| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/24/2009 4:07:58 PM | I have been seperated almost 3 yrs and went through legal aid
and it took a year to get my legal seperation agreement in which my
x said he couldnt keep the kids half time ...so we agreed to joint custody
with me having care and control and he only had kids every second wknd
but now... almost 2 yrs later, in which he refused to help
with anything ...now that I am off social assistance and got
a job and thought I was finally getting our life back on track...
my x now decided he wants the kids half time which he has
consistantly pointed out that he wont have to pay child support
if he has them half time ....the judge said it doesnt matter if he hasnt
helped or messed up in the past...and deserves a second chance to
step up to the plate... Besides the point that my x is an abussive alcoholic,
(which my lawyer never even mentioned at the hearing) he is incapable
of looking after any of the kids matters and I would
still have to take them to all their appts and pay for it all.
Do you think I need a new lawyer or is it to late for that?
HELP | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/24/2009 4:34:44 PM | | You are going to have to get a lawyer. I'm a paralegal for dss and I see abusive fathers everyday get a second chance. Unfortunately the law isn't always just and you need to fight real hard if you don't want him having joint custody or have solid evidence that he abused the kids recently. Good luck, write down everything and keep a real good record of events and expenses. | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/24/2009 4:38:50 PM | I have letters written by the kids saying he drinks all the time and that he kicked
my 12 yr old daughter in the back but the lawyer didnt tell the judge and I gave them
receipts for daycare in which I still havnt seen half and not sure if my lawyer is on my side at all. The judge didnt want to hear or see anything he has done in the past...said he deserves a second chance. What is the point of writing things down if the lawyer and judge dont want to see it or hear it lol | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/24/2009 5:19:32 PM | Listen no offence.... He sounds like the worst husband in the world but money aside for a min. Love dont cost money and every man should see his children. Give him this chance to prove to the kids that he can be the dad they need. If it all ends in tears at least you know that you gave him a chance. The children in years to come wil see that too. If you think his only wanting access now because you are up on your feet then take yourself out of the picture. Get someone else to drop them over to him. And maybe stay wit them for a hour or two until you feel safe to leave him alone wit the kids.
You need to give him this chance for the childrens sake. For your sake. Then he cant turn around and blame you for not allowing him to. Children are not children for ever...they grow up and see the whole picture for what it was/is. | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/24/2009 6:09:48 PM | | He had the kids almost half time the first year (in which I received no child support)but said he couldnt and signed the legal seperation that I should keep the kids...he also didnt take them to any sports etc in that time and still wont...he has been on compo for 4 yrs and still has excuse after excuse not to help and thinks he is doing me a favor if he ever takes them one day extra and refuses to unless he doesnt have to pay child support (munipulation). I would love a break and let him have the kids half the time if he could stop drinking and control his temper, but I will still have to look after all the medical, sports, school, concerts, and everything involved in the registration and pay for it all and thats pretty tough to do with no child support. I note that I have never stoped him and at times pleaded for him to take his kids for even a day but he refused unless I give him half. Now do you think he would be able to go 2 wks at a time without so much as a phone call to his kids if he really cared? | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/25/2009 12:11:08 AM | Sadly, I've seen abusers, sex offenders and pedophiles get to have unsupervised access with their kids. Justice and morality are two very different things.
Get support run through Maintenance Enforcement. Have recalculation done by the Recalculation Service, include section 7 expenses in the order, along with extra-curricular expenses, dental, medical and make him take out life insurance to cover his $$ obligation to the kids.
He'll get his chance - you were okay with 50/50 before so the precedent has been set, let the system deal with the $$ side of it. Document everything that happens/doesn't happen when they are with him. Keep track of the # of days you have the kids and he has the kids. If after a year it's not truly 50/50... vary the order.
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/25/2009 10:28:57 AM | | I think we sort of got off track ...I dont need advice on abuse or how to keep paper trails...I just dont think it is fair that I get set back financially for 2 yrs while he gains and just when I am getting on track he can just mess up our lives again...it is tough on the kids and me. If he isnt doing this just so he can keep his child support then why couldnt he just settle for 1 or 2 days a wk instead of half time? I am sure if I took a 2 yr holiday and let him raise the kids, I wouldnt have a second chance for halftime right. Obviously the legal seperation agreement was only as good as the paper it was written on. I dont think they will be doing the kids any good. | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/25/2009 9:11:21 PM | Well, so far I haven't seen "evidence" that your ex is an abusive alcoholic, which is why your lawyer likely didn't say anything. The hardest thing for clients to understand sometimes is what is and isn't evidence in a court of law. Lawyer may also think going into "my ex is such an a$$hole mode" is only going to make you lose credibility with the judge, which is NOT in your best interest.
