| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/21/2009 11:46:19 PM | | Just a newbie on here, but it seems to me that even though people are meeting on this site, their profile doesn't indicate if their currently seeing anyone or dating? Do people continue searching for a BBD (Bigger Better Deal) to see if someone else better is about to come along? Can this type of site contribute to the "never satisfied" attitude, causing the end of an otherwise healthy relationship. I have been overwhelmed by emails and don't quite know how to tell people that that I'm not looking for another girl until I meet with this or that one to see if there is any spark! And...I don't want to miss meeting the right girl because I'm going on a date with someone else, so I guess I'm already into the BBD myself....geeezzz | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/22/2009 2:08:45 AM | I think we've all been faced with the same dilemma where you've had 2-3 dates with someone, think there might be long-term potential but it's too early to tell & too early to change your status on your profile. Your morals & value system won't allow you to date others, yet you don't want to turn them away because what if you end up turning away the one for you?
I am up front with everyone & tell them that I've just started seeing someone & until I know whether it will work out or not, I can't date anyone else. In most cases, the guys will suggest I add them to my favourites & contact them if my present situation doesn't work out.
I caught onto a few guys who were doing the BBD scene while dating me, hoping that we would turn into a long-term relationship but at the same time continuing to chat with other women so they'd have back-ups in case 'we' didn't work out. That pretty much told me how invested they were in us & about their characters. I don't believe you can truly focus on getting to know the person you're dating & have any chance at building a relationship with them if you have others on the back burner that you're chatting with at the same time. If I discover that the guy I'm seeing is doing this, he's history ... pretty simple really.
The only good relationship I had through POF was with a guy who decided he wasn't even going to log into POF at all after our first date (a relationship was imminent before we even met). Although he said he didn't mind if I stayed on POF because he knew I loved the forums & trusted me, I really had no desire for the site for the duration of our relationship.
I know there will be some who disagree with me but yes, I do believe that online dating sites can be addictive & can lead to the destruction of healthy relationships. I've seen it happen to friends & acquaintances when their partners couldn't let go of the site even after they had committed to a relationship. We are a greedy society & enough never seems to be enough for some.
Remember when we were young & would bump into someone by chance & end up dating them? We didn't continue searching but placed our focus on that one relationship. Dating was so much simpler then. Sigh .....  | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/22/2009 2:09:56 AM | Overwhelmed, are you? Take heart.
One man in a similar position as yourself was heard to
state his solution, to culling his many Hopeful Honeys:
He checks out their *Best Before* date stamp. | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/22/2009 9:56:23 AM | Excellent response and thank you! I just wondered if women are on the same page as the guys. I would think that if a person is dating someone, they shouldn't be chatting someone else up at the same time. I think the POF parties are a great way to meet with no pressure other than friendship and dancing...
dan | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:40:03 AM | Great post! Define "dating" ha ha. Define "chatting up"
I would certainly take it as an indicator of how serious a person is about me if he did not change his profile but then I wouldn't have to change mine and he'd be inhaling and coughing up dust. (well at least he'd be alive!)
I started to answer this two times but hey this made me think. For me, I'm a bit of a perfectionist - I like to have THE MOST PERFECT answer. The one that completely settles all aspects of an issue. Add to that the heebie jeebies after having failed relationships in the past and I am pretty scared of going for the wrong guy.
Top that off with the fact there are PLENTY of fish in the sea, and honestly PLENTY of really good, nice, eminently suitable men and PLENTY of beautiful, really sweet-hearted, eminently suitable women on here and it is very difficult for two people starting to get to know each other to stay focused on each other long enough to get to that point where that decision would be made. If you don't yank him/her right away, someone else will. If you leap into his/her boat too soon, the others all go fishing elsewhere.
It is a conundrum.
So the solution I propose to all the fishies in the world is that the guy should stick with sequential selection (after the initial meetings once he finds one that might fit) ; the girl should 'play the field' (chastely mind you) and the guy should only quit if he doesn't like her as he gets to know her better or when she strikes him out.
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/22/2009 11:09:27 AM | Can this type of site contribute to the "never satisfied" attitude
Absolutely. It's that kid in the candy store mentality; I refer to it as 'hedging your bets'.
Personally, I would rather know someone is exploring something with someone else, than have him string me along until he decides which one of us he wants . I know in most cases, this is not realistic on a dating site, but that is just me.
I have been overwhelmed by emails and don't quite know how to tell people that that I'm not looking for another girl until I meet with this or that one to see if there is any spark
You just said it, and you can respond to your emails along those same lines.
