| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:13:49 AM | I met a guy in August, we started out writing back forth, then phone calls and we could talk for hours every night - we just connected really well. Just before we met, he sent me the long e-mail..........he said he did not mention this before because he did not know how I would respond, well he found out.........the e-mail was to let me know abut his DWI and that the end of October he would be cleared..........why would a guy do something like that, waiting until the relationship was working so well then killing it in an instant..........why not just be upfront it may have worked for him in the beginning..........what a disappointment........from a guy's perspective, why would a man hide something so important as a DWI. He still writes occasionally, just to see how I am.................no need for me to respond, it is what it is - he was dishonest.
I know I have posted a few threads this week - I am on vacation (have to use it or I lose it) - I have been enterained and informed...... | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:19:25 AM | He was being upfront in the beginning. He didn't wait until the "relationship was working so well then killing it in an instant." You hadn't even met yet.
Emails and phone calls do not constitute a relationship. He was upfront with you before you were going to meet. If you were going to start a relationship, that's when it would have happened.
For what it's worth - I agree that that would be a dealbreaker. Not because he was being "dishonest" (he wasn't), but because nobody gets caught the first time they drive drunk. This would indicate a substance abuse problem. | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:25:26 AM | | There would be no reason to be that forward with someone you just met. It makes sense that you would hold something like that back until you got a little more serious. In truth, he must have sensed that you'd be the type to choose the moral high ground rather than just let him pay his debt to society and move on with his life... | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:31:04 AM | I agree wholeheartedly with halftimedad.
While I was not a part of any of the conversations, the way you describe it, I don't think he was dishonest at all. YOU made an assumption that he did not have a DWI. From where you got that assumption, I don't know. You can't blame your assumption on him and call him dishonest. If anything, he was quite honest and upfront by telling you before you met.
I also agree that it would be a dealbreaker for me. | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:31:50 AM | I actually don't see how he killed a relationship, there wasn't one. Neither had you met in person you hadn't decided after the meet and greet that you wanted to see if there was relationship potential there.
Second of all, I am at a bit of loss here, how was he dishonest. Did you ask him, if he had ever broke the law or was he had he ever been charged and convicted of a crime?.
Sorry, in my profession I have 3 deal breakers they are absolute. No felony charges, No substance abuse issues, No DV charges let alone convictions. I state that pretty upfront like in the first two or three emails or phone conversations. I have posted it and have had it on my profile. I believe that both people need to be upfront about what are deal breakers for us.
I mean you seem pretty forth right about what you are looking for right down to looks why don't you have it on your profile if you have been convicted of a DWI don't contact.
Bottom line the only way I think this guy could be convicted of being dishonest is if You had asked right out about his record
His timing might have been a bit off and yet he didn't know you from eve so what did he really owe you..
I don't disclose everything about my life, I don't have any little skelton's I don't think and yet if someone looked hard enough I am sure they could find a dealbreaker... | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:40:30 AM | I was in a wreck 2 years ago and was driving without insurance. I'm paying off the other person's damages for the next 6 years. This isn't something I feel the need to tell a girl I just started talking to.
If finding out that was a dealbreaker for you, you probably weren't all that interested in the first place. | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:43:35 AM | From now on just ask everyone to disclose everything about themselves before you meet.
What?
No relationship from what you describe existed.
I agree with SS
I mean you seem pretty forth right about what you are looking for right down to looks why don't you have it on your profile if you have been convicted of a DWI don't contact.
Anything you feel is an absolute deal breaker just put it out there and try not to sound angry about it. | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 10:53:54 AM | | drinking and driving is very serious.............he was on a dating site with a serious black mark against him - he had every opportunity to drop the bomb when we talked about drinking (I am not much of a drinker and his profile indicated "does not drink") - I have zero tolerance for people that choose to drive while intoxicated. I remove the word relationship.........and replace with "we had a great connection" | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:02:50 AM | ^^^^ nobody is telling you you're not entitled to consider this a dealbreaker. the issue is that you expected him to read your mind, know this was a dealbreaker and know what you considered appropriate timing to divulge. not terribly reasonable.
if you'd not let yourself become as attached as you did, it wouldn't sting like this. it'd just be one more attempt to connect that didn't work out. bottom line: no connection of substance exists before you meet someone. phone/text/email count for nothing. | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:04:09 AM | OP while I understand where you are coming from I dont' think there is anyone out here that has less tolerance for drinking and driving than I do. I lost my first husband that decided to get behind the wheel and drive, I lost a sister to someone that decided to stop their car in the middle of a white out in her lane, not only did she pass away that day she was 8 and 1/2 months pregnant, I lost my best friend when he decided drink and drive.
I think what I and others are trying to drive home and maybe we aren't being clear about it. in the getting to know you process we each have a responsibility to be absolutely clear on our deal breakers.
