| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 10:48:08 AM | The Men with Women friends got me thinking ( yes that is a very dangerous thing for me to do.)
It's good and healthy to have friendships out side of your relationship. Men have guys that might go golfing with or a poker night .
Women have friends that they might do things with like golf or lunch maybe sopping?
At what point does the outside of the relationship friends become a problem? Or is it a problem?
If you are still working you spend at least 8 hours at work most likely more. There is commute time so you may be gone from the home 10 to 12 hours a day at least 5 days a week. You now havea few hours in the evening. There is dinner prep and clean up. routine chores. This does not allow for quality time does it?
Chores to do on saturday mow the lawn. Get weeks worth of laundry done. Clean the house. The list goes on and on. It is a hard for both of you to get that quality time together. Let alone make time for freinds.
OK you need to spend some time away from your Significant Other. With friends doing something your SO may not enjoy or want to do. When does these exclusive friendship interfere with your relationship?
You want to have dinner and drinks with your girlfriends. Or do a weekend at a Spa with the ladies. Or you hate skiing and he wants to go skiing with the guys for a week. Maybe fishing for a weekend. There's a game on and he wants to spend an evening with his buddies at a sports bar for dinner and beers? | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 11:04:53 AM | After reading that opening post, artz, I'm sure reminded of why glad I'm retired from the working world!
I guess that also makes me unable to give any added thoughts to your ponderings.
I can say, though, that when I was tied into my profession, I was quite busy and really had little time to get involved with someone romantically.
BUT that was because my work involved 24/7/365 on-duty.
Never found a man interested in what I was doing.. and only one in that frame of mind would have matched.
I think if I had been able to 'clock in/out' of a job, there would have been a way to fit in a steady romantic relationship. Many people do it. Somehow. | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 11:25:18 AM | There are only so many hours in the day.
This is why friends often feel the brunt of the neglect when a friend gets into a romantic relationship. In order to establish any kind of romantic partnership, you need to devote time to it, and nurture it. You already HAVE an established friendship with your friends, so you don't need to coddle them. On the other hand, they've been there for you for years, why should you treat them like they don't matter?
Yep, it's hard being an adult, isn't it?
I can't WAIT to retire. BTW--I don't date workaholics, either. Tried it, didn't work for me. After the third time "I'm working late, so will have to take a rain check", I dumped him. | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 11:27:29 AM | Rick What if she was the one with the busy social life that often excluded you She has a wednesday night meeting of some group or the other. Met Saturday after noon for her book club. Had to have dinner with Betty Sue because needed to talk to her. Spends hours on the phone with her female friends. She need some time to shop for new shoes for work her friend that hates you is meeting her since she has such good taste in shoes.
Ladies of POF feel free to post things that guys do that could take away time from the relationship. | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 11:38:46 AM | | hey Artz and Rick following your thread interesting as have been in a relationship with somewhat of a combination workaholic \ sociaholic? Understand grown up children and family can take precedence one day\evening a week, working late takes up early evenings, work hosted networking events hockey, seminars etc can take up a good chunk of the rest of the week's evenings! Join a social club, take up a hobby, bug ur buds, go sailing or ride a bike--just some of the healthy time fillers! hmmmmm forgot to mention good ole pof is always a pleasant distraction! | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 11:41:01 AM | You know, Artz, I have already done many of those things and am no longer interested in many of them. I would just say, on Poker nite with the guys, should be whatever night for us gals. Yes, take a week fishing trip.............................I'll really miss you, and you will be so.......glad to be home to me. I could visit my friend in Colorado that week. I can do some thing I'd like to do, the week you are gone.
I don't want to be joined at the hip and I don't want my SO to feel that way.............
But beware, I will check your tackle box, when you return home, because I have hidden something in there for you to find. And if you have not found it, you are in big trouble!
outdoorgirl | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 12:05:36 PM | This is a good question. I've never been involved with a man who had soooo many "exclusive" friends that it involved any more than about 2 days per month ... mostly helping someone with a car problem or a DIY project. Personally, I don't have "friends" that do "dinners or lunches" with me. I do have a lot of friends that I've met through dancing and singing, but they are not so exclusive that we do things outside of those functions.
I don't think I've ever been "shopping" in my life. I keep lists of things I need, then when it goes on sale, I go get it and that's it. If I find I need something and can't wait for a "sale", then I "shop" for the best prices (on the phone or store ads) and then go get it.
Most of my Significant Others dance as I do and the one knew that I sing and rehearse once per week. In that case, I was not spending time with exclusive friends though, because he was a member at the German club I was singing with (still do sing with them) so they were also his friends. We were members of a singles dance club (that's how we met) and so those friends were also "mutual" friends.
He taught cued ballroom dancing, but since I was his partner and also knew how to dance, I just helped him. I have my own professional Karaoke equipment and so when I would put on a Karaoke evening (almost always for charity), he was there to help me with set up and tear down. I guess you could say we were supportive of each others' hobbies and talents.
We always did all DIY projects together since I know how to do stuff like that as well. For us getting dirty together always meant getting "cleaned up" together as well. He was a good cook and he always enjoyed my cooking too, so even when we were both running late ... we just worked together and got it done.
