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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:15:03 PM | | I've met many great gals, though, but it seems when it comes to the lack of physical intimacy, it's game over. Why can't romance be disassociated from sex these days? Why can't a kiss be just a kiss and a warm cuddle be a cuddle, without the 'need' to go further? Thoughts? | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:26:48 PM | | I will speak my mind...I spent many years of my life being celebate due to religious beliefs and too many years in a sexless relationship but staying faithful because it was the "right thing to do". I'm now in my late 30's and have no desire or intention of wasting more time being celibate. How's that for honesty? Women have physical and sexual needs just like men do. I'm not going to go out and just sleep with someone I meet on a first date nor am I going to be trampy about it, which is why I'd like to find a male companion to share parts of my life with, but it would certainly include sex. That is just my reasoning, I'm not sure what other women will have to say on the topic? Hopefully your thread will survive and we can see what they have to say. I am curious though why you are looking for celibacy, is this a religious decision or a moral issue for you, what is your reasoning? | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:32:59 PM | | Not sure the age range of the women you are dating, but it sounds to me like the women are in their sexual prime. Men top off earlier. Maybe its karma that is showing you how annoying it was for us when we were in our twenties. :) | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:33:47 PM | Whoa, OP coming from a man, I applaud you! Sex seems to be on top of every guy's list. They are so worried that they'll never get any.
Sure, I go to fests, I go to work, joke with the guys and sex isn't involved. I have a much better time. I can hug someone without jumping in the sack. | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:36:12 PM | WOW! LOOOVE this FlameNFire! Your honesty is refreshing and a bit shocking too; truth usually is.
Without getting too personal, what changed your mind? You mentioned you have 'no desire or intention of 'wasting' more time after being celebate for religous reasons. That's my hold back too. I also think that if I've held off this far, I would be somewhat a hypocrite to turn back now after denying myself and women companions this "pleasure." Still...I've been tempted and really, the last time I had literally nothing stopping me but still said no at the last possible human second.
More thoughts?
UIysses. | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:40:18 PM | | OP, I finally got over being so religious and figured out the (For ME - yes I know I'll get called out for this!) I believe God created us with sexual needs and I've denied mine long enough and frankly am sick of it. Like I said, not gonna turn it all the way around and be a tramp about it, but my days of denying my needs are OVER! | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:50:21 PM | OP:
I believe that women (and men, for that matter) who would be willing to enter into a marriage without having had a sexual relationship established will be few and far between.
I'm assuming that you are "saving yourself" for marriage, and when that happens you will give up on celibacy.
It's not just a question of sexual desires and needs; I think this puts the idea of MARRIAGE in such strong focus that it presses the question, "Will this guy and I marry"? forward unnaturally quickly. In my experience, some of the intimacy that has lead to wishing to marry came through sex. My SO, incidentally, came from a strict Baptist upbringing and did not have sex before his first marriage. He's changed his stance on that.
Have you been dating women from your own church who share the same beliefs that you do? | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:52:26 PM | I did not set this thread up to throw stones or to make myself look like some kind of saint, FlameNFire. I simply want to better understand where I fit into this great social morass and maybe because I'm kind of in a similar place that you are in.
Without knowing you, personally, I believe that you are a decent and very forthright woman and I will not stand on my soapbox and preach at you what we both understand. Your needs are as valid as mine and your choices are too. I just want to understand, that's all, because maybe, just maybe, I am also 'denying' myself something, morals and values aside.
When my last G/F dumped me, my friend told me it was because I did not, uh, finish what I started. At the time she told me it was 'ok' and I accepted that. But it was the same before as well.
Maybe if I had 'finished' it we might have stayed together but that is debatable since even those that go that far split up too. It's a bit of self-torture regardless but I've paid this price before too. How many more times do I have too, I don't know. But it's not easy either and this helps me, if nothing else, to get a 'fix' on where people are at and where I am at now.
So, please, continue to post your thoughts here. I have no stones to throw.
Ulysses. | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:58:00 PM | Unfortuantely my church is very small and at my age, being single, indicates something is 'wrong' with me, at least that is the unsaid thing.
