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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/11/2009 8:47:22 PM | I did do a little searching to see if there is already a topic on this, and while there are some that are similar, this one is a little bit different. So without further ado, I will tell my tale and ask for your assistance, please.
My husband and I were married for 10 years and have 4 children together. Around the end of May my husband decided he wasn't happy, couldn't give a reason why, and went out to find a girlfriend. He didn't tell me about her, I found out about her on my own. Anyway, after seeing him for about 3 weeks, she told him she loved him and he left her and got a new girlfriend. Didn't tell me about this one either, I had to find that out for myself.
There is a lot more to all of this, but I am trying to keep this somewhat short and to the point. He decided to move out in July. He spent about a week sleeping on different peoples' couches before moving in with her. He is unemployed, she is paying for his cell phone, lets him drive her car, he doesn't have to pay rent, etc.
He has been coming to my house to stay with the kids, while I leave to go other places, like errands or whatever. But a couple of weeks ago we started talking about the alternating weekends thing. I know this is typical. I knew it was coming. Anyway, today he dropped the bomb that if I want him to take the kids on Wednesday nights so I can go to a support group, I have to drop them off at his/her house.
I have several issues with them being around her.
1. It's a moral thing. She knew my husband was married. I sent her several messages and she didn't/doesn't care. I don't want her teaching her lack of values to my kids.
The rest are all more personal and issues that I have to deal with.
2. I am afraid that she is going to try to replace me in their life.
3. I am afraid they will become more attached to her than they are to me.
4. I am afraid she will try to buy their affections.
5. I am afraid that she really is a nice person, and my kids get all attached to her and then he does the same thing to her, upsetting my kids all over again.
I have plenty of common sense and it is telling me that these last 4 issues really are a bit ridiculous. Unfortunately, because of everything that has happened, my self-esteem is buried under the basement somewhere and I am having trouble digging it back up, which means that these same issues are prevalent and seem to be taking precedence over everything else I need to accomplish right now.
I am not looking for validation or sympathy. I need advice as to how to deal with these issues so that I will be at least a little bit okay while my kids are at his/her house. Any help with this will be appreciated. And before anyone else suggests it, I do attend a support group at my church for divorced people, so I am getting some outside help.
Anyway, that's my story. Any suggestions? Other than just get over it and move on? | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:06:30 PM | Sorry you went through that, it must suck.
I think you have 2 options, hire a sitter and tell him no, you dont want your kids with someone you dont know, or give it a trial run and see how it pans out.
1. It's a moral thing. She knew my husband was married. I sent her several messages and she didn't/doesn't care. I don't want her teaching her lack of values to my kids.
I feel you on that. Totally understandable. No easy answer, biu i agree on this.
2. I am afraid that she is going to try to replace me in their life.
She cant. You carried them in your bpdy and gave bioth to them, and are the mother.
3. I am afraid they will become more attached to her than they are to me. Suppose they do stay over there, dont fret that, again, you're the mother, the source of life and love, she isnt.
4. I am afraid she will try to buy their affections.
Dont sweat it. if she buys them something, thats nice of her, jus say thanks.
5. I am afraid that she really is a nice person, and my kids get all attached to her and then he does the same thing to her, upsetting my kids all over again.
Maybe/ Explain to your kids that she may or may not be around liong term. They very well may get attached to her. So defisntely take it into consideration before making any decisions. Discuss this with your ex-hubby.
I once got super attached to one of my Dads friends gilrfriend, who moved on from him b/c he didnt want to marry her, and even though it wasnt even family i cried and cried and CRIED and hurt for a long time. I till think of her now and then, she was such a beautiful person. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:34:22 PM | Hun I really feel for you, HOWEVER no matter how hard you try to protect you kids from knowing about the immorality of life, like women hooking up with married men, they will know... If they don't get it today, they will... It is going to be up to them to decide if they want to respect that or not...
