| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 5:19:10 AM | I know this has been discussed before, but upon looking at previous threads my own specific situation hasn't been brought up.
I suffer from chronic severe depression with panic/anxiety disorder. Basically this means that I'm depressed and medication doesn't do a whole lot for it. (It's both chemical and psychological.)
That being said, I'm not a bad person to be around. I do not blame the world for my depression, I don't lay guilt trips on people, nor do I try to burden people with it. However it's there, it's been there as long as I remember (and I remember back to when I was 3) and it's not going to go away, even with treatment. (If you want to hear my opinions about treatment, at least for me, we can talk in another thread or privately. That's not what this post is about.)
In the two long term relationships I've had, my depression was a problem not because I was moody or cried all the time but because my partners could see that I have great potential and that I was not fulfilling that potential fast enough to suit them. (Trust me, I'm not so naive to think this was the only problem. But it certainly contributed.)
I understand this thinking. It can be very frustrating and it's sort of like being stuck behind a person in a sports car going 40 mph on the freeway when the traffic is not a problem. (I am, among other things, very empathetic and understanding so I know this is a real problem and not just one of impatience.)
So what's a guy like me to do? I know that it's not easy to be around me and the potential mate has to be very patient with me. I'm fun, intelligent, witty, like to do things with a partner and being in a loving relationship is helpful to me. (I had one doctor tell me that the best thing that could happen to me would be to have a woman in my life. It's not a co-dependency thing.) I obviously can't go into a relationship hiding this fact, not only because it's hard to hide but because I feel it's dishonest to do so.
Comments? Suggestions? | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 5:41:44 AM | I don't think there is a whole lot you can do because you cannot control other people and they have to accept you for who you are and love you for who you are. I suppose to help the situation you would need to have very good communication skills because you don't want to leave them in the lurch and not feel connected to you and a part of your life but that is easier said then done.
I'm not sure what sort of moods you get into like whether it involves anger and paranoia and things that are very emotionally draining for you and the people in your life. The person has to have a lot of emotional energy to deal with it. At the same time, you cannot be forced to go at a faster pace of improvement and they have to understand that. I think every person does the best that they can given the shoes they are working in so i'm sure you are the best you can be in the shoes that you are walking in so don't think you are not. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 5:58:44 AM | I think Curious has hit the proverbial nail on the head. The ultimate is how does depression manifest itself in you?
Perhaps if you feel up to sharing that information, it might be helpful.
No one asks to feel depressed, and I do believe that it is something you would need to share with potentional partners, only because you have noted that you do not gain benefit from medication. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 6:00:24 AM | Kudos for putting this out there. I get the impression you've "done the work," so to speak. I'm sorry this has become a barrier in your relationships. To simply say, "You just need to find the right woman," would sound trite and dismissive, so I won't. But I'll give you a variation of it.
I believe you've got something working in your favor. IMO women are more likely to possess and exhibit the characteristics necessary here: patience, understanding, compassion, perseverence. (Maybe men are better known for these qualities...I could be wrong. But I don't think I am.) So given my opinion, you are more likely to find a female partner who is better equipped to handle depression and anxiety than a woman is to find a male partner equipped to handle the same.
I think it is both admirable and honorable that you put it out there up front for the women you meet. I'm sure it acts as a natural filter and eliminates a number of potential partners. That may not be all bad. Yet on the other hand, with patience and determination on your part it is likely that you will be in communication with women who possess and exhibit the qualities above from the start. And if you find that "right woman," you will be the envy of many men here.
