| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 4:19:13 PM | | I broke it off with a guy I'd been with for 7 months who lives 70 miles from me. We had an ongoing argument that would surface every month or so and then he would placate me but I had to bring it up again. It was about the fact that he only had time to see me every 3 weeks or so, supposedly because he was doing things with his teenage kids (not that I'm against his spending time with his kids, but why put your profile up and act like you want to have a relationship with someone if you don't have time for one?) I hung up the phone on him and we had no contact for 5 days. I finally e-mailed him saying, "I can't keep hanging around waiting for you. Are we ending it then?" No reply. After a week I put my profle back up. I wrote him an email saying some really vile things, accusing him of having affairs with other women, which he vehemently denied. He went ballistic and said he can't be with someone who "can't go with the flow" and told me to leave him alone and not contact him again. (this was a week ago). He immediately put his profile back up. I haven't bothered him since. Do you think I am a sucker and he was just using me? What should I do (if anything)? | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 4:21:15 PM | What should you do? He said clearly not to contact him again.
Go your separate ways.
Clearly you're toxic for each other. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 5:00:40 PM | Of course you are not a sucker and how was he using you? If he is busy with his teenagers then he really just does not have much time to devote to a relationship. That is simply a fact. You can be upset about it all you want and that is your right but it does not change the reality of the situation. He has as much right to be here as you do. Just let it go and chalk it up to experience.
I am with a man I only see once every two weeks and sometimes it's once a month because he is busy with his teenager and work and parents while I am also busy with my work and my family life. That's just the way it is and I do not put much stake into expecting it to be more than it is....which is wonderful!
Just keep fishing until you get the right match. That's the name of the game. Good luck.    | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 5:41:27 PM | | A tantrum is a haphazard relationship tactic. It expresses a feeling as a kind of explosion. Unfortunately the destruction is real. I guess you can assume you had no choice because it wasn't working for you. Now it may be chagrin more than regret that leads to questioning your decision. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:12:19 PM | Does it matter? You gave it a go...
Hanging up on him, then emailing him, then abusing him, gives me the impression that you were having a go at him, within those 7 months on-going, hense why he didn't try to take things to any level.
He stated " he can't be with someone who can go with the flow".
Your showing low self esteme all the way through and a tad demanding... you should have tried to work it more at the beginning... It sounds like you never visited him at all, he only came to see you 10 times... sounds like he never invited you..
Get the picture at the beginning and stand to your beliefs, don't drag things on so long next time.
No, do nothing, absolutely nothing except for yourself, gain some respect for you and learn to trust your gut feelings and not get jealous and angry. For the next person that enters your life. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:26:03 PM | I was suspicious that he didn't want to see me more often because he had someone else. He has a profile on a popular social website and has about two hundred women friends. (from before he ment me). I looked and saw that one of these women had sent him some really suggesstive pictures (not of her; of other scantily clad women having sex with men). I was jealous. I realize that I was wrong to to judge him now, but I've already ruined everything. I want to know if there is anything I can do to make him forgive me and take me back. I met all three of his kids and they all liked me (so he said) and I liked them. He told me that I was the only woman he's ever dated who he has introduced all of his kids to. He talked about how this situation was temporary and in the future we would be able to spend more time together but I let my insecurities take over. I could live with his schedule as long as I know I'm the only one.
I did send him one more e-mail in which I said, "I'm sorry if I was wrong about you but all I have to go on is your behavior. I hate to part ways with someone on bad terms. Good luck". He told me not to contact him but I at least would like to say I'm sorry and I still love him. I was thinking of sending him a note (snail mail) just saying, "I love you but I couldn't continue on the way we were." In the vile e-mail, I made it sound like I was the one who was finished with him. He expected me to "go with the flow", but that is HIS flow. What about MY flow? I keep going back and forth; thinking I owe him an apology and thinking that I was in the right and I deserve better treatment.
Have I fvcked up completely? I am so confused and heartbroken. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:29:25 PM | | BTW, he came to see me a few times, but Iwent up there most of the time. And he would wait til the last minute (when I asked him) to tell me he would be busy that weekend. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:33:15 PM | I do believe in good bye's.
Let it go.
Forgive yourself first, but let - it - go.
"There are no mistakes...only lessons to be learned" | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 6:40:54 PM | You do not want a long distance man. You need someone you can see a few times a week or even daily. There is nothing wrong with that, but when a man has children you should expect him to want to spend as much time with them as possible. Non-custodial parents really miss their kids every day. As a partner you are expected to get it. You don't.