Yeah, I'm 'saving' myself for marriage but I am now beginning to wonder if I am, pardon the pun, out of touch. I don't want to have sex for the sake of sex itself, mind you, but I do want to better understand if we have begun to take sex in a relationship for granted and what kinds of pressures, emotional and physical, that has placed on couples these days.
With all the broken relationships now, what is the role of sex in it? Is virgin marriage still possible and still desirable? And why does it, to me, seem as if relationships are now more unbalanced? Were they better 50 years ago when sex was taboo and what does that mean for our society now.
I'm trying to keep an open mind about this, which is why I chose to start this thread and let people speak openly, without judging. I want to learn and see from here if I might be really out to left field now and maybe it might help me in future relationships too.
Ulysses. | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 12:59:19 PM | | I'm a male virgin, age 51. It's not a matter of religion or morals for me, though; I'm just rather asexual, not interested in sex with anyone. Romance, kissing, cuddling are nice, but I wouldn't want to go further than that, even if I was married to someone. | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:05:15 PM | Interesting choice. I have heard of the a-sexual movement but it has little appeal to me. I believe, bibically and physically, that in marriage (if not non-married relationships), sex is vital and necessary, and cannot imagine such a relationship without it.
Do you have a medical condition, if you don't mind me asking, or is there something else too it aside from simple lack of desire? You see, in my case, I DO want to go further BUT it is a religious decision for me.
Sex, yeah, scares me, yeah, but not as much as some might think. I've come very very close to being a non-virgin but held back, though not out of fear.
More thoughts?
Ulysses. | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:08:38 PM | | Imulysses, I'm not concerned about what you will have to say about my thoughts on the topic, it's everyone else who will hold me to the fire, but that's ok. I'm pretty comfortable in my own skin and can take the heat for the most part. I was held captive in a very abusive marriage by "the church" and I have given up many years of happiness in my life doing "the right thing" and I finally grew up and grew a brain! My relationship with God is my own personal thing and it wont be dictacted to me by any other human being ever again. It's very real to me, and I don't care who wants to judge me for what I do or don't do. I have spent a great deal of my adult life chosing to be celibate for reasons that were forced upon me by big religion, and enough is enough. I feel I've paid my dues and I wish I could get some of that time back. I can't but what I can do is change my future, and in my future I am going to embrace doing things that bring me happiness and fullfill my needs, all of them. Including my sexual ones. I don't expect everyone to understand where I am coming from, but they haven't walked in my shoes, so oh well. I think that waiting for marriage is an enormous mistake, I think it leads to people rushing into marriage sooner than they would otherwise and thus leads to unhappy marriages. However, on the flip side, I'm not suggesting rushing into a sexual relationship either! Only you know when you are ready and comfortable with that. If you don't feel that connection to someone, you shouldn't ever allow yourself to get pressured into doing something you don't want to do. That goes for both men and women. It sounds to me like you have some pretty strong convictions on this topic, so obviously just jumping into bed with someone you barely know isn't something that is going to make you feel good about yourself, that person or that relationship. I'm not sure if I'm answering your questions here or not? | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:09:43 PM | | well i'm not a religous man or waiting for someone special, i just don't believe in going to bed with any person, there are tons of sickness and diseases out there and the unwanted pregnacy thing keeps my zipper zipped up. anyway I wonder the same why does sex have to be equated with relationships, but i guess that's the way it is. I commend those who don't give in to those urges and protect themselves. | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:15:39 PM | | OP, I'm a bit hesitant to say how I feel, I don't want to disrespect your commitment to your religion. I know how incredibly powerful and important that is to some people and I'm not promoting that YOU give that up. I am merely sharing with you the decisions I have made in MY life for ME and why. Please understand that just because I have chosen that path doesn't make it right for you or anyone else, that is just the right choice for me. I do understand the pressure you are referring to about going to a small church and not being in a relationship. I had to leave my last church because I was dating and they knew I had no intention of remarrying so they continued to hound me that I shouldn't be dating! I would suggest that maybe you find a singles group in a larger church somewhere near you and possibly see about attending some of their functions and possibly meeting more singles in the church arena that way? Or, find a Christian dating sight? | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:16:06 PM |
That's my hold back too. I also think that if I've held off this far, I would be somewhat a hypocrite to turn back now after denying myself and women companions this "pleasure." Still...I've been tempted and really, the last time I had literally nothing stopping me but still said no at the last possible human second.
