| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:43:11 PM | | So I met this boy back in my last year of high school. I was still coming out as a gay man, and I already had one boyfriend a year earlier with whom things did not work out with. I wasn't at all interested in this boy. I usually went for the tall, cute, blonde hair, blue-eyed boys, that dressed well. He was brown, had black hair, and brown eyes. TOTAL NERD! But it was hard for me to meet other boys, and we would meet up to experiment. Before I knew I was starting to bond to him and sure enough I fell pretty hard for him. After hanging out with him for about 3 months we started to date for about 18 months but he decided to end things. At that point I was completely in love with him. I was completely heart broken and would not accept it. I "chased" after him which led to many frustrating fights. After about 5 months of chasing him I gave up. Pretty much at the exact moment I started to see someone else(8 months after our break up) he tells me that that time made it clear to him that I was the one, that leaving me was a mistake and that he wanted to be with me. He's very appologetic and takes everything he said that ever hurt me, back. (And he said a lot of mean and nasty shit)Nobody compared blah blah blah. So we dated for another year and things were great. We have so much in common, and I loved spending time with him. He came out to his family, and introduced me to them as his bf. At that point I thought things were going really well, as it was always something he hesitated to do. He had a really strong bond with his family, and was definitely scared that his sexual orientation may taint their relationship. It didnt. So that really showed me that he was serious about us. Anyways, after a year of dating again he tells me he isnt happy. We split up, and again, im completely heart broken. I chase after him again for 6 months. This time the pain was unbearable. I had anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. I got meds to help me deal, and that helped and i'm OK now. So its been 6 months since I completeley cut off communication and tried really hard to move. It was really hard. I thought I was going to move in with this boy. And maybe start a family. He was the love of my life. But, he told me that he never loved me, and that I wasnt the one. So I tried to move on. I dated quite a bit. Found one hell of a sexy boy on POF! (THANK-YOU POF) but none of the relationships have lasted. No one has been as compatible as he and I were. Anyways after 6 months I get a text message from him out of the blue. He wants to leave me a voicemail. I check the voicemail and he's appologizing. Telling me that hes had time to think and that hes realized that he was wrong. Uggggh...Deja-vue? What the f***! Advice? | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 10/18/2009 7:45:52 PM | What can I tell you sweetness ??? Move on and forget the other bad man !!!
There are plenty more fish in the sea. And you have found one ... yay you.
*slumps in chair, wishing it were her* | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 10/18/2009 8:18:30 PM | He doesn't care about you. He is only invested in the feeling of power he has over you.
As soon as you move on, he pulls your strings again. When you gratify his ego, he gets bored.
I repeat, he doesn't care about you.
Sorry. | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 10/18/2009 8:30:45 PM | You are just a game to him. He may have cared for you once, but for whatever reason he has decided that you are not "the one". He is just going to keep doing it and doing it until you make it stop.
Get off the roller coaster and let him go.
I'm sorry... we've all probably been through this and it sucks.  | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 10/18/2009 9:34:22 PM | He's not treating you fairly, kindly or in a loving way.
Perhaps you become so much more attractive to him, when you are with someone else? Honestly how many times can he break your heart? If he was the 'one' for you, he just would not love and leave you.
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 10/18/2009 10:20:18 PM | Sometimes..you really (really) have to take a step back. Ask yourself if this relationship is healthy? Is it good for you? Is there reciprocity? Do the goods outweigh the bads? Are the negatives something you're both working through? Does this person take care with your feelings?
If that doesn't work...try inserting a loved one into it..if your good friend, son, brother, father..whatever..was the one in your shoes right now..what advice would you give him?
This is really tough..I'm struggling with it right now as well. But it's only tough cause you know what the answer is =) Good luck. | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 10/19/2009 12:21:33 AM | | The rules to men apply regardless of whether or not they're gay. A lot of men (not all, because I am nothing like this, yes, there's still a few decent ones of us left) will utilize their power over those they "love". If you're someone that's willing to give into this person, regardless of what they do, then chances are, the pattern will continue. Men want everything. It's very well possible that after you broke up, he went out and tried to find another person that's similar to yourself, meaning someone that he can more or less take advantage of, and when he didn't really find that person, he resorted back you. I feel that this time, it's the same story again. He's given himself time to go out and mess around with others, and maybe realized that others wouldn't put up with his crap like you may have. So, he turns back to you, hoping that you'll let him back in....sort of like a security blanket. Once he feels secure enough with himself agian, away he goes, leaving you to be broken hearted and waiting by the phone for his next apology. Your best bet is to just move on. Sure it may be hard, especially if you truly do love him, but you need to love yourself first. Don't be somebody else's doormat just for a little affection. The time will come when you find someone that's willing to treat you like you're going to treat him. | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 10/19/2009 12:27:08 AM | mmh
Sounds like you have a vampire situation here. The guy is feeding on your energies. Whenever he needs a "boost", someone to build him up he comes back to you and you build him right back to where he needs to be and he leaves you drained and hopeless, and just when you regenerate yourself and heal he is back for another blood-sucking session.
