| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 6:25:23 AM | I went out a few times with a very nice women who i met on POF. In her profile she wrote that she was a "non smoker"..All well and good, right?!
Friday night we "crossed the path" into another phase of our relationship, we both had a fantastic time, until she lights up a cigarette and proceeds to smoke. At about midway through the cig, she looks and me,see`s my face and puts the cig out.She could tell i wasn`t too happy!
I`m not against smokers,but, in the same token, i don`t want to be near one either.
We didn`t discuss it any further but, i`m debating what to do next.
I lived with someone who smoked constantly. I hated it... I`m not ready to do it again...
How should i proceed with her now that she`s shown me she is a smoker? | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 6:30:26 AM | Well take out the fact about it being smoking...the root of it is the fact that she lied.
Said she wasn't a smoker but then clearly lit up a cigarette right in front of you.
To me, that would make me wonder what else they would lie about and how long would it take for you to find out about that lie? To me, that's a red flag and you have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you or not.
Good luck. | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 6:38:20 AM |
How should i proceed with her now that she`s shown me she is a smoker?....I`m not against smokers,but, in the same token, i don`t want to be near one either.
Based upon what you shared, you don't want to be near a smoker. If she lit up that once after your fantastic time, but she hasn't smoked in any other situation, does that qualify her as a smoker? If in your mind she is, then you have already answered your own question. Might be something to share with her and see what her thoughts are about it. | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 6:47:20 AM | Found this on the net, by Ask Doctor Paul, How do you date a smoker?
“Establish upfront how much this person is going to smoke and where this person is going to smoke. Ascertain if they're going to smoke in the car while you're in the car, if they're going to smoke outside of the house, how many cigarettes they smoke per day, what they smoke, do they smoke a pipe, cigar, cigarettes. Establish the ground rules first and get a commitment from that smoker that this is the maximum they will smoke. At this point in time, cigarettes are rather pricey. That being the case, the incidence of smoking has reduced. So if this person is doing three packs a day you probably don't want to go there especially if you're a non-smoker. If you have allergies, stay away from the smoker. But if you really want to be with this person whether it's a male or female, just establish some ground rules and that's how to date a smoker. And if that smoker really wants to date you it will not be an issue between you and that person. So whether that smoker is a male or female, you simply establish the ground rules, and everybody will be on the same page and be happy.”
I am an occasional smoker and state that on my profile. My guideline is to date only smokers as I am not interested in imposing upon anyone anymore that being imposed upon to quit. | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 6:48:55 AM | I've lost count of the number of people I've known who were looking to date online and lied about this. They cause themselves (and everyone else around them untold hassle) desperately chain smoking before a date and then spraying their homes with God only knows what -- just in case their date comes in or home with them that night.
It's an exercise in futility often preceded by a half-hearted attempt at quitting so that according to them, they can at least tell their dates they're actually in the middle of it.
It's nonsense IMO and you're better off dumping her because an addict will tell you anything you want to hear and smoking is nothing if not an addiction.
I smoke far too much for my own good. But at least I'm up front about it and tell all non-smokers that I'm simply not interested. | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 6:54:28 AM | A considerate smoker will compromise and be aware of their second hand smoke. It's workable providing both parties want it to work.
I have dated smokers who really made it possible, one in particular comes to mind.
Lying about smoking is almost as common as the smoking. That bothers me a whole lot more. The first guy I ever met from POF chain smoked his way through the whole evening and his profile STILL says no smoking. Liar. | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 6:54:39 AM | Icon,
Thanks for your response.
I guess the point is do i want to get deeper involved with someone who finds the need to smoke?She surprised me the other night, realized what she was doing and as i mentioned i wasn`t too pleased.
We spoke a few times on the phone and text,neither her or i have mentioned the cig incident.
She knows i`m into remaining fit and healthy, so smokers aren`t really in my horizon...
I don`t like the smell,and kissing someone who is a smoker just isn`t an option.
Yet, i do enjoy her company and she`s very nice... | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:23:10 AM |
We spoke a few times on the phone and text,neither her or i have mentioned the cig incident.
Why not?? Sorry, but I always puzzled by threads like this..
I mean can't you decide yourself? Few people here telling you that it's warning sign.
She obviously thought now she can stop pretending. I mean that "fantastic time", was sex right? So, she thinking, I got him, time to be realy myself.