1. Sounds like he's trying to force your hand, and get you to accept the situation, other wise, he figures your on your own... OK, that is his right, he can do that... However you can get a sitter because you don't feel comfortable with the idea...
2. Hun this is a very hurt bruised ego talking... Unless you are total beast of a mother, then there is no reason to fear this.. Mums love runs extremely deep... Same will go when you heal, get your move forward shoes on, and meet someone...
Try not to let this fear rule your life, simply because it isn't going to happen. Yes, you will deal with your children being exposed to someone else... However if you try to alienate your kids from dad because of YOUR fears, they will only feel put in the middle of an adult situation they never expected to be placed in...
Yes it is hard, and it hurts, but kids before a wounded pride and ego... It will do your kids the greatest favor than you know right now...
3. read back to two... This is YOUR fear and hurt ego talking... Remember kids are very smart, and probably will not be that thrilled with the woman that broke dad and mom up... THEY need an adult to help them with those feelings, a hurt mum adding to their own confusion is not going to help...
4. Well ok, she is footing the bill for you estranged spouse, is she really the wealthy to buy you kids affection as well??? Once again, kids may buy in to the goodies for a few minutes, then it is back to who has really been there... PROMISE...
5. For your kids sack lets hope she IS a nice woman... there is nothing worse for kids, then a person who is horrible to them, and making feel like their own dad is not their own any longer...
If she is nice, and he leaves her, that is tough stuff, but once again a level headed parent there for the fall will make up for any stupidity he may put out....
This is tough time for you hun... You were blind sided, and now kicked in the ovaries, or at least it feels, however in time when you get your feet back under you, and the routine back in life, things will settle down....
Tough to be put i this position and understand the why... Sometimes we are better off not even trying to figure this kind of stuff out, because no matter what it won't make sense, or make us feel better about the situation...
Keep going to your support group, and stop fearing.... YES the unknown IS scary, however spouses behaving badly leaving the other in a really vulnerable and bad position come place...
The fears you have aren't uncommon, however are something that are almost the least of your worries... What your estranged spouse does is NOT something you can control, however how YOU react is something you can...
My best wishes for you... | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/11/2009 9:57:27 PM | The hard part is that I truly am intelligent enough that my common sense is telling me all of these things. It is a bruised ego. In fact, my self esteem is so low, I think it is buried somewhere underneath the basement.
I know the biggest and best healer is time. But on top of that, are there any ideas to make it a little easier to handle in time being?
I really don't want to involve my kids in my hurt and anger. And it is really hard when they come into the room and I am crying to explain that it is nothing for them to worry about.
As for getting a sitter, unfortunately, that is not really an option, as I am currently looking for work (thanks to the economy and my last company not making very good business decisions) and can't really afford a sitter. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/11/2009 10:00:48 PM | Hi,
I agree with Sweetness.
The only thing I would say is that you get in your Ex's face and make it clear that you are going to protect the feelings and well being of your children...Period.
You have to be sure that he will do the same and not bring different women into the picture whenever he feels like it.
Like your marriage, my ex ended it and was having an affair with another man...while always accusing me of having one. I was married for 16yrs and NEVER EVER cheated on her....the point I'm making is that even though she was a crappy wife, she would NEVER bring a guy into the family that wasn't a good person. I trust her with that. She is a VERY good mother and would never bring a man around my daughter that could hurt her physically or emotionally. We had the conversation.
I hope you can demand that of your ex, because the kids had no fault in what his idiotic decisions were. God Bless. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/11/2009 11:48:58 PM | Ok.. a simple kick in the pants here
here's what the main thrust of your post is:
2. I am afraid
3. I am afraid
4. I am afraid .
5. I am afraid
YOUR views.. YOUR fears.
You cant live your life from a FEAR based approach.
Make a DECISION of what you are going to DO. then DO it.
