| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 7:39:51 AM | about 8 years ago I lost a substantial amount of weight and have kept it off --yea for me right? Not so much. I have a lot of excess skin on my body to remind me of past misdeeds.
In clothing I look in shape, but no matter what I've done the skin remains. Even talked to a plastic surgeon and he said yep, no way to 'tighten' skin up so it bounces back. Didn't go that route and am stuck with the skin.
I was married at the time and so that wasn't a big problem. I then had a LTR with a man who let me know he found my body not that attractive but loved having sex with me. So I've only had two lovers since the weight loss.
All that to say this: I don't know what to do presex with a guy now. See, I just sexually blew it with a very attractive man who was trying to get in my pants for several weeks. I kept putting it off because i was sure he'd be disgusted by me naked and wanted to get to know him and then be able to tell him prior to the encounter and test his reaction. By the time I felt ready he had met another woman and there went that!
I don't want to lose another great guy because of my insecurities. I know I am a terrific woman and an earthy, confident lover but these body issues are making things tough.
Guys, what do I do in this situation? I feel like I 'false advertise' because my body looks good in clothe, but I don't want to wear a sign around my neck saying 'better not nekkid" lol.
Any advice? | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 9:05:00 AM | Not sure how much weight you're talking about, but I've dropped 15% of my weight this past year (was looking more prosperous than I was, lol), and excess skin hasn't been a problem. The only thing I can suggest is tone the muscle underneath. It really does work, especially in combination with a disciplined diet (fat cells just empty out, never go away, but you can miniaturize them, imo).
I feel like I 'false advertise' because my body looks good in clothe, but I don't want to wear a sign around my neck saying 'better not nekkid" lol.
Lol. False advertising is the American way, dontchya know!!  Buyer beware!
Or, you could do the CFNM thing, impress the hell out of 'em with your "moves" first, although at some point . . . . the truth will out.
No such thing as perfect, OP. And having a waist is far better than not. | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 9:08:50 AM | I suspect you insecurities are not just related to your weight loss but other issues you are not as forthcoming with. I've dated many women, of all shapes, sizes and colors. The most appealing thing in each of them was self confidence. They liked and were comfortable with who they are, which made them each all the more appealing to me. Insecurity can be a determent to any relationship, especially a new one.
You seem to place a good deal of importance on looks, maybe you are unconsciously attracting the kind of guy who does as well. | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 9:31:49 AM | OP:
Well, you certainly don't want to let the guys slip through your fingers on account of this. In hindsight, it might have been better to have jumped into bed with this last guy, since it was, ipso facto, your body-image-issue that drove him away -- only this time it was you who pulled the trigger, so to speak. Next time, at least give him and yourself half a chance. (Lesson learned: Don't be the one to reject yourself; that doubles the number of people in the room who have a chance to reject you.)
That said, how about turning off the lights and easing into things? That might be a quick solution.
I can't put a percentage on it, but you're bright enough to realize you are up against a societal issue much more than a personal one. That is to say, I think more men would be forgiving of this than, say, your average magazine publisher or Madison avenue public relations firm. My ex-wife got very heavy after giving birth, for example, and I barely noticed. One would think I would have, but most of the time it went right passed me. | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 9:35:55 AM | | yeah, only way to get rid of the skin is surgery. you only have two chioces here; 1. get the surgery if you can afford it or 2. the BS answer about accepting it and blah blah blah. | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 9:43:15 AM | It's not false advertising if you are up front about it. Guys tend to be okay will talking about stuff, so just bite the bullet, and talk to him.
Secondly, for yourself, you might consider the surgery if it really bothers you that much. Just be aware that the scars can be pretty bad too.
Finally, I recommend dating guys who wear glasses. The trick is to take their glasses away, and turn the lights down low or use candles. The older my ex got the blinder he got, it worked out quite well for me. | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 10:28:23 AM | First of all KUDOS to you for keeping the weight off for 8 years. I can't wait to say the same thing!
Just to give you a bit of a backstory..... I lost 130+ pounds myself and although it hasn't been 8 years I look forward to celebrating each annual milestone for years to come.
Before I lost the weight I was self conscious because of my size. I tended to allow myself to fade into the background because I felt a bit like a fish out of water. I thought that if I could just lose weight that would make all of my problems go away and life would be grand.
The smaller I got the more I realized that it didn't matter what my size was, problems will always rear their ugly head. Some past issues faded away while others came to the surface. One of the issues that came to the surface is the exact issue you are talking about. I look great in clothing but was super self conscious about what I refer to as my wobbly bits.
I got back into the dating scene the end of June. Since then I have been on a few dates, met some decent blokes and some not so decent. I found that I was hesitant to discuss my weight loss with them. On one hand, it is a HUGE achievement for me. Something that I worked (and continue to work) really hard on. On the other hand, I was worried that guys would be turned off by the fact that I was formerly very overweight and that my body still shows the damage that I did to it (ie: excess skin).