I honestly can't imagine getting involved with someone who wants so much "exclusive" time away from me. I mean, 10 to 12 hours per day for work and then more time several days a week with other friends? He might as well just stay single and let me find a man who really wants to spend time with me.
I thought the reason to be in a relationship was to actually spend time with each other. | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 1:05:02 PM | Subscribing to the "When Harry Met Sally" philosophy, I don't think it's probable for men & women to be friends. One of them invariably either wants or has hopes for more. (Placing large lead weight on top of "can-o-worms").
As OP wisely points out, there are only so many hours in the day. It works better, at least in my own life, to focus on those few core (most important) people in it. My S/O being the main one. | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 1:07:26 PM |
I thought the reason to be in a relationship was to actually spend time with each other.
I completely agree with this statement. And since by this age I have cultivated enough friendships to keep me busy - I've made the decision that if I want a romantic relationship the friends are going to have to go to the back burner a bit. There's just no way to do everything (in my life, anyway). | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 1:33:46 PM | one of the reasons the last relationship I was in ended ... was ... he was too demanding of my time ... he complained if I wanted to spend time with anyone else ... whether it was one of my children or a female friend ... he insisted on isolating me from everyone but him ... he wanted us to spend every minute of every day together ... called me when I was at work probably six times a day ... would become furious if I didn't respond to his calls instantly ...
one day, I looked up, realized what had happened ... and walked out the door.
I don't know about ALL people ... but I need to have a variety of friends, family, etc. so I don't get shackled into a trapped environment ... I felt like I had died or had been buried alive ...
by then, my children were feeling neglected ... my old friends felt abandoned by me and had gone their various ways ... and I'm still playing catch up ...
that won't happen again ... I want to be a well-rounded individual ... with a lot of social outlets ... | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 1:41:09 PM | some great interesting replies.
I do think couples heading for trouble do tend to get so busy that they regulate the OS to a back burner. Some is most likely a means of avoiding other problems in the relationship. She finds more comfort and understanding with her friends. He does not feel like just another "thing " that she has to deal with. He get more understanding from the friends. In time those outside interest take up more and more time. a couple of weeks may go by with each just saying hello good bye or just dealing with bills and taking care of the everyday stuff. It can get to the point that we are more roommates then lovers and friends. He starts feeling like she only wants him to cover some of the cost of living and do chores and repairs around the house. She starts feeling like she is his maid and cook and that's it. Resentment is bound to build resentment over his golf. Her social obligation. She may no longer want to go out sailing with him. Or doing other activities that they once did together. He resents her friends and her time spent doing the things she enjoys. It's a slippery slope | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 4:21:59 PM | You have to give and take in a relationship.
Friends are important to you both. I have been in the position where I gave up my friends for a partner and only see him and do things with him. To find out quite quickly that it wasn't working. I then had to spend a lot of time making up with my mates.
If I was ever in a partnership now we would have our time together but also spend some time with our friends.
Living ine each others pockets all the time is not a good idea. Been there done that and wore the t-shirt. | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 4:32:44 PM | | The three most common arguments for a couple... sex, money, and how to spend free time. If you are going out with the guys and she's sitting at home alone.. you're in trouble. It works best when you both have something going on.. (she's out with the girls while you are at poker night etc). | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 4:39:20 PM | artz - msg 13
I do think couples heading for trouble do tend to get so busy that they regulate the OS to a back burner. Some is most likely a means of avoiding other problems in the relationship.
She finds more comfort and understanding with her friends. He does not feel like just another "thing " that she has to deal with. He get more understanding from the friends. In time those outside interest take up more and more time. a couple of weeks may go by with each just saying hello good bye or just dealing with bills and taking care of the everyday stuff.
It can get to the point that we are more roommates then lovers and friends. He starts feeling like she only wants him to cover some of the cost of living and do chores and repairs around the house. She starts feeling like she is his maid and cook and that's it. Resentment is bound to build resentment ...
I've seen it happening. Of course, much depends on both individuals involved and the interest areas or interest overlaps.
Sometimes, she finds so much "comfort and understanding" with her friends, that the relationship with her SO is relegated to a lower-tier friendship, and eventually to an enemy status. Or, he starts stopping occasionally from his work to home in a sports bar, until it becomes a daily habit, and then it is only a question of time, until he picks up some younger model there. Unfortunately, it's a logical progression. | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 4:41:10 PM | One of my exbfs used to like to go on motorcycle tours with his buddies. I didn't begrudge him his guy time because I had many opportunities to go for rides with him. He was also understanding if I made plans to go out for dinner or a game of pool with my girlfriends.
I much prefer that sort of give and take to a relationship where one or the other party wants to spend every single free moment with their partner. Hving experienced both scenarios, I can honestly say that a little time apart can be a healthy thing.
Great thread by the way, Artz. | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 4:42:25 PM | | Artz, I think anything in life that would be in excess is not a good thing. Doesn't matter if it's working, eating, time on the computer, etc. I really don't care to watch sports, if I were in a relationship & he wants to go to a game, I'd suggest that he take one of his pals, and make it a night out. On the flip side of the coin, if I want to do lunch or a movie, or even a 3 day get-away with my gal pals, I'd certainly like to do it and would do it. If one is in a relationship, it doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip. | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 5:14:17 PM | Artz -
It seems YOU are the one being neglected. You have several choices. Some overt, come covert
Overt
TELL her you want to spend more time WITH her, then ASK her a two-parter.
