| reality bites
Posted: 10/25/2009 9:57:24 PM | so i got the news the other day that my marriage has been a farce, 10 years down the drain all those times we had spent all those i love you's were not real. Well i cant complain too much she did give me 2 wonderful children. We were high school sweet hearts, looking back we were so young but she wanted to be with me or so i thought. We expected our first child when she was a senior and i had just graduated I was scared out of my mind to think i was going to have a child but i loved her and she loved me thats all i needed. One of the memories i will never forget is she was getting dressed and she started to cry so she called me and told me that her clothes would not fit, me like the typical just got out of high school guy didnt have any money because i spent it on a guitar I told her dont worry I will stop by to pick you up i went and returned my guitar and bought her her first pregnacy pants and thats how my life has been me giving her everything she has ever wanted. I had my life planned out, we went from living in a bad apartment to getting a house by 21 and then having another child. this was shattred by the news that she wants a divorce, no real explanation other than i dont love you any more.....
like with every relationship we have had our ups and downs, I never cheated on her, I didnt go out with my friends to the bars, I was content being at home with them some have even said to me that i was the oldest young man they new. I had to be I was a father, I worked my butt off pushing 60 hrs a week to give my family everything they wanted, she would get mad when I worked so much but she didnt complain spending it.
she told me that she doesnt love me anymore, that she hasent loved me in a long time like ever, she said that even sex was disgusting to her ( i am devestaed with that one ). she has left the house 3 times and all those times i asked her to come back I even went to couples therapy but without the couple, this is the last time i go through this I will give her what she wants, the divorce.
here is my question, why is she still checking up on me why is she still calling me asking where i am at, why does she act like nothing happend like what she said and what we are going through are just simple mundain tasks does she want me to suffer, she went out friday got home at 10pm, my sister came and picked me up to go out my soon to be x got mad, so that made me want to go out even more, she kept calling and messaging me, the next night she went out again i took the kids out to the movies and then went to bed, she got home and woke me up and told me she was there. am i crazy ( she has already contacted a lawyer and started the paper work) what does she want from me.... | |
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| reality bites
Posted: 10/25/2009 10:09:29 PM | your soul...
just that.... | |
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| reality bites
Posted: 10/25/2009 11:03:26 PM | No 1.. Not the best idea to look for new on a dating site when you proclaim to be broken hearted.. It's not fair to you or who ever you meet.. although I do give you kudos for being honest about "going through a divorce" Are you still living together?
No 2.. And most important: When a women tells you she's not happy that you're working too much, Listen to her. Negotiate what's she's willing to give up so you can be more of a compantion to her. If you need to work too much because you can't afford neccessities is one thing.. just to give her "what she wants" is foolish. (as you've discovered)
No. 3.. If you are still living together she hasn't realized yet that she doesn't have the right to question you or your whereabouts unless it concerns the children and their well being.. If you are living separately then just tell her what the deal is and she chose it without trying to remedy. By the sounds of it, She hasn't disassociated or given up her desire to be in control of you as yet. | |
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Posted: 10/26/2009 5:09:47 AM |
so i got the news the other day that my marriage has been a farce, 10 years down the drain all those times we had spent all those i love you's were not real. Well i cant complain too much she did give me 2 wonderful children. We were high school sweet hearts, looking back we were so young but she wanted to be with me or so i thought. We expected our first child when she was a senior and i had just graduated I was scared out of my mind to think i was going to have a child but i loved her and she loved me thats all i needed. One of the memories i will never forget is she was getting dressed and she started to cry so she called me and told me that her clothes would not fit, me like the typical just got out of high school guy didnt have any money because i spent it on a guitar I told her dont worry I will stop by to pick you up i went and returned my guitar and bought her her first pregnacy pants and thats how my life has been me giving her everything she has ever wanted. I had my life planned out, we went from living in a bad apartment to getting a house by 21 and then having another child. this was shattred by the news that she wants a divorce, no real explanation other than i dont love you any more.....
Well...if anything I couldn't say you were irresponsible to your children. when she told you she was pregnant, you didn't run off, which is a hell of a lot more than what I could say about most men. - **note** I said most NOT all.
It hurts to be told by the other person they don't love you anymore. Been there and done that and boy, oh boy does it ever hurt. - especially when you did everything to keep it all going. From providing for your family to not spending nights out with the boys at the bars and clubs. Sounds like you have given and given and given and basically wound up with nothing in return.
she has left the house 3 times and all those times i asked her to come back I even went to couples therapy but without the couple, this is the last time i go through this I will give her what she wants, the divorce.
here is my question, why is she still checking up on me why is she still calling me asking where i am at, why does she act like nothing happend like what she said and what we are going through are just simple mundain tasks does she want me to suffer, she went out friday got home at 10pm, my sister came and picked me up to go out my soon to be x got mad, so that made me want to go out even more, she kept calling and messaging me, the next night she went out again i took the kids out to the movies and then went to bed, she got home and woke me up and told me she was there. am i crazy ( she has already contacted a lawyer and started the paper work) what does she want from me....