I decided that I needed to change the way that I viewed it (which is still hard for me to do). I took a really hard look at my body. Sure, my thighs are pretty jiggly and my bum isn't firm and bouncy. My chest isn't perky and my belly looks slightly pouchy. There is NOTHING that I can do about it at this point. Surgery isn't an option for at least another year and would be 100% self funded. Exercise can't repair 100% of the damage that I did.
I decided that if I didn't let it bother me too much that it wouldn't bother him that much either. You know what? The first time I was with someone I got a bit self conscious and asked for the light to be turned off. After that I let my guard down and just had fun with it. Afterwards he told me that I had nothing to worry about.
I guess this rambling all boils down to this.... the more you let it bother you, the more it will bother him. If he is worth it, he won't give a hoot about your wobbly bits. | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 10:51:46 AM |
My chest isn't perky and my belly looks slightly pouchy. There is NOTHING that I can do about it at this point.
Hey, how about a corset?!! Cinch that stuff up! These foundations seem to be haute couture on the porn sites.
Exercise can't repair 100% of the damage that I did.
Nothing can, but you can certainly firm up a butt with a regular diet of resistance training. It strengthens the muscles on your upper ass, kinda lifts the excess off the thigh, and will certainly make your jeans look great. Lol Besides, face to face, his palms are gonna reach, and stop, at the hardest part (assuming he's reaching down, not up, lol).
It is frequently said that presentation is everything, which is eye candy, but if my hands can feel her ass flex, I'm thinkin' I'm in for a helluva ride.  | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 11:09:13 AM | | Yep, tone the muscle underneath. Weight/resistance training. The skin will eventually "remember" where it's supposed to be. | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 11:16:31 AM | (Lesson learned: Don't be the one to reject yourself; that doubles the number of people in the room who have a chance to reject you.)
That is the best advice anyone could give me! You are absolutely right---I rejected me, he didn't.
Someone posted on here I must be thinking looks matter a lot; well, they do. Not to me, but to most males. I care about what someone is like rather than looks like, but meeting men and getting to know them requires some level of physical attraction. I just hate that men tell me I have a nice body and I know differently. I am extremely straightforward and honest and do feel like it is a misrepresentation of myself. I'd rather my body not look outwardly good because I do not want to disappoint someone.
But thanks for that lesson---ignorant but teachable all day long here and I DID do just what you said. Four times to be exact! | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 11:20:02 AM | Of course I exercise and tone but like I said... it won't fix 100% of the damage. I carried the majority of my weight in the lower half which in turn means that it is more damaged. Exercise helps, but it isn't a Magic Eraser that wipes everything away.
During the course of losing the weight I thought to myself " I can't wait to be a hard body". When it turned out that I wasn't ever going to have a "hard body" no matter how much I exercised without having surgical intervention, it was a bitter pill to swallow. | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 11:21:46 AM | Congratulations to both of us! Cheers!
Yeah that's what I felt too, that I was almost being punished for working my buns off! And I've done everything a person can to to build muscle, etc. Trust me. I was at gym so much (Golds) that my daughter actually got hired on!
I am so glad you shared this; I think I'm ready (know I'm willing ) and like the gentleman above said, don't blow it for yourself by rejecting yourself. I'm just going to get out of my own way and go for it! And the next guy better watch out---I've got some making up to do!
Happy hunting to all!
Susan | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 1:58:58 PM | First of all, congratulations on losing all that weight! That's a major accomplishment and not easy at all. Heck, maintaining takes a lot of work!
Secondly, not all men want a hard bodied woman. My philosophy is that I am a woman and I have some soft spots - they remind the man I'm with of my femininity. I do take good care of myself, but I never intend on making myself muscle-bound. I prefer to be healthy and enjoy life. And enjoy men! | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 2:30:12 PM | | You'll just have to rely on love to get you through. A simple explanation should be enough for someone who cares about you. | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 2:36:44 PM | Don't forget that this response, dripping with compassion, is coming from a dude who got his bod from injecting enough steroids to beef up half a herd.
you only have two chioces here; 1. get the surgery if you can afford it or 2. the BS answer about accepting it....
It is NOT a BS answer.
Congrats to BOTH ladies who have claimed a TON of weight loss. Not so much for anybody else but for YOU and your heart and knees!!! Along with that equation comes the realization that (steroid use aside) MOST people get a bit loose as they age. Sure, we all love those bods that show a flat tummy even when they're sitting but realistically? Ya, right. Not gonna happen (and I should point out that AFTER ya stop taking steroids - before you're actually diagnosed with brain cancer - you get even worse so "Nar Nar NAR" in advance dude) so not so much "deal with it" but realize that a true lover is NOT gonna really notice that much. If ya love the person the body is just part of the package. Sure it would be "fashionable" to be your new weight and svelte too but that's not how it works. A person who loves you will accept what you were, how much you've worked to get the blubber off and that there are some residuals. IMHO, no big deal. If we're talking some quick sex, ya, it might but being with somebody you true care for and vice versa - it won't be noticed.
