| I wrote a novel... I need editors
Posted: 10/22/2009 7:03:48 AM | Hi,
After nearly 3 weeks on here and only one potential, (which I initiated) that hasnt just disappeared on me, I decided to rewrite my whole profile. Following the guide and all the tips on here, I ended up with 9 paragraphs, a page and a half in MS word. It feels like its too long but on the other hand I cant decide what to cut and still be honest with myself. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks. | |
|
| I wrote a novel... I need editors
Posted: 10/22/2009 7:09:39 AM | Yes, you have too much. Try to squeeze everything that's the most important to you into three or four short paragraphs. Maybe they aren't messaging you because there is nothing more to learn. They already have your autobiography on hand.
And, get out there and message them! Maybe they're just too shy to initiate anything. And, women still like being chased, that's never gonna change.. lol
Good luck in your search.  | |
|
| I wrote a novel... I need editors
Posted: 10/22/2009 7:16:32 AM | If you get rid of the negative stuff it'll be two thirds shorter. Stop complaining about being broke - that reads "undatable."
This is an advertisement, not a confessional. Treat it as such. | |
|
| I wrote a novel... I need editors
Posted: 10/22/2009 8:08:12 AM | Your main problem is that you are redundant, plaintive, and plaintively redundant.
Also, too many repeated details. Listing every single artist you're into probably isn't necessary. Saying you're a country boy with an eco-friendly side isn't that abnormal, and most people get the message without you beating the point again and again about heavy machinery, etc.
So I did a quick edit for you. You can think of this as something to start with; but for God's sake, don't ADD to it... try to pare it down to 4 paragraphs or so.
"I like to think of myself as a common-sense country boy with an eco-friendly side. I like big pickup trucks, running heavy machinery and alternative energy. Had my first jobs as an operator when I was 16, bought myself a Bobcat loader when I was 18, hoping to parlay it into a business. I still own it and can take you for a ride anytime!
I'd love to have a hobby farm someday, lots of land, woods, fields. Somewhere big enough to ride ATVs, have a tractor, a couple of animals, and grow some veggies. I like big draft breeds, would like to own one someday, and maybe even start an eco-logging business. I think Tibetan Yaks would be a fun hobby/pasture pet. I really enjoy cruising/trail riding on four-wheelers. Currently though, Im looking for a girl with a 2-up.
I drive a stick shift pickup truck and a woman that can do the same and takes pride in it Right now I have a Dakota 4x4, though Id prefer to have a Ford diesel flatbed if I could afford it. Im slowly learning more about how to work on my truck (I even bought a used factory service manual lol). So if you’re the type that’s so inclined, Im always willing to learn.
I like Modern Marvels and Dirty Jobs and stuff on ancient history. As far as movies go, I typically enjoy comedies, some of my favorites: Smokey and the Bandit, Stripes, Oh Brother Where Art Thou, The Big Lebowski, Boondock Saints and Escanaba in da Moonlight.
I love NPR on Saturdays, Click and Clack and Michael Feldman in the morning, and Garrison Keillor in the evening. I have one of The Car Guys "Car Tunes" albums and love it. I love what I consider classic country and rock, Willie and Waylon, Charlie Daniels, Merle, Hank Jr, Rolling Stones, Grateful Dead, etc... I think my favorite love song is Fearless Heart by Steve Earle (I've always wanted to have someone to feel that way about)."
Divide and conquer, amigo. | |
|
| I wrote a novel... I need editors
Posted: 10/22/2009 12:11:49 PM | Save the really personal stuff for after a meeting or you'll scare everyone away!!
This is my edit, hope it helps
"I like to think of myself as a common-sense country boy with an eco-friendly side. I like big pickup trucks, I love running heavy machinery. I’m also a very back-to-the-land, farm-to-table, alternative energy kinda guy. One time I described myself as a walking conundrum on my Facebook and my friends don’t disagree.
Yes, I still live at home. If you consider that pathetic or a turn-off you may feel free to leave now. I love my family, they're everything to me. My full time job for the time being is maintaining our house, and helping my mom take care of my dad and grandfather.
