| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:21:54 PM | Hey Pof People ,
Im in need of some advice badly , I posted a previous thread and go some good feedbacks but i didnt go into details as i should have so everyone can understand my situation.
Im seeing a guy for about 1 year half now, Everything was going smooth in the beginning it still is by the way,
but im starting to have some doubts about how far our relationship will actually go.
I like him alot and he a good guy but he also has some very selfish self centered traits about him that i cant stand because he thinks he knows everything, and he never takes my advice or opinions i may give him on anything .
so we planned to go on a cruise coming up in november , being that this was going to be our first trip together as a couple we were really excited and was planning . , he currently lives with his parents he has the whole basement to himself, they do dont bug ,he can do whatever he wants , and he does not have to pay rent either and he has his own privacy . he;s a recent college grad so right now he's just workin tryinng to get his career going.
he really wants his own apartment. but alot of the apartments we look at are very pricey . he look at on place saturday but it's 1500 and its alot of money for him to pay by himself plus car insurance etc .
he really likes it but we discussed it and realized if he got it we wount be able to take our trip or doing anything fun for a long time, because all the money will be put towards that,./he realized that would suck so he said he wouldnt get it. he'll keep shopping around for something cheaper.
he's call's me earlier and tell me he was speaking to some of his friends and they said he should get it. so he going to go throught with it and get the apartment.
i just feel like the relationship is not going to work out because there is no real parthership he does what he wants to do with or without my opinion.
he takes his friends advice even tho we discussed this . and for someone who loves me he should at least consider my feelings as well.
and its not like there is a urgent need to move out right away he has privacy , he dont have to pay rent, and he has a big full basement to himself.
It wouldnt hurt to wait.
my question is to everyone how you feel in a situatiom like this and how would you address it?
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:26:37 PM | He's not your husband. He's not obligated to discuss his purchases or finances with you.
If he wants to move into an apartment and put the vacation on hold, that's his prerogative.
He is what he is. If he never takes your advice or opinions on anything, then you know what you'd be getting into if you stay with him or marry him. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:30:08 PM | Lmaoo. Stereotypically "living in parents' basement".
Bottom line is that he values having his own place more than your vacation together. You value the opposite. Tell him that. If he doesn't value your opinion or rational points you bring up, assuming they're well grounded, then you need to figure out whether that's a deal breaker for you. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:30:55 PM | Here's a very important part of being in a healthy relationship. Respect. Communication.
If you want to be a good female partner in a committed relationship something you may want to consider developing is the ability to put yourself in your man's shoes.
its not like there is a urgent need to move out right away he has privacy , he dont have to pay rent, and he has a big full basement to himself.
It wouldnt hurt to wait.
This is YOUR opinion and your feelings.
But how does he feel?
Do you know?
Are you hearing in him how he feels being a grown man, and living in his parent's basement?
Of course they've made it ideal for him. That's AWESOME! But, it's time for him to leave home now. And yes, that's important.
As his woman - shouldn't you be proud of him?
Shouldn't you be thinking about the pleasure the TWO OF YOU will experience long term when he has this nice place of his own?
Instead of being self-centered and upset cuz your trip isn't the priority?
You're asking us if he's selfish - ask yourself if you are.
I understand a cruise would be fun. And romantic! And wonderful to experience.
But those things are SUPPOSED to wait - until you can afford them in addition to meeting your every day obligations and needs like a home, utilities, food, insurance, etc.,
Your man is being a responsible adult.
Why are you dogging on him and thinking of ending the relationship over it?
You want to be a real woman he can love?
Support him.
Tell him you think it's great and mean it. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:33:15 PM | So you think it's better he sponge off his parents for as long as he can so you guys can have "fun"?
So you think going on vacation is more important that moving out of his parents house?
Sure go on that trip that will last a whole week when he could have the freedom of living on his own....oh decisions decisions.
If he can afford to move out on his own, then he should do it.
