| Not sure what I should do next ...
Posted: 10/11/2009 1:26:30 PM | So this is the preface:
I am really good friends with this girl back home. Or at least I thought she was a good friend. She is still a friend. Anyways, there were three guys in our group of friends that were attracted to me. I know two still are. I was confused until about a month ago as to what my feelings are. Before that happened she told me that she didn't want me to see X. I wasn't really sure if she still had a thing for Y (who she had liked for a year and a half but never did anything about it and had put up a front that she was no longer interested). I have not really been attracted to a guy in every way since the guy I was head over heels in love I was in a LTR with ended well over a year ago.
Seeing that my dilemma was that she most likely did still have feelings for Y and I needed to speak with her about that because I'm afraid that things might be boiling beneath the surface which would really blow over (and not be pretty). That she could possibly curtail any future possibilities if we both happened to have strong feelings for someone else. So I tried talking to her, explaining that I value her friendship but we need to work something out because I don't want to do anything without talking to her. That we need to work this out in the most likely case that it would happen again.
The dilemma:
Since I talked to her about this she at first responded with nothing, then proceeded with angry comments and trying to start an argument with me (which I would not do). Since that point we have spoken maybe twice (it's been two weeks) and it has been a very stilted conversation. I am not really sure what else to do so I would really appreciate the advice. I don't want to lose a friend over something as ridiculous as me trying to communicate with her that we need to work something out. Thanks in advance. | |
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| Not sure what I should do next ...
Posted: 10/11/2009 2:16:52 PM | I dunno geekgal, are you saying that you both have feelings for the same guy and you want to know how to approach your friend about dating this guy? Let me see if I get this straight. Your friend has liked a guy for a long time, but they have never been in a relationship. You are now considering dating this guy and you would like to talk to your friend about dating him. Now your friend is mad that you have feelings for the guy.
What is it that you are seeking advice about? Are you wondering what to do about you, your friend and the guy? Have either of you actually dated this guy? | |
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| Not sure what I should do next ...
Posted: 10/11/2009 2:19:59 PM | I was never really good at all the X =Y x 13 + Z = root shite.
You both want the same guy?
You tried to work a deal out with your friend?
Now she's pissy?
= Dude loses x 2 | |
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Posted: 10/11/2009 2:27:47 PM | Gubblegum:
I'm not sure how to respond to this so that I am not making it more confused. So I'll just do it in a list.
1. I have already approached my friend because this is not the first case in a short time span. Her response was angry initially. We have talked since I broached the subject about two weeks ago but had very short conversations which were stilted and no mention of this.
2. Neither of us has actually dated the guy.
3. I'm not sure what I am supposed to do about her. I'm afraid that my speaking up has effected our friendship and not sure what my next step should be. I am not sure if I should talk to her about this again or what.
*EDIT*
I only brought it up with her so that I knew where our lines are at least for next time. | |
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| Not sure what I should do next ...
Posted: 10/11/2009 2:27:52 PM | I don't get why your friend dictates who you're going to date.
A real friend wouldn't stop you from pursuing whoever you're attracted to -- unless it's her current boyfriend. You can't call "dibs" on a guy, not do anything about it, and expect to keep all females away from him.
Ergo, she's not your friend. | |
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Posted: 10/11/2009 2:29:01 PM | What's to work out? If a friend of mine and I liked the same guy, it was an unspoken rule that neither of us would date him.
I'm now 40 years old and I've dated a few men in my time and made great memories, and I'm still great friends with my best and that's been going on for over 30 years... no man has ever or will ever get in the way of our friendship. | |
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Posted: 10/11/2009 2:32:10 PM | Yeah, I'm confused.
Is the problem that there are guys your friend is interested in but they, in turn, are interested in you.. not her? | |
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| Not sure what I should do next ...
Posted: 10/11/2009 2:58:40 PM | I see, GeekGal, thanks for the response.