Im not opposed to going out to the bar, but Im not really a huge fan and I don’t really drink... I do enjoy good food though. If you’re the type that likes the bar you’re welcome to try to change my opinion ;)
As nerdy as it might sound, I love NPR on Saturdays. The majority of music I enjoy, the artists are shunned by corporate radio, at least around here. I love what I consider classic country, Willie and Waylon, Charlie Daniels, Merle, Hank Jr.. I like alot of country that doesn’t get much airplay and I like classic rock and country/rock, ZZ Top, Lynyrd Skynyrd, Rolling Stones, Grateful Dead, Warren Zevon, etc. I think my favorite love song is Fearless Heart by Steve Earle (Ive always wanted to have someone to feel that way about).
As Charlie Daniels once said so well "If you don’t like the way Im livin, just leave this long haired country boy alone" | |
|
| I wrote a novel... I need editors
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:23:02 PM | | Okay, so Ive over hauled it, shortened it, I know Im probably still too long. I feel its better, but I keep getting lots of "Read, Deleted". Even had one, I sent the message, went back 2 hours later and the persons profile was gone! I dunno, when I send messages, I try and be at least a little witty, maybe make a nice or funny comment about one of their pic or something? Is this bad technique? Anywho, Im just lookin for opinions about my latest update. | |
|
| I wrote a novel... I need editors
Posted: 11/6/2009 1:57:58 PM | Here's my opinion. I fail at editing this post, so if it's atrocious, hang tight while I clean it up.
Even though I currently live in suburbia, I like to think of myself as a common-sense country boy with an eco-friendly side.
I think of myself as a common-sense country boy with an eco-friendly side.
I love running heavy machinery, had my first jobs as an operator when I was 16, bought myself a Bobcat loader when I was 18, hoping to parlay it into a business.
I love running heavy machinery, had my first job as an operator when I was 16 and bought myself a Bobcat loader when I was 18.
Unless you have parlayed it into a business already, you can drop it -- preference, though. Later, you talk about running other businesses. Your profile is who you are, not one of several futures you may or may not have.
Im also a very back-to-the-land, farm-to-table, alternative energy kinda guy.
See if you can dig up some words to replace the really-long-hyphenated-thingies.
I love my family, they're everything to me. My full time job for the time being is maintaining our house, and helping my mom take care of my dad and grandfather.
Says you may have family issues and might not be stable enough to have a relationship at the moment. Talk about this during a date, or reword it so it sounds productive/charitable as opposed to waiting out the death of your family.
Im pretty much an STNA plus RT and PT.
Call me uneducated; I don't know what this means.
Im looking for an outdoorsy girl.
outdoor
Im not opposed to going out to the bar, but Im not really a huge fan and I don’t really drink... I’ll make an exception for a bar with good food though.
Scrap that. If she wants to meet at a bar for a drink, you can tell her you don't drink, but would be glad to grab a pop/soda/cola/bite to eat.
I drive a stick shift pickup truck and if you can do the same, that’s big points with me. Right now I have a Dakota 4x4, Im going to have a Ford diesel flatbed once I get out in the country.
Condense. You drive a Dakota 4x4 and, if she can drive stick, big points...
Also, when are you getting out in the country? If you have no idea, you might want to scrap that. She already has the idea that you like trucks n stuff from your heavy machinery stuff earlier.
Im slowly learning more about how to work on my truck (I even bought a used factory service manual lol). So if you’re the type that’s so inclined, Im always willing to learn.
Slowly learning = teaching yourself. Change "So if" to "If"...actually, that sentence is confusing anyways. Inclined to what? Teach you how to fix a truck? Learn with you?
If you're mechanically inclined, could you lend me a hand?
However, aren't you into heavy machinery? It might be counterproductive to say you don't know how to fix up an engine, but want to run a business operating something fully dependent on a stable engine.
Im planning to have a hobby farm someday, lots of land, woods, fields. Something big enough to ride ATVs, have a tractor, a couple of animals, and grow some veggies. Horses, I like big draft breeds, definitely want to own one someday... to ride, and maybe even start an eco-logging business. I think Tibetan Yaks would be a fun hobby/pasture pet. I really enjoy cruising/trail riding on four-wheelers. Currently though, Im looking for a girl with a 2-up... or a side-by-side.
Change this into a dream. Planning to have a hobby farm someday doesn't sound realistic. Not only that, but you mention running a business on it - that's not a hobby. Owning lots of land is the American Dream - always has been and always will be. Raising huge animals like horses and yaks isn't exactly a hobby, either. Ant farms might be hobbies.