What's hypocritical is when religious people abstain from sex but masturbate...isn't masturbation also a sin? | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:16:45 PM | I agree with you 100% colt, I am not a virgin myself but also have not slept around the block like most men out there have. I have had alot of sex while in long term relationships and have had one, one night stand after my last relationship and it made me sick to my stomache about what I had done. It was with a very nice girl as well and I think she thought by getting me into bed that it would keep me around. What happens is guys lose respect for you for doing it but some guys with morals also lose respect for themselves and learn a valuable lesson.
Basically what I am saying is I have been celibate for 8 months now and am going to wait to find the right gal to enter a relationship with the end it. | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:23:58 PM | I think you are, FlameNFire, and probably many others thoughts too. Infact I believe I do understand where you are coming from and in so far as that goes, I accept what you say. Infact I rather grieve for you, though you'd probably tell me that even your abusive marriage made you better as a person for surviving it.
I also agree that in some cases, couples that want sex might rush into marriage to get it and yet not be fully compatible. My friend tells me you have to 'test drive' a relationship and sex is part of that, though I think people will understand if I say 'me and women are not cars and cannot be 'driven' off the lot to prove their worth.'
That's my thought. My other thought is that you should never marry for sex. If people have, I think it's better to admit your need, say 'this is just about sex' and be done with things, that to get married and find out you are not compatible or one is an abuser.
Can't people sort this out BEFORE marriage, without sex? I would think that if you are genuinely in love with someone, sex comes naturally along with marriage too. But if a persons focus is only on how 'good' the sex will be, and get married to prove it, then it's diminishes marriage and the people too.
In my case I don't worry about sex, per say, it's the other things that matter. But some find that they cannot have an emotional committment without the sex first and it is a dichotomy I can't seem to get around. If I did, I'd be married right now and so I'm really finding myself in a strange position in the relationship game.
Your thoughts are a great help in this area, FameNFire, and I appreciate them very much, as I do everyone else's here too. Again, I want to understand better and so I'm hopeful more people will be as upfront and honest as you have, without fear and without being 'flamed' like others have when threads become excuses for shooting at people instead of places to share thoughts and opinions.
Cheers,
Ulysses. | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 1:39:17 PM |
Yeah, I'm 'saving' myself for marriage but I am now beginning to wonder if I am, pardon the pun, out of touch.
Out of touch? Uh, you might say. You're wondering why your girlfriend dumped you? Orthodox religions have created more sexually screwed up people than you might imagine. Sex is natural. Sex is normal. Sex is human...contrary to what you're told in church. That's the reason you were born with a penis. I'd recommend you find a good hooker. You'll get over your hangups soon enough. I wouldn't "practice" celibacy any more than I'd practice not eating or drinking or breathing or any other normal human function. | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 2:00:46 PM | going to wait to find the right gal to enter
 Pun intended???
(Sorry, but I tend to have a dirty mind. )
This is one ot those issues that REALLY makes me question organized religions!!!
Here are my personal feelings...
Humans are, for the most part, built for sex, and in fact can enjoy it for more than reproducing. The truth is, it's got a LOT of positives going for it ... besides the feelings of the act itself and orgasm(s), it is great exercise, it is a bonding experience, it's a chance to express your creativity, it's waaaayyyy better than anything on t.v., ... you get my drift.
In this context (and YES, I'm fully aware of the negatives), I wonder why people in a loving, trusting relationship DENY themselves this wonderful experience. For me, it is so important the lack of sex in my marriage killed the marriage itself.
It's like buying a car ... I would NEVER buy a car without test driving it, playing with all the switches and knobs, checking the engine, looking in the trunk, etc.
So why would I not fully check out the compatibility of a potential spouse in the same through manner???? That's an even bigger commitment than a car ... well, for most people!
So, I'm basically just as confused as you about organized religions telling folks to be celebate. Sorry I'm probably no help, because like someone else already said, you'll feel like a hypocrite at this point. I thought the Christian dating sites was a great idea, btw! (Don't expect to find you girl in THIS pond!!!)
Best wishes.
p.s. - Doesn't "practicing" something imply you are working on getting better at it???
Personally I'd rather practice having sex. | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 2:09:43 PM | I have been celibate for Seven years!!! 