Me thinks he has his priorities straight and you are still stuck in party mode. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:34:00 PM | a couple of years ago,one would advise you to run.but in this economy,i would say help his parents out as much as possible and stay in school and save your money.the one thing that concerns me is you state he is a bit self centered!now,if he is spoiled,always been the apple in his parents eye,then you have a problem,because it will always be about him.you will never win an argument,and he will perceive you as the aggressor.he will have to work on that,otherwise,you will become very frustrated and it will not last if you become roomy's.see my point?
sounds perfect other than that,and that is a big issue.talk to him about it,if he becomes defensive,then you know what i'm talking about,right?it is terrible being made to feel you are always wrong,or that you have to watch how you speak all the time,cause the other is always taking small things out of context!you know what i'm saying,cause that's why you are asking for opinions.
one more thing,you are smart,sounds like you jumped in before and got burned.so now you know,and asking the right questions before hand.hope some others can come on and articulate better than me.
good luck. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:34:08 PM | | Maybe you should question his honesty..He might want space and it seems things will not last much longer..He will do what he wants and it doesnt seem that compromise is in his future.. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:34:31 PM | he does not have to be my husband
for me to voice my opinion .
when your in a relationship shouldnt it be a team work .
if your going not care what your mate has to say or take their opinion on anything
then whats the point of being with them. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:34:49 PM | He's got nothing to worry about.
As an RN, you'll be making plenty of money and he can still 'wear the pants'.
Worry less about him and more about your self!
You see him making decision, but you appear to be blind to YOUR decisions...
Not making a decision is still a decision. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:35:16 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^ Landra2 has her facts right OP!
Op are you that possessive and think your entitled for him to get your approval on how he spends his Money or when his interested in doing something with out you???? What arrogance and ignorance on your part OP.
Talk about women that are unrealistic materialistic and shallow, she thinks the world revolves around her. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:41:43 PM | | How can your relationship ever go anywhere if he is still living in his parent’s basement? It sounds like he felt that getting his life in order was more important than cruises and other extraneous spending. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:43:21 PM | Bottom line is, this boy has a lot of growing up to do...and what I'm hearing from you? Is that you are already grown, and you wanna get serious with somebody.
It's obvious to me that you both are not on the same page.
He's still in the process of getting his life together, there can be no real....serious commitment if he's still in the process of finding his independence.
The fact that he's choosing to listen to his friends over you just shows his level of commitment, know what I mean?
Either you wait another more years for your homeboy to grow up and let him know exactly what you want from this relationship, or honey do yourself a favor and find another nice, great! amazing!...mannnnn, who IS not only going to listen to what you have to say, but also be on that same wavelength of starting a future together. But to tell you the truth? the guy you've just described doesn't reflect that at all and personally, I wouldn't stand for it. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:44:19 PM | Voice your opinion?????
Dayuhm girl you're determined to have your way in this and be right aren't you?
Well - all I can say is you aren't going on the cruise.
I doubt you make it much longer with the guy. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:45:54 PM | | hi... sorry to read that you are feeling let down OP...... I could not be with someone who did not consider my opinions or feelings.. the trip was for both of you so imho both of you had to come to the decision to cancel it... looking ahead you can see that this apt may give him some financial strain, something that you will have to bear yet did not agree to.. I would tell him how you are feeling unappreciated or not heard, maybe if he knew it plainly he may be softer to you, or not... I think life is much easier when a mate values their partners input... blessings for balance and happiness | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:48:54 PM | Im not being selfish ,
I Just feel like yes i know he wants his own apartment which is cool and everything
but how long can a couple sit in the house and cook dinner and have movie nights . and play games in the house.
it going to get boring after a while especially since we're now starting out .
i feel like for us to plan this trip and talk about it for so long and now have thing changed it selfish on his part .
im not trying to change anyone's life i just feel he should have considered the our relationship ans my feelings as well.
and him living in his parents basement is not as bad it sounds , he's a very smart guy i know that as well as his parents . they dont want him to pay rent because they want him to get his career established and enjoy his life can move out whenever he wants .
there is no pressure and they dont look down upon him .
he wants his own apartment just because he wants it there isnt no reason ... | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:50:11 PM | I think you need clarification on the status of your relationship with this guy.
