| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/20/2009 6:33:41 PM | Since I do write poetry, I figured I'd incorporate that approach in my profile writing. Think it might work?
The main thing that I wanted to get across was just my general approach to life: the fact that I take things as they come, much like a leaf that drifts on a stream. That, and I believe in being true to myself and my potential before anything else.
Tell me what you think. I did save my other profile on my computer in case this one just absolutely does not work. | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/20/2009 6:39:01 PM | I really hate seeing poetry in these things - you're not the first to try it.
But, against my better judgement, I like this one. Try it for a while and see what the reaction is. Most women (and men) will just glaze over though.
And get a shot where we can see what you look like. Side profiles don't count. | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/20/2009 6:48:43 PM | Hello.
Okay....it says you're on here for over 3 years. Has the poetry thing worked?
I'd have to say NO.
We don't want poetry. If we wanted that, we'd read a book, find a web site and such.
What does it tell a woman about YOU? Nothing. Zip. Zilch. I made it half way down, skipped to the bottom and you just ask for someone simple and kind.
I would scrap it and start over. It comes off too dark and artsy,from the front picture that you can't really see your face....to the poem. It's not about finding someone that enjoys your poetry. It's about telling women about you, your interests, your aspirations, the fun things about you, blah blah blah.
She has no reason to write you. She doesn't want to waste time asking you every single thing. That is what she would have to do. She'll move on to the next profile where a guy has all the fun facts about himself, and what he wants in a woman, etc.
I'm hoping you understand what I'm saying. I can understand and appreciate the creative side of you...but that is not what you're on here for. Showcase all of you.
Try also to throw in more pics. You have the one dark guitar one and then one looking out a window.
That's all I picked up from it. Hope that helps a weeny bit.
Have a great night.
(side note to Mr economist...You can't hijack a thread....plus, you have TWO threads going for reviews....ease up a bit...LOL) | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/20/2009 7:12:42 PM | HalftimeDad: I was hoping you'd stop by. Always a joy to hear from you, and I hope all is well. Your previous comments were very helpful. I'll try to get some better shots, but at the moment, I'm limited to the camera in my cell phone. I posted a few of those up the last time, but was advised to take them down b/c they didn't seem very flattering. Still, I'll try again.
Mr. Economist: Always great hearing from a fellow poet. To be honest, I can't stand "Easter speeches" as I've heard them called. If you ask me, the only ones who should be allowed to take time to explain their work should be those who are already well established and/or published as poets. Still, those are simply how I see things, and I'll take your thoughts into consideration. Give me a little bit to check back and forth on this thing, and I'll see about giving your profile a once-over. By the way, I'm a little more with Blonderoses on this. I don't believe that you intended to hijack my thread, though, but understand that not everyone on here would be as understanding as I might be.
Blonderoses1: Actually, that 3 year thing tends to be a little misleading. It does not say whether or not I've been in any relationships within that 3 year span, whether I've gotten any contacts, gained any friends from this site through my profile, been complimented multiple times on writing my profile, etc. All of these things have taken place within 3 years, though I admit that the latter could not have taken place without the extensive help of the reviewers here. It also doesn't explain that this is my first attempt at using a poem in my profile.
As such, I hope you'll forgive me for at least trying it out to see what happens. I'll give it a week. If it works, then it works. If it doesn't, then I will happily admit that you were right all along and revert back to my original approach which is actually closer to what you recommend. Of course, I'll admit right now that you're right. Still, I'd like to try it and see what happens.
As I mentioned to HalftimeDad, I'll get to work on the new pics, especially ones with better lighting. I've only got a cell phone camera right now, so that will have to do unless you have any other recommendations.
As a side note, you seem somewhat frustrated in your message. I hope that I didn't do anything to upset you in any way. If I did, I apologize. | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/20/2009 7:33:31 PM | On second thought, after some reflection, I've decided to go for some middle ground. I'll keep the poem up, but rather than explaining it (for reasons already explained), I'll just add a blurb at the end about me and about what I believe. Hopefully that will at least take care of what I need.
In other news, I've tried uploading a pic from my cell phone, but it doesn't seem to be working. Guess I'll have to think of something else. | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/20/2009 7:58:24 PM | Hi Creative…lovely, meandering poem, great visualization, so I’m crossing my fingers that it’s got a chance. I’m with you….try it and see.
One suggestion….maybe START your profile with the last 2 lines of your poem since it immediately puts the focus on HER….