Do it irrespective (look that word up) of what anyone else does. Do it cause you KNOW it is right, with purpose, and will accomplish your THOUGHT OUT GOALS. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/12/2009 7:46:32 AM | I have to agree with 1kindman4u...fear is what I heard loud and clear. The thing about fear is that is can motivate you to protect yourself but there can be a high price you pay if you give into some fears and allow them to run your life. Fear has a tendency to breed insecurity.
It is very unfortunate that you are going through what you are going through...it is undoubtedly a difficult time. If you were a close friend of mine, I would suggest you break it down into different issues....the first one being dealing with the end of your marriage and the loss of the man you love(d). Accept that his choice not to continue to love you was something outside of your control and more a reflection of him than you. You can get over the hurt and learn to trust someone enough to love them and allow them to love you. The second issue being the "other women"....again, you have no control over them. He will always have "one" around and your children will have a relationship of sorts with these women. They can have a relationship with them but they can never replace you. You are their mother. You carried them, you gave birth to them, you cared for them when they were sick, you held them when they were scared or hurt, you have loved them for every second of their life. Who could ever replace you Mom?
If you can find a way to let go of the fear, the insecurity you feel will also go away. If you can focus on your new life and keep loving your children, you will get stronger each and every day. In time, you will be grateful that he left because your life will be better than it was in a marriage with a man who didn't love you the way he should have loved you. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/12/2009 7:49:59 AM | | I would tell your Ex that he is need at home to babysit on Wedsdays or ask another relative/friend of yours. There is no need to introduce your children at this stage to his latest fu*k buddy. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/12/2009 7:54:34 AM | | I agree with caolann. Until your husband (ex?) has a more stable living environment, I wouldn't allow the kids to go to his latest fu#k buddies house to hang out. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/12/2009 8:36:43 AM | Ok, so then you have to make choices, and a lot of them in a short amount of time... You can work up the ability to NOT attack, and tell your ex straight out, NOW IS NOT the time for your kids to be put into this situation... THAT you need him to watch the kids, and THIS IS ABOUT THE KIDS, yes you are needing the support group, but his watching them IS about him being their RESPONSIBLE father....
OH HUN, the diplomacy is hard to work on, BUT you can do it...
Take you esteem out of the dumpster, and start working on it...
No job??? Start getting an education, you have a computer, take on line classes... That will up your job marketability for when things get better...
Next get out and start exercising, why, because it kicks in endorphins that help humans feel better... This has the positive affect of weight lose if you need it and toning up, which always is a boost to who we are...
Get listings for FREE activities to go out and do with your kids... I don't know where you live, but here there are magazines of different things for parents to do generally for free...
FOCUS on what you need to improve... You stated self esteem, you have kids, so this is a biggy, you don't want to pass your own negative feelings on to your kids... Believe me it happens, and really stinks to see it in the kids as adults...
Get to the library and get books on esteem building, as well as read off the net... Some of it is going to be complete crap, HOWEVER some of it isn't....
You cry... OK, no need to lie, your kids know... They see the hurt, they feel it themselves, be honest, you are sad that things have turned out this way... Why try faking it, just don't drag it out day in and day out, some women do, I don't know you....
Most of all, believe in YOUR OWN ability to take on life... Right now you don't see it, and can't imagine doing it yourself... WELL no matter what happened with him, YOU are now on your own, so this is life, you tackle it like any other project needing done... Head on, knowing there isn't much choice, but to just dig in...
Mistakes are always going to happen, humans are NOT perfect, and you will fall over a lot of times... Don't worry so much about that, just keep looking towards the progress... NEXT, surround yourself with friends, and find a group to do baby sitting exchanges. You are gonna need that...
Remember what your ex does is NOT something YOU can control... Don't own it, and don't let it eat you alive... HARD TO DO, but after a while you one day realize it isn't worth owning his crap... One day you will progress to a point, YOUR CHOICE, that you will realize it actually ended up a better thing then you expected...
HUN it is hard, ohhhh so very hard right now, but it does get easier... You just have to kick the fear to the curb...