I hope you stay encouraged. Honor the process, and you never know...the outcome might be something beyond what you have previously considered. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 6:10:20 AM | | the upside of your situation, op, is that it compels you more than the average bear to address whatever your internal issues are. most people are completely content to go through life with the status quo.... whereas you're almost "forced" into a self-development mode. if i were in your situation, i think i'd be looking into alternative approaches and even dietary changes that could enable actual progress and positive change and not rely entirely on a lifetime of pharmaceutical management. not that there are any silver bullets, but i think something like NLP could provide you with some powerful cognitive skills to effectively manage what you experience. i can't speak directly to the dietary issue, but i think it would be worth exploring and that the system of chinese medicine would have the most to offer.... since they've pretty much got that nailed down over the past couple thousand years or so. of course, there's also meditation and yoga. while i can think of a downside or two to pharmaceuticals -- especially their long-term use (although i'm certainly not suggesting they be abandoned) -- i can't think of any downside to these other approaches. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 6:25:14 AM | | Exercise is scentifically proven to be better than medication. Google it. But don't if you are not ready yet. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 6:47:42 AM | | yeah...join a gym...there are tons of pof'ers there right now....lol | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 7:10:45 AM |
Exercise is scentifically proven to be better than medication. Google it. But don't if you are not ready yet. Only in some cases; stopping meds in favour of excercise could be a fatal mistake for some people that suffer from chronic depression.
OP... I would suggest that because you've identified part of your depression as being chemical, you should be taking medication to assist you with this... and for the psychological, you should be under the care of a psychologist. I would also recommend exercise in addition to those treatments as it is proven that regular exercise releases 'feel good endorphines' and help with relaxation giving a sense of peacefulness after the workout. The benefits are best noticed after a month or two of regular workout sessions.
I get the impression that you have an aversion to treatments, which is your right as an individual, but I personally would not get involved with anyone that is diagnosed with chemical and psychological depression and is not taking steps to resolve the issues. Not everyone can heal themselves, and life if busy and stressful enough without taking on someone else's problems. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 7:21:08 AM | Depression is frustrating for both the sufferer and the people in their lives. Hard sometimes because you can't "see" this disease. People sometimes think just be happy already. Lose patience.
Like all of us, you have some issues. You need to find a woman who is happy with who you are right now. Who doesn't expect you to change. I'm thinking maybe you allow your illness to take centre stage in your life. Maybe your mates tire of this.
Keep trying medication, therapy, exercise but don't allow this illness to rule your life.
Hoping you eventually find some way to beat this. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 8:14:05 AM | Your depression sounds as if it is more chronic than mine. Since I was diagnosed in 1999, mine has morphed to a more seasonal thing, and the winter months are hardest for me, when there's not as much sunlight. (I compensate with artificial full spectrum UV light.)
At the point where it looks like dating is going to change into a relationship, I always disclose...as much information as he wants to have or feels like he can handle at the time.
My depression is one of the reasons I favor maintaining separate households. I think the partner of someone with a psychiatric illness should have access to space that is just their own to be able to get away from what can be an exhausting role. That's not a living setup that a whole lot of people contemplating LTRs are comfortable with - but I know from personal experience in my last LTR that there are people out there who aren't ill, and still favor separate households anyway.
You have an extra layer of things to consider. I personally don't believe that you need to talk about your illness with a woman you've just met, but if things start to get serious, I think she deserves to know that there are going to be times when you are not "available" emotionally, if for no other reason than being able to understand that it's not her, it's the illness. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 8:18:03 AM | Hi, can you see just what a good person you are? You were very honest and wrote so beautifully. Regardless of this this situation, you have had it for a long time and have understood it and taken as much control as you can. Bravo to you.
Knowing what you have to deal with, dating is difficult enough. Very difficult, as I've found. You deal with all these issues and your own. It's the ability to get the relationship off the ground and letting her know slowly what you deal with every day. As much as you can, don't tell the other person too much in the beginning unless it's absolutely necessary.
Many of us have issues, myself included, that if you can hold it privately until it's right, the better for you.
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 8:20:44 AM | girl next door has the right idea. Get some exercise and try to shed some of those unwanted pounds. That can help considerably with depression and one's self-image. As a side bonus you'll also have loads of energy to do more stuff throughout the day.
Still, depression is serious business. It can really break and consume you if you let it. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 8:32:43 AM | | I am not sure if telling people who don't you know you well enough yet that you have depression is a good idea, or classifies as honesty. Many people think that depression means suicidal, will get a gun and shoot his kids, etc etc. Some of the funniest wittiest I met are suffering from depression, and many celebrities are suffering from it and still functional. For the sake of honesty, you may want to break it down for them in terms of how it is likely to affect their lives and yours; I don't like going out on short notice, I don't like crowded places, etc etc. JMO. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 9:11:07 AM | I agree with the others in terms of how to deal with the depression so I won't touch on that.