What's a 2-up or a side-by-side? She might think "I can't afford one of those, so why waste my time with him?"
I don’t watch a whole lot of TV, but I like Modern Marvels and Dirty Jobs and stuff on ancient history. I like No Reservations too.
When I watch TV, it tend to be...these shows. Much less negative.
The majority of music I enjoy, the artists are shunned by corporate radio, at least around here.
My music taste lies with these types of artists...
Willie and Waylon, CDB, Steve Earle, Tom Russell, Ry Cooder, Emmylou Harris, John Hiatt. | |
|
| I wrote a novel... I need editors
Posted: 11/6/2009 2:28:02 PM | Hi Owen,
I'm late to the game, but I did get a chance to read your current profile.
It's not bad, but I think it might lack your personality; everything seems a bit factual, as if you are completing an application. If you could find a way to convey your enthusiasm about the things that are important to you, I think it would draw people in more.
For example, What are your aspirations for when you have your business? How do you hope to achieve getting to the point of owning such a business? What specific type of alternative energy do you currently utilize?
_
I think it's really cool that you are taking care of your family the way you are! That shows a level of respect and care that can sometimes be rare today in men your age. Living with your parents may produce some hesitation among young women who read your profile; but then again, it may not be a big deal at all. Also, spend a few words letting the girl know *why* your family is held in high regard (do this as part of your sentence where you mention you live at home).
[Im pretty much an STNA plus RT and PT. ]
What do these initials mean? It may be helpful to use the actual words versus the abbreviations in your profile.
_
[Currently though, Im looking for a girl with a 2-up... or a side-by-side.]
Is this a non-negotiable? If so, keep it in; however, if you do keep it in, know that any one who doesn't have a 2-up or a side-by-side will most likely not respond.
_
There's also a couple of punctuation and grammatical errors that could be corrected.
_
My only other suggestion (and this is an important one) is that you would have a photo or two of you smiling! :)
Corners of lips turned up and teeth showing . . . that kind of smiling. Think of a joke that really gets you every time; and then snap the picture! Then, make that smiling photo your main photo. Then, change clothes and location and take another one of you smiling. You're a good-looking guy, but your photos are a bit somber. The somberness over-powers the good looks, as well as the profile.
Put on Lynard Skynard's "Simple Man" or perhaps Willie & Waylon's "If I Can Find a Clean Shirt", turn up the volume and get crankin' on your new profile!
~JLS | |
|
| I wrote a novel... I need editors
Posted: 11/6/2009 3:54:51 PM |
I keep getting lots of "Read, Deleted". Even had one, I sent the message, went back 2 hours later and the persons profile was gone! Your experience is typical. Guys with good profiles report about 10% response rate. Remember that there are far more men than women here in your age group so it's going to be difficult to get responses.
I dunno, when I send messages, I try and be at least a little witty, maybe make a nice or funny comment about one of their pic or something? Is this bad technique? This is a good technique. Once you send the e-mail just forget about it. If you get a response back, you'll be pleasantly surprised. | |
|
| I wrote a novel... I need editors
Posted: 11/6/2009 4:35:28 PM | Well Im glad to hear that Im at least doing something right lol. Though, as happens more often than not with my writings, I see Ive tried to convey more than is necessary in ways that dont actually do what I want them to...
Im pretty much an STNA plus RT and PT.
Stands for State Tested Nursing Assistant ( basically the pee-ons that do the heavy lifting in a hospital/nursing environment), Respiratory Therapist and Physical Therapist. Im not acually any of these things from a licenced standpoint, but they are essentially the capacities I serve, along with my mom and sister, helping take care of my family. I had noticed that there seemed to be alot of women mention medical professions and I figured if they knew cool, and if they didnt they'd ask, or not, whatever.
Im slowly learning more about how to work on my truck (I even bought a used factory service manual lol). So if you’re the type that’s so inclined, Im always willing to learn.
