| "I Don't Need A Man..", "I very Independent"..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 1:26:24 PM | Interesting how many of the ladies here looking for a long term relationship put in their profile " I don't need a man... I want a man...blah, blah, blah.." I am independent ... and can do blah blah on my own etc etc", "I am happy with my life the way it is.. but.." etc etc etc!!.
Well, am I the only one who sees such statements as RED flags? Guys know that you are independent anyway. Thats what we want. We know you don't need a man (neither do we necessarily need a woman). Hence these statements come out as very confrontational.
How does one build a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP with someone who doesn't need you anyway? | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 1:40:23 PM | | I definately see your point of view on this one. It is almost by saying it that they are trying to convince themselves that they are independent. I think the problem is that you assume that all women are independent and that is not the truth. Just like all men are not independent. I think what these women are trying to say is that they are looking for someone but have more respect for themselves then to go after the first man that spends money on me. That they are looking for someone who is in the same place financially AND emotionally. That they are not going to expect a man to take care of them, because they can take care of themselves. It does come off a litle confrontational. I think of it this way, in my experience the men that have bragged and talked about how good they are in bed are usually the worst at it. This statement might be on the same lines. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 1:58:05 PM | | Hey...I'm one of those independent women. The thing is that I may not need a man...I want one. I'm just not "needy" about it and don't figure it's the end of the world if I don't have one as so many women seem to (or vice versa re men "needing" a woman). Being independent isn't a character flaw or a so called "red flag"; it's knowing that your independence is attractive to certain types of individuals. Some men find a clinging vine attractive and others find the more independent qualities more to their liking. What works for me is being with a man who also exhibits independent qualities. It doesn't equate to them being cold and disinterested - to the contrary. Some of us just prefer more autonomy than others require. The great thing is that there are any number of variations of independence or neediness that is suitable in varying degrees to suit everyone. The trick is in finding and/or recognizing those that meet your acceptable levels. In other words "somone for everyone" isn't just a phrase - it's reality. If you don't like someone who's independent, great...go find someone who isn't. Don't tar and feather those who don't meet your own personal requirements. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 2:17:31 PM |
How does one build a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP with someone who doesn't need you anyway? The long term relationship consists of the daily affirmation of the goal of never needing you. The anniversaries celebrate the passing of another year of not needing you. You get notes in your lunch that say sweet things like, "I didn't have to make you this sandwich." | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 2:21:16 PM | Ah yes, wants vs. needs. I'd like to have someone to share my life with (a want). Do I need one? Nope. All I need to do is breathe and pay taxes. And the taxes part is negotiable.
I have read so many forum posts about not wanting clingy women or drama. Isn't the opposite of clingy independent? Can't have it both ways.
ANYTHING can be a red flag is you look at it hard enough. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 2:39:56 PM | Well I think it matters how a woman says or expresses her indepence. I am very independant, and I happen to feel I dont need a lot in life but there is a LOT I want.
I have a decent job, I come and go as I please I am not needy or clingy but if I like someone I want to spend time with them. And so if a woman is using her independence as a shield to keep men away or to keep them from getting hurt then that isnt so great .. But personally I feel a patient, independant woman is actually awesome for a man who can understand her.
^T^ | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 2:51:48 PM | If you paint everyone who makes that statement with the same brush then you aren't being very fair.
I don't have that information listed on my profile, but I am independent which to me means that I can take care of myself financially without needing someone else to support me (ie: gold digger).
In todays society, other than to procreate, who does need a man? The simple answer to that is someone who doesn't feel like a whole person without one. Someone who bases their self worth on being in a relationship with someone, sometimes anyone.
Wouldn't you want to be with someone who WANTS to be with you vs. NEEDS to be with you? A choice vs. a necessity? Someone who if the chips are down can also help to carry your load rather than fall apart or take off to find the next man who can take care of them because they are unable to stand on their own two feet.
Just because someone is independent doesn't mean that they aren't able to commit wholeheartedly to someone they fall in love with and eventually need them in their life because they make each other better and compliment their lives. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 2:58:02 PM | I agree with Shaitan. I have been known in the past to say 'I don't need a man' and it was a defense mechanism...not made to mislead or anything, mainly to try and protect myself.
Now, my views and feelings have changed. Admitting you would like to have a man/boyfriend etc isn't a sign of weakness.
I think alot of people who say it actually mean that they're quite content with their life, job, social circle etc but would like a male to enhance or share in what she already has and enjoys.
I don't need to say I don't need a man anymore...I DON'T have a man and will quite happily ramble along until one pop's along. | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 3:02:42 PM | IMO I don't need a man = I have been hurt badly and do not want to ever rely on a man in any way shape or form ever again. And yes this is a major red flag to me. Going from one extreme to another is rarely a good thing.
I do not "need" a woman, but it sure would be nice to have a woman in my life. And when you are in a relationship you do rely on the other for many things... a kind of mutual support.
My hat is off to those in relationships where they are independent from each other and never need anything from the other. How does sex work in a relationship like that? Things that make you go hmm... | |
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| I Don't Need A Man.., I very Independent..etc etc = RED Flags?
Posted: 10/22/2009 3:22:20 PM | Methinks a little too much gets read into this. A woman's assertion that she doesn't need a man is really offset by the admission by her presence on POF that she desires a man.
independent = good
Self -supporting = good
Not looking for a baby daddy = good
Likes her life but wants more = good
"my ex turned into a crackhead and was totally unreliable so I expect you to totally walk on eggshells and if you offer to change my oil you are saying that I am helpless and that I'm dependent on you, well, you have another things coming mister" = bad
"my ex was a controlling jerkwad who made every decision in the relationship and if you try to have anything your way then you are being just like him and now I'm strong enough to punish you for it" = bad
Balance in all things, guys... | |
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