OP, you keep saying how you don't like the smell, don't like kissing smokers, wants to remain fit, etc.
I can only imagine how good is she in bed. So, sir, you have a decision to make.
Maybe you can help her quit. But not mentioning it, like it never happened??
I know I wouldn't want to get deeper involved a smoker .But the smoker who said she isn't a smoker, than smokes a front of me?? I think that's worst. | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:24:45 AM | I met a guy who did the same thing. I wasn't sure on our date whether he had said he was a smoker or not. He also lied about his age. Once I got home I checked his profile and sure enough! He had lied.
I dropped him right away. Starting out that way is not a good sign. If you are not confident enough to be yourself, I don't want to date you.
Starfish stated that they write the social smoker on their profile. Why can't others do the same? To me, it's misleading some people who would otherwise not be interested.
I cannot have children. So, let's say I write "undecided/open" and then I meet a guy who wants children and tell him that I cannot on the first date? Not very fair is it?
I don't like being misled, so I try not to do it others. I'm principled that way. | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:25:29 AM | SCD, I'm in the same situation as you and I am also very much on the fence about continuing.
We haven't met online, he didn't lie, he didn't smell like smoke either. Still, he smokes, sometimes when in the car with him, and as we spend more time together, I spend more time in smoke and dislike it.
I am of the opinion, that you can't change people, only your own expectations. So I'm not going to talk my date out of smoking, but rather try to figure out if I can look past his smelly habit.
I think you would do well to evaluate the same for yourself.
:-)
Best of luck!! | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:25:51 AM | | Smoking is worse than a heroine addiction. If she smoked in front of you after lying about not smoking, she is doing it more frequently. I know that I could not be involved with a smoker. My fiance's room mate, and his gf smoke. They go outside, but man you can still smell it on them. I feel sorry for them not knowing people that have died for it to impact them before it is too late. Smoking is a total deal breaker for me, and once I know they lied about anything, I have no trust. Liars that lie about things like that can do about many more things. | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:31:13 AM | vanililly,
Like you am not sure i want to continue. I`m not looking to change anyone,nor will i force the issue by demanding that "She quit" smoking. Thats not my choice,its hers.
Zuglo,
I don`t quite understand why you believe i should want to change her. She`s a grownup and so am i..At this stage in life changing someone to conform to me isn`t really an option in a relationship is it?
It`s her business. Her profile indicated she wasn`t a smoker,which is why i`m not happy with this change in events.
We clicked and dating has been fun,which is why as i mentioned am on the fence and don`t quite know what to do..
It`s never easy to quit something that is an addiction...
aaam,
The fact is she misrepresented herself which now sucks for me..You`re right about the fact she maybe BS`ing me..That is a concern if we go further together... | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:31:15 AM | Find someone else. In my book smoking is a definate deal breaker. Also, as noted by others, she also lied about this in her profile.
For those who smoke, you may think you're "cool" or it shows a presence of importance, but it's a terrible habit that also killed a friend of mine (who I met at a high school reunion, who I never knew smoked) three years ago. He died in his mid 40s and his family was devestated. | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:34:51 AM | I've battled this demon all my adult life. I smoked for 30 years and then quit. It is still my weakness... I can lose weight, stop biting nails, don't drink, etc. - no problem, but when I get into a social situation around smokers, I want one. I've fallen off the wagon more than once. I usually only date non-smokers - I don't smoke around them and I'm not tempted. Health wise, I can do a couple miles without breaking a sweat, but I hate cigarette smoke and don't like to smell like a smoker. I also like my teeth and work hard to keep them white and I didn't gain 10lbs quitting for nothing. I wouldn't want to date a smoker either, but it's not necessarily indicative of overall immediate health or lifestyle goals per se.
IMO The nicotine addiction itself is no biggie - it's the psychological aspects, the hand to mouth, the reward that are hard to beat. If your gal is serious about not wanting to smoke around you, she'll need to examine why she smokes. We smoke for various reasons. If it is because of the nicotine - (she really is a regular smoker) then a patch or nicotine replacement should suffice. If it's the hand to mouth (pacifier) or social trigger then a stir stick or nicotine enhaler will do the trick. Some of it is conditioning with associated habits like that first cup of coffee, a drink, or chatting in social situations. Remember Pavlov's dog? She needs to re-wire her triggers.
