sjxx
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Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 1 | |
| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 1:59:38 PM | Did a search and found something but was in relationship forum and I wanted to know what the Brits thought. So sorry if this has been done before 
A very good friend of mine has recently gone back to his wife after being seperated for most of this year. His reason for going back was for his kids happiness. His wife told him they were unhappy without him there. They are 10 and 6. I know this marriage had been problematic for a good while before the split.
While they were apart he met someone new and was very happy with her but has now had to end that relationship in order to attempt to salvage his marriage. I have told him over and over that he I think he has made a mistake and that he cannot repair a broken marriage just for the sake of the kids especially when his mind and heart are elsewhere.
Are he and his wife in danger of hurting their children more in the long run or do you think they truly are happier having mum and dad together regardless?
His wife has also made threats to leave the country if he didnt go back and I think he feels his hands are tied even though I am sure she cant just up and leave. He is a good man and I know he wants to be able to look in the mirror and know he did everything he could to make it work but is this a huge folly?
Thanks Guys  | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:06:48 PM | I guess it's a tricky one... and one of those things that can only be examined for good or bad years down the line, and with the benefit of hindsight.
I would say thaqt if a couple make a decision to stay together for the kids... and not to work on the relationship then that is one thing... if the parents are mature enough then it could, conceivable work out ok...
But your friend whose spouse is blackmailing him into staying? That kind of rings alarm bells to me... and I see storm clouds ahead. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:08:53 PM | | This is very sad. Of course his children are not going to be happy without their dad living in the same house as them did he expect otherwise when he first left? He had already made the break and lived apart for a whole year before decideing they were unhappy? Personaly it seems cruel to return and build their hopes that everything is fine and rosy when it so obviously isint. Children are so very accepting these days when told and explained to about situations and as long as they are reassured that it isnt them he has stopped loving and left they do addapt. I do not think anyone should saccrifice their own happiness for the sake of a "hope" that it keeps others happy even your children. But I dont pretend to know the answer, once the break was made he should have stuck to his guns. By returning it will only lead to more heartache for everyone concerned. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:10:28 PM | staying for the kids .........no no no no no!
It's a HUGE mistake to make in my opinion.........children are far better off growing up with two happy parents who live apart ...rather in an atmosphere of strain and resentment. I love my kids but there is no way I would have stayed with my ex - it would have been an horrendous situation for all concerned.
Also, kids grow up, leave home and then what...? You realise you've wasted all those years being with someone you don't love and in many cases don't even like.
However, I have to say that in experience, women tend to be emotionally stronger ...men seem to have huge problems in making the break, unless they have their next relationship lined up. So many men over the years have told me that they are miserable in their marriages and would leave if they met someone else....when the kids have grown....when the dog is dead.....etc etc etc ...one excuse after the other because deep down they don't have the courage to go it alone. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:13:03 PM | bad idea.
I have been divorced for 4 years and my son is now 11 but when he was 3 i left my husband and due to finances etc, we had to stay in the same flat.
i had to live with him going on constant dates and we ignored each other, with him living on the couch. then he started all the emotional crap about how he wanted to be a family and we were damaging our son not being together blah blah blah.
i got back with him believing it was better for our son, it lasted another 3 or 4 horrible, utterly horrible years.
when i eventually left for good, my son was 7 and it damaged him terribly. he slept in my bed every night for a year and had counselling at 10 to try and come to terms with his anger towards his dad.
I would rather be on my own, and happy with my son than live with someone like that ever again purely for "the sake of the kids."
Major bad idea | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:55:41 PM | No is the simple answer
He left his wife, not his children and this woman is using them to get him back. I broke up with my ex and also decided to give it one more try and it was a huge mistake. The reasons we broke up were still there and although the first few months were ok after a while it just ended up back where we started and if anything it was worse. I had a lot of resentment that I'd wasted more time on a relationship that was going nowhere and confusing the hell out of our kids in the process.
I know a lot of people who have split up (as we all probably do) and about half of them make a second attempt 'for the sake of the children'. I don't know one couple who managed to work it out.
As for her threats to remove the children from the country, that is just downright low. I would be recommending he take some legal advice for when this second attempt goes tits up and she decides to go.
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 2:56:38 PM | Noooooooooooooooooo. Nope nope nope. Oh and did I forget to say No?
