| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 8:59:25 PM | Finally a thread that others will have no way to argue about any replies.
There is no way to bring in gender, finances, sex, no sex ,morals and who is wrong for believing what ever they believe in.
The only question is will anyone have the HUMILITY to actually reply?
We shall see...
One is not truly mature untill they stop being their own attorney and start being their own judge.
So feck the whole victim bullshet and what "they" did. Your here they're not. So what was your part in your past relationships demise? As many of us have learned with profiles and then meeting the person who wrote it, self appraisal's a b1tch!
I'd like to see if any of the righteous judgemental types would like to get all righteous and judgemental about themselves! | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:04:00 PM | I worked harder and harder for my marks in order to get into my grad program of choice. This became priority over my ex. I don't regret that. I do feel bad about not being as efficient a studier as I am today. Looking back, I *did* have more time for him. I just didn't know it.
I also put too much energy into relationships that shouldn't have meant that much to me (friends I hadn't known for very long, etc.). This, again, took away from what I could have invested into my family, my best friends, and my boyfriend.
These changes only came up about a year and a half into our relationship. Before then, we were pretty smooth sailing with the odd disagreement here and there. And those disagreements were always worked out well.
The rest of the reasons why we broke up were of nobody's fault (except for the fact that he *could* have been more understanding and supportive of my career of choice); We were headed in two different directions, and try as we did, it was best for us both to end things. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:04:48 PM |
One is not truly mature untill they stop being their own attorney and start being their own judge.
Yeah but even judges don't always get it right...but i hear what you're saying!. I simply despise victim mentality, they're growth stumpers..And I’m pretty short so I simply can't go there... | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:17:14 PM | | My problem was the same as most men in their 20s: Chasing and getting **** I shouldn't have been chasing at all. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:32:07 PM |
I took too much for granted..............................
I have become complacent a few to many times.
For awhile I had a problem with @ssholeitus and rather then acting like an adult I would just cop an attitude. Feck who wants to be in a relationship if you have to walk on egg shells?
Had the "it's all about me" trip too. Everything was done on purpose to offend me. (like anyone is that fecking important) Validate me validate me.. 
I decided to get involved with the guys
I've got a few of those too(with women though), but I can usually look back and see just what it was I thought I could get out of it though.. Motives... My fecked up motives! | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:35:42 PM | | She asked me what I was thinking and I answered her. Actually she said I was distant which I was and I told her why. It was a valid issue and she couldn't handle it but I did offer to help her which was taken as a insult. That is what I did wrong, bad guy again. | |
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1jamez
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Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 10 | |
| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:37:49 PM | 1 cup raisins
1/2 cup butter or margarine
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup corn syrup
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 eggs, lightly beaten
18 unbaked tart shells
Preheat oven to 450ºF.
In heavy saucepan, combine the raisins, butter, sugar, syrup and salt. Heat on a warm stove at low heat until butter is melted and the mixture is warm. Remove from heat and add vanilla and eggs. Spoon fill tart tins 2/3 full.
Do not fill the tart shells to the top with the filling or they will spill over while baking. 2/3 full should be fine.
Bake for 10 minutes. Reduce heat to 350ºF and bake for 5 minutes or longer until pastry is golden. Do not let the pastry filling bubble. Let butter tarts cool completely before removing from the tart tin. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:40:13 PM | | I trusted but I didn't verify. Had I done that, I could have walked away months sooner. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:49:46 PM |
So what was your part in your past relationships demise?
I did pretty much what every woman has ever complained about on the forums. Except cheat. And then I laughed about it. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 9:59:28 PM | A big one for me earlier in my life, after I boil away most of the petty shyt, was that I just didn't know what I wanted out of life. It was hard for me to commit to an indeterminate future with someone, and all the responsibilities that would almost inevitably grow out of it, when I just didn't know such a thing about myself.
Pretty basic. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:00:43 PM | Everyone's jumping on this bandwagon!
Okay, bearing in mind that it takes two to tango... and this was well over 30 years ago...
My marriage of 17 years was frought with tension. I married young to get out of the house, and had some pretty wild unrealistic expectations of what marriage meant. Was very much in love with my husband, as any young child bride could be. Thought the sun shone out of his hiney.
I'm a perfectionist, people pleaser and am considered a slight OCD. I had some high standards to hold myself accountable to back then. I had unresolved issues with my family of origin and needed therapy, but didn't get that concept for many years. I hid my stuff, and tried to be the perfect wife and mother and wore masks. My closet was full, and the door was coming off the hinges.
First couple years were great. Then the kids started to arrive. I felt as though I was anticipating everything, waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak...I spent WAY too much money trying to fill the void inside. I felt inferior, sad and very lonely in that marriage. My nerves were shot. I was diagnosed with Panic Disorder shortly after our second child was born as a result of some tragic experiences that happened during that marriage that thankfully lead me getting professional help that has without a doubt; assisted me in my self discovery toward a much healthier me today.
