| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 10/26/2009 6:40:39 PM | If I tell my next girlfriend (whenever that will happen) that I have severed my relationship with one of the familly like all my aunts on my moms side what will she think? Should I not mention it until she asks latter? Like does it matter if I tell her? Will she accept it or jump to conclusions and make up her own and fear me?
Ok here is the story I am about to tear another strip off my moms sister for being so controlling and a **** and still trying to guilt me?
I have told in the most polite ways in the past to stop and that it won't work on me yet she does it again. When I had a thanksgiving there my uncle and then my aunt (his wife) made a comment that it was bad of me of not waking up to go to the church with them, they were ridiculing until I said it was enough and walked away ignoring them this time. I would said more but while my cousin was out for groceries his little kids were still there so I decided to keep my lips sealed for the sake of the kids other than that I would of blown up. I have written up exactly what I want to say and that I had enough of the bs. I cannot stand being alone with them (my aunt and uncle) it gives me a chills and surpressed anger that will probably never leave). My uncle will always ignore me and or if doesn't he will just belittle me when we are alone. In my aunt case, there is a history I cannot forgive just because laid out her anger on me because my grandma favored my mom over and that my grandma would use all sorts of abuse tactics to make her feel small and little did my aunt she repeated what her mom did but to me. (yes I lived there) Opinions and individualism weren't allowed in the household, we all to walk and talk the same and pretend to very catholