| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 9:22:22 AM | I am out of a three year relationship with someone. I was hoping to get others opinion as to how naive I either am, or how stupid I can be..
My problem is we seperated a year ago and a month after him moving out he was lving with another woman. I learned and moved on. But he continues to contact me several times saying that he still loves me and that he wants to work it out. Then I gave in and we spent the day together with his and my kids and everything was great until, he just up and decided that he didnt want to answer his phone again.. Ok so no its become a once every two month thing were we go throgh this over and over again he says he cares about me now.. but he dont want to be with me.
I would greatly apprciate some insight. I just don't understand men period.... | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 9:26:34 AM | | You say you "learned and moved on". Really? What did you learn? And any moving you have done has been in a circular manner. You need to understand yourself before you have any hope of understanding another person. That's a task best done without the distractions this former lover brings to the table. | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 9:26:50 AM | | OP, come on now. This is easy to understand. He wants you as a back up. I'll bet dollars to donuts he was seeing the woman he moved in with before you two ever broke up. He is a player, a liar and a cheater. Cut him off and move on already. | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 9:27:36 AM | First: Not a "man" issue.
Second: Sounds as though you're contributing to this dysfunctional cycle. Neither right or wrong... you two don't belong together... period.
Third: What do your children think?
Yeah ~ not healthy.  | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 9:27:52 AM | He gets away with getting what he wants from you (attention, at the very least), and not having to "pay" for it (giving you what you'd like in return).
Logically speaking, if he gets what he wants and doesn't have to pay for it...why wouldn't he do that?
you can control this, by not giving in. first, ask yourself what do you get, when you give in? and what is it you really want to get? what is the difference between these two? One is important to you, the other isn't so much.
If what you get, is attention and validation of your worth, then notice that him getting your attention...is validation of his own worth. you two share this in common, which is probably why you two lasted 3 years, rather than drive each other crazy.
Not that this is a great thing, as you imagine...it leads to the "relationship" you have right now....so, work on your self-identity, appreciating what you see in the mirror, and then you'll find behavior like this unattractive--and you'll be able to say no to time wasters. | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 9:30:13 AM | There ARE some men out there who know what they want. And they will work to keep it happy healthy and thriving.
I care about a lot of people, that I wouldn't want to be with them. But I'm not in a relationship with them. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that I think that this man was controlling in your relationship. Or he was a liar and a sneak. Think back and look over your time together.
YOU deserve better than this, and so do your children, and his. And to being someone's kids in and out of your family's lives, is confusing. Who IS it good for ?
Healthy Relationships are about healthy choices. | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 9:33:57 AM | | You know I understand that but the point of the matter is I am not the one contacting him he is contacting me.. So I think that yes it is going in circular motion, but I don't understand why you think that it is me moving that way.. | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 9:37:25 AM |
You know I understand that but the point of the matter is I am not the one contacting him he is contacting me.. So I think that yes it is going in circular motion, but I don't understand why you think that it is me moving that way..
Interesting take. You do realize that you can say 'No' when he makes these bi-monthly calls? He may be leading the way, but you are following. Stop following. Next time he calls say 'No'. And stick to it. The first step is the hardest. | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:02:37 AM | whats not too love about it. 
we go throgh this over and over again he says he cares about me now.. but he dont want to be with me.
Repeat after me.....
he says he cares about me now.. but he dont want to be with me.
he says he cares about me now.. but he dont want to be with me.
he says he cares about me now.. but he dont want to be with me.
Whats not to understand. | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:09:12 AM | | Because you give him what he wants without any effort on his part, he just has to contact you and tell you some lies and there you are, ready & willing. Why wouldn't he keep hitting you up. Why in the world are you involving your kids in this mess???? Block his calls, change your number, don't answer his calls or listen to his messages, etc., whatever, don't be in contact with him, unless you don't want this once-a-month booty call to stop. What does it mean, it's means he finds you easily available no matter how badly or indifferently he treats you. | |
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1jamez
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Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 12 | |
| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:33:00 AM | You are neither naive nor dumb but fell victim to the abyss of circumstance and destiny none of us can anticipate. One of the greatest lessons and life skills one might acquired is that not only can the totally unexpected possibly happen, it actually does.
Does this mean everyone should cold heartedly embrace the loss of a loved one to reduce risk?
Three years obviously didn't furnish what you anticipated let alone thirty or more for others. This is the problem with modern dating with most having undergone this once bitten twice shy syndrome yet all seek the same trusting in contradiction.
Anyways, women adapt exponentially faster than men. There are traits relative to lesser vertebrae that differentiate each gender's actions to a considerable degree too. Same stimuli, different response. No wonder you are confused. =)
Even though it may be challenging to anticipate the opposite gender's responses, overall venus and mars share the common traits of being planets to limit the difficulties. You might also infer a great deal more than you give yourself credit for with the added benefit of female intuition.
Even in simplest terms, it does not sound too complex... you want him for more than he wants you, or you want him for an aggregate of things he does not want you for as the bottom line. Right?