Well............I guess my feeling is since she walked out 3 times and now hopefully is the 4th and final time, and said she was through so she is. Why you took her back the previous 3 times is totally beyond my comprehension, but what is done is done. Basically, she is now checking up/keeping tabs on you to try to keep control of you. She is playing head games with you. She is wanting you to get on your hands and knees and beg her to come back, which hopefully, you now won't do. The on/off again crap is unstable, not good for you or your kids and hopefully won't happen anymore.
Okay.....so she filed the papers, now get on with it. Outside the matters of your kids, It is now none of her business what you are doing in your spare time. If you wish to go out to dinner or a movie with your sister, then go. It is none of her business. As long as your kids are safe and you aren't doing anything that isn't kosher, then she has no need to know.
Okay.....so down the road you go. Live your life, take care of yourself and the kids. Take time to diffuse and heal from the situation and set your boundaries with your soon to be ex wife. Meaning, let her know you will only communicate with her only when it comes to matters pertaining to your children. Nothing more, nothing less. Treat/communicate with her as you would your banker, accountant, co-worker, - you get the idea. Don't get overly personal with her but don't be combatitive.
Above all, make sure your kids know they are loved and you will always be there for them. - they need this right now.
What you may wish to do is head to divorce care class. My friend went to it and found it to be very very helpful for her. It is a Christian/Faith based support group designed for those who are contemplating, actually going through or who have been through the process of divorce and deals with subjects of anger, lonliness, dealing with finances, the legal system, your ex, your kids, and how to move on. It is a DVD/open floor format is also confidential. The website for this is: www.divorcecare.org. - and has a ton of resources and also daily uplifting emails as well. It also has a group finder - just plug in your ZIP code and hopefully a group will be near you. I strongly encourage you to attend, as I think it will help you.
In the meantime here are a couple of good resources you might want to check out:
Divorce Hangover a Step-By-Step Prescription for Creating a Bright Future After Your Marriage Ends. Anne M. Wather, M.S. 1991 ISBN 0-671-70331-5
The Divorce Recovery Sourcebook. Dawn Bradley Berry 1998 ISBN 0-7373-0002-7
Take your time, heal, move on, and don't date for a while. - that is the last thing you need at this point. Take care of yourself and your kids. Good Luck, GodSpeed, and keep us posted. | |
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| reality bites
Posted: 10/26/2009 10:31:33 AM | Despite her rants, I'm sure not EVERYTHING was a farce. She's just being harsh and cruel, because she's feeling empty inside and looking for a scapegoat, which, due to proximity for the last 10 years, happens to be you. Her own unhappiness lies within herself. Unencumbered by domesticity, she should go get a job now and work so she knows what you've been going through. If she's disgusted with sex, maybe she's become disgusted with her own body as well as yours and is externalizing. Getting older sucks.
As far as why she's still checking up on you, she misses the routine, the comfort, and, yes, maybe she still loves you in her own way. I think she's being a nut, but let her run around like an idiot; meanwhile, love those kids. For better or worse, she'll continue to be a part of their lives. Try to be as civil as you can for their sake. Meanwhile, happily dole out those alimony payments and be a little more cautious next time before remarrying someone else...just date. | |
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| reality bites
Posted: 10/28/2009 8:09:59 PM | thank you all for the advice
the reason i joined the site was because of the forums i read a couple of posts and saw that there were others who have gone through this and some are so similar that it is scary. thanks for the links regarding the help on divorce and how to cope, i will look into that. thanks again for the support, just got to take it one step at a time | |
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Posted: 10/28/2009 10:29:04 PM | | in the end OP in times like this that's all you can do is take it 1 step at a time. | |
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Posted: 10/29/2009 11:56:49 AM | OP, if you haven't been to a lawyer, go....like yesterday.
Don't let her into your new life at all. Talk about the kids, nothing else. Cut her out completely. It will be easier on you. | |
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| reality bites
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:11:22 PM | Yes.. get a lawyer.. and then go for and get FULL custody of the kids. YOU stayed when you were scared as hell.. and have provided an intact home starting at a very young age..
NOW she is doing this "I've fallen OUT of love with you and you were a lousy lay and by the way I'm going to expect YOU to continue to provide FOR me while I****you around regarding your time, your life etc.. (I know a runon sentence)
Get full custody.. she doesnt want YOU and what YOU bring to the table.. touch crapola.. SHE can go get a better job and support the FAMILY that she is abandoning.
Oh.. dont let her try to sex you up back into a weak point.. remember what she told you about not liking it with you anyway.
She is appearing to be scum and you need to be rigid and firm and harsh if necessary. Get your parents help with the kids if you need to.. but YOU keep the house since it is the KIDS HOME.. SHE can leave.. since SHE doesnt want to be IN this family anymore.
Get some big brass ones, stop whimpering on these forums and man up!
Edit: Oh.. it seems you've done most of the stuff I put in my "how to become a mature man" posts that you can find in my posting history.. but here's one more..
Go lose those "few extra pounds" you say you have.. get back to what used to be called "Your fighting weight".. It will be good for your health physically.. the endorphins will be good for your mental health while you are going through this.. and it will set a good example for your kids.. Heck.. at 28.. BUFF UP.
THEN once you get those kids and house.. and have kicked that biotch out.. get settled into a good single parenting routine before you date.
ALWAYS put your kids first.. dont let ANYONE you date meet your kids until they are serious about you.. and you them. | |
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