So find a guy in town with kids over 18, that way you may have his undivided attention. Provided that he does not have a crazy work schedule, elderly parents or house work/maintenance which needs to be taken care of every weekend.
HS romances where you only have eyes for each other do not exist at your age. Life gets in the way. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:02:56 PM | OP, you do sound very confused. It sounds as if he just didn't have time for a relationship only seeing you every 3 weeks. And we all have certain things we want in a relationship and you are not wrong in wanting to see him more often. If he couldn't give you that at the beginning you shouldn't have tolerated it for 7 months. I also think you need to pull your big girl panties up and not email him saying you're sorry and you still love him. He already said not to contact him. If you contact him that will push him away even more. Have some self respect and I know you are heart broken and sad but seriously don't be emailing him like that. You're an attractive woman and if you want a relationship and to see your SO more often then 3 weeks than don't settle. There are lots of other fish in the pond. Hope this helped.  | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:11:09 PM | If he saw you every 3 weeks I really wouldn't call it a relationship.
Find someone who lives a little closer to you and who as the time and will dedicate the time to getting to know you.
Why not look for a guy who does not have children? No drama or time contraints and plenty of free time. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:20:01 PM | Thank you, Soldiergirl. I just can't stand the thought of parting ways on bad terms with anyone. Thirty years ago I lost another love because of a misunderstanding. It's a horrible thing to live with. I can't stand to live with the fact that I hurt someone or argued with someone and was not able to resolve it. Even though I know he won't take me back, I would at least like to explain why ifelt and acted as I did.
And he was usually just sitting at home with his kids. They aren't very active socially. He works from home (often staying up all night working) and they spend most of their time playing video games or watching TV. It's not like he had to spend a lot of time driving them to activities or anything. They are 14 and 16 and aren't involved in any activites. They'll all get up and go to the grocery store or out to dinner at midnight. Actually, the whole family is somewhat dysfunctional. My ex doesn't seem to have many friends or much of a social life. I think his kids are his social life.
I would really like to know what soome of the guys think. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:27:58 PM | | Kingfish, that's kind of the way I felt. I said, "This arrangement isn't working for me." He took offense to the fact that I called it an "arrangement" instead of a relationship. You are man. If you loved a woman, would you want to be with her more often than one weekend every three weeks? It's not like we live 2,000 miles apart. I was barely more than an hours drive. We could have met durnig the week at a town in between. His kids are only with him on the weekends. I'm starting to think he just wasn't in to me. But he called almost every day and always said that he loved me . Thanks for your input. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:44:52 PM | “this was a week ago”
You’re not over your ex and are here looking for a long term relationship? Wow..... are you that desperate for someone? No wonder, I will never take anyone from this site seriously.... | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 7:49:37 PM | Your story reminds me of some of my own. It is clear that what YOU were seeking and what HE was seeking were not the same thing. If it had not of broken up when it did I deeply suspect it would of ended up in a breakup at some other point in time, and very possibly a more painful breakup if it was to continue a lot longer.
Your words might of rushed him to a call of judgment though. If I was in his shoes I *might* would of responded the same way. BUT, your needs did not seem to match his needs. Maybe he had another gal or maybe he didn't. But the fact that he was content on seeing you so infrequently is not most people's idea of a thriving relationship, even at the very beginning stages, imho. You seem to need more attention, and this guy may of had a lot going for him, but if he can not give you the attention you thrive on, then exactly where do you think it would of ended up at even if you somehow managed to of got over this hurdle?
You are a good looking lady, and you seem friendly. I would think you can have a lot of good guys to choose from to date. But, that's just me. 
Some of us can't even get a date on this site, so in my mind, your doing pretty well!  | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:19:35 PM |
You’re not over your ex and are here looking for a long term relationship? Wow..... are you that desperate for someone? No wonder, I will never take anyone from this site seriously....
I admit I did it to make him jealous...he put his up too. But I'm taking mine down because I am definately not ready.
I would have understood if he would have said (maybe on Wednesday), "I won't be able to get together this weekend because Johnny will be here," but he didn't. He never said anything, just left me hanging. And in the beginning, we did see each other once a week, then once every two weeks. So for a while it got to be a pattern. If I didn't see him one weekend, I started to assume I would see him the next weekend. Then Friday would be here, and I would ask, "Are we going to see each other this weekend?" and he would say, "Oh, Susie is going to be here this weekend" (the kids were seldom there at the same time).