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 3:31:25 PM | | Your insecurity is much worse than a few folds of skin could ever be. The things I have witnessed women do because of insecurity issues range from benign stuff that just lowers the attraction to ruinining several people's lives at once. | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 4:07:32 PM | | I went out with a woman that had stretch marks and was overweight. She had a big problem with it and kept commenting on it. I told her I didn't care and only really noticed them when she started talking about them. She told me before we ever went to bed together about them. I told her I have a belly and I'm not hung like a porn star but I wont let that stop me from getting naked with you and making love to you, neither should your stretch marks. | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 8:28:41 PM | Girl, get your sexy self over to a Victoria's Secret shop, and find some sexy little outfit that highlights what you like and covers and or readjusts what you want to hide. A corset, a boostie... pick your pleasure, get sexy, then grab your man and show him how its done!
Go get him tiger! | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 9:15:17 PM | 1. Boost your confidence day-i.e. spend some time pampering you-massage, facial, bubble bath, sexy lingerie, what ever makes you feel good about yourself, inside and out.
2. Don't trust one plastic surgeons opinion. He is afterall most likely looking to make $$$. There are some amazing new products and techniques on the market that are non-invasive. (i.e. lotions/potions, lasers, infrared, etc.)
3. Try some good support garments, sometimes the skin can be "retrained" into shape if it has support-puns intended.
4. Accept that if a guy is "into you" enough you want him to see you naked, he probably is also "into you" enough to deal with any "flaws" you may have.
Granted this is just my advice from personal observation/experience(from a soft in the right and wrong places kinda girl). Congrats on the weight lose and maintance. In the end it boils down to the simple fact of "if you don't make an issue of it-he won't know there is an issue". Good luck. | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 9:56:10 PM |
not all men want a hard bodied woman
pics or it didn't happen | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 10:48:33 PM | ~OP~ Congrats (first of all!!) Because I was a little naive about WHY the skin on some people gets saggy (with or without large amounts of weight loss) I did a little reading. Like it or not, everything I read clearly states that genetics will likely determine how elastic your skin is. If you look at your biological family, do they look their ages? Do any of them have sagging skin (with or without weight loss?) etc. Exercise, for some, will NOT make a bit of difference other than it's obviously healthy to do so. The skin might just be one of those things you have to contend with. I personally have body issues with my own self (and I too have lost weight, 50 pounds, two different times in my adult life) but sagging skin isn't what my issues are. How do I combat those issues? I found that body-stockings keep me happy, covered, and generally give me a different view of myself if/when I have been lucky enough to want to be intimate with someone. You can know that you are covered, yet intimacy is completely accessible. Maybe that's "cheating"in some eyes, but for me? It's a comfort thing and if he can't understand that about me? Too bad for him. Good luck to ya!!  | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 11:35:17 PM | I have a friend, young 30's, who found out her fiance was cheating on her right about the time she had her 3rd baby. (his). She lost all the baby weight and more, and her breasts, in a very short amt of time.
She went from pre-baby nice C's or even D's, to barely an A...and a ton of horrible saggy skin in it's place. Her stomach was the same way...looks like one of those wrinkly puppy dogs.
And she hated it, and wanted plastic surgery but couldn't afford it.
But somehow she still saw herself as lovable and attractive. And she still had sex.
I figure, if she can do it, anyone can. I mean, I practically cried when I saw the result of her depression on her body. Basically I think she stopped eating or something. So the loss wasn't natural and slow.
She wore water bras and cute outfits. and I guess when she was nekkid, she just didn't care.
But she had great self-esteem before it all... he tried darn hard to ruin her, but in the end, her feelings about herself pre-baby won out. (this was also almost 2 years after sh ehad the baby)
Anyway, I'm saying, it really is a state of mind - and it's about more than you r looks - also about how you feel about yourself.
Oh, also, I did have an idea. What about getting a crotchless teddy? Something that is really sexy but you can have sex in? I mean, it's not a long term solution, but it would get you beyond the first time having sex w/a partner. Give you a security blanket to help you get nekkid w/someone.
Or even a nightie set that has crotchless panties (and a shortie nightie)
Sometimes baby steps are easier to take.
Good luck to you!!!! Sorry sorta rambling...it is 2 am here, after all... | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/24/2009 11:53:17 PM | Honey, if you have the money, go get the skin removed.I have several friends who lost tons of weight like you have (congrats by the way) and nothing worked other than the surgery. And I Mean NOTHING.
You are beautiful. You do whatever it takes to make you feel as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside!!! Get a boob lift, a tummy tuck, and get the batwings on the arms removed.
You go girl!!
Beth | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/25/2009 1:55:26 AM | As you yourself say in your title "Insecurity Issues"
I agree with Illusion Of Normalcy, but I would take it a step further. With the new threads, go to a professional photographer and have some pics taken. As well, get some "classy nudes" done. Just for yourself. Put the pics on the wall and stand back and look at them, as if it was someone else. I bet you will be amazed :) | |
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| Insecurity issues
Posted: 10/25/2009 3:39:00 AM | | I commend you for losing the weight, but I suggest that in order to minimize the loose skin, you start a combination cardio and weight training program. That should help. | |
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