| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/24/2009 5:55:16 PM | | My boyfriend broke up with me one month ago after 10 years on and off, as he would always have an excuse to brake up like i make him feel bad etc. but he still wnats to be friends and to hang out twice a week he says he loves me, but does not want to get bxck together, but still wants me around. i'm finding being around extremely difficult as i think he gave a lame excuse to dump me and part of me still wants to be with, i dont know what to do. when i bring it up that i want us to work he dimisses it is he being selfish wanting me still be around i dont kn0w. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/24/2009 6:01:30 PM | This is the same old story we all have experienced with men.
They dont' want the commitment but they still want you around for the benefits of sex and/or companionship. They say the right things like "I love you" to keep us on the hook while they look around for other woman and do whatever the heck they want.
You don't have to play by his rules. Meaning: leave his ass. Kick him to the curb and don't look back. You have been dumped so act like it and go away from him for good or at least 3 months. Time to be the one in charge of your life and stop letting him call the shots. He is taking advantage of you and your feelings for him. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/24/2009 6:22:16 PM | Here's what to look for and to avoid anything else:
The man who loves you is so amazed and grateful to spend time with you at all that his mission if life is to promote your welfare and happiness, so that as you prosper he gets a front row seat to the glory and splendor of your soaring spirit. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/24/2009 6:23:25 PM | | ^^^ what she said. Lose this guy as hard as it hurts.Lose him for 90 days and if you still feel the same then go back to his lame arse. 90 days of peace think... about the possibilities. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/24/2009 8:49:39 PM | Your friendship is just one of the many wonderful things about you that he gave up when he broke up with you.
You need to remember this and make him aware of it as well.
Its so easy to look in objectively into situations. Very black and white.
I hope you listen to the advice of the posters have given you.
:) | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/24/2009 9:08:47 PM |
They dont' want the commitment but they still want you around for the benefits of sex and/or companionship.
Ditto!
They only want you around when it is convenient for them. This gives them license to mess around on you without having to feel bad about it. "Hey we're broken up" he'll say if you question him. Then he'll say all the right things, "you're my best friend, I love you, etc" when he's lonesome or wants sex. This dude wants it both ways. It is up to you whether you can handle being "friends" with someone who only wants your friendship when it is suitable for him. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/25/2009 9:44:51 AM | I agree with one of the previous comments. The whole "let's be friends thing" I think is about the other person boosting his own ego . It is definitely about what is "good" for him and not about what's best for you.
The other person he wants you around whenever it suits his interest. But then he can just throw it back into your face that you guys "broke up". He wants his cake and eat it too.
He wants to keep you around to "boost" his own self esteem and he likes the attention you give him. However, he's looking for someone new but he wants you on the side. It isn't fair and it's a cruel way to treat someone. He knows you "still" have feelings for him and he gets off on this. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/25/2009 10:27:11 AM | | I am in the exact same situation. You try and play it his way, but you end up getting hurt. This time is for YOU. I cannot stress that highly enough. What he wants from you is companionship, and that is completely understandable considering the amount of time you were together. However, you both need to understand that the rules governing your relationship are now completely different . He dumped you, and he hurt you, and you shouldn't stand for that. He did it once, twice, then he wanted it to be over with you, accept that it's over and move on. You can only really move on once you've given yourself time alone. I don't mean isolate yourself, I mean get out there and live your life however you want to. Please don't even consider getting back with this person. He doesn't deserve you, and he doesn't know what he wants. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/25/2009 11:52:29 AM | Men aren't the only ones doing this.
As has been suggested, move on with your life. Find someone else who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Yeah, I know, easier said... | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/25/2009 11:52:55 AM | Do not allow him to play this game with you. You do not need a "friend" like him. A friend is someone who cares about your happiness and well-being. The other posters are right. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Do not call him, do not answer his calls, and block his e-mails. Do not ever take him back. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/25/2009 2:15:54 PM |
This is the same old story we all have experienced with men.
They dont' want the commitment but they still want you around for the benefits of sex and/or companionship. They say the right things like "I love you" to keep us on the hook while they look around for other woman and do whatever the heck they want.
Lol @whenwillthiswork1926
when it was a man who posted about the exact same situation, your advice was as follows;
She dumped you because she does not love you. But she uses you for companionship because there is no one else around at the time that she can be with. She is keeping you as a friend. If you can just like her as a friend then there is no problem. If you love her and want her as a girlfriend then you should find someone else to love, and not see her for a few months at least. It will only hurt you more. http://forums.plentyoffish.com/datingPosts13242263.aspx
Why the difference when it's a woman in this situation? | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/25/2009 5:47:48 PM | OP
Two possible interpretations for this:
The first one is that he likes you as a person but not enough to make a deep commitment. The reason "why" may vary from personality, to looks, to baggage, etc. etc. He likes you but can't picture you and him taking off on that romantic trip to Baruba or whatever.
The other interpretation is that he likes you enough for "fun" and, possibly, "sex," but not enough to make a long term commitment.
I know that the two seem very similar; however, in one, your character and values overshadow the fact that he is not wanting to make a commitment. In the other, it's the fact that you look good enough for some side fun, regardless of values and character, but do not fit his image of "the perfect" one for him.
There is such a thing as just being friends, but usually these form outside of the "boyfriend-girlfriend" relationship. You all had a relationship once and broke up.