Not a good idea. I know this from experience. Noone can stay for the kids indefinitely without it ultimately negatively affecting the children because if we're not true to ourselves them how can we ever be true to anyone else. We can't live a lie without it showing one way or another, through depression etc. Nope he's made a mistake and it's not good for the kids to have a 2nd separation to deal with. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 3:14:11 PM | I'm probably not going to be popular for saying this as it seems to fly in the face of what everyone else has said, but I think every situation is unique and depends on the people. It can work in some circumstances and in other's it doesn't. Who are we to say whether he's doing the right thing or not.
He's an adult and he's making his own choices in life. Only he has all the information about the situation and based on that he has made his decision. It may not be seen to be right by others in his life who possibly feel hurt or rejected by it or by him not taking their well intentioned advice, but at the end of the day...he has chosen his wife and children.
Perhaps its better to just support him in the decision he has made, not judge, and be there for him whichever way it goes in the future? | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 3:14:23 PM | | If there were problems that split the marriage the first time then those problems are still gonna be there.If they are fixable and both sides are prepared to work on that then fine but if not then it,s just going to be more heartbreaking for the kids the 2nd time it falls apart again.There is nothing worse than growing up in an environment of arguments and bad atmospheres.I know the damage it did to me growing up and emotional blackmail is definately not a good reason to go back. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 3:29:46 PM | Going back for the kids in my opinion is the wrong thing to do. Worrying thing you mentioned is a threat that if he didn’t get back with her she’d leave with the kids. I agree the relationship is doomed. You can’t force someone to love you. If they addressed the issues between themselves and were able to identify why they fell out of love with each other then it may have had a chance, but not if threats are involved.
I know right now that if my wife (and yes she still is for the moment) asked me to get back together for the sake of our son then it would be a non starter. With everything that has gone on in his life over the past year I wouldn’t even think about confusing him even further than he is already. I have a relationship with her that is healthy for his sake. Getting back together at any time for me would be a non-starter because of the issues that would need resloved.
So I think your friend is a fool to himself and should have called her bluff and also should be discussing the issues that his children are having with them and helping them come to terms with the situation. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 3:53:49 PM | If he really did not want to go back, then he would not.....
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 5:01:57 PM |
Noooooooooooooooooo. Nope nope nope. Oh and did I forget to say No?
Not a good idea. I know this from experience. Noone can stay for the kids indefinitely without it ultimately negatively affecting the children because if we're not true to ourselves them how can we ever be true to anyone else.
Spot on, and exactly what happened in my situation - we got back together for the sake of the kids , didnt work , they pick up on the jibes, the unhappiness, the lack of love and emotion, etc - kids are like sponges , they are not stupid !
Tell him not to do it ! | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 5:12:32 PM |
If he really did not want to go back, then he would not....
i beg to differ..some people go back for different reasons..i went back to my ex tart cos she baked good pies..hollands pies are the best pies in the north of england..very hard to replicate..but she done it ..knickers down..she could of made a fortune..but fecked up..dont get high on your own supply..but she did..now shes 22 stone..its all fecked up..
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 5:26:39 PM |
i beg to differ..some people go back for different reasons..
So there is a reason that they decide to go back, for some there is no reason on earth that would make them even consider it, be it kids, or pies no matter how great they are ..
dont get high on your own supply..but she did..now shes 22 stone..its all fecked up..
Now that made me smile | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 9:46:42 PM | It seems very common to me that women who are sperated from their partners will continue to bring up their children alone and not enter another relationship as the children comes first till they they are older.
I have often thought that if a relationship breaks down the most important thing is the children and their happiness and not any new relationship. Ultimately they should do whatever is ever best for the kids and then themselves and if that means giving it another go then so be it.
It should start again though, from a dating perspective and shouldn't move straight back in and take time to make it work. The past is the past and they need to look to the future if they can't do that then they should be honest and share custody of the kids. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 11:05:35 PM | No definitely not.
If they wish to attempt to repair their relationship, they should build from where they are, not move in together again and risk screwing up the kids even more.
If their relationship is less important than the 'front' they give the kids then just don't go there. It sends out all the wrong messages to the kids, everyone is living in a stressful situation and it gives the wrong message as to how relationships work.
The best thing to do is probably to move on and be happy. If the kids are unhappy about it, then explain the situation to them and make sure the absent partner spends time with them. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 11:15:24 PM | | why !!!!!!! do people think that all kids from, split up mums and dads are screwed up.................................. I just dont get that at all !!!!!!!!!i have a son 22 and a girl 18 not screwed up at all........ I walked away with 2 suitcases and 2 kids i ve never looked back, and i d never would of taken the x back kids or no kids. | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 11:31:06 PM | Oh poor saint, what a misery of life he is going to have.