“You are kind, That is all”
Then launch into your prose. Put the poem AFTER the prose. Those who initially dismiss “Poem Profiles” because they usually aren’t good, will be captivated by your prose….and hopefully read your entire profile.
Hope that helps. Best to you. DenverSky5280  | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/20/2009 8:00:31 PM | I appreciate your compliments as well as your careful consideration of my profile. I need some clarification, though. Was my explanation enough or should I use more of my words?
Also, I'm still getting error messages when submitting my pictures. It's in a JPEG format, so I don't see what the issue is. Ideas? | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/20/2009 8:07:56 PM | DenverSky: Greetings! I hope this evening finds you well (at least, it's nighttime for me on the East Coast). I can imagine it's probably cold in Colorado. I heard that it got down to the 30's or so here, which is generally unheard of for Georgia this time of year. Has it started snowing there yet?
Also, your suggestion.
is.
freaking.
brilliant.
I'll take it.
I hadn't thought of it that way. Thanks for showing me my profile in a new light. | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/20/2009 8:21:18 PM |
much like a leaf that drifts on a stream.
For a Type-A oldest-child control-freak obsessive-compulsive like me, this makes me nuts.
This is what my first impression was: Obviously I'm not your target market, but I tend to extrapolate the possibilities and imagine you meeting someone just like you and nothing gets done! Other than contemplating life and it's beauty (which I find time to do, too) what else do you do?
This is my cleaned-up version: You sound very, very groovy.
I've always thought if they called it "Lyrics" instead of "Poetry" you'd have young men lined up around the block to participate. Just a thought.
Did you try clicking on the word "Poetry" in your Interests field? The system should show you users with the same word in their Interests field - maybe even someone nearby! Try it. | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/20/2009 8:42:05 PM | Forecast….Errant snowflakes and naughty gusts will soon misbehave in unison.
Brilliant?…awwww, shucks. Creative conductivity….it was your creative prose that made think of bringing it full circle.
Your prose is so delightful, I’d incorporate a bit more of “all of you” into the prose.
For example…she may not be familiar with Taoism, but maybe she embraces peace and nature and harmony and ?? You don’t want to lose her due to her unfamiliarity.
The 1 jarring line for me was “cheapen the whole experience”…maybe it’s good that it’s jarring….but I’m thinking….probably not. Because then she might not feel comfortable emailing and talking about “normal things”….fearing you’ll think it “cheapens the experience”. Make sense??
And yes, do the 6-8 picture photo gallery….you’ve delighted her ears and mind, but you need to delight her visual senses, too. Best! DenverSky5280 | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/20/2009 8:45:37 PM | You go first: I encourage you to read the Tao Te Ching sometimes. Lao Tze sees it differently.
"The world is shaped by the Tao;
It cannot be shaped by the self.
Trying to change it, you damage it;
Trying to possess it, you lose it."
#29.
You'd be surprised, though. Most young men recognize the difference between lyrics and poetry and still revel in it. It depends on the student, though.
And ultimately, that is the disservice that education has done to us. We all learn to enjoy poetry through a young age. Nursery rhymes, songs, and such. Even Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein were masters of poetic voice, and their audiences were primarily children.
Then, somewhere along the line, some fool starts imposing various rules of order and starts telling those kids that it has to look like this and that, or it's not good enough. The high school version of that is "It must be like this, or you'll fail college" or "It must be like this, or you'll never get a job."
So we lose touch with our inner poets.
Other than contemplating life and its beauty, what else is there? | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/20/2009 8:50:32 PM | It's time for bed for me, so I'll have to let your suggestion about adding more "all of you" into the prose simmer for a bit.
I did change the "cheapen" line. In the end, it's better to be careful with these things.
Again, having troubles with uploading pictures. I'll have to give it another shot when I'm possessing all of my mental faculties.
Goodnight all.
I'll check back in the morning to see if anyone's added anything.
A little misbehaving precipitation is a wonderful thing.
Though, as most Atlantans have learned over the past couple of months, a whole lot of it can be downright catastrophic. | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/21/2009 4:32:37 PM | I managed to get the photo uploader to work and I've added a new picture along with some more information in the About Me section, so hopefully that'll get some results. Give it one more once over and tell me what you think.
If you want. | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/21/2009 4:42:39 PM | Hi Creative…
1) Not a bad photo, but a big smile would be wonderful!
2) Nice change to “limit enjoyment of life”
3) Don’t like the “I’ll have you know….”
4) Too much like a parent lecturing....you can't hear voice intonation here.