I learned how not to be in that marriage; which is a valuable lesson is retrospect.
I am okay, I'm strong, I learned to live in and treasure all the moments; past, present and not so much the future... I don't worry about things I can't control which is damn near everything.
I like myself and it took me a long time to be able to say that and mean it. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:08:49 PM | The first relationship I was immature, foolish, and not honest about my feelings. I thought being with someone, not necessarily in love, just having someone, was so important back then. Even when there were obvious red flags, I ignored them. Then I thought having kids would help make it better, bring us closer, but it didn't. After years and years of being miserable, I began to make everyone around me miserable too. I just never seemed to muster up the courage to leave. I feared the change, the hurt, and the years dragged on. Eventually I wised up and did what had to be done.
The second time around, utter stupidity. I got involved with someone with an obvious drinking problem, but of course I thought I could turn all that around and make it work. It doesn't work that way though. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:09:50 PM |
I trusted but I didn't verify. Had I done that, I could have walked away months sooner.
Sorry, I neglected to quote the reference post.....
Ditto here... but in my case, it would've been more like YEARS sooner... | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:12:22 PM | Those that follow my posts like a cult or religion (and there's more than I was aware of hehe) will know that I often speak of my ex fiance. Her and I were together for 6 years. That is really the ONLY relationship of any major significance to me, and the benchmark for all before and after.
So...
Asking what MY part was in the demise of that relationship is easy. Pride. That's what killed it dead.
See, her and I had been together for 4 years and already had an "official" breakup by the time I proposed to her. She accepted and shortly thereafter while laying in bed she says to me outta the blue "We should move in together". Ok, a shock but okay. We discussed it at length before but nothing serious. This time there was such a seriousness about it. We yapped for a while and she brought up one possible deal-breaker.
She mentioned how little I like to clean, and how she prefers the spic-n-span life. She had me there - I clean how I feel comfortable. However, I knew this would be an issue so I assured her that I knew of her preference and this would never be a factor. And truthfully, for the first year we lived together it really wasn't.
But then I had a medical issue hit me. Took a few months off work and was on some meds. All of it combined started f*cking with my better senses and I became agitated at my situation, the constant badgering and a host of other rather inconsequential issues that all seemed to snowball. Add to that my diminished desire and incapability to properly "perform" on command...and it all went to Hell in a handbasket.
We broke up again...though that only lasted a night. We had "the talk" and things were aired about cleaning (no sexual stuff was mentioned really). Agreements were made and we carried on.
And that lasted just a couple more months. Then things went back to the way they were. This, unbeknownst to her, was due to changes I had made in my meds and schedule trying to get back some part of either A) my sanity or B) my manhood. Then the ribs started appearing. Sexual backtalk and little digs. I perceived them as insulting me and mocking me. Egging me on. Provoking me. You get the idea. And more chatter about what I was and wasn't doing to clean around the house. Now things got complicated because we had also received an eviction notice from the new landlords and in the meantime were looking for our own place that her Dad (and my to-be Step Dad one day) was gonna front the downpayment for.
Still with me?
So now we have a mini breakup, followed by a choice to alter my meds and such, followed by perceived sexual digs, followed by barbs about cleaning, and culminating with the premise that I was just gonna be "J - the guy that helps HER pay HER mortgage/cabana boy/yard man" once we moved to *ahem* our own place.
So I lost my shit. Didn't care anymore. I was tired of it. She walked into the computer room one day and told me that she was moving out on her own and not to bother looking for anymore places.
And so I shut off the computer and said "Ok" and walked to the livingroom. Called my brother, and told him her and I had split up. She was leaving me. Her Dad's Lawyer called right after and we were supposed to be out there that weekend, so I regaled her with the news that we won't be there 'cause her and I had split up. She was leaving me.
And she did - immediately she went to her room...went on a crying jag...and then went to her Mom's. She was there overnight.
And it all went worse from there.
There's way more to the story, but the pride that I spoke of came with the mini breakup. The pride that killed it was in keeping a word I made during that exchange. I told her if she did the "do this or else I'm leaving you" crap one more time, I wouldn't be trying to keep her...nope, next time I'd help her pack. I don't take well to threats and she knew that this was the ONE threat that could be held over me perpetually. So...if she used it again, expect me to help her leave.
So threatened...so I watched her go.
Kept my word.
Pride.