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/12/2009 9:35:31 AM | Thoughts and feelings are not ridiculous, we all have them and what you need to recognize is how to act because of them and what you can and cannot control in your children's lives.
Let me first start with something I recognized about maybe 10 years or so ago before I split with my ex and maybe seeing this will help you to realize that this isn't just about the other woman. My daughter has always had friends that would take her places with their families. From the time she was maybe 8 or 9, she wound up going to Six Flags (which was great for me, she had fun and I am not an amusement park person). She also seemed to wind up with friends with younger brothers so when my middle son was a bit young for this type of thing, I was okay with it because I knew the family, etc.
Now, I ran a business as well but I was a stay-at-home mother, so I was used to taking them to the zoo, museums, and many other activities. I remember one day getting this totally weird feeling because my kids were having experiences without me, doing things that I hadn't done with them and while on the one hand I knew this was great, I felt left out, is the bottom line. But that is part of growing up so you can either look at this situation coloring it totally with the other woman aspect of it or you can recognize that you can't be with your children all the time and it is good for them to have experiences without you.
It's a moral thing. She knew my husband was married. I sent her several messages and she didn't/doesn't care. I don't want her teaching her lack of values to my kids.
This kind of goes to the above. Unless you are going to keep your kids shackled to the house, they are going to discover that people cheat on their spouses, that there are people that cheat with people when they know they are married rather than the situation when the man or woman lies and says they aren't married and the person they cheat with is unwitting to the situation. Unless you are keeping them again, in the house, they are going to encounter different moral values but I will tell you this, if you talk to your children and explain why you have the values you do, even if they occasionally stray from good judgment they really do listen to parents more than peers and other sources of information.
2. I am afraid that she is going to try to replace me in their life.
She will never replace you just as any man you eventually invite into your life won't replace their father. In the best of circumstances and in you being a big enough person to forgive (not for him/them but for you), your children have another adult that loves them, this is not a bad thing. Is it possible for someone to be a cheater and in other ways be a good influence on your children, of course it is. You keep your eyes and ears open in this regard and hope for the best which is them liking her and finding a place for her in their hearts because whether any of you like it or not, she is there and isn't going anywhere at least for the time being. A family at church is going through this, the kids that are all teens, are pretty pissed that their dad is now marrying the woman they know he cheated on their mom with. They have more than a right to their feelings but unless this 2nd marriage tanks, they are stuck with the gal, better to encourage them to forgive and try to accept than to carry around anger that does them more harm than anyone else.
3. I am afraid they will become more attached to her than they are to me.
Not going to happen. They may become attached in a different way but again, not a bad thing.
4. I am afraid she will try to buy their affections.
She can try to buy their affection all she wants but again, children don't want money and things, they want the people that care for them to care for them. My kids pretty see my ex as a source of income, not because this is how they were raised to behave, but because he cannot be bothered taking an interest in their lives. They would gladly give up an ipod to have their father's real attention. She can buy them whatever they want but it is not going to change your relationship with them because you give them what they need emotionally not materialistically.
5. I am afraid that she really is a nice person, and my kids get all attached to her and then he does the same thing to her, upsetting my kids all over again.
This one is also a plausibility but this goes again to what I prefaced my response with. People come and go from our lives. I have had friends that left significant holes for a while when those friendships ended. People move, I have had friends from jobs that it is just difficult to keep in regular touch with when you leave the job and contact is relegated to Christmas cards. They need to learn that not everyone that comes into their life is going to be there forever and they can miss them, they can even more learn to appreciate the joy that they brought to their lives during that time.