Yes, he maybe should have disclosed this during the conversation and yet he didn't owe it to you anymore than you did if the shoe was on the other foot. Did you think to ask him point blank why he felt the way he did. Usually it takes a personal experience to get zero tolerance for something.
IMO | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:18:08 AM | Just as there was not a relationship there was no dishonesty UNLESS you specifically asked him about prior criminal record. I also do not see how he was hiding it either as he voluntarily told you without you asking or that is how it seems to have happened.
You have every right to not be with someone who has had a DUI/DWI, nothing wrong with that all. To say he was dishonest or hiding something is unfair to the guy as he did none of those things. | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:23:46 AM | He told you before the meet.... That's being honest in my book...
Keeping the mail/chat/phone stage long was your mistake... investing that much time to a person you haven't even met. | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:25:28 AM | | So Sassy are you saying you have zero tolerance as you have a personal experience (losing your first husband because he decided to drink and drive (please note that it must be difficult for you writing in this thread and I am very sorry for your loss) - the personal experience I have is remembering being in a car with a boyfriend when I was 21, and yes, he was drunk, I was scared and we survived the trip home. I never saw him again. So you are right, I have zero tolerance because of a past experience. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:30:23 AM | | response to yar: you are correct, keeping the mail/chat/phone too long was MY mistake... investing too much time in a person I still haven't even met. It was my first on line experience and yes, I have learned from that experience. | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:34:14 AM | Op...the point of your thread was the guy being honest or dishonest....not the fact he got a DWI....
I would think that's kind of "personal info" for some one you have never met....
NOW.....here are your own exact words from a post on another thread, after this one...
.why on earth would a man confide something that personal to someone he just met............
Hmmmmm....... | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:37:24 AM | I would be willing to bet that all of you self-righteous people out there have skeletons in your closet that you would not dare to tell anyone.
I agree, all deal breakers should be on your profile
Also list all of your black marks and red flags on your profile as well. i.e you where banging every guy you met from the eigth grade on, abortions, drug habits, etc. or better yet the goofy pill that half are on.
I guess you can never pay your debt to society
WTF
Edit: Speaking of dishonest OP. Is that your real hair color, age, is the picture remotely current ? | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:38:54 AM | The fact that he told you something as private as his DUI before even meeting you is pretty up front and honest in my books, he had no obligation to tell you, past experiences on your part aside. That it's a deal breaker for you does not automatically obligate him to tell you, unless you specifically ask.
Personally though I find people that try and take the moral high ground on subjects like this are often some of the biggest hypocrites - I'm sure there's skeletons in your closet that you don't go around telling everyone.
<div class='quote'>he was on a dating site with a serious black mark against him
It might be a black mark for you, but not for me - I realize that people can make mistakes and I wouldn't hold a single DUI against a girl I was interested in.
Rainman12 - of course I have skeletons, but they would possibly kill another...........again, drinking and driving - very serious
Well you go and hold his mistake against him if you want, I'm sure you've never made a mistake that could possibly kill someone - speeding, cutting someone off, driving while talking on a cell phone, missing that stop sign.....you seem like the type of person that never makes a mistake.
But again you seem to be missing the point that it's not really up to you to decide what strangers who have never met you, and owe you nothing, decide to tell you before you meet, especially if you don't ask them. | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:40:45 AM | | You don't even know the details of the DWI, do you? They can range from anywhere from a 0.08 violation, a level at which many people aren't even impaired, all the way to serious drunkenness with accidents, bodily injury, fights with the police, etc. At any rate, since you hadn't even met him, and he did tell you about it before you met, there is no foul here. It's your decision whether or not to go ahead with the meet. But he didn't do anything wrong. | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:42:37 AM | | Rainman12 - of course I have skeletons, but they would possibly kill another...........again, drinking and driving - very serious | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:45:36 AM | OP....so you are saying you have NEVER been out to dinner with some friends or date, had a glass(s) of wine with a meal, and drove home?
Hell, I'll call you out... | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:49:49 AM | Got me, seems as tho people with DWI's and other previous arrests see to think they're like having Easter eggs, they hide them and if you find them ........  | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:53:40 AM | | derfo: did the content refer to that personal information possibly killing someone - please let me know thread and I will get back to you. | |
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| DWI - he was dishonest
Posted: 10/16/2009 11:54:54 AM | DWIs are very common, and easy to nab if you are the type who occasionally drinks during a meal or frequents a bar. You'd be surprised by how many people have them. Depending on where you live, it can be easy to overstep the legal limit with a minimal amount of drinks.
He was being honest and upfront with you. It was you who used the technicality as a reason to not let things develop further.
IMO, A DWI does not imply poor character nor does it disqualify a person from dating eligibility. Usually, it means the person was caught at the wrong place at the wrong time, and they must pay the price for it. It sounds like he was making good on his mistake, so why the second trial? | |
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