It is possible you think you are in a different place than where he sees it.
I don't think you can address it, other than by clarifying status.
You can't force yourself on him, deal with it or walk away ... | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 5:58:24 PM | | well I'm going to start off like another poster said, you guys are not married why does he need to consult you on how to spend his money, you sound like you are mad about maybe not going on the cruise, to me that's selfish. Also that man may be tired of living in the basement he wants something on his own, also he may have known his friends longer than you, so of course he may value their opinions over yours, the only advice i can tell you is there will be "other" cruises, chill out. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 6:06:57 PM |
but he also has some very selfish self centered traits about him that i cant stand because he thinks he knows everything, and he never takes my advice or opinions i may give him on anything
^^^^^I wonder if he could say the same thing about you?
You are considering breaking up with the guy because he won't go along with your opinion. I'm not sure how often this happens as you have only provided the one example.
I doubt seriously that his friends talked him into the apt. More likely what happened was that he discussed it with his friends saying he thinks the apartment is more important than the cruise and they just supported his decision. Which is more than you are doing.
I'm curious. Who was paying for this cruise? Were you both splitting the costs? When were the plans officially made? Was it in the planning stages? Were reservations made? | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 6:11:16 PM | Personally, I don't know why he needs a $1500 apartment to live in by himself, where is he living, Manhatten? Jeez, I have had house payments less than that! If he can afford it, though, it certainly is better to move out of his parent's basement, that just screams 'immature' to me. If you want to take a cruise with him, and he can't afford it, then you pay for it. They are cheap as hell right now, anyway, so what's the big deal?
No you are not married, nor do you live together, so while you can give your opinion all you want, he is not required to listen. He may consider it, but he is not your child, and he can do as he pleases.
If you don't like these things about him now, you're going to like them even less if you end up married. Think about that!
Beth | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 6:18:37 PM | | I would say that he is right in his determination that his living arrangements are more important than a cruise. Just because he made a decision not to go one the cruise does not necessarily mean he doesn't listen to you, it could mean he just has different priorities. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 6:19:15 PM | Basically, it is a choice between luxury and necessity. What will you choose?
He had discussed it with you and you knew very well that he wanted it. He discussed it with his friends and they agree. Even if he didn't abide by your opinion, it doesn't mean he doesn't value yours. It just meant that you have different take on it while it was the same with his friends. In the end the decision that he makes is only his. No one is responsible for that decision except him, not you nor his friends. You look at it as unnecessary. He looks at it as his pride and joy.
I think it is your form of entertainment that is too "pricey". If you enjoy his company, you will enjoy it anywhere even if it just in a small fishing boat.
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 6:28:52 PM | we were both putting money towards the cruise, we both put in vacation days for the cruise and were going to pay next week , but it was planned for early nov.
i guess i may sound selfish now for saying that will not pay for anyone's cruise or pay or anything for anyone (hey like everyone said we;re not married) so im not obligated to support or take care of anyone .... | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 6:29:08 PM | You are young and want to be able to go out, shop, travel and enjoy your life, as an RN you are doing well fiancially. I support that 100% and wish I had been smart enough not to become part of a couple at 23. Get a few girlfriends together share a small cabin and go on a cruise with them. Make your own plans and stop worrying about him.
His idea of enjoying his life is having his own place. I am not sure where you live but obviously you are ok with it. He isn't. Plus his friends all want a place to crash in the city. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 6:32:21 PM |
I don't know why he needs a $1500 apartment to live in by himself, where is he living, Manhatten?
Actually it is Manhatten. DC is about the same for a 1 bedroom so my bet it's a small apt. at that. | |
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| Im In need of some advice badly ,
Posted: 10/12/2009 7:05:05 PM | what you said:
if your going not care what your mate has to say or take their opinion on anything then whats the point of being with them.
what I said:
If he never takes your advice or opinions on anything, then you know what you'd be getting into if you stay with him or marry him. | |
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