And in regard to this last thing while it will hurt and saddens your kids, it will also teach them something valuable as they move on in their lives. Our children aren't necessarily always going to make good decisions. They have lived through your splitting up so they might, if you talk to them about things like what you didn't see in your ex that perhaps could have shown you he might be unfaithful, etc. (age appropriate convos obviously, mine are teens so that is my frame of reference and there is a difference between discussing reality and bad mouthing because I take full responsibility for choices I made as well), they are better equipped to choose well. In my case, I chose someone who was close with his families and appeared to be a good father but there were oodles of questions I should have asked myself that I didn't because I really didn't know any better. My mother had never talked with me about choosing a boyfriend much less a life partner. Your kids will also learn how they felt because of their father's choices so they will hopefully strive not to make similar mistakes and if he leaves this woman at some point, these lessons will be further reinforced and that is not necessarily a bad thing. You can also remember that they have the ability to continue the relationship if their dad splits from her and you can give them permission to do that by developing a relationship with her no matter how much it makes you want to throw up in your mouth.
I didn't like my stepson's mother because of the things she did to my ex and because of the things she did and didn't do for my stepson. But I sucked it up and tried to be as cordial and accommodating as possible. Ironically, my stepson is now 30 and his mother and I are actually really friends. We share grandchildren and once he got to a certain age, the responsibility for his successes or failure were all on him and I think it made it easier for us to just be women with each other, if that makes any sense. She is kind of like an honorary aunt. At my mother-in-law's funeral, when I was tending to my daughter, I turned around to see her holding my middle son who had been in front of me and started crying as he walked away from the casket while I remained with my daughter who was already crying. Nineteen years ago I could never have imagined that happening but if you really focus on what's best for your kids and keep any of your more petty (although justified) feelings to yourself, this will all be okay. You are a constant for your kids and that is what will be important to them and why she will never replace you in their affection.
And here's my advice relative to your repost, you can either see all of this as bad, or some of it as good. Most of us who have been embroiled in raising kids, four for me as well if we include my stepson, one day we wake up and have been a wife and mother for so long we really don't know who we are anymore. I would take the kids on Wednesday, you need the support group and you are really only delaying the inevitable, similarly with the every other weekend thing. You can't afford a babysitter but shouldn't their father take some responsibility in caring for them? You can't afford a babysitter but when they are with their dad, you have some needed time to be by yourself. You are grieving the relationship no matter how much of a dirtbag your ex is and it is hard to do that when you are trying to keep that stiff upper lip for the kids, you can't always do the crying at night when they are asleep and even if they are like mine and sleep like the dead, kids are a bit like moms, some things WILL wake them, like mom crying in her room to keep us from knowing how much she hurts.
It is alright to allow your kids to see a measure of that but you can also have free and unfettered wallowing time when your kids are not at home, and I fully believe that tears can and should be emotionally cleansing as long as you don't get lost in them and start doing it rather than moving on with your life. Are you really doing your kids any favors if you try to pretend this doesn't hurt at all? I think we are closer to our kids when we allow them to know that we are vulnerable, that we don't always know the right answer when they ask us questions, or to even be able to explain totally why we have made a certain decision with regards to them. That isn't a bad thing because they learn from our mistakes just as much as they do from the things we do well. You can show them that you were in this situation, you started going to counseling to help work through your feelings so that you could move positively forward for yourself as well as them. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/12/2009 9:55:53 AM | | well i'm from north carolina and judges down here are typically pretty conservative and you can stipulate that your children not be subjected to having misc. women in their life as far as spending the night (which is wrong for your kids to see two people sleeping together not married anyway) but you can't keep them away from women in your exs life unless they are abusive. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/12/2009 9:35:20 PM | As for the going back to school thing, I fully intend to. In fact, when I first lost my job I was going to take advantage of that time to do just that. Unfortunately he dropped all of this into my lap and has done everything he can to keep me down. Of course, I realize I have not made that hard for him. At this point, I can hardly focus on finding a job that does use what little bit of education I have, much less doing well in any classes. I know it sounds like an excuse. But I will probably be going back in the winter.
I know all of this is my fear speaking. And I have done a lot of soul searching on this matter. That doesn't make this any easier. I guess I am looking for some way to deal with the fear, so that if I do decide to let them go over there I am not calling every hour to make sure they are okay, or going over there and taking the kids home because it's becoming too much for me to handle.
