| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/21/2009 11:28:00 AM | Me and my Fiance need some help some help and FAST!!
As some of you know i have a daughter thats 19... and Kevin also has one thats nearly 19.... They used to get along so well, but the last few weeks they have been bickering so much that Kev's daughter has decided to move out, in a few weeks
Now the problem is My daughter feels to blame as we moved into Kevs place and she feels that she has driven Kevs daughter out...
what can i do or say to them both .... i really wanna bang their heads together and say FFS please try to get along, but obviously i cant LOL
They bicker at the silliest things.. My daughter likes to party and Kevs daughter dont like to see people drunk, its driving me n kev insane...... they argue whose gonna have the last buiscuit in the cupboard etc etc!
HELP!!! | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/21/2009 11:30:50 AM | two 19 yr olds who are opposite, with a new mum/dad and shoved under one roof.. of course there would be bickering... do not think it is purely between them two..perhaps there is an underlying issue that is causing them to bicker.
You should all sit down and jus get everything out in the open. | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/21/2009 11:41:18 AM |
You should all sit down and jus get everything out in the open.
Tried that last night, and if it wasn't for us it would have ended in Fistycuffs.. 
They used to be best friends in Primary school always had so much in common, i know kids change as they grow up but when we first moved in 6 months ago everything was grand.. i really dont know whats changed... and its driving us mad!
Kev is like if she wants to go, then let her go, but im more like no lets try and sort it so that they are ok together again but i dunno where the hell to start! | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/21/2009 11:51:10 AM | Perhaps things are a bit different now, they aren't friends anymore and it's a bit different also one minute someone is your mate, then they are your potential relative, even if it's just by marriage. I'm aware that they may have lost contact through their teens but life has now shoved them together, they haven't chosen to share a home.
They are possibly having a reaction to you getting married, things have changed for them and it's not easy being that age anyway as most of us know.
Regardless of how well you all get on, his daughter may feel that it's her home and that she is being pushed out. 6 months isn't that long a time to adjust to some quite large life changes.
You can't force it either. If his daughter is going to leave home, I hope wherever she is going that you and your partner know where she is and that contact is maintained.
Maybe both of them could have some ground rules set in general, basically that the arguing can't continue, or perhaps consider some type of family counselling with a neutral person there. | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/21/2009 11:53:16 AM | Have you tried talking to them individually?
Or having each parent talk to each Daughter to find out what the problems are?
Is it that the two of them are used to receiving all the attention from a parent and dont like it being shared with the other one?
Do you know what the issues are?
You cannot resolve any situation until you are aware of the issues causing it the only way to find out what the issues are is to talk to them, if they refuse to discuss it then there is little you can do in assisiting in the resolution of it.
Was there anything that triggered the change?
Was it a sudden change or a slow increase over time? | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:57:12 PM | | At 19, maybe his daughter is ready for some independence and would be wanting to leave home now even if you and your daughter hadn't moved in. Is it really so bad if she does move out? If it's on bad terms and she hasn't got a decent place to go, then yes it would be. But if she knows she has the support of you and Kev and that it's fine for her to move back in if it doesn't work out, then this may be a really good thing for her and actually help to make the relationships between all of you that much stronger. Your daughter may actually end up being jealous of her step-sister's new-found freedom and want to move out as well! | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/21/2009 2:06:35 PM | I see you have tried all sitting down and trying to talk which is the logical thing to try and do…then you add in two teenagers!
At 19, i think it is a tad early for one to be striving out on her own. She will probably be fine but as parents your always going to worry. My solution is to try the sit down thing again, with a difference. I have seen it done for management stuff and basically you pass a cup or something that recognises that if you have the cup, you are the only one speaking and everyone else is listening. Its up to the two of you to let them know how worried you are about this, how hurt you both are, but if one of the girls moves out then it has to be with no bad feeling…basically they have to be made to realise that their actions are upsetting to the both of you, but they also have to learn to respect each other. One can not judge the other. Maybe the cup should be plastic, just in case!
Best of luck! | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/21/2009 3:05:01 PM | | Bash their heads together and tell them to behave lol.Seriously though Trish,is there some resentment or jealousy going on with them?It could just be two different personalities clashing.Whatever it is,you need to try and get to the bottom of it otherwise Kev,s daughter is gonna feel pushed out and your daughter is going to feel guilty and that will cause more resentment.Hope it all gets sorted. | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/21/2009 3:06:33 PM | I think your partner may regret it if his daughter moves out under a cloud.
I don't know how long you have been together or how long he was on his own before then, but she might have had her dad to herself for some time, now she is having to share her home with 2 other people.
It's a big adjustment for anyone, 18 or not. People get protective over their parents and they get used to it being just them against the world. I'd certainly be doing everything I could to try and get her to stay, if she wants to move out, I'd also be looking to help her move on and settle into her new place.
I would really question someone just saying, if she wants to go go, I would reckon that she is probably really miserable and the anger is just a way of venting her frustration, hard enough being a teenager without living with another teenager and someone else in the space of 6 months. She probably doesn't want to go, she might just be saying it for effect and to get some attention.