I know that in the past he would have long distance "relationships" with women on different continents and they would have phone sex. To me, that is not a relationship. He does about 95% of his work on his computer and he works about 80 hours a week. I wonder if that kind of relationship fulfills his needs and that's what he prefers. But why go online looking for someone with in 70 miles then? This man is so confusing. I do suspect that he has something going on with women in cyberspace though. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:32:40 PM | Sweet, you are always going to wonder with this guy, maybe your trust issues are due to the distance and his ignorance of understanding what a relationship is all about.
I appreciate that he works at home.
I appreciate he works hard, at home.
I appreciate that he has two teenage children, but like you said, they are only there on the weekends and it's only an hour drive and he doesn't finish work at 5pm, he can learn time management and make an effort but he didn't.
I suspect more than anything, he's set in his ways and lazy.
He has 200 ladies on my-space? Is that what I read? so he spends the majority of time on the computer, for work and for play... He is also on this site and probably facebook and possibly others. He is a home body and selfishly, he has wanted it all his own way.
You even confess to the majority of the times, "you" drove to his house, not the other way around.. No effort, yet again.
He can not call it a relationship, because they take effort and work.
I would sincerely say that "going with the flow" with him mean't "I am a batchelor, I enjoy me time, I enjoy my addiction to the internet world, I only want a woman who is there when I feel like it, every now and then, but i do want to be loved, and feel loved, so I will ring you every day, but also you have to come to me, mostly and I am not going to change my pattern, I am stuck in my ways"...
So if that is even 1/2 correct, is this what you want in your life? No.
So quit feeling guilty half of what you said to him may make him realise the non-effort he puts in... he created your in-security and he will with someone else.
Keep your profile and realise your strength, and as others have said go for local... | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/12/2009 2:26:53 AM | ^^^ Pretty much what she said, but I'll add a few notes of my own.
<div class="quote">He immediately put his profile back up. I haven't bothered him since. Do you think I am a sucker and he was just using me? What should I do (if anything)?
Yes - it's all his fault. Typical isn't it? Of course he was just using you. I mean after all.... how dare he put up his profile after YOU kept bringing up issues that launched arguments, after YOU hung up on him and sent an email containing "vile things." Doesn't he know he was supposed to kiss your ass and bend over backwards to make you happy? I swear... the nerve of some men.
And, oh, of course he was cheating on you. I mean there's no possible way he really was/is spending time with his teenage kids. Or just tired from working all day and doesn't want someone clammering all over him. He had to be cheating because we all know that good parents spend limited time with their kids and allow them to run the streets and do whatever they wished.
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/12/2009 2:51:02 AM | | Stop blaming yourself and feeling like you could have had something great. It doesn't sound like it was ever going to be great. It's good to do some self-reflection to improve your behaviour for next time, but honestly, when two people are looking for the same thing, things are much much easier, and it won't look like this relationship. It's okay to want something more or something different. My last boyfriend didn't call me every day (which I wondered whether it was a bad sign, to be honest), but he made an effort to see me and spend time with me about four times a week and I was very happy with that. You got daily calls but didn't get to see him much. I would have trouble with that too. Sure, it sounds like you have to work on more mature ways of resolving differences, but I don't think that it's necessarily to regret the way this one turned out - it wasn't going to work anyway. Go your separate ways and do your best to move on. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/12/2009 4:03:00 AM | | There's a world of difference with him spending time with his kids or him spending time in the brothel. Yeah, he is the baddest of the bad because he won't drop his access visits to his kids for your sake...what a mean **stard. Yeah let him put up his profile...he deserves to go around and around and around again checking out the chicks and dating one every 3rd weekend or so. Hopefully his d1ck falls off from meeting all these lonely women out there. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/12/2009 4:47:03 AM | | Chandler, thank you. You are the only one who seems to understand the situation. You are right, he made absolutely no effort. If a person cares for you, they want see you more than once a month. It's really that simple. If he's not available for whatever reason, he really is not into me. And that's not good enough. So he'll continue to wonder why he hasn't found a good woman after six years of searching. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:14:35 AM |
Chandler, thank you. You are the only one who seems to understand the situation. You are right, he made absolutely no effort. If a person cares for you, they want see you more than once a month. It's really that simple. If he's not available for whatever reason, he really is not into me. And that's not good enough. So he'll continue to wonder why he hasn't found a good woman after six years of searching.