And ex's are not convenient/free babysitters. Asking him to take the kids when you need a break is treating him like a babysitter. And if he is taking them for you when he isn't scheduled to, he IS doing you a favour.
In the criminal world, many of us think crazy dates crazy. I've known family lawyers who tend to say if your client's ex is crazy, your client ptobably is too.
Your whole post seems to be about you, not your kids. Could be your lawyer was trying to prevent the judge from seeing that side of you. | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/25/2009 9:23:38 PM | | Eveything is up to a judge. They are god. If you don't think it's fair then you need to request another judge. If the kids are being abused there are government agencies you need to report him to NOT COURT. If he truly is abusive then the reports need to be shown to judge. If there are none, then it goes on your character. Abuse has nothing to do with money. If he is being abusive to the kids then you would have a protection order. If you had a protection order then he would most likely not be given custody or visitation. If he is simply absent in their lives, this means nothing in court unless he broke court mandated time allotted to the children. There is moral and legal rights. Moral does no show up much in court unless there are vast witnesses and reports to back it up. | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/25/2009 10:27:22 PM |
Well, so far I haven't seen "evidence" that your ex is an abusive alcoholic, which is why your lawyer likely didn't say anything
Some lawyers are just shmucks. I had one who was and thanks to him I don't get child support. He dropped it in court without asking me. I got mad and started to yell at him and the judge gave us a new date. My idiot lawyer dropped the child support because my ex hadn't shown up with financial papers showing how much he made. My ex didn't show up at all, that's how much he wanted his kid. It has nothing to do with proof, it all has to do with the boneheads who got their law degree out of a crackerjacks box.
Now, I'd be stuck with a few thousand dollars in legal fees if I want any money from Mr. Abusive Sperm Donor. I'm not about to pay that to have him shoved in our lives. | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/26/2009 4:44:06 PM | | BIG OUCH captain...dont judge me please...I am not like my x and I didnt bad mouth him to the kids or the court...and by the way...it is never called babysitting when it is your own kids. He has joint custody so why not take the kids once and a while extra. Or do you think I should pay him lol | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/26/2009 5:56:38 PM | YOU dont need to see evidence.
Youre not a judge, lawyer or part of any jury.
Know that this douche has a criminal record BUT everyones willin to overlook the fact that he beat up 6 RC's in one of his drunken tirades... BUT for the sake of the kids it will remain unmentioned.
Keep that in mind.
EVEN IF she needed a baby sitter Im pretty damn sure he's the VERY last person she would even bother to call.
Save your judgements for whatever else.
However you DO make one valid point about her lawyer trying to hide any kind of vindictive tendancies.
Im pretty sure if she was in "my ex is an a$$hole mode" shed have mentioned his criminal past and this thread would never have happenned... nevermind the entire battle. BUT for the sake of the kids................................................... | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/27/2009 12:17:38 AM | I am also having the same issues with my case,and your right the lawyer seems not so interested in sharing the info about my sons father!!! that somehow to me seems un fair.If this man all of a sudden wants to be part of my sons life,why not tell judge what his behavour has been in the past?? Or in my case my son is 12 so make an order to have someone speak to him,ask him ?? I have asked for this and my ex is against having someone speak to him!! i wonder why....Would any one know who i would contact to have a professional speak to him to try to help him with some issues? As my son father also will not pay child supp,my money is tight right now so this would have to be free or on payments..Also if you dont mind who was your lawyer? mine is J.R thanks for any info. | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:06:08 AM | Oh, leave the "don't judge" me at the door. If you don't want to be judged, don't post on an internet forum.
As said, you don't seem to appreciate what is and isn't evidence in a court of law. Your lawyer has an obligation to assist you, but not to the point where he loses his credibility with the court by doing things that no self respecting lawyer would do.