In terms of finding a woman (this is not going to be very politically correct)... try not to date a very upbeat, happy woman. This will drain her. Try to find someone who is either a little bit negative or moody herself. You will be able to understand each other and each of your mood swings.
Why am I saying this? I am not being insensitive or mean... this actually has context. I have a friend who is similar. He is a GREAT guy... but yeesh! When he was single, I honestly had no idea who he was going to find because of his issues. Enter a VERY nice girl who is a bit of a "Debbie downer" herself... and poof! They've been together for 7 years now and just bought a house. They understand each other in a way that others cannot. They are an amazing couple! They are my "eeyore" friends (which makes me giggle) - but they are both incredible. It's strange... but it works!  | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 10:08:13 AM |
So what's a guy like me to do? I know that it's not easy to be around me and the potential mate has to be very patient with me.
Comments? Suggestions?
I agree with what many others have said here in terms of dealing with the depression itself. I also agree that full disclosure isn't necessary in the very, very early stages of dating - personally I would want to know a little about how someone views the world and have an idea that I could see potential to fully relate with someone before disclosing such private health info.
Having been on different sides of depression - inside as well as outside in various types of relationship - it can be challenging. I would suggest that when you do eventually talk about it, be able to communicate what the other person might expect. Having an idea of what to expect can really help a non-sufferer hang in there through the worst parts. Is your depression level consistent? Do you experience cycles where you withdraw for days or weeks or months at a time? Is it better to be left completely to yourself or is the other person to reaching out to you welcomed during these times? What triggers the rise in your anxiety levels and what are your panic attacks like? Also, be able to communicate how you deal with your depression and the panic/anxiety disorder in their various phases. As has been stated in previous posts, it is likely going to be important for the other person to know you are consistently and actively dealing with it - trying.
As curiousaboutu77 stated, the non-suffering party can feel disconnected from you and a part of your life. It can feel to them as if they've been shut out. From the outside looking in it can be challenging even for those who might have experienced a bout of depression or two, but if they've never suffered it might be pretty difficult to relate to and accept. Not impossible though. I agree with curious, your communication skills are going to be pretty crucial.
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/25/2009 11:33:28 AM | You have a tough road to go on, but it isn't that much different from any of the others out here with built-in problems. I have a severely handicapped son, who I will have to care for one way or another for my entire life, plus various other difficulties and limitations.
All any of it means, is that the available dating/relationship pool is more limited for you and I than it is for the more fortunate.
That means the best WE can do, is to recognize our search will take longer, and we will have to work harder, and get luckier than the average schmo.
I wish you good fortune in your own search. I am a hopeful romantic myself, so though I know both of us will have a tough time, I believe we can both get there.
Good luck.
By the way, my sister has your same condition, so I understand what you face. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/26/2009 12:37:03 AM | | I have tried CB and unfortunately, it gets to the point where I spend all my time focusing on what I'm thinking. In my case, the cure is worse than the disease. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/26/2009 12:39:32 AM | | Yes, exercise does relieve depression, but one of the problems with severe depression is that you don't have the energy to exercise. Sometimes it's all I can do to get out of bed much less go outside and take a walk. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/26/2009 12:44:50 AM | | Despite the depression I know that I have a lot to offer to the right lady. I'm intelligent, insightful, thoughtful and in general a very nice person to be around. Sadly, the depression casts a pall upon that and most people can't see past it to get to the good parts. That's the main problem I deal with. (That and the anxiety meeting somebody new and worrying about how good an impression I'll make.) | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/26/2009 12:44:59 AM | | I don't have any advice, but I sincerely wish you the best of luck! | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/26/2009 1:59:11 AM | I think you should try harder to find a way of helping yourself. You have an excuse for everything.
If your illness is so debilitating that you can't get out of bed, you must ask yourself why a woman would want to be your lover.
I know you've got a great personality and you're witty and charming, but ...when? How long do you go between bouts? Is it a constant?
Try harder, OP. Don't give in to it and say "I can't".