Everyone in this situation needs to make some adjustments, both the adults and the teens. You don't want their behaviour to rule your lives but they aren't just lashing out for nothing and if they are very different in their lifestyles, there are bound to be tensions. | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/22/2009 2:33:14 AM | Well if they were both up for similar leisure persuits I'd encourage them to go out together more maybe giving them a few quid to socialise away from the parents as it is their own relationship that needs to be worked on, but considering their differences, ie one is a drinker and one not this could do more harm than good.
I don't drink myself and love going out with the gang, but I have a very low opinion of my best mate when shes hammered, and if I didn't love her to bits, that would affect my overall opinion of her.
Before trying to put a stop to all stepsibling rivalry, recognize that, as with other forms of rivalry, some aspects of it are very healthy.
The competition allows children to practice some new roles. It also allows them to figure out for themselves the types of relationships they want with their new family members. If you try to turn them into an all-loving instant family, the children will simply rebel by showing you how much they can't stand each other.
Remember that your strongest ally is time. Give your children and yourselves a chance to stumble about a bit as you sort through the new relationships.
With any situation that we can't change, first comes rebellion to the idea then resignation, then acceptance then understanding. | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/22/2009 3:27:16 AM | | Well they are both adults and time to join the real world four adults under one roof may not always mix, time for both of them to grow up .......time for independence. Both my daughters live away now 19 and 22. Your relationship is important | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/22/2009 3:28:52 AM | Do the finances allow for taking the child and their parent out of the situation for some "quality" time? For both children?
Rather than having the new family at the table, sometimes the truth can be outed more easily within the blood family, and that may help the child come to terms with what has happened.
"Oooh this is exciting - parent has found their true love, I've got a friend," can too easily change to, "Oooh I don't like this, parent is all tied up with their true love and I am going to be left out."
Add to that the normal step-parent thing of trying to be equal to both and instead possibly ending up being perceived as nicer to the step-child, not the blood-child.
I think each half of the new family needs to take time out together - and not just now, but in the future too. Reassurance that the special relationship is still there, even if the love is shared equally with another. It must be so much harder when the children are nearly adults than when they are nearly pre-school to accept another with all their different ways.
Good luck. | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/22/2009 3:31:09 AM | I for one might be really miffed if someone in my family moved two other people into “my home”. Seeing someone occasionally or visiting is one thing, but full on, and when one of the two “interlopers” in my dad’s life is a teenager …..
The potential is there for fireworks.
Perhaps if they are living as “siblings” they need the freedom to slog it out like siblings.
Hopefully all will settle in time, it's a big adjustment for the children to make x | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/22/2009 3:58:29 AM | Also, as well as the sensible advice perhaps you could be a more traditional Stepmother, and lock the daughter who is not yours in the cellar, and only let her out to do the housework and iron your daughters clothes for when she needs to go out?
This would give every one a more defined role and they would all know where they stand at least? | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/22/2009 5:39:37 AM | Clearly they both have too much time on their hands and you need to find them more chores to do together (do the eves need painting? gutters unblocking? Bathroom re-tiling? Car need a good scrub underneath and a bit of Waxoyling?).
I would also worry about their hormone levels (are they eating a healthy diet?)and encourage them both to have more sex. At 19 sex should be dominating part of their lives and brains and they should be confiding in each other regarding issues of ettiquete such as spitting or swallowing, unorthodox practices, whether Wayne from No 43 is as well proportioned as the local grapevine suggests etc etc. All these things should be helping them bond and become confidantes, as this will be much more logical than confiding to old people like you (or me) who clearly will have stopped having sex years ago and only really know about the missionary position.
Have they both got boyfriends? Has only one of them got a boyfriend (bit of jealousy maybe - or a motivator to get your own place and start exploring the pink fluffy handcuffs and chandelier swinging without yer mum complaining about you breaking the new Ikea bed)? Have neither of them got boyfriends (Have you talked to them about girl on girl love?)? | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/22/2009 6:10:25 AM | They bicker at the silliest things.. My daughter likes to party and Kevs daughter dont like to see people drunk, its driving me n kev insane...... they argue whose gonna have the last buiscuit in the cupboard etc etc!
As others have said it's not quite the same as siblings, because they were 'forced' into this situation, or may see it as such.
They also seem to have very different personalities and interests from the little we know, so there may just be a clash of personalities, when you're 19, usually you" know everything", and you're "always right"! And they will be critical of each others taste and choices.
I have two sons, obviously slightly different as they grew up together, but both different personalities and interests. By the time they were 12 and 18 the younger (Freakishly strong and hard) was attacking the elder and winning, The older is a laid back, kind of 'indy' kid, the younger was a hip-hop/gangsta-rap dude.
I would have to get in between them in fights, and there were bloody noses, cut lips etc, quite brutal! they were both quite big.
They are 20 & 26 now and regularly drink together and get on great!
Unfortunately, this sort of thing is part of growing up, the separation will probably do them good. You can't make people get on if they don't want to. I left home at 17 due to continuous arguments with my sister, who was a year older.