Again, you seem to think that because their his kids too, that if you don't want them for a day, he should then be willing to drop everything he has for YOU. Taking the kids when you don't want them isn't about the kids, it's entirely about you. It is doing you a favour. Taking the kids a few days extra when he asks for them, is TOTALLY different than you saying "I need a break, can you take the kids?" Widows don't get an ex to take the kids when they need a break, they have to call a babysitter. As I said, you're treating your ex like a babysitter. Why would he be pleasant if that's how you treat him?
YOU dont need to see evidence. Youre not a judge, lawyer or part of any jury. Ah, but I am! :P And as I've said, I haven't seen/read anything that is considered evidence in a court of law. | |
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WeR1
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Joined: 4/9/2007
Msg: 18 | |
| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/29/2009 5:19:28 AM | If it is true that someone actually physically assaulted RCMP officers and has not undergone any treatment for whatever issue caused that person to make such a bad choice in my opinion it is grossly negligent not to try and prevent unsupervised access to children, without a clear safety plan in place at minimum. IE visits at a relatives that takes responsibilty for the safety, not to use substances while caring for children, allowing random checks in the home during visitation to ensure compliance.
As a parent if this was an issue I would be sure the judge was aware, with documentation from the officers themselves and if necessary documentation that the courts HAD that documentation. Assaulting police officers is just stupid, I would question whether someone had the cognitive abilty to care for a child if they are that stupid. If something happens to children in this persons care and it can be proven that others had knowledge of this behavior, it falls under 'duty to report' google it in manitoba's child welfare laws.
I would also suspect that not reporting behavior like this indicates that the other parent wants the 'free' babysitter and not that they are the least bit interested in the best interests of their children. They aren't even interested in the safety of their children. Or the parent has been a victim of abuse for quite some time and requires some therapy to get their mind back on track.
Manitoba has some pretty clear 'safety first' legislation in place and there is a very good reason for that. She died on a basement floor. | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/29/2009 9:38:32 AM | excellent post wer!!!
police reports, badge numbers and convictions with violence attatched are all points which the system can not deny........ifyou have the ducks lined up....
goodluck to all the parents trying there best to baffel bad things from effecting there children.
i was told from acourt ordered family acessment that if we took kids away because of convictions there would be no kids living with the parents.....
so i went for the next best option:placing the child in a child guidance programe and accessing a advocate for her.........this programe helped teach my child safety skills which opened doorways to help us learn to communicate with her(because the advocate helps parents understand the childs view and gives tools to communicate those fears...) goodluck | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/29/2009 2:44:15 PM | a tip! If your childs safety is in question, implement a dog to go with the child on visits.....make it one bit_chin dog too...snickers
that allowed me to sleep at night when my girl was not in my direct care.....the dog ensured her safety and no one knew otherwise....."more than one way to skin a cat"  | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/30/2009 7:58:26 PM | How old does a child have to be to be allowed to choose where they want to live?
Legal aid lawyers do suck! They don't care about thier clients thats why they have to accept legal aid.
I hear you 2cold! I have had my children for almost 12 years and now the jerk wants to share custody cause he has some female living with him and she does everything. So will he win? It will cost thousands to find out. Is it worth it when the childrens lives are totally disrupted? | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 10/31/2009 12:09:00 PM | A father's perspective anyone?
2cold... I will readily admit that I do not know your ex, nor am I aware of the obviously painful circumstances surrounding the break up of your marriage.
However...
While he may have agreed two years ago that he could not keep t he children half time, it would appear that his situation has improved over time, just as yours has. Otherwise, even if child support were his primary reason for doing so, he would not be able to apply for joint custody.
It may be, however, that he has come to the conclusion that seeing his kids every second weekend just is not adequate. How would you feel if you were only able to see your children every second weekend?
Also, there is obviously an issue surrounding him taking the children "extra days". He may feel that if he is being asked to look after the children frequently, then perhaps a reassessment of the situation is in order. It would also add some clarity as to when he should expect to be looking after the children.
As for the legal aid lawyer.... The cold hard reality is that a legal aid lawyer is given X amount of dollars to look after your case. Whether he/she spends 5 hours or 50 hours on it, they get paid the same. So there are some who will do as little as possible.
I know this because this is the explanation given to me by the legal aid lawyer I had many years ago to explain why he could not be bothered to address an issue that arose between myself and my ex-wife. It has been confirmed to me by a few other lawyers over the years.