By choice and mainly due to Christian values.
It's tough to find a woman with the same restrictions. | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 2:23:28 PM |
OP, I finally got over being so religious and figured out the (For ME - yes I know I'll get called out for this!) I believe God created us with sexual needs and I've denied mine long enough and frankly am sick of it. Like I said, not gonna turn it all the way around and be a tramp about it, but my days of denying my needs are OVER!
Congratulations.
You've finally become a free thinker.
Now you can get onto having the best f*****g orgasms of your life.
They're so much better when you alleviate yourself from guilt... | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 2:30:13 PM | Ulysses,
I so VERY much understand and respect your resolve and your convictions. I will simply say this. God created us to be sexual creatures. He created us to take pleasure in sex and it is our culture and politics and religion over many many years that has deemed it wrong, shameful and sinful. These beliefs have created sexual abuse, sexual abusers, sexual addictions and all sorts of dysfunction within relationships that will ultimately destroy not only that relationship but the very core of the person who tried to so hard to build their convictions around it. I no longer allow religion to dictate my life to me. My relationship with God is between me and God, not between me and some preacher or God Forbid, some fellow church-goer who thinks they should tell me how to live my life. There is a lot of abuse and a lot of dysfunction hidden behind religion and I wont be a part of it. That's my opinion. I am not in any way telling you that you should see things like I do, I am just telling you what I think and believe and how I live my life.
I hope you find the answers you are looking for and the person that makes you happy! You seem like an awesome guy and I hope you find what you have put so much of yourself into! | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 2:53:34 PM | I have no trouble with a cuddle and kissing. I am not interested in "going further" unless the object of my affection are on the same page regarding a relationship. In short I do not do friends with benefits, casual sex or sex for sport. I like to be clear from the start that I am not sexual with someone unless and until I care for him deeply and we are looking at a relationship. This takes time a lot of attention, talking and a lot of fun. I like kissing and cuddling but will limit any sexual activity unless there is an agreement about where sexual activity is taking us. Ie. a relationship. | |
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| Any Virgins or those practicing Celibacy
Posted: 10/21/2009 2:57:14 PM | Well, Ulysses, the reason that it's so hard to separate romance as you put it from sex is simply that they are inherently connected. I can only tell you what I learned over the years and what I believe. I think that this is probably by far the majority view as well.
First of all, sex is not an option. For you as an individual it may be although an uncomfortable one, but for us, mankind as a species, it's not. It's the survival of our species. For that reason we have developed rules, customs mores over the centuries to try and guarantee the best chance of survival for our offspring. Restrictions on who you should have sex with and under what circumstances basically derive from that.
In addition to that, most of us learn that sex is best, most enjoyable whith someone with whom you are connected, not only by physical attraction (which is easy) but emotionally, spiritually, intellectually. Thats what marriage is all about, or at least a good union should be.
Dating is our way of selecting our mates. If you look at these forums you will see an amazing variety of thing people look for or say they do, lol, but what it gets down to is do I connect with this person in many way so strongly that I would like to spend my life with him or her.
Marriage is a sexual relationship. At its core, that's what defines it. Choosing to marry someone normally means choosing them as an exclusive sexual partner for the rest of your life. It's not a casual promise. That's why most people want to see if they connect on that most important level as well as on the many others. It's pretty simple really.
This is not about sex as recreation. It's about a vital part of the bonding process.
Over the years I had a number of different partners. What I found out about sex was that the more connected, bonded to my partner I was the better the sexual intimacy became. It's not rocket science as they say. I think the religious, social cultural restrictions of sex to marriage mostly come from a time before reliable birth control and a time when women had a hard time even surviving alone, especially if she had children.
I think Flame is giving pretty good advice actually. I'm sort of laughing at myself really, remembering. Some 25 years ago I met a very attractive, woman shortly after breaking up with a long time girl friend. Like Flame and you she was and still is in fact a True Believer. We started dating and soon ended up in bed mostly at her instigation. I asked her about it long afterward actually, after we had been married for a year or so. I knew of course that she had been married and divorced for several years but wouldn't dream of sleeping around for fun. She just said, I just though I was falling in love with you and starting to think of you as a possible mate, and sex is just too important in marriage to be left to chance. I think most people now would agree. | |
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