There IS another possibility, however remote, and that one is that something happened to get him really upset with you. He simply can't get over it and he's putting you in a "time-out" box until you learn your lesson. He hopes that you will "learn your lesson." This is why he needs to have you close by, but not in a relationship with him. It's happened before. Did you two have a big argument recently? This is a dangerous game; someone could get very emotionally hurt. It also points to problems with being able to communicate effectively. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/25/2009 5:57:42 PM | Move away from him for now. Try to find yourself without him. He is really not a friend in the truest sense. Maybe he needs to be single for a while, but that is not what you need him to be, so your needs don't match.
If it is meant to be, it will be. But for now, you are accepting a position in his life that makes you feel less than. He may actually need to date other women because of something that is going on inside of him.
You need to take responsibility for continuing your part in this uncomfortable relationship. The status quo is only hurting you and you can't make someone do what they don't want to, no matter how much you love them. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/25/2009 7:37:51 PM | You are still 17. Your developement was arrested 10 years ago when you got exclusive with this guy.
Forget being friends with him.. He has FIRED you like being fired from a job. You dont go back to the old job just to hang out. You've been fired.
Have NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM. Be as done with him as he is with you and start dating other guys. In fact.. go make a few bar pickups and get laid.
Best way to get over one guy.. is to get under another. Go get under some other guy who finds you smokin hot and desireable. It will do wonders for your self-esteem.. AND get the old guy out of your hair. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/27/2009 10:01:37 AM | I agree with the other posters because I think the best thing for the OP is to try to move on.
I was in a similar situation with a guy and it was extremely painful. He made it seem as though he was "noble" that I was still his "friend" but what we both wanted didn't match.
It will take time that's for sure. It may take one month, three months, maybe more but eventually over time you will move on. Time heals all wounds it really does if you take the time to get to know yourself better. Maybe, you should join a group or a club or something? Try to meet new people and expand your horizons? | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/27/2009 10:25:33 AM | | Do you want a good relationship or a man that you really do not get along with too well? How many more decades are you willing to waste on him? You are going to turn around one day and be 40 years old and wonder where your life went while you try to decide if this guy is the one. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/27/2009 8:11:29 PM |
My boyfriend broke up with me one month ago after 10 years on and off Ok... and, how did all the other break-ups with this guy end up getting back together? You stayed friends through them?.. or, you went NC, and one or the other appeared out-of-the-blue one day, at the others door, and poof, you were back together... what.... ?
Is this break up, and your reaction to it, different from the others?
he would always have an excuse to brake up like i make him feel bad etc. Idk... DID you always make him feel bad?
You have 10 yrs of history to look back over, and answer from.
What's with etc.? - he'd break up because he claimed you made him feel bad, and other times he broke up with you... why? | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/28/2009 2:24:48 PM | | Just be honest with YOURSELF. You are saying: "it is too difficult for you to be near him with your feelings for him," so do what you think needs to be done to help yourself heal. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/29/2009 11:59:22 AM | whenwillthiswork26,you said,
"This is the same old story we all have experienced with men."
And we men with women.
OP, say adios and cut off all contact. It will be easier for you in the long run. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/29/2009 12:04:26 PM | Thats a long time to be with someone on and off. If he was the one to do the breaking off, I would leave it at that!
I reckon it would be good for you to get out and about as much as you can, making friends. P.O.F. is a good start, especially if you go to the events you enjoy. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/30/2009 4:28:04 PM | | your to blame, you probably neglected him sexually, id a man is happy he will not go away | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 10/30/2009 4:43:38 PM | ^^^^.... and, if he makes her happy, she won't have a prob giving him all the sex he wants.
See how that works, chief ?
plz ... 
Anyway... 6 days, and no participation from OP.
Obviously this was an Attention Seeking/Pity Troll thread.
** Thread Out  ** | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:34:52 AM | Look, you have given this man 10 years of your life, and how has he repaid you? Do not become his friend. Tell him you need to be apart from him. You don't have to hate him or have bitterness for him in your heart--but you do need space from him for a very long time, because you are vulnerable to him. Don't see his request for friendship as a signal that the two of you may patch things up later. Of course, the poissibility that you two may rekindle your romance exists, but it will only be temporary and cause more heartache. If the relationship has not worked after 10 years, it won't work 2 months from now.
Whatever you do, don't become his doormat. He is being selffish for wanting you on his terms only. Since he is the one who broke the relationship off, he must deal with his loneliness on his own. Don't do anything for him anymore, except return all his personal belongings. And don't question him anymore on why he ended the relationship, because you'll only seem desperate to him and he will think that he still has you in the palm of his hand. Plus, neediness is a big turn off. So, salvage any dignity you might have left and begin your new life without him.
One day, your ex-boyfriend will see you on the street with your new man, galavanting and looking ever so happy. Then, he'll know what he lost and learn that you never really needed him in the first place. | |
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| finding friendship difficult
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:47:31 AM | | yes, he is being very selfish. I just went through over a year of staying friends with someone who ended up getting back with his f__ed up ex. If you try and stay friends, you will get hurt and become bitter and resentful. It will be doing a cruelty to yourself to remain friends as long as you still have feelings for him. Hang out with your true friends or make new ones if you need to. STAYING IN CONTACT WITH HIM WILL HURT YOU. | |
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