"Thank you for your email but I'm currently talking to someone that I'd like to focus on getting to know a little bit better. I don't feel it would be appropriate to start something new with anyone else at this time."
I know, I know. I live in a fantasy world. Maybe that's why I don't play the dating game?  | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/22/2009 11:14:36 AM |
Personlly, I would rather know someone is exploring something with someone else, than have him string me along until he decides which one of us he wants . I know in most cases, this is not realistic on a dating site, but that is just me.
If the person is "dating" or seeking "friends" he is exploring relationships with other women as well as you. If he is "dating exclusively" or "seeing you" or "in a relationship" with you then he is exploring YOU, hopefully he is exploring you fully.
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/22/2009 11:32:24 AM | | Great solution! Except for the "chastely" part...lol The hard part about the profile thing is that there is no ability to determine chemistry. You only know chemistry after that first meeting or that first kiss to be certain. Does playing the field mean talking to 20 other people at the same time... Yes, it is a conundrum and maybe there are no easy answers.. | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/22/2009 11:56:03 AM | If the person is "dating" or seeking "friends" he is exploring relationships with other women as well as you. If he is "dating exclusively" or "seeing you" or "in a relationship" with you then he is exploring YOU, hopefully he is exploring you fully.
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I don't believe that listing "dating" or "friends" means that you are not exclusive. I started out with "long term" as that is everyones ultimate goal, changed to "dating" when I realized there has to be a date before chemistry is revealed. Changed again to friends so that there is no expectations on anyones part.....but in all honesty, I have enough friends and it's all about finding my best friend. I just hate to hurt anyones feelings along the way and that's the big conundrum....Just because I have friends listed on my profile, does not mean that I'm interested in anyone else other than you. | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/22/2009 1:14:27 PM | I know, I know. I live in a fantasy world. Maybe that's why I don't play the dating game?
I know opinions may differ, but reading your post you project honesty. 
That may be a fantasy world for many...
OP, remain true to yourself and your goals, while keeping an open mind and heart kinda thing
good luck | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/22/2009 1:25:18 PM |
Yes the only right answer is that whatever you are doing, you are open about it. OK two right answers - and that you don't project what you think is right for you onto everyone else. It WOULD make it easier if everyone followed the same rules, though...
And if everyone was checking chemistry with everyone we could become well used in no time flat!
Yeah. It is not an easy question at all. Excellent topic. | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/22/2009 8:07:00 PM |
hopefully he is exploring you fully
... likes to be filled with my man's 'exploration'.
but in all honesty, I have enough friends and it's all about finding my best friend.
Likewise. The question of what to stick in that box ( ) is what is your end goal? My end goal is to find my best friend, a together forever lifetime mate, so I put down long-term. Yes, I know that you have to start with dating & friendship first, but I personally think that box was not meant to indicate where your starting point is but what you were seeking when you came to this site.
Dating? If I see 'dating' on a profile, then I assume the guy has no interest in a long-term relationship & just enjoys dating different women, which many do, unless he specifically mentions in his profile that he hopes to find long-term.
Friendship? I didn't sign onto this site to find more friends because I have POF (Plenty of Friends). However, if I end up meeting people by chance who end up as friends, which I have, then that's a bonus. But my main goal is still to find that one ... just one for a long-term commitment. | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/23/2009 11:37:09 PM | | No I haven't tried extenzz yet but I think it's akin to "snake oil"...well, maybe I will try it..lol I might be weird but I think that the POF site is like walking into a bar with a date and then spending your time looking around the pub for the BBD. It's disrespectful in real life and I would hate to think that some gal I messaged is busy juggling a half dozen other guys. I would want her to be exclusive with me as long as were even talking about a relationship. I think once the first serious date begins, POF should end (except for forums) and both of you should be off the market. There is no issue with going back online if either party decides there is no hope...I think there is always a better picture, better profile, better bullsh#t, and if that fails...there is always extenzz... | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/24/2009 1:49:34 AM | OH...
Me theArtist...the man
have You TRIED it???
My belief in the attendance at a POF function is that EVERY guy should dance with/talk with EVERY gal...just get brave and CIRCULATE!...
that way every single person there has golden moments!
I think that the Dalai Lama would like that
Exclusive? put a ring in yer nose fer ta be yanked! | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/24/2009 9:59:45 AM | Just to save typing, I'm shortening your handle to MeetarTi
*No, I haven't tried the extendeezzz .....
OP it sounds like you are getting the hang of things just fine. Many people put friendship on their profile eventually, because it just makes sense. The expectation when you meet someone is that there is an opportunity for something more, once you have established whether you would like to be friends.