By the way, I already knew what irrespective meant. I may not have that paper thing called a diploma you get when you graduate college, but I am a decently intelligent person. I got me a thrid grad eddicaton!!!  | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/12/2009 9:55:02 PM | Drop me a line if you'd like, your restrictions make it hard to write you personally...
There are many things people use to heal... It all depends on what works best for what person...
It is very good that you recognize that YOU OWN what powers you think he has... This is one of the first steps to growing, and to letting go...
There are a LOT of things that can make focus hard, trust me I have a handful of credits, and right now I can't focus on breathing right, let alone school... A HANDFUL... There is no real drama, and in fact I am at a good place... POINT, no matter there are days, weeks, months and so on that make focus hard...
Decide for yourself what powers you will let him have... easier said that done, YES you hurt, and someone just walked out leaving you with four kids, you lost your job, and now have to start over,,,, yeah that is a hell of a lot to take on...
give yourself a break... In other words, if the first time or two you call every hour, and or feel the need to get your kids, OK THEN... At some point you will realize this is NOT beneficial for yourself, and or your kids, so you will once again realize that it IS ok...
Irrespective of what anyone says, you have to go back to remembering YOU were a wonderful person before the two of you met, and still are now... It is just digging through the fall out that you are worried you are NOT ok... Most of us who have something so unexpected feel that way, then one day we find that no matter what, we still have US...
You are really doing well... You just need to remind yourself of that... Hugs....KD | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/13/2009 2:27:21 PM | My situation was eerily similar to yours OP. She moved into a rental with the guy she cheated with and the kids stayed with me. It wasn't much later when she began wanting overnight stays, then weekend stays, etc. I was not warm to the idea of my young children staying in this guys house not 10' from the bedroom that there mom was now laying with this guy. Not to mention his borderline alcoholism and dead beat status with his ex wife.
My suggestions are similar to what other posters have said, have a family member watch your kids or invite him over alone to watch them that night. If he goes for it then great.
I will add in though that if the issue is pressed from his end you may end up with the same reply I got. When we were in court for temporary custody I had requested no overnight stays at her boyfriends place; the judge turned that down with a response along the lines of "you're going to have to get used to it eventually anyways". It really didn't seem to matter what the household setting there was like unless I could prove a legitimate physical danger. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/14/2009 8:53:01 PM | Well, here is my update, just so everyone that offered their advice (which is very much appreciated, by the way) knows how things went. I did decide to drop the kids off at his house, which is also his girlfriend's house. I had several panic attacks, and lots of hiding the tears on the way there, but I know I will have to deal with this situation eventually, so I caved, so to speak.
And things went pretty much as I expected them to. The 1 yr old would not let daddy put him down. But he did let her hold him for about a whole minute before he started to cry. The girls liked her and got in the car telling me how nice she was, which was not really what I wanted to hear.
But she has already started buying them things. She got the older 3 all a t-shirt, which may not seem to be a big deal. But I can't afford to go out and start buying them things, so when she does it I start feeling guilty that I can't. Now I am afraid that he is going to be a better father than I am a mother and he sill try to fight me for custody and take them away. Once again, I know it is just my fear speaking.
Anyway, the kids were all happy to see me and I could tell my baby couldn't wait to climb on my lap, since he cried the entire way home and then climbed right on me as soon as I got him out of his carseat.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you to all of those that offered advice and kind words. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/14/2009 9:39:22 PM | It is all fun and games until the chaos doesn't stop... She is trying to put her best foot forward, remember this is something a person does when they want to appear to be such a GREAT person....
She's got a LONG way to go for that...
It is fine the girls think she's nice, just wait until she puts down a rule, and they announce she IS NOT THEIR MOM OR parent, then the shyt will hit the fan and hard...