My thinking is, if neither of you has ever actually dated this guy, I'm not sure why your friend is mad at you. You both are grown, you both are free to date whomever you choose to date. Maybe with this particular guy the two of you are putting the cart before the horse causing tension where none should be. I can't imagine, if you were my friend, I wouldn't be happy for you if someone you had interest in asked you out on a date, despite my own feelings. Friends stand by and for each other, they don't try to keep each other down.
I guess there are two things to think about here. Going to your friend, telling her you sense some tension, you value her friendship and want to get back to where you were before the subject of this guy came up and you'd like to work things out so that you can clear the air and come to some agreement as to what to do should he ask you out. Or, you can just wait to see if he asks you out, do as you please if he does, then try to work things out with your friend if she decides to dump you as a friend.
What makes the most sense to you? What do you think is the best way to handle the situation between your friend and the possible situation with this guy? What do you feel is right or wrong? Go from there.
Good luck, GeekGal. | |
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| Not sure what I should do next ...
Posted: 10/11/2009 3:08:41 PM | Exactly what your story is, is still a bit confused, but from what I can glean, you MIGHT have upset her by trying to tie her hands ahead of time without either of you yet having any firm plans with a guy.
Among your many coy, and hence confusing statements is "I have already approached my friend because this is not the first case in a short time span." Not the first case of what? The two of you being interested in the same guy? Of you calling her and trying to steer her away from someone you haven't dated yet either? Trying to run her dating life remotely? What?
You haven't said what was IN the conversation you had with her that got her upset with you. Without knowing exactly what was discussed, and how she responded, we're in the dark about this. You are still being so vague, all I know for sure is that the two of you talked about some guy, and now she's being short with you. | |
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Posted: 10/11/2009 4:06:51 PM | This isn't a logic problem, this is about relationships/friendships which is an intensely more complicated issue that, "Argument X supported by Fact Y and bolstered by Argument Z
Your friend has issues and its her problem, you did your best and if she cant understand that or is mature enough, try this formula
F + K = C, which means Foot plus a kick = the curb, in other words kick her to the curb. | |
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| Not sure what I should do next ...
Posted: 10/11/2009 4:11:16 PM | I think this is the issue:
Geekgal's female friend has a crush on a guy (let's call him Adam), but female friend has never actually dated Adam, just had a crush on him.
Now Geekgal is thinking about going out with Adam, and told female friend as such. Female friend got mad (how can think of going out with *my* guy?).
That is what I believe the situation is.
In this case, the solution is tell female friend to shut the **** up, if she has a crush on a guy but never does anything about it, she has no right to tell you that you cannot date him. | |
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Posted: 10/11/2009 4:21:52 PM | | Always walk away from drama. Its hard to do- but when you are 40, you will be better for it. Not saying settle for someone, just make sure the man isn't involved. I hate to mess up the wanna be playa men, but account for their time- txt them, expect a txt back in a timely fashion. | |
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| Not sure what I should do next ...
Posted: 10/11/2009 4:25:33 PM | If you both have feelings for the same guy, you should let her know you've waited for that year for her to make a move and now you're not waiting anylonger. If she has some Estrogen pumping from those ovaries, she'll get her gameface on and woo him over to the best of her ability.
Honestly though, it's never good to date inside your "click". That's how they fall apart. | |
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Posted: 10/11/2009 5:05:16 PM |
Your friend has issues and its her problem, you did your best and if she cant understand that or is mature enough, try this formula
F + K = C, which means Foot plus a kick = the curb, in other words kick her to the curb.
Good idea Mahogony. And if that doesn't work , try a foot under the curb kick. Let's see, that would be a I better not say.
I agree with the Post that neither one of you should date him. If you give way to her then won't you then be upset about it?