Please reconsider going back to your doctor. You need medication to at least enable you to gain the motivation to help yourself.
Good luck. I hope it all works it for you, OP. Don't give up. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/26/2009 2:37:18 AM | SoftAndHappy might have something in looking for a certain personality "type"--not that it's easy to do, but something to maybe mix in with all the other input. I've noticed that along the personality spectrum are extreme variances in emotional lability. I think of one man in particular who is married to a lady who suffers from depression also. He's intelligent, steady, patient--so much the same all the time that some think he's boring and pedantic. But he's SWEET to love this lady so devotedly and be her bedrock through the lows.
How to find/identify that personality who can complement all your good traits and interests without being drawn into depression is a huge challenge. But in addition to being ethical, you're a smart fellow. I will also say to do whatever it takes to add even a little exercise to your other treatments--even if you have to start with just deep breathing in the bed. Endorphins resulting from physical acctivity have carried me through many an emotional crisis. I wish you the best. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/26/2009 3:40:10 AM |
Yes, exercise does relieve depression, but one of the problems with severe depression is that you don't have the energy to exercise. Sometimes it's all I can do to get out of bed much less go outside and take a walk. With that attitude, you are certainly beaten.
As mentioned by Friendly, the antidepressants will assist you with the energy level you need to get yourself into a routine. It doesn't happen overnight, it will take a few months to get things to the point where you need to work out and get the endorphines going because that will be your drive and ambition.
Trust me, there was a time when I was working out for an average of ten hours a week and I couldn't sleep properly if I didn't do an hour of sit-up, jogging, aerobics or whatever before bed. But right after the work out and a shower, I was asleep within minutes and waking up feeling rested and ready to tackle the day.
Find someone that will help you get motivated if you need to... but don't use not being able to get out of bed as an excuse when it already appears that you don't take meds because of some other reason... after a time, the excuses get tiring and anyone you become involved with will see those excuses as the crutches you are using to stop yourself from getting better.
Ultimately, everyone has their sob story and tales of woe, and in the end, that's all it is, a story that gets really old really fast. | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/26/2009 5:07:33 AM | HI Op,
I know that when you feel depressed it is very difficult to find the energy to exercise. You literally have to drag yourself to the gym or get a friend to drag you. It will feel absolutely awful to get there but once you are finished your workout the benefits will be amazing. I guarantee you will leave the gym feeling like a different person. I know this from experience. I would never say to stop your medication but a combination of exercise and the right medication can do wonders.
In terms of a relationship, yes you have an illness. I think that it is great that you are upfront about it. It will probably be harder to find the ideal mate but the effort in the long run will be worth it. Who wants to be with a partner that isn't understanding and supportive anyway. Best of luck to you! | |
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| Dating and Depression
Posted: 10/26/2009 5:17:51 AM | Pills for depression can often compound or aggrevate the condition, not only in my own experience but also others I've spoken to. In today's society many people have been classed as 'suffering from depression' - so common - at some point in there lives. Changes in the pace of life, credit crunch and lack of prospects and security in life all can contribute.
When it comes to relationships some people - prospective partners - can handle depression or mood swings in partners. Others will simply get fed up, especially if they themselves are 'happy' easy-going people. Some will find it draining or will feel you're burdening them, others may be able to help you through the bad times and feel like the good samaritan for being able to offer support and positivity when you need it.
I think you should be honest about it and if it puts a woman off then you know she isn't for you. I'd build a friendship first, in your shoes, then gradually reveal it. You don't have to say from a first meeting "By the way I suffer from depression". Start off as just friends, no pressure on either side. As she gets to know you - should you get on and wish to meet up repeatedly - she should then get to know you, as long as you just be yourself. Once you've established trust and a rapport then's the time to mention it. Possibly at the point where you discuss becoming more than friends, or at the point where you say you'd like things to develop into a relationship. As long as you don't lie and just be yourself all the time then you'll have done no wrong in not spelling it out immediately.
Remember also that other people's behaviour can influence your mood too - so obviously choose someone who helps you to 'pull yourself out of it', or someone who cheers you up. 2 depressive people together don't make for a good relationship. | |
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