5) Also, besides the gardening, it would be good to tell her you have a real job that lets you buy tomato plants and veggie seeds.
6) On the masters….too wishy washy….ladies like decisive men….yeah, you’re only 25, so you’ve got time. But many 45+ y.o. guys are still trying to decide what they want to be when they grow up and you don’t want her to lump you in with that mindset. Capiche?
Best to you! And, yes, the snow flakes arrived en masse…about 5 inches worth! :DenverSky5280 | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/21/2009 4:58:20 PM | It's chilly here. It's even gotten down to the 60's right now. I'm sure all of those folks up in British Columbia are rolling their eyes at me.
Made a few changes. Any other parts that sound like a parent lecturing? | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/21/2009 5:04:53 PM | So BC measures their temperature in Celsius?
Wonder what that looks like in Kelvin.
Always wanted to visit somewhere up north. Is it nice up there? | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/21/2009 5:07:27 PM | | It's a big country. Some parts are nicer than others. It depends what you like - we get a ton of German tourists every year through our city, but we never see them. They head into the woods first thing. There are more Germans on the West Coast Trail than Canadians. | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/21/2009 5:13:05 PM |
Wonder what that looks like in Kelvin.
Add 273.15 to it, right?
Photo
Even cellphones should catch a big toothy grin if the lighting is good. Bring extra lamps to you (or you to them) until you see something that highlights you appropriately.
About you
Your first 200 words show up in searches with your thumbnail and headline. Maximize the impact of them. Leading with this paragraph truncates the story in such a way that the reader is likely to click simply to see what else you say.
From there, I've edited for content, readability, and to nix negativity/wishy-washiness.
As I type this, a few weekends ago, I got to sit in on acoustic guitar with a bluegrass band consisting of no fewer than 10 musicians at any given moment. Yesterday, I helped one of my creative writing students find someone to tutor her in math. Today, my fourth period's reading of Henrik Ibsen's A Doll's House was interrupted by some loud talking outside. My students, who normally get excited at such a break in their work, actually became irritated because they were thoroughly enjoying the play.
You are kind.
That is all.
Now, let me explain. I've been studying Taoism for several months now, and much of this affects how I approach life. In that sense, I'm afraid that there really isn't much to say. To say that I do such and such for fun and I believe in this or that is to limit my enjoyment of life. I don't know about you, but that doesn't sound like much fun, right?
So, I'll just leave it at saying that I love to experience life. I am happiest wherever my feet may wander, be it on a crowded street or in an open pasture. I'll try anything more than once.
Each moment holds something beautiful, and I'm not about to shortchange myself on any other experiences just because I think I won't like something.
I'm in the process of getting a vegetable garden going at my house, I shall at some point get my Master's Degree, most likely in English Education. I'm working to publish a book of my poems, and have plans to visit Africa. At the moment, though, I'm happily enjoying my days as a high school World Literature and Creative Writing teacher. Don't worry, I won't correct your grammar.
As for you, dear reader, whomever you are - be simple, be patient, and be kind. More importantly, know yourself. If life brings us together, then so be it.
***** flow now into your poem.
I liked the meter, flow, and imagery, btw. Solid power in your simplicity.
Well done. | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/21/2009 5:48:15 PM | | Many thanks, dichoTommy. I almost wish I could show this whole thread to my students to show them how writing is a collaborative process. Then again, showing them a forum thread from a personals site is a bad idea on several levels. Still, thanks for everyone's help thus far. | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/21/2009 5:49:55 PM | save it and strip out the details?
Or collaborate with one of your fellow writers off-board?
(though I write, that was a suggestion moreso than an offer) ;) | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/21/2009 8:13:57 PM | Holy God Mother Mary Allah Buddha Space Jesus, Halftime. That was just...well...just. Yeesh.
Then again, welcome to teh Internets. I'd tell you I'm surprised but, well, I've seen how my students behave. Moreover, I've seen how my students' parents behave. When we have to drag two mothers out of the school in handcuffs because they were going to get into a fight with students and THEN turn around and get into a fight with each other, well, nothing surprises me anymore.
One could do worse and still remain employed. In fact, they might even promote me to administrator. Maybe then, I could start doing LESS work for MORE pay instead of the other way around. But you don't want to get me started on that little tirade. | |
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| Trying a different approach
Posted: 10/21/2009 8:25:46 PM | | By the way, I just made it to the end of that last thread HT posted. Hope we all don't get banna-nated because we went off topic or something. 'Cause that wouldn't be pleasant. | |
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