Oh so in 7 months, he never once made an ounce of effort? It couldn't POSSIBLY be that you were up his butt 24/7, and he got tired of repeating the same line to you about being busy over and over and over and over again, could it? No, not him, he's a selfish pr*ck, it HAD to have been his self-centered behavior.
In all seriousness, I don't know his side of the story, so you COULD be absolutely dead on with your descriptions. But my intuition says otherwise, especially considering you put up with him making "absolutely no effort" for 7 months straight before you broke up with him. Nope, my gut says you're avoiding all the parts of the story that make you look like you had any fault. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/12/2009 6:38:27 AM |
Chandler, thank you. You are the only one who seems to understand the situation. You are right, he made absolutely no effort. If a person cares for you, they want see you more than once a month. It's really that simple. If he's not available for whatever reason, he really is not into me. And that's not good enough. So he'll continue to wonder why he hasn't found a good woman after six years of searching.
Great, you found the one poster that agrees with you and validates your bad behavior.
I'm quite sure he hadn't put as much effort into the relationship as you wanted, but the argueing and vile comments in emailing would be enough for me to cut you off.
You hang up the phone on him and then the next contact message is an aggessive challeging email.
Also, and this is something what pushes my buttons to the max, why is it when a man and a woman break-up, the guy is assumed to be using her?
You pissed him off and you burned your bridges. Take that for what it's worth and move on. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/12/2009 12:31:01 PM | I wouldn't be happy with someone who could only see me every three weeks either and probably would have done the same as you.
Actually, I would have insisted that I do things with him and his kids, and I would have snooped around some and found out what the REAL situation with him was, as I don't see why he could only see you every three weeks due to spending time with his teenagers. That doesn't sound right.
Since he told you that it's over all you can do is find someone who is better and spends more time with you. He is doing you a huge favor by ending it for good.
You have the opportunity to find someone who can make you happier.
He was stringing you along by telling you he loved you and calling you every day.
Actions speak louder than words. His actions say he wasn't all that into you or he would have seen you a lot more often, like at least a few times a week. The distance wasn't that great. I lived that far from a man who drove over seven nights a week for a year. Be glad it's over, and NO do NOT call him, email him or contact him again!
These guys who are so content with their online romances, phone and cam sex, and go for years that way, are often afraid of intimacy. It's not an uncommon problem.
You probably lived too close to him and he felt pressured just by the fact that you were close by and available.
Online, they can talk to better looking, younger women, do and say more perverted things with them, have no commitments or obligations, spend less money, and never leave the comfort of their homes.
Leave him to his online or phone sex and find a man who makes you happy because that one never will.
Unlike the other posters here I understand the vile emails and hang up was just you expressing your anger and frustration at the situation. Subconciously you were wanting it to end because you couldn't stand it any more. | |
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| I'm an Idiot
Posted: 10/12/2009 3:27:00 PM |
I wouldn't be happy with someone who could only see me every three weeks either and probably would have done the same as you.
Actually, I would have insisted that I do things with him and his kids, and I would have snooped around some and found out what the REAL situation with him was, as I don't see why he could only see you every three weeks due to spending time with his teenagers. That doesn't sound right.
Since he told you that it's over all you can do is find someone who is better and spends more time with you. He is doing you a huge favor by ending it for good.
You have the opportunity to find someone who can make you happier.
He was stringing you along by telling you he loved you and calling you every day.
Actions speak louder than words. His actions say he wasn't all that into you or he would have seen you a lot more often, like at least a few times a week. The distance wasn't that great. I lived that far from a man who drove over seven nights a week for a year. Be glad it's over, and NO do NOT call him, email him or contact him again!
These guys who are so content with their online romances, phone and cam sex, and go for years that way, are often afraid of intimacy. It's not an uncommon problem.
You probably lived too close to him and he felt pressured just by the fact that you were close by and available.
Online, they can talk to better looking, younger women, do and say more perverted things with them, have no commitments or obligations, spend less money, and never leave the comfort of their homes.
Leave him to his online or phone sex and find a man who makes you happy because that one never will.
Unlike the other posters here I understand the vile emails and hang up was just you expressing your anger and frustration at the situation. Subconciously you were wanting it to end because you couldn't stand it any more.
Wow, heaven forbid a man should put his kids first. I bet if the roles were switched, you'd still be trashing the male... but for daring to expect more of a single mother with 3 teenage kids.
Did you happen to read the part where they live 70 miles apart? That's not an hour drive. That's a 2.5-3 hour round trip. I think she should feel LUCKY she got as much as once every 3 weeks. | |
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