To further complicate, his claiming to still love you and wanting to work it runs totally contrary to his very actions by contacting or seeing you even less.. he keeps in touch, only to disclose he does not want to be with you thereafter. Is this under the guise of honesty to alleviate guilt, or mixed signals which equate to the same bottom line whether you consider what he says or not over his actions. sounds pretty simple to me.
Why let him control the environment to possibly serve his purpose with contradictions that time exposes more clearly. Why be a puppet at his mercy.
In between all those months I hope you have not been sitting around waiting or pining wasting your time or dwelling on the past 3 years.
No blank stare here, what more insight might you need? Friends are friends but more requires common cooperation and understanding from both ends. Which is it? Friends or more so you can move on.
If this still provides no insight for you, it is probably because I am a man =) Good luck, we all live, and may these lesson not harden one single gentler gender's soul for the all the brainless**** out there who were given their very life by one of them. =) | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:33:51 AM | This is not a healty situation for you or your kids---yo yo ing back and forth with this guy. Once, when I ended a long term relationship (moved out and got my own place) we continued to 'date' for a year. The difference is that neither he nor I dated or lived with someone else. It's difficult to end something if you still care about each other and are comfortable with each other. Thing is, you may be comfortable with each other, and you, OP, may care for him, but he doesn't care about you: if he did, he would not be living with someone else and using you to comfort himself every couple of months.
Please, end it finally. Move on. You need to take care of yourself and your kids. This guy doesn't love you anymore. Loving him isn't good for you. | |
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1jamez
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Joined: 3/21/2009
Msg: 14 | |
| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:36:23 AM | | sorry ...I didn't realize the abbreviation for Charles was a profane taboo here in the event anyone thought I exercised terms that would make a hardened criminal cower. =) | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:55:31 AM | Becareful of STDs, that's how they get spread...
You get them from which person? you will never know... | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 10:56:49 AM | | move on and keep the kids out of it...so many other men out there to be wasting even another second just thinking about that guy... | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 11:16:49 AM |
Becareful of STDs, that's how they get spread...
You get them from which person? you will never know... Good point. Agree. | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 11:25:49 AM | It's hard to let go of someone because you've
convinced yourself if only he'd change he'd
be perfect.
But in the end...when people show you who they
are..pay attention. | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 11:30:49 AM | Sounds like he comes around every month or so looking for sex. You facilitate his hot-and-cold behavior by allowing it to happen. If you don't like what's happening, tell him and back up your words with your actions. Otherwise you've got noone to blame for your woes but yourself. Good luck.  | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 11:50:41 AM | Because HE wants to screw the two of you. He wants to have his family and his bit on the side. Why should he stop calling? You keep answering the phone and listening to his line of crap. You make it easy for him to cheat and come home like a dog.
If you want to get back together with your husband you need to set some ground rules.
Therapy both individually for him and as a couple. He needs to live apart from you and NOT with his girlfriend for at least a year in order to prove his intentions. He cannot contact you until he has moved out and completed at least some therapy. He may date you but not sleep over until the year is up.
I guarantee if you put your foot down he will run like hell he cannot live up to those kind of demands. When you finally realize he has been playing both of you, you will then be able to move on. | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 12:35:35 PM |
he says he cares about me now.. but he dont want to be with me.
'Nuff said.... c ya!
(In two months I would have forgotten his name) | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 12:40:49 PM | | Sorry but ground rules and therapy wont work. His attitude sounds very ingrained in his nature, while he is ON with you he is Off with the other woman, then when he is OFF with you he is ON with her. He enjoys having a place to go when the whim strikes him and both of you women are being played like a harp. | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 4:03:55 PM | He is living with the woman he loves and wants to be with. He shows with his actions exactly what he wants. He is getting what he wants---you as a diversion when he
is bored and wants to see someone else behind his live in girlfriend's back.
He is a jerk for cheating on his girlfriend with you. And he is misleading you and stringing you along probably for his ego. Stop all contact with him. He is using you. | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 4:09:14 PM | | Your guy just sounds very conflicted. He either wants you and is willing to do everything to make it work or he is not. And it sounds like he is not. Move on as the sea is full of fish just waiting to be caught! | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 5:11:56 PM | | Dear sister: You are the one who opens and closes the door. You are the one who takes his call. Don't leave it to him-now it's up to YOU to love you! | |
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| Opinions and Honesty wanted!!!!
Posted: 10/22/2009 8:51:52 PM |
I am out of a three year relationship with someone. I was hoping to get others opinion as to how naive I either am, or how stupid I can be..
My problem is we seperated a year ago and a month after him moving out he was lving with another woman. I learned and moved on. But he continues to contact me several times saying that he still loves me and that he wants to work it out. Then I gave in and we spent the day together with his and my kids and everything was great until, he just up and decided that he didnt want to answer his phone again.. Ok so no its become a once every two month thing were we go throgh this over and over again he says he cares about me now.. but he dont want to be with me.
I would greatly apprciate some insight. I just don't understand men period....
He enjoyed your sex.
Or there is something else that you did for him that his current GF doesn't do. Either way, the day that the two of you spent together, he told his GF that he would be busy all day doing... well whatever. So, he is now a cheater.
Move on. | |
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