If you resist this time you will not only prevent another parasitic episode but you will come much stronger and it will help you in other areas of your life as well, you will build self respect and self trust. It will be hard but worth it.
Good luck. | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 11/7/2009 1:57:40 PM | He also said that he wants to be with me. But just not yet .... I'd like hear people's interpretation of that statement.
My interpretation: I wanna go **** some other boys first just to be completely sure. | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:10:29 PM | Simon.....does it really matter what he means? Do you like being treated this way? Do you somehow think it is ok for him to use you this way? Does this guy have some issues with emotional intimacy? Probably...alot of us do, it is not the rhealm of one gender.... Regardless of whatever issues he may have, they are his issues. If you could be his friend only I would strongly recommend you take that path....sounds like he needs a friend more than he needs a lover. If you cannot, you can choose to let him back in so he can destroy you again....that is a choice only you can make but make it with your eyes wide open to what it is inevitable.
When people act the way you describe, it is not something they "get over" unless they work hard on it themselves. What has he done to fix this issue? Saying I'm sorry is easy.....they are only words. I've always believed that if I am sorry, truly sorry, it is not enough to simply say the words....I have to stop doing what I did to that person. I don't think he is really sorry....if he was, he would not keep doing it over and over to you. | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:32:49 PM | "He also said that he wants to be with me. But just not yet .... I'd like hear people's interpretation of that statement.
My interpretation: I wanna go **** some other boys first just to be completely sure."
Nope. You're totally wrong. He wants to play around while you mop around waiting on him. He doesn't want you, he just doesn't want you to want anyone else. | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 11/7/2009 3:02:20 PM | | True. I completely agree with the responses i've rcvd above and re-read them weekly to remind myself of what's really happening. I love hearing your input and really appreciate your perspective. He just has this inexplicable control over me. This charm that is almost impossible to escape, but I know what's right for me. And i'm working on it. Thnx | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:02:31 PM | The inexplicable control he has over you, is your own desire to live the fantasy relationship. You will have to get that out of your head somehow before you can begin to have a chance to tell if he's worth dealing with.
All in all, given all your additional posts here, I'd say he's a total disaster for you. I don't know what to suggest to help you get a clear head, but if you ever get one, you'll look back and be stunned and amazed that you didn't leave him in the dust long ago.
Too many people poison their own lives, dreaming of the one who got away. Of all the stories I've heard people tell about such a one, I've NEVER heard one that was actually a worth while person. They were all just wishful thinking, like masks, pasted over photographs. That's what this guy is for you: you've pasted the guy you WISH he'd be, over the guy he really is. | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:13:40 PM | | My advice is sometimes you fall for someone and it's hard to imagine yourself with nobody but them, I am going through the same thing in way. I normally don't like telling people to leave or stay but tell them to follow their instincts, and since your instincts are saying deja vu, you already you what you have to do, your instincts won't fail you, like your "other" parts. | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 11/10/2009 4:16:27 PM | Aweeeeeeeeeeee pass me a tissue to wipe me teary big brown eyes...best story I have ever read on POF...is there a follow up to this coming in the near future? LOL
Oh my simon...maybe a hug will help eh...LOL | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 11/11/2009 6:18:59 AM |
He just has this inexplicable control over me.
A control you give to him...a control you don't want or you would take it back. I guess since he has all the control, you are absolved from any responsibility in the relationship between the two of you...maybe that is what stops you from taking it back. I do have to wonder if you really enjoy the victim role or feel you are ready to stop being a victim and grow as a person... | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 11/11/2009 6:26:01 AM | | The rollercoaster is the best ride in the park, but I wouldn't want to ride it all day, every day. | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 11/11/2009 6:44:18 AM | really does it matter what the forum posters on POF think? You are going to do what you are going to until you choose to do something else. The fellow you have chosen as the one, is abusive to you, and you apparently are not willing to walk away and heal.
Is this what you want for your romantic life?
If you think this is about love, then you are really a wounded puppy, this is about power, and your lover has it not you.
Love is about going over the hurdles of live together hand in hand, not about putting up hurdles and watch the other fall.
Abuse happens in all types of relationships, sadly you are involved in one.
Make some other choices, get some support, understand that you are playing a roll in this too, there is opportunity for growth, find it. | |
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| Roller Coasting Lover
Posted: 11/11/2009 8:59:43 AM | yes mosaic, it does matter what pof posters think, he asked us. you came up with some brilliant advice and here's my thoughts:
sorry love but your boy is very very manipulative. people that haven't learned how to love yet can be amazing with their BS manipulations. its down right scary. it's not you. he's just worked your emotions so hard you don't know whats real and what isn't real with him anymore.
i think a month or two with a good therapist will help you soooo much. we don't live in a vacuum and there are times to ask for help. you need that extra boost so you can see whats really going on and play it as you choose, not how he manipulates it.
good luck! | |
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