And truth be told, 2 months later (we were still sharing the same roof while now trying to each find our own places) we had an email exchange that led to soggy faces and lots of Kleenex...and a door left open. A door which I closed telling her that she made the right choice for her. She wanted out, and second guessing herself (which she was doing) ain't gonna make it easier. The exchange outed a lot of misconceptions we had carried for one another leading up to the last breakup...so this brought on the second guesses. I wanted her back - I did more than anything...but I knew that we'd be down this road again in a short time. Something else would be misconstrued and we'd be at it again. This is where pride came in a second time.
I told her that her happiness was paramount to me. I only ever wanted her to be happy. I figured that if this meant her being happy with someone else, then so be it. I had to keep that first promise I ever made to her.
Pride.
I had a direct hand in the demise. I'll never deny that. I just wish some days that pride wasn't it. Reminding her that I never lied, cheated, stole, or beat on her was devastating...she said to me that she wished I had 'cause then this would be so much easier to swallow for her. She said she knew damn well what she was walking away from and now that pissed her off.
But I let her go. Watched her leave.
Yea I had a hand in it. There's no innocent party in breakups. Two people make one work - two people see it fail.
Good lesson learned though...I know now that in the future I can't let my pride cloud my judgement. Sometimes it's better to swallow the pride than taste it on your lips. One can be "right" and still be quiet about it...
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:13:46 PM | I destroyed one of only two women that I have aver truly completely loved in my life with my alcoholism.
I was so fecked up that even if she came to me tomorrow and said that she forgave me and wanted to get back together I would have to say no! It's one thing to live with it in my heart and mind but I could never be able to look her in the eyes every morning and every night with out feeling the pain that I have knowing what I put her through.
Even after being sober for a few 24 hours, I just couldn't imagine it!
Thanks BDJ. That was a huge load man. And just the type of humility I was talking about. Ride on! | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:34:44 PM | | I have destroyed more than one relationship by becoming emotionally distant. Don't know why I do this, but I do, and I finally realize that I do. It ultimately will shift into becoming awkward and distant in everything, including touching, kissing, hugging, showing affection. I have a man in my life right now who just grabs me and is all over me with affection, in public or not, and I have no problem reciprocating because as long as he keeps it alive I have never pulled away, so it's kept the relationship very exciting and passionate, for a very long time. I've come to the conclusion that for me, that is the only kind of man I would have a successful relationship with. I'm sure somebody somewhere will think I need therapy, Lord knows, I probably do. However, in the meantime, at least I am aware of it and it's not a current problem so I don't see the need in trying to deal with it now. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:36:13 PM | "My part in it"? My face kept getting in the way of his fist. 
message too short.... random words to fill some space requirement. silly POF.message still too short. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:40:32 PM | Well it's redundant, I've answered this question here before.
What was my part, I was abused as a child, alcoholic parent the other parent a queen of denial, I was sexual abused, emotionally stunted, psycho, lost, totally not someone to marry or have kids with. Then I finally got tired of being an idiot and whining and wondering WHY????? and got a few years of hard core mental help.
I may not be to every one's liking but I am no longer broken nor placing blame. As bad as my husbands/ex-boyfriends were, I was worse. LOL I get my opinions from years of education, therapy and hard-earned experience. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:42:03 PM | I let myself go. I stopped being interesting, by letting my world become the walls of our home and our child. I forgot that to engage my husband I actually needed to have something engaging to say.
I allowed myself to put on weight, and did not put an effort into loosing that weight. I stopped dressing for myself and for my husband and started doing the sweatpants and runner thing.
Then when my husband got disenchanted and bored, I blamed him. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 10:42:54 PM | I would say that in the first couple of relationships I had, my pride was also a factor, if not THE factor. Although, maybe it wasn't pride so much as not taking the chances? I didn't say things that I should have? I didn't ask for things I needed because I didn't want to look weak, then got mad because I wasn't getting what I needed?
Oddly, though, now that I'm older and have decided I'm not holding back any more? My relationships are actually shorter. I'll say "This is what I need" and he invariably will say "Find it somewhere else" (usually nicer than that). | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 11:07:25 PM | hmmm...I guess my part was I split up with him =) I just thought it was the best thing for him..for both of us...we were together for a reason and he especially (imho) needed us to part ways. Just life.
Now for the issues we worked through..I don't know if I really want to air them here (yeah , I know ..copout) but suffice it to say that I do believe there were a few things that each of brought to the table that would have been best shoved down the garbage disposal =) We worked through it during our 5 years. And I think we helped each other out quite a lot. One issue..he was a gd saint and helped me work through something that was HUGE and I will be forever grateful. My temper. It was pretty damn bad. There..that's all yer gettin ;-) And I'm not going to talk bad about him, no need.
Interesting question and perspective, Rock. | |
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| And what was your part in it?
Posted: 10/19/2009 11:16:23 PM |
So what was your part in your past relationships demise?
I used some Jedi mind tricks to get her into bed and realized too late that there was absolutely no sexual chemistry between us. | |
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