I am mecanically inlined, or else I wouldnt be in this trade. I was trying to construe that know much more about wrenching on bulldozers than I do about working on cars and trucks. I do know a bit about working on cars and would like to know more, just wanted to let all those female mechanics out there (and Ive seen a couple on here), that I dont discriminate ;)
The whole hobby farm thing (and thats what its often referred to when youre just in it at the local farmers market level, and not a big commercial outfit) was to say to the country girls out there (who are alot of who Id like to attract) that hey, I have plans, and wants, I dont care for this suburban life that Ive been dealt and want to get me and my family out of here as soon as our medical situation will let us.
The last sentence refers to two styles of two person ATVs, 2-up being front-to-back like a motorcycle, and side by side being just that, like a big off-road golf cart. And no, its not necessary, I was just trying to cleverly and politely convey to the other women out there that do too, that I like it but I dont have my own at the moment.
So once again, Im too witty and subtle for my own good... Im still working on my next version... I'll probably be here most of the night lol | |
|
| I wrote a novel... I need editors
Posted: 11/6/2009 5:52:47 PM | See how the edit below suits you. It covers almost everything, just a little condensed and with a more positive spin. The little bit that is cut out just gives you something to talk about later. Don’t be too hard on yourself for having few responses. You are aware that you are not a main-stream kind of guy; and it’s going to take someone as individualistic as you are to match up with you. Also, there are a lot of us that don't log-in regularly, it may take time before they see your email. There’s no stopwatch on finding your match, it takes time to find the right person. Keep your chin up, she’s out there somewhere! (oh, and the advice from the other poster about adding a photo with you smiling is a good idea too.) Good luck with your search!
----------------------------------------
My passion is running and working on heavy machinery. I’ve loved it since I was a teenager and even tried to start my own business when I was 18. I’m an earthy, eco-friendly country boy who would love to have a hobby farm someday, lots of land, woods, fields…something big enough to ride ATVs, have a tractor, a couple of animals, and grow some veggies and pasture a draft horse to ride. I think Tibetan Yaks would be a fun hobby/pasture pet too. I have an entrepreneurial spirit and may try to start an eco-logging business. I really enjoy cruising/trail riding on four-wheelers. Bring your 2-up, or a side-by-side and we’ll make a day of it! My long range goals are temporarily on hold though, as I am helping my mother care for the medical needs of my father and grandfather. I love my family. They're everything to me, so I don’t mind that my full time job, for the time being, is maintaining our household and being a caregiver.
I’m looking for an outdoorsy girl; somebody that doesn’t mind getting dirty, be it horses, cars, quads, hunting, whatever; then at the end of the day, snuggling up fireside, and toasting marshmallows. I’m not much into the bar scene or drinking in general, but I’ll make an exception for a bar with good food if that’s your thing.
I don’t watch a whole lot of TV, but I like Modern Marvels and Dirty Jobs, ancient history programs and No Reservations. For movies, I prefer comedies, like Smokey and the Bandit, Stripes, Oh Brother Where Art Thou, The Big Lebowski, The Boondock Saints and Escanaba in da Moonlight, and sometimes Michael Moore or Morgan Spurlock just to mix things up a bit ;) I love listening to NPR, Click and Clack, Michael Feldman, Garrison Keillor. For music, I enjoy Willie and Waylon, CDB, Steve Earle, Tom Russell, Ry Cooder, Emmylou Harris, John Hiatt, plus classics like Skynyrd, the Stones, the Dead, Warren Zevon, etc. My favorite love song is probably Fearless Heart by Steve Earle (I’ve always wanted to have someone to feel that way about).
If you want to know more, please feel free to message me any time. | |
|
| |
| |
| I wrote a novel... I need editors
Posted: 11/7/2009 2:04:10 PM | I've never seen one profile get so many voluntary rewrites! They luv ya, kiddo.
Now about the pictures....
Got anything where you're not in your bedroom? Anything on any of the big rigs? Even a picture of you sitting outside on a park bench? This is the time of year for the most colourful outdoor shots. Get out there with a friend and a camera, or even pass the camera to a stranger and pretend you're a tourist, but get some full body outdoor shots and another closer up smiling head/shoulders shot for the main image. | |
|
| I wrote a novel... I need editors
Posted: 11/7/2009 4:54:22 PM |
I've never seen one profile get so many voluntary rewrites! They luv ya, kiddo.
Me either, certainly seems that way lol. I am eternally grateful for all the assistance and advice Ive gotten. Thank you all. | |
|
|
Home
login 