Stop feeling guilty, because there is no reason to feel that way... I know easier said than done, even when I lovingly accepted my ex's NEW gf, and she was to move from Arizona, and all was so great and wonderful BECAUSE SHE'S rich, and dang she was gonna do this and that...
In fact dad got to MOVE to the rich side of town, and they live in a great house, and and,,, Well reality is, they are paying out MORE than my new husband and I bring in (I'm in school) which we can't afford all the wonderful great fabulous things his dad GF buys HER son... However at first it was a nudge in my face, but then my son said DON'T feel bad, because she has problems, and it isn't always great to be at dad's house...
In fact DAD is nicer to his GF son, so now our son doesn't like being around dad all that much...
You are doing good... REALLY all you are feeling and reacting to is normal... | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/14/2009 11:08:31 PM | thanks nexthyme. One of the things that kind of threw up a red flag is that my girls said that the girlfriend said there weren't going to be any "no's". Which raises several issues.
1) There is no structure there. My kids need that structure and routine. They have all been through a lot of changes recently. They need to know that things are going to be as normal as possible. And with no discipline and structure, they aren't going to get that normalcy.
2) Then there is the issue that will arise when I try to discipline them for something and I get told how much they hate me and that she lets them do whatever it is at her house.
3) It feels like she is already trying to set herself up to take my place.
The whole thing with her setting herself up is my paranoia talking. But I am very afraid that my ex is going to try to out-parent me and try to get them taken away from me for whatever reason. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/14/2009 11:47:05 PM | | First of all dont worry about her teaching them lack of moral values their dad has already done that. And to address the other issue. I've been thru it and my x girlfriend has her own business and she spends money on my kids i mean CRAZY amounts of money. I used to let it bother me in the beginning but i look at it this way.... She is good to my kids thats a plus.... and my kids know who their mom is and that will never change. Your kids might like this woman, but she will never replace you. Be happy that she is good to them and if she loves them then what does it hurt, they cant be loved too much. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/15/2009 9:30:11 PM |
1) There is no structure there. My kids need that structure and routine. They have all been through a lot of changes recently. They need to know that things are going to be as normal as possible. And with no discipline and structure, they aren't going to get that normalcy.
hehehehe...that woman is an idiot. She will learn the hard way WHY there needs to be structure.......hahahaha! Don't worry OP, kids feel most secure when there is structure and boundaries, it will make your kids trust you more in the long run.
2) Then there is the issue that will arise when I try to discipline them for something and I get told how much they hate me and that she lets them do whatever it is at her house.
We are parents, not friends to our children. Both my children have told me when they were mad at me that they hated me.....it hurt the first time only. With/without another woman involved in their lives, this could happen with your kids. I got around it with both my children by telling them it was ok to be mad at me....they could even say they were mad at me but saying I hate you was off the table. I don't hear it anymore.....
3) It feels like she is already trying to set herself up to take my place.
Well then she will be disappointed because noone can replace a loving bio Mom! She is insecure and doing what she thinks will endear your children to her because she knows he is a package deal and has to......
Try hard not to think about what she is doing or how they are doing when they are with her...you will only drive yourself crazy over something that is quite simply beyond your control. Try instead to focus on your relationships with your children...strengthen them and nurture them and everything will work itself out. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/15/2009 10:37:32 PM | TakenItsallin has given you some sage advice. I'm reiterating but also suggesting that you do some very difficult things now because they will pay off for you as time moves along.
I know it is difficult for you to hear that they like this woman but please remember, this is far preferable to a women brought into their life who is a b!tch and treats them like crap. Try to focus on that and soon your heart will catch up to your head on that one. My stepson's mother, not happy remotely that my stepson liked me, I think for many even when you don't want the ex, someone else stepping into your shoes is weird and I think it made her feel competitive in a way even though she walked away from "her territory." Your situation is more difficult because you know what this woman did but you need to get to the same place anyway.