If this is the type of lawyer you have, and you can show that he is not adequately representing you, you can ask legal aid to assign you a new lawyer. There are no guarantees that the next lawyer will be any better than this one however.
The alternative, is to find the very best lawyer you can afford, and pay for it yourself. It can be extremely difficult, financially and otherwise, I know. However, the effect of what happens now will be felt for a long time. No matter how much it costs, if you can find a way to pay it, it is worth it. This is my opinion as a result of hindsight.
As for the safety of the children... The courts take a rather narrow view of what actually is risk to the welfare of the child. A person can be a lot of things... but as long as the child has a roof over their head, food in their belly, clothes on their back, and are not actually physically assaulted, the court considers them safe. It also takes significant evidence to show that any of these are in jeopardy.
The issue of child support payments is obviously one that of concern to you. It is also one that I personally don't think the courts address very well. It is unfortunate, but the adversarial court system we have seems only to make these kinds of things worse for all involved.
However, if he does end up with the children half of the time, does it not seem reasonable to think that his support payments should diminish or be removed altogether?
Last.. but not least... It is important that you take the time and make the effort to heal from the emotional wounds you have incurred. And, now doubt, since your divorce is not final, there may be a few more "wounds" to revcover from. Divorce tends to be that way. This is not an easy thing to do, but it will help both you and your children now (while you are going through the divorce), and in the future.
Best of luck to you all concerned.
T_M | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:19:15 PM | | Thanks Tin Man for your sincere advice...seems I have been made out to be the bad person in this thread and I didnt respond since I hate to add fuel to the fire and things are way more complex than one can explain on here. I dont treat my x like a babysitter, only try to involve him in the kids life for their sake. He has joint custody which means he wants to have a say in decision making and be involved in his life so that is the only reason I call him. He is not a convict and would never hurt the kids or me on purpose, atleast not physically. And just to bring you up to date...I went to the meeting and agreed to half time so long as he leaves the booze alone when he has the kids and half hour into the meeting he said he had enough and walked out so I cant win. I am used to being blamed by my x and my kids for everything that goes wrong or doesnt get done even though I live every minute to care for them so dont call me a bad parent. You are right about this bringing up more wounds that I thought I dealt with 2 yrs ago though and again I thank you for your concern and the best of luck to you also. | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 11/3/2009 8:50:46 PM | 2coldalone:
Please do not construe my comments as to suggest that I think you are soley responsible for a bad situation.
After all, in the words of family counselor I once knew, there is no such thing as an innocent party in a divorce.
It seems to be an unfortunate reality that divorce has this way of causing otherwise sensible human beings to behave in ways no one, not even themselves, would ever dream of.
My comments were meant simply to provide some perspective... something hard to come by during an emotionally trying time, for anyone.
Another unfortunate reality is that no matter what you do, there will be those who will find a way to construe it badly... whether they are correct or not.
And be aware that since you still "negotiating" the divorce... Although you may not enjoy the process... and neither will he for that matter... If you and your ex can not successfully discuss and resolve issues, which it appears you can not... Then the more clearly the final divorce documents spell out who is responsible for what, when, and how much, the better all we be in the end.
I was not calling you a bad parent... Nor was I suggesting that you did not love your kids. I was simply suggesting that your ex might love them too.
T_M | |
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| I need advice on the custody issue
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:15:27 PM | I think mom needs to find herself some awareness to co dependancy.....we have been in them overwelmed shoes hun...no worries....:hugs: losts of us have!
dealing with a ism is not pretty but it is for the long haul girl!!! set up those ducks for yourself first.
your kids deserve you to find the tools to dig out of that there rut you found yourself in......diggin it out starts here and do not look back!!!
call al-anon and give yourself and your children(depending on ages of course) the support to talk to people who can help them cope with addictions
....find yourself in a room of hope,,,,promise ya!...
your not broken, your dealing a big load and you are a smart lil fish for reaching out for help(gold star for being brave lil fish)....pick up the phone and find the tools to deal.....
chances are pretty good that you could repeat this codependancy because your already assuming all of the energy............................find a room/group and learn why this pattern is in your life...the answer for you is al_anon girl.
assigning yourself to awareness is an investment of 6 meetings and learning first your not alone....there is choice here, do not ever pretend there isn't and there are wonderful humans waiting to assist you ...give it a shot
i do not know you but i love you already...............
easy does it................... 
courage to change.....one day at a time!!! | |
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