| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 10:28:59 AM | I’ll begin by acknowledging that the ladies on this site are not going to like this. But this discussion isn't meant to be combative.
As I date, and have a conversation or three with her, about half the time I hear that the reason their marriage ended is because their husband cheated. And increasingly, when I hear that my mind says “this means the sex isn’t going to be any good.”
From talking to guys, I think the main reason that guys cheat is because either the frequency of sex has diminished or stopped altogether, or that the sex isn’t that good. I hear this time and time again. So I can’t help but think that the reason my date’s marriage ended, is because the sex isn’t any good. I have to admit that I’ve found this to be the case later. (No doubt this comment will be ammunition in the future of this thread.) This doesn’t make me overly enthusiastic about my future prospects.
Any guys want to comment? Tell me I’m full of it? Have a big enough set to agree with me? Any ladies that would like to gut me like a trout? | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 10:39:06 AM | Not going to gut you like a trout...lol.
I personally don't think the theory is true, at leat from the point that it takes two. Maybe he sucked in the bedroom and she became disinterested. Therefore...bad sex.
I have had partners that brought the best in me and ones that were total duds when it comes to sex. It's really about the two people getting it on vs. whatever happened in the past relationship. | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 10:39:38 AM |
Well, as a woman who has NEVER BEEN CHEATED ON, I wouldn't know Pay attention to this lady (other ladies). Yes OP I concur with your assessment. But of course there are many many other reasons for cheating/ending a relationship as well but suffice it to say if the sex is non existent, once in a blue moon or terrible breakup is already a forgone conclusion. | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 10:45:50 AM | Well, Pam is the exception of course.
But guys who cheat will cheat and then look for excuses. Trying to put the blame on the woman is just being a pvssy as well as a cheater. | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 10:47:17 AM | Well, I have not been cheated,by my late Americano husband ,I was very scared about divorce that is rampant here in the U.S. So before I came to the State to joined my late hubby ,I ask a girlfriend who is married to an American she told me to be a good cook and to be* a super cook *on the other way around...So in my suitcase is a big book of American cook book and Masters & Johnson ,Kamasutra books...
It comes out that this Americano likes Asian food,that is why he was marrying an Asian woman. Heheheh, what I learned from Masters&Johnson and the Kamasutra he WAS NOT complaining.......... God Bless His soul. | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 10:51:07 AM | Christ, how bad can the sex be?
I do not understand the mind of a cheater. Separate, get a divorce. There are options other than to bang some barfly. A bad relationship is not the result of bad sex it is the result of poor communication. If you are unhappy deal with it like an adult. Cheaters are wired differently than the rest, they are narcissists that put their own sexual needs ahead of responsible and moral choices. | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 10:56:10 AM | | And in talking to guys who cheated, did you bother to ask why the sex diminished/stopped/was bad? The guys didn't cheat because she wasn't there for great sex all the time; She wasn't there because the love and marriage had diminished/stopped/ was bad. Cheating is the result not the cause. If the sex isn't any good its because the relationship isn't good. | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 10:56:42 AM | | I do think there is something to this. I have girlfriends that virtully stop having sex if there are problems, and I've always thought this was accelerating the ending of the marrage. Me are sexual creatures. If the sex is bad (^^and yes, the sex can be that bad) they'll look elsewhere. | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 11:11:30 AM | "Men are sexual creatures" Now, there's a newsflash!!
What most people (men and women alike) fail to take into account is that the sexes are wired differently. As a rule, men are visually stimulated. Conversely, women are stimulated emotionally.
While there are many women that do not enjoy sex, did the man ever stop to think that he might be a selfish lover? From personal experience, my ex did cheat on me. Only much later was I dating a man who took the time, energy and emotion to tune in to my desires. I realized then that my ex was the worst sex that I had ever had, because he was selfish.
Here's a tip that we all might learn from:
Men - tune in to your woman - seduce her mind.
Ladies - tune out your mind - let your body do the talking. | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 11:44:21 AM | | Doesn't believe this theroy...Yes, its the reason for my divorce.......was the last to know anything was wrong.....Thinking this is just something they will say to try and justify cheating. | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 11:47:35 AM | | Great, now the cheated is not only not a victim (see other threads) but also a lousy lay? Perhaps you should stick to cheaters then and leave those women to me... Nice theory, but I don't buy it. Every case is different, but I don't even think it's true for the majority of cases. | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 11:54:45 AM | | Sex is a two way street...... so if your cheating because the sex is bad, you clearly should of man-ed up and made it better. | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 12:12:05 PM | Interesting theory Opie, but of course, it is penned from the male point of view. As such, it is incomplete, and one-sided.
In my longest relationship, he cheated on me. When? Well, in the time period after I had our 2 children and was unable to have intercourse, and was of course both mentally and physically exhausted. Was he there for me? Did he try to help out, to give me some "down time"? Nope.
Our sex life declined because our relationship declined. Period. I began to detest him, to resent him, and it got to the point that the thought of him touching me made me nauseous. I know he resented me, trust me, he was very vocal about it. But he never listened to what I had to say. He became increasingly emotionally and physically abusive, and yet he expected me to be "good to go" at a moments notice. Can't imagine why I wasn't.