I know too that it is frustrating that you cannot do as much as you would like financially for your children but the positive aspect of this is that the kids are gaining and the love and stability you give them is more important and they don't care where things come from. Many people with two parents in the home cannot afford extras and are barely scraping by with the necessities, where is the reason for guilt? You have to talk yourself out of these things by stopping the thought pattern when it starts, maybe even consciously breathing your way through it?
They can't take your children away because you are a good mother. The courts recognize the need for stability particularly for young children and while they will have visitation, custody, nope.
Children may act like they like the no rules household but they really prefer the one with structure and rules. As Itsallin noted, she will quickly discover that structureless with three young kids is tantamount to committing suicide.
And the I hate you, yup, you are going to get that regardless because when we are pissed and we can't find anything logical to say we make up shit that pushes people's buttons. Our kids learn to do it really young and you aren't going to get through the teen years without hearting that and perhaps on a fairly regular basis.
Some of these things are going to happen to you and would have happened to you if you two had stayed together. Your kids, for example, may at some point prefer to spend time with their friends and sometimes may seem closer to the mothers of their friends than you. No one person should be everything to any other person. My sister-in-law who is somewhat of a religious fanatic made the comment that parents cannot be there all the time and they trust God to look after their children when they aren't. I have extrapolated that idea because I embrace the notion that we should be a village raising children and what I can't be for my children for whatever reason, I hope that other good adults or even peers are. You cannot be replaced but other people can and should play positive roles in our children's lives. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/15/2009 11:07:45 PM | It's called DivorceCare and I go at my church. It actually does help a lot. But one of the things with this group is that it is not for those people that don't take their marriage vows seriously. All of us in the group have, for one reason or another, had this forced onto us. Even if the woman was the one that left. In fact, a lot of the times, when someone new shows up, we do pray for a reconciliation for them if it at all possible.
Thank you all for your sound advice. I really appreciate it. I know it will take time, but I will eventually get there.
There is a part of me that is glad she is nice and that the kids liked her. But at the same time, it would have just made things so much easier for me if she had been horrible and my kids were begging me not to go back there. :) | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/16/2009 6:46:22 AM | OP, you are really doing quite well in a difficult situation and kudos to you for knowing where your head is and dealing with it instead of letting it boil over and cause you to be snippy with the kids. And you are correct, it's gonna take time, but time will help, try to remember that.
Something that helped me when I split with my ex, and I was the one that kicked him out, one of your necessary kickers in your group, was walking. I started walking with a friend so I had a 3-mile route, but she blew out her knee two weeks into the deal and I kept walking it daily by myself. The repetition of the steps and I think just being by myself, thinking or not, was very helpful to me, something therapeutic about it beyond it was good for my health. My 14-year-old son has taken to walking when he gets upset, worth trying it to see if maybe it is helpful to you. My son usually just walks until he feels better instead of any pre-determined route. | |
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| I need some help and advice, please.......
Posted: 10/16/2009 2:40:38 PM | So OP, basically, the situation is challenging you insecurities, which is not a bad thing. What would you say to a friend who would ask you the same?
Here is my 5 cents:
1) The moral thing. Ok, but he is their dad. He has as much right to parent them as you do unless he proves unsuitable. You will still be the main residetial parent and able to see if the contact seems to have some negative impact. Remember, we all have our right/wrong, some people have it differently set from us and some are not so passionate about it. It might be more problematic for your children to see you being possesive, judgemental or controlling.
2) that could never happen. You are their mum, period. That is just an insecurity speaking. Which is fine, but perhaps not good to let it rule you, but rather challenge it. Remember, on the other hand, you can benefit from this too, by getting a little me time.
3) thats kinda the same as no 2
4) children are not stupid. You cannot buy true affections. You can however teach children that people can be played. But until you have concrete reasons for concern, why not be open minded?
5) Look, just about anything can theoretically happen. We can sit here and negatively fantasize ad libitum.
Perhaps consider some therapy and self-help books, it's aboslutely no shame in it, you might grow enormously as a person, even though right now you feel in emotional gutters. | |
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