Understand the addiction; it's not always just the immediate fix. Nicotine can be delivered in other ways that do not intrude on your space or taste. If you otherwise enjoy her company, she could wear a patch and still feed the need. You can't smell a patch. If the use or addiction to nicotine itself bothers you then she's not the one for you. She will always have that demon. Decide which it is and handle accordingly, but you need to sit down and candidly discuss your rights and her options. | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:52:25 AM | I admit it. I am a smoker and I know it's bad for me. I have a lot of stress in my life right now and actually I am smoking more than I used to. (Going thru a divorce)
When I look at someone's profile, I am also taking notice it they are a smoker or not. I would feel more comfortable knowing that they smoke then me lying about not smoking. | |
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| Smoker
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:56:12 AM | Candid, love your posts. :-)
SCD, you're exactly right.
You can't think for and decide for poeple. Even if it would be for their own good.
My father died of smoking related cancer at age of 44, I really don't like smoke around me. I wish I could say "can't you just stop smoking like I did?" and that the answer would be "ok" he'd stop, and all would be well in candyland.
Alas, it ain't so.
So sorry, SCD, even a great person sometimes has a no-no we can't just look past. It is quite sad really, especially when you beginning to like the person.
:-(
Again, I sincerely with you best of luck with this. And luck to me, too, in figuring this one out. :-) | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:57:18 AM | "I`m not against smokers,but, in the same token, i don`t want to be near one either."
Replace the word 'smokers' with any racial or religious group and you will see how that statement comes across. It's people like you who make smokers stand in the rain with city ordinances etc. What would you do differently if you WERE against smokers?
Now you can argue about the smell of it, but you went on a few dates until you noticed. That means it cannot be that bad. Could it be that she is trying really hard to kick the habit? Could it be that she knew you are a radical non-smoker and wouldn't date her unless she put non-smoker on her profile, knowing she'll quit eventually? You are not the only guy who has a strong opinion.
I am an ex smoker seeing a smoker. Not a biggie. I hope she dumps you so you don't have to suffer anymore... | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 8:15:01 AM | I used to be a smoker till I met my ex husband. He said he couldn't take the smell. He used to drink beer often, and I used to find the smell repulsive. We made a pact, no beer, no smoking. It wasn't easy but with support it was possible.
Talk to her see how she takes it. | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 8:33:42 AM | | I keep running into the same problem. Someone who is listed as a non smoker who ends up being a smoker. I always hear, "well I only smoke a couple a day Im not REALLY a smoker". I just laugh, you are either a smoker or a non smoker, no in between. I quit 6 years ago with no relapses and I have NO desire to be around someone who smokes. Not to mention, kissing a smoker is kinda gross for a non smoker, I hate that taste. | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 8:50:41 AM | I always hear, "well I only smoke a couple a day Im not REALLY a smoker". I just laugh, you are either a smoker or a non smoker, no in between.
I've found the same thing... I will not knowingly date a smoker - I quit for a reason and don't begrudge them theirs, but I don't want to be around it - I can't... the flesh is weak. I would, however, date someone who is in the process of quitting - we can encourage/prop each other up and pick up better habits, but I really hate active smokers who lie. I can't complain if they don't do it around me or I can't smell it.... Kudos to you for having the resolution to not relapse.
The ones that really bug me are the cigar smokers... I'd rather they smoke a dirty sock than a stinky stogie. | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 9:08:40 AM | What would bother me more than the smoking was the lying.
I cannot date a liar.
I don't care if you only smoke when you are in a bar, having a few drinks, whatever...if you smoke regardless of how often you smoke, you smoke. That is like saying you are a little bit pregnant, you are or you are not.
I will not date a smoker and if I find out later that they thought they could win me over with all of their other GREAT qualities and the smoking won't matter, their lie will. | |
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| Dating someone who`s a Cigarette Smoker and your not.
Posted: 10/18/2009 9:21:38 AM | Mate, don’t change her, just exchange her.
Many years ago I took an alleged not smoker out for dinner for a first date. When she lit up part the way through the meal I stood up, excused myself and paid for the part eaten food before leaving her to enjoy her cancer stick – and I had no compunction doing so.
Anyone who claimed to be a non-smoker then does that didn’t deserve any better. | |
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