"Do you want to spend more time with me too?" And if she says YES, follow up with WHEN? Her answer will then tell you if it's just words, or has meaning.
OR
Give her an ultimatum about the consequences if she DOESNT give you more time
Covert
Find something to do on the nights she is home and YOU be gone. make it ANYWHERE, library, buddies, drinking, pool, ANYTHING other than being home when she has come to expect you TO be home. When (or if) she starts to ask you where YOU are, just say.. "Well I've been home on Monday, wed, and sat, (list the nights she was OUT with her other friends)" This will cause her to NOT have you around to take for granted.
Go out on the nights she is out, but DO an activity she has been LONGING for. such as ballroom dancing lessons. Find a class that meets on her "girls night" and go take the class BY YOURSELF. Trust me, there will be a WEALTH of women glad to have another single man to dance with (single being NOT with a date) Dont do full-disclosure in the beginning. Let her find it like peeling an onion.
Or see a divorce attorney if you are married and figure out your legal options
It seems that HER activities are interfering with the way YOU want to be in this relationship. If she is FINE with the status quo, then a unilateral change might be in order. You can lead a horse to water, you just cant make her waterski. | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 5:49:49 PM | This is not about me. this is more along the line of whats your take on this how would someone deal with this marginal time allotted to the relationship. However my ex would get mad when i was spending a lot of time socializing and networking for my bussiness. I had to take ahard look at myself. She was feeling neglected.
towards the end of our marriage she was spending more and more time with her friends and a charity she was working for. Please her women's golf group. I was still networking after hours but not as much. In the time frame when I was feeling neglected I came close to having an affair with a women that was in the same business i was and handled some of my accounts.
So this is about one wa to loss something when doing other things and maybe how to get back and focus on what is really important
OK so maybe it is a little about me  | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 6:05:53 PM | I think this is another issue I don't quite get. When I met my late husband, he was injured and not able to work a regular job, while I was working two full time ones. I also did some volunteer stuff, partly as a result of one of my jobs, and was on a couple of boards of directors, and I was taking night classes off and on at the local college. He spent his days doing other things, but he was nearly always around when I got off my second job to make sure I got home okay. He would also sporadically check in with me during the day, but not every day. We had some interests in common and spent most weekends together, but not all. He had friends he did some things with, I had friends I did other things with. It was never a problem. In fact, the closest thing we had to a 'problem' was really kind of funny. It was some of the town busybodies who would call me at work to tell me he was driving around with some little chickie right next to him in his truck - the 'little chickie' was actually his dog, she rode next to him and went with him everywhere. But from the back, it did look like he had a black-haired lady with him, he had tinted windows. | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 7:26:44 PM | | I don't care what she does as long as we sleep together nights. It's hard for me to imagine any woman of good sense not wanting my company, but for my purposes the entire relationship can happen abed. She just needs to come to bed early enough so she doesn't fall asleep right away. Like, at about 4 in the afternoon. That would give us time. | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 10:15:57 PM |
Subscribing to the "When Harry Met Sally" philosophy, I don't think it's probable for men & women to be friends. One of them invariably either wants or has hopes for more. (Placing large lead weight on top of "can-o-worms").
I think that I'd agree with the above with the qualification that compatible people might have that issue.
I have a couple of close women friends. I'll freely admit that I or they started as potential dating interests. After we got to know each other better, either through dating or just generally being around, we figured out that we are not compatible for that type of relationship. We are still friends, probably because we understand each other and many/most of our respective motivations - we just don't share them; these or other factors preclude anything more serious than friendship. One of these women, I dated briefly. We could enjoy about a weekend together, then we'd start to wear on each other. Another, I have never dated. We're just too far apart in many significant ways, but do appreciate other aspects and the character of the other person. No, we are not FWBs either.
From the Harry Met Sally perspective, I had a discussion related to this with another woman I know. Her complaint was that many of her male friends wanted to date her. My response to that was roughly: let's see, you're attractive, intelligent, fun to be around, have your act together, etc. All of these positives that make you a friend are exactly the same things that people look for in a significant-other, so why is it surprising that they are interested in dating you? The only downside from their perspective is that you are not interested in dating them, and they think that that might have a chance of changing... | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 10:32:41 PM |
One of them invariably either wants or has hopes for more.
Something like that.
Let's take Paul McCartney as example. While with Linda, they spend every each day together and it worked just great. Second time around, even as he tried to pose with Heather and a cute white baby seal on a Newfoundland ice floe, it didn't help. Her agenda and interests were different from his. | |
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| Men and Women spending time with their exclusive Friends
Posted: 10/14/2009 11:22:30 PM | Oh come on!!!!!
When you are in love with someone you take the time to see them! Why? Beacuse, you want too! I realize that you have other "things to do" But, come on! How many times are u going to fall in love with a "buddy"?
L | |
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