Does the guy have any say in this? Maybe he doesn't want either one of you. Problem solved? | |
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Posted: 10/11/2009 5:10:31 PM | | Your friend might feel disadvantaged because "you always get the guys' attention" therefore she is less willing to "discuss issues" lol! I've seen this happen a lot even with my friends, we are in a pack and there is one guy everyone wants, at this point friendships are forgotten as the vultures go for the killl hahahaha! Usually if you do it right the friendships remain intact. Me personally my style is to step away from the situation and let the guy come to me that way nobody will blame you for having "taken their man". If I were you I would step away from the situation completely and revisit it later like 4 months down the line, that will also give you time to clear your head. Is it a deep like or one of those crush situations? Crushes disappear quickly so if you give it time it will also give you time to consider wether to outcompete your pal into extinction lol! | |
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Posted: 10/11/2009 10:21:17 PM | I dont think you or your friend are the issue really, I mean after all has anyone considered how the guy feels? Maybe he doesnt want to date you, maybe he doesnt want to date her... hell maybe he's not interested in either of you.
So wouldnt this be more of HIS decision then yours? | |
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| Not sure what I should do next ...
Posted: 10/12/2009 12:31:23 AM | You cant LOSE a friend.
The nature of his "person" you describe is NOT that of a friend.
Of course.. this is a 20-something reality.
Why would you NOT make choices for YOUR LIFE without consulting a TWIT like this so-called-friend?
I know.. call ME before you make coffee in the morning. I'll tell you what to brew. | |
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| Not sure what I should do next ...
Posted: 10/12/2009 6:13:35 AM | If you were trying to start something with a guy that you friend was actively pursuing and it seemed like he might be interested in her then I would tell you to wait and see what happened with them first. Thats not the case so go after whomever you want.
I really think we need to get over this whole marking of territory thing that people tend to do. It is not only childish but it also assumes that the target has no option but to like the person who saw them first, and thats not how it works in the real world. | |
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Posted: 10/12/2009 9:17:49 AM | | First of all, I am not limiting my choice to this guy ... Though I really haven't felt this way in a long time about anyone. I do know he was at least interested in me (I don't know about now) and no interest in her other then friendship. I respect her and that's why I talked to her instead of just doing something behind her back, which would be ultimately worse since she is housemates with him and another person. I also brought it up in the case of a next time (before all of this another guy asked me out and when I told her about it she didn't want me going for it). I am going to follow the advice of wait and see what happens and not do anything actively at the moment (which actually works to her advantage). If I knew he had a thing for her, I would have never even had a discussion with her in the first place. Thank you everyone for your responses, it really helped getting other POVs. | |
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Posted: 10/12/2009 9:33:12 AM | Okay, so, if I have this right... which is a big "if"... she doesn't want you to date her roommate, and she also doesn't want you to date some other guy who's asked you out.
Does she want you to date anyone at all?
I'm starting to wonder if she's into you.
Or is just a lousy, jealous frenemy who doesn't want to see you have any fun. | |
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Posted: 10/12/2009 9:37:03 AM | Junior High, I miss it for just these type of reasons.
Attn: Adult women if you are interested in any man and no one is dating him then either make a move or stand back and let someone else have him. The two of you are fighting over guys who may not even want either one of you. | |
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Posted: 10/12/2009 9:39:43 AM | Did it ever occur to both of you to that maybe, just maybe this "guy" is NOT interested in either of you!!!
I mean, if it has been over a year you know this fellow and he did nothing to approeach either of you, I would think that he is not interested in either of you...
Maybe he enjoys the cat fight from a distance... I wonder...
Geez...I have an idea... Show this thread to the guy in question...  | |
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| Not sure what I should do next ...
Posted: 10/12/2009 9:43:40 AM | Well sounds to me like she is peed off cos you like a guy - dont matter which guy just any guy will do, she is not talking to you since you said you really want a guy in your life.
IS SHE GAY and you really peed her off wanting a man??
Cos she does not want to be with men who want to be with her but continues to be friends with them.
But with you, you want a man and she goes all skitzoid on you and gives you the cold shoulder.
The argument is to find out how you really feel when you let go - an argument is full of emotion and when she tried to get emotion out of you, nothing! you would not argue with her so now you get the silent treatment, like it or not.........................
If you are straight and dont want her, go with whatever man you want, it has nowt to do with her whatsoever - or do you really want to stay single for this girlfriend?? | |
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