interested in. He talked to the folks she worked with and found out her birthday was coming up. So, he went strolling into her place of employment, all gussied up, smelling yummy with a stunning bouqet of yellow roses for her on her special day. Then he asked her if she had plans when she got off work. He took her to dinner and guess what? They're dating. Not rocket science. A little ingenuity and confidence will work every time.
Well...and he does have the most beautiful blue eyes...
Just do it!!!
All the best to you. | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:21:25 AM | Astrophil,
There's definitely something to consider in TexasBaby's reply. I've also followed your previous threads and I took the liberty of checking your "history" to refresh my memory.
I'm wondering if there is a bit of Asperger's going on here (and please don't take that the wrong way; I've got a bit of it too, mainly manifesting itself in a tendency to focus upon one hobby or activity and also not being able sometimes to figure out nonverbal "cues"!) I would also ask you, though, to consider this question: Are you truly interested in an individual woman for everything she is...or are you just asking out women here and there with no real interest? Too, I caught the pun in your subject line...but some women might not, and/or be turned off by the pun.
Women can tell the difference between these two types. Also, don't give up in total despair quite yet IF you are ready and willing to invest time in self-improvement. I did so a few years ago after several personal and professional shakeups, and it resulted in a huge positive re-evaluation of my priorities. Hey, I'm 47 and never been married as of yet, so we aren't that rare!
And, I'm sure you are sick of hearing other people tell you this next one...I certainly was, and would never have believed it if it hadn't happened to me. But honestly? Once you let go of panicking about finding THE one, often you will indeed meet somebody! However, you might need to let go as well of the "ideal" partner. I wouldn't have predicted that my sweetie would be seven years younger than me, a Republican, and totally into hunting and fishing...!  I'd have said, "No way! Are you kidding me?" But our beliefs, morals, and values are exactly in line -- and that's what counts so much.
Good luck and really, seriously consider some of the other posters' observations! | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 11:02:03 AM | | Following your previous threads on the similar themes, I would recommend what many other posters were suggesting - relational and sexual therapy. Don't waste any time, get some lessons soon. | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 5:12:47 PM | Many women assume coz your not interested or dont hit on them ... ya just have to be gay ...
it soothes their fragile egos ...
Now you claim her to be a friend ... and she told someone else ... and not you ... thats not a friend but an acquaintance ...
Stop using your shyness as an excuse and start using it to your advantage ...
Work with what ya got and not try to be someone your not ...
Sooo a woman was bumping into you ... in a world of political correctness and sexual harassment I know I had to take a step back in order not to misread signs ... and wonder whether its the same person who told ya about both women and whether he is just takin the mickey outa you ... | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:19:41 PM | astrophil...
are you really looking for advice?...
the same theme always seems to emerge in your posts..
maybe you should seek professional help with your problems...
(some people are never happy unless they're sad)... | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:58:38 PM | OP ... for every Jack there is a Jill.
Next time you see a gal (that you kinda like the looks / actions / demeanor / type or or or) .....
Look at her right in the eyes and don't flinch or look away. If she locks on ........... go talk to her.
If she looks away but later looks again .... go talk to her.
Get some quality self confidence tapes. You can find e-books on the net.
And .... always remember this ......
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt
------------
Off topic kind of sort of .....
What is up with POF. Are they trolling to see if us guys are gay (see sort of).
They keep showing me GUYS up at the top of the pages.
POF I am not going to switch teams - stop showing me guys ........ ugg. | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/12/2009 10:05:21 AM | OP
The next time you notice something about a woman that you like, compliment her on that very trait. If you like her hair color, tell her. You don't have to be coming on to the woman or even interested in dating her. Some may act like they're entitled to the compliment or blow it off. Don't take it on the chin, you were just paying a compliment. Everybody, you and me included, likes compliments if they are heartfelt and sincere. If you have no agenda, so much the better.
Do this once a day for a month, and you will be able to walk up to any woman any where and tell her what you like about her. Even if you don't get any dates, you'll surely make some new friends. You'll also build your confidence so that if you are interested in someone you can tell them how you feel. | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/12/2009 10:37:38 AM |
I've been told by a friend that another (female) friend of mine has asked him if I am gay because she gets no feeling at all from me about the man-woman thing. This is a woman who claims to be very intuitive and have insight into relationships etc etc.
Your obviously not a "If I want them I friggin take them" type guy. like many of us
So what I would do, is get up the courage, plan the approach so your not to nervous, and go tell the girl who asked if you were gay ( who you say is a friend) that you need to talk to her. Since you seem to be able to articulate what you want to say in writing I imagine you can do it as well verbally and ask her the same question you just asked us. Don't attack her for asking if your gay, put it in a way that allows her to help you. Since she comes across as insightful and intuitive it may help you figure why she asked, it might give you a chance to give off some of that man - woman thing, and if she isn't interested in you herself, she can get the word out that you are looking and interested.
After all what are friends for | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/12/2009 11:35:50 AM | | Phil, if you want things to happen in your life, YOU'VE GOT TO MAKE THEM HAPPEN! If you don't, life will pass you by. Yes, it does mean taking a chance and getting out of your comfort zone. | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/12/2009 12:18:33 PM | Hi Astrophil
Well here's a thing I have never looked at a 'forum' let alone take part in one! But yours is the first and I feel compelled to speak!!
Firstly your profile reads really well - and had you come up in my seach I would have contacted you (I am probably too old for you and I live in Durham) Big no no - old photos, everyone like to see who they are in touch with - find the camera and get a new photo on here asap - do you know how many of us ladies think the shaven head is a big turn on these days!!?? As far as being shy - so am I, I hate this way of meeting people but I long for that special person and this is the only way I can think to solve the problem. The good thing about it is, you can be the person you wish you were, contact people. The worst that can happen is they won't reply - and this seems to be the norm, but when someone does you can take it step by step from there.
Don't be worrying about the 'gay' thing, be yourself. I guess if your shy, your sensative and that makes people (for some reason) think gay. Be yourself, you have a lot going for you (believe me I've been trawling though the photoes and you are by no means close to being the worst!!
Now if only I could find an older version of you - I might be in with a chance!! All the best
Chris x | |
|
| Misconceptions and Ms Takes
Posted: 10/12/2009 2:49:42 PM | Don't give up - it took me until I was 57 to meet my guy, and he was worth the wait.
My advice is don't worry what others think of you - only worry about what you think of yourself. Go out to events, dances etc. Mix and mingle as much as you can. Look at making friends with women, instead of the "grand " romance. I suspect you will find that when you find a woman for you, that she will have no doubt of your interest.
Never lose faith in yourself. | |
|
Home
login 