I don't think 19 is too young to be striking out, and I feel she deserves some respect from you and the rest of the family for making this brave decision, particularly if she's made it calmly. I'd say your little girl was growing up, and you should help and encourage that because it's a good thing. IMO
Edit. My eldest went to Australia on his own when he was 19, which was a bit nerve racking, as he hadn't done much before that, but you have to let them go when they think they're ready, -for their confidence. | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/22/2009 6:18:45 AM | She is 19 and ready to fly the nest and should go with your blessing. They aren't true sisters and do they really need to get on? Yeah it would be nice and make life easier but it isn't necessary. Their relationship will probably get back to what it was when the time together is less.
I used to bicker all the time with my older brother and it would on occasions get physical and we are very different, he moved out and I moved away. Now? we get on and go for a beer occasionally. | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/22/2009 6:46:10 AM | Maybe she is ready to fly the nest but does someone automatically turn 19 and become automatically ready to live independently? Where is she going to go? Look at the number of people still living at home in their 20s because they can't get a foot on the property ladder.
She probably won't fall into being a priority for a council house so her options are private lets. Does she have the money for a month's rent and deposit up front?
That's what she will be asked for. Would she be even thinking of leaving home if all this arguing hadn't happened?
This is her home remember and she may feel that she is being pushed out. 19 is young to be going it alone and yes I'm sure many people on here left home at that age but she needs to find somewhere to live first before she thinks about going anywhere. | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/22/2009 7:23:51 AM |
... they argue whose gonna have the last buiscuit in the cupboard etc etc!
Tell them if they don't stop they will both have to move out.
It sounds like they need to do a bit of growing up. | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/22/2009 7:26:51 AM |
This is her home remember and she may feel that she is being pushed out. 19 is young to be going it alone and yes I'm sure many people on here left home at that age but she needs to find somewhere to live first before she thinks about going anywhere.
Yes very good points, you do need to talk to her obviously, to establish she is doing this for "adult" reasons, and not just some 'spur of the moment' adolescent 'hissy fit'. But you have to recognize that legally they are both adults, and so the relationship has to adjust to take that on board. We all wish we could make our children's mistakes for them, but they have to be allowed to make them themselves, even if we don't always agree.
I believe that if you give people responsibility, they generally rise to it. | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/22/2009 8:31:09 AM |
Maybe she is ready to fly the nest but does someone automatically turn 19 and become automatically ready to live independently?
I left home at 17, was I ready? No but I coped and I learned quickly and most 19 years old would fine.
Where is she going to go?
Privately rent with friends, isn't that what people do? It is what I did at that age.
Look at the number of people still living at home in their 20s because they can't get a foot on the property ladder.
Who earn in general in excess of a thousand pounds a month with no real expenses but waste that money on phones, clothes, cars and booze. They can't get on the ladder through not wanting to sacrifice a luxurious life style.
She probably won't fall into being a priority for a council house so her options are private lets. Does she have the money for a month's rent and deposit up front?
I assume that if this is something she is thinking about then she is full time steady employment and at that age providing this isn't a new job she should have that in her bank account, it amazes me though the amount that don't.
Would she be even thinking of leaving home if all this arguing hadn't happened?
The only disappointing thing is if she is feeling forced out or feels her home is no longer that a home and just somewhere she resides. The arguing maybe a catalyst but I think most teenagers want to move out of home and wouldn't overly concerned myself. | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:51:14 AM | She can privately rent with pals if there happen to be pals around just now who want to share with her. The problem is, homes just won't magically appear when there happens to be a crisis, it could take her some time to find one.
The arguing seems to be the catalyst for her deciding to move on and if I were in her position I might feel a bit sore about 2 new people moving into my home and then feeling that the only solution is for me to move on.
Many teenagers do want to move out of home but believe me, having spent a long time working with teenagers and helping them move into their own accommodation, for many unless you have a lot of family support you can fall flat on your face very quickly. Some young people cope well in tenancies but others don't, they are just not ready to be out there and can't cope with living independently. For a multitude of reasons.
One of the biggest causes of young people leaving home and presenting as homeless is tensions caused by step families. It's very common, but sad at the same time.
Look at the number of people still living at home in their 20s because they can't get a foot on the property ladder.
Who earn in general in excess of a thousand pounds a month with no real expenses but waste that money on phones, clothes, cars and booze. They can't get on the ladder through not wanting to sacrifice a luxurious life style.
Possibly but many people in their twenties, including young couples cannot afford a first time mortgage. It's not always down to not wanting to be independent. | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/23/2009 7:51:25 AM | | People leave home at 18 - they go to uni or they get jobs away from home or they move out to get away from or move to or whatever or they join the services. They live in bedsits or share barracks or flats or houses - they tend not to be able to or want to make the commitment of buying a place at that age. It is all part of the normal 'rights of passage'. Some people will have had a kid by the time they are 19. Most people cope really well with moving out and moving on it is no huge thing for 99.999% of people at 18 0r 19. | |
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| Argueing Step sisters/Brothers
Posted: 10/23/2009 7:55:08 AM |
Most people cope really well with moving out and moving on it is no huge thing for 99.999% of people at 18 0r 19.
If 99.999 percent of people coped so well, there wouldn't be temporary accommodation units full with young people who have already been through the housing system and not coped. | |
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