Maybe he should have instead taken the kids half of the week? Would he be able in this case to provide for them ?Maybe be able to have a babysitter and a cleaner so the kids are also safe and he same time can spend some quality time with the love of his life (who makes him happy)? | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 11:32:19 PM | You may never know the extent of the marriage problems OP so its hard to comment on how likely it is for the marriage to succeed.
I would hazard a guess at not very ~ but stranger things have happened.
Of course children would enjoy having both parents home with them, but this sounds much more to do with the wifes wants & needs than it does with the children, it sounds very much like she is trotting out every old threat in the book and your friend has become fearfull and caved, i wouldnt like to spend Christmas in their household  | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 11:32:52 PM | | I think kids will eventually pick up on the fact that they aren't happy which will be more damaging as it will teach them thats its ok to stay in a raltionship where there is no love. Also kids come first in anyones life but what will he do when they are grown and he is on his own and this other nice lady he met has married or not single? chances will be missed. He has to balance being there for his kids and finding his own happiness for the sake of his own sanity. I split up with my ex and we didnt get on for the first few years but its got alot better. She made idol threats too about the kids but alot of women turn into nasty b!tches and use the kids as weapons :) he just needs to fight her in the courts which will be horrible but its saves him from being manipulated further. I'd say he needs to move back out, make it clear to his wife its over, get himself settled, tell the other lady he made a mistake. Easier said then done i know.... | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 11:42:01 PM | ^^^^^^^
Oh this statement boiled my blood !
Why the hell anyone here thinks the kids are only his ex wife's responsibility?
He is loosing chances? What about the wife? Is she loosing the chances?
If he wants to be with his kids there are always ways, like shared custody, anyone heard of this?
But providing A SECOND HOME for kids is not an easy task, only some are ABLE to provide this..
Others would rather screw around and cry 'poor me'! | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/20/2009 11:54:52 PM | I appreciate alot of the time going back is not a good thing, an ex is an ex for a reason so they say, but it's a sad sight to see that the majority of posters here are assuming its not going to work and they are going to be unhappy. Everything the OP said about this guy and his marriage/family is heresay. Plenty of people say things to please other people, maybe his description of what's been said has been exaggerated to get him sympathy? maybe the love of his life has been told that because it suited his needs at the time but doesn't now? why is the ex the only villain here? All she is doing is trying to make the best life for her children, and now it looks like he is also trying to do the same, good on him.
I agree with Posh, if he did not want to go back, he wouldn't. Believe it or not, men do have brains (hard to believe sometimes I know..lol) and do make their own choices in life.
I think it would be nice to give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he knows what he's doing and will make the best of it. | |
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sjxx
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Joined: 8/27/2009
Msg: 23 | |
| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:00:11 AM | | Thanks for all your responses. I am of course the woman he left to go back. There was no threat of her returning to Holland at any point during their separation until she found out he had met someone else. I definitely think she is using the kids to manipulate him but ultimately I have no right to comment. His marriage his life. I know it wont work and if it does it will be because he has given in. I hope everyday that he will move back out and I can have him back again. I know thats selfish and evil but I loves him | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:28:38 AM | sjxx emontional blackmail never works , Childern or not , He's gotta be big enough to stand up to her. Plus she can't just take the childern out of the country to live with out his consent ........they are married ...........massive difference.
You can take childern out of the country for a certain amount of time ( holidays) with out the fathers consent but you need to have consent if your leaving the country for good.
May i suggest that if he really does not want to go back then he seeks some legal help , If she's black mailing him now she always will if he allows her to.
Good luck .
Chin up :) | |
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| Staying for the kids.
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:50:10 AM | Are he and his wife in danger of hurting their children more in the long run or do you think they truly are happier having mum and dad together regardless?
Through past experience I know that by doing things that I am not happy doing brings about resentment in me which in turn affects those around me and causes more unhappiness.
Imo We cannot live our lives for other people or let 'emotional terrorists' control our concience.
It takes a better man to leave an unhappy situation like this even if it involves those he loves dearly to give himself , his wife and his kids a chance of future happiness after all we all eventually heal and move on and meet other people who enter our lives who may give us that happiness!!
Temporary hurt V's Long term hurt ?? | |
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