Sorry darlin', but your theory doesn't wash. In some cases, sure, it could be valid. But across the board? Nope.
Nice try though. Oh, and if your theory has held to be true with the women you've been seeing/sleeping with, I suggest you look at the common denominator in all of those situations. That would be YOU .
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 12:32:53 PM | Here's a thought:
Woman cheat because their monogamous partner is not making them feel desired or desirable. They are no longer feeling protected.
Men cheat because their monogamous partner is not making them feel desired or desireable. They are no longer feeling nutured.
When ^^^ this occurs, bad sex follows.. for ^^ this to occur it is the fault of both people.. the cheater and the cheated on both then become casualities of a disfunctional partnership, unless they strive to correct the "un" parts in their relationship. Infidelity often is the result.
Some people are simply addicted to the limerence period and will never be monogamous.
Animals are not monogamous. If you believe in the bible Adam and Eve were not monogamous either. It would be impossible for two people to populate the world in such short order.
Why does the topic of cheating in the forums never get reported for being redundant? | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 12:40:13 PM | Why does the topic of cheating in the forums never get reported for being redundant?
Wishes Granted, what topic on this whole site itsn't redundant? | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 12:56:25 PM |
Did anyone say meow?
Oh look, another guy with an original response!!
Woman cheat because their monogamous partner is not making them feel desired or desirable. They are no longer feeling protected.
Men cheat because their monogamous partner is not making them feel desired or desireable. They are no longer feeling nutured.
When ^^^ this occurs, bad sex follows.. for ^^ this to occur it is the fault of both people.. the cheater and the cheated on both then become casualities of a disfunctional partnership, unless they strive to correct the "un" parts in their relationship. Infidelity often is the result.
Well put, and very valid points made.
Wishes Granted, what topic on this whole site itsn't redundant?
Agreed. Every topic has been done, but with new blood comes new perspectives, and it's always interesting, and often educational to experience the same situations thru a different set of eyes. | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 1:00:26 PM | Unless you are talking about physically I agree with you. But IMO you are taking huge leaps in logic and jumps in thinking.
Well, maybe not mentally, but as posted to the forum I think you are.
I know the majority of people don't cheat because the sex is bad physically.
I do know there are a ton of social and psychological issues that affect the relationship.
Therefore due to those the sex becomes or is bad, and all of that together ultimately causes someone to cheat.
i.e. lack of communication and conflict avoidance, leads to distancing and avoidance, leads to less sex, leads to more time away from home, leads to more time in situations that allow or foster communication with others and open conflict resolution, then situation and others used as surrogate for relationship, and bam, sex outside of the marriage.
I also think you are a little full of it simply because the person they were in a relationship with last time isn't you.
But if they didn't learn anything about themselves since the last relationship, or learned how to spot the same problem, or you are the same type of guy that she has always gone for, then ultimately it will just be a repeat of the last relationship. The sex is going to be bad because the same problems that led to bad sex are going to be repeated. IMO
So I agree with you in a sense depending on how you came to your conclusion and what you mean by sex being bad.
Such as "last guy(s) cheated = bad relationships = bad at relationships = lack of communication = lack of effort/desire in relationship = sex isn't any good = she didn't really want to be in it.
So if you just shortcut it to guy cheated = sex is no good, but just don't voice or think about the intervening conditions, then I am all in agreement. | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 1:12:43 PM | does this theroy work the same way with men who have been cheated on??
No, it doesn't really hold water for either gender. Bad sex, or lack of sex, as a reason to cheat is nothing more than a shallow and self-serving attempt at rationalization of their behavior.
I was cheated on by my ex-wife, and she tried to use this partially as an excuse. We had plenty of issues, and no, there wasn't much sexual contact between us at that point. The fact was, my sexual desire hadn't decreased at all, but my sexual attraction for her had. We were trying to work thru some of those issues, or so I thought, but in the midst of those discussions, she was stepping out too.
I've encountered women both before and after my marriage who had been in similar situations with cheating spouses. If anything, there were often MORE responsive, and grateful to have someone that was there for them and focused on the moment, not other options, and I've found that to be the rule rather than the exception.
So no, I don't agree with what I see as a faulty premise. Your cause and effect are mixed up here. Perhaps the reason the sex in some of those marriages wasn't that good is she realized on some level that she was with the type of guy who would cheat. | |
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 1:34:18 PM | All you're doing is perpetuating the mentality that some people adopt of blaming others for their own failings. And no, I wasn't cheated on - it's me who was an idiot and cheated.
And the thought that my (ex)husband should shoulder the blame or be shamed by having some fool question his sexual abilities is ludicrous.
I and I alone am to blame for what I did and I take full responsibility for my actions. I also take full responsibility for all the hurt and pain that my stupidity brought not only to him/our relationship but to our children and family.
Your "theory" fails miserably.
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| My ex-husband cheated = The sex was bad
Posted: 10/18/2009 1:43:43 PM | | Everybody who's saying bad (or no) sex can be a result of relationship problems are of course correct. But there are relationships which are generally ok with no real major problems but if one or the other has little to no sex drive for whatever reason(s) not relating to relationship problems, well then people will leave/cheat. No sex can be a symptom of a bad relationship or it can be the direct cause of dissatisfaction. It can be both symptom & cause IMO. | |
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