I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be getting out and enjoying walks and coffees with lots of new wonderful fishies until you decide that one of them is someone you would like to see in a dating aspect, and they have agreed. At that time your profile should probably reflect a change.
Everyone wants to hurry the process along, but can you without taking the time...... | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/24/2009 1:04:41 PM |
has anyone here tryed those extendzzzzzz pills
Nope, I haven't tried it yet, but perhaps you could enlighten me on exactly what part of me would be extended if I decided to try it. 
My belief in the attendance at a POF function is that EVERY guy should dance with/talk with EVERY gal...just get brave and CIRCULATE!
I agree, but I think those who are dating but still attending events should wear some sort of "I'm spoken for" I.D. I also think there should be some sort of universal I.D. for people who are single & looking, so that when they're out running errands, socializing with friends, etc. anyone who is interested will know they're on the market & will feel more comfortable approaching them to chat & see if there's any connection. How many times have you seen someone while grocery-shopping that peaked your interest but you didn't approach them because you didn't know if they were single & available?
daniel425: your msg 15 ... I completely agree with everything you've said. It's refreshing to hear this coming from a guy 'cause whenever I've brought it up with anyone, I was told that only insecure people would feel uncomfortable with their partner continuing to play on POF. This is a dating site & when you are no longer on the market & have found someone who captures your interest, then it's time to focus on that. IMO, if people in relationships play on dating sites or even attend singles events, they are playing with fire ... IMO that is.
My b/f of 6 years & I attended those parents without partners dances a few times. We were there only because there was an awesome band playing & we danced only with each other, but the minute he left my side for the washroom or up to the bar to get us drinks, several guys who had been eyeballing me throughout the evening, would rush over & start hounding me for my phone # or asking me to dance. (Yes, I told them I was in a relationship & turned them down.) My b/f had women hitting on him too but I know he was 100% committed to me & never accepted any offers from them. But there are many relationships that are sitting in vulnerable positions & open to indiscretions.
I know several people who remained on dating sites after they had met their partners, some with their partner's knowledge & some without. One engagement was broken as a result & the other marriage/live-in relationships continued but the trust was lost. This is a real life scenario btw. While many couples are able to make it work, there is always a risk involved. For me personally, if I meet someone who makes my heart soar, I will treasure my partner & our relationship & not take any risks to damage or lose what we have. | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/24/2009 3:10:17 PM | I have been on and off this site since Dec. 2005. At first, my mentality was that if I met a wonderful man and we hit it off, that I would continue to be on the site because of the events and the friends I have made.
I now realize that to do that, jeopardizes the couples relationship.
My belief now that if you are lucky enough to find that rare love, you both should agree to get off this site as quickly as possible and give it every chance to work. I have seen 2 couples fall in love and marry from this site. The successful ones are the couples that are no longer on it, but are out there away from POF living their lives....
If I met and started dating a wonderful man, and he felt the same, you would no longer see me on this site..... | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/24/2009 4:43:39 PM | ^^^^^
Msg #17
I'm with you on this one. One coffee does not a relationship make, in my book anyway.
A while back, I happened to have 2 coffee first "dates" on consecutive evenings (only time that has ever happened *laugh*). While out with "date #2", #1 left a sarcastic msg accusing me of "dating" someone else. That was the last coffee (or anything else), that we shared!! Sadly, date #2 turned out to be another story....even giving this fellow a second chance didn't work out either. Oh well, back to the pond
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/24/2009 9:03:54 PM | It appears to me that people on this site are always in the frame of mind that the grass is always greener on the other side. It may be that they like to keep some on the back burner in case the fore runner turns out to be a dud!
Me personally as soon as the indicator has shown, See ya outta there! I don't play second fiddle to anyone. | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/25/2009 2:23:23 PM | | ^^ It's what it is, not divorced and seperated long enough to be looking. Besides, it's my story and anyone fortunate enough to meet me will be informed. Get it Alta! Another thing, trying to meet a match online is proving to be like hitting the lotto! | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/25/2009 4:14:31 PM | | That's the reason that this topic is so touchy....shouldn't have broached this on my first post!! The BBD is a difficult subject and eventually people have to decide when to stop looking. The vows says for better or for worse...not if something better comes along or if things don't work out... The problem is when to decide when it is time to stop looking for a BBD replacement... | |
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| What's up with the BBD (Bigger Better Deal)?
Posted: 10/25/2009 9:45:06 PM | ^^^^^#24
Thanks for the clarification. Unfortunately, some fishies like to call themselves "separated", when in fact they are still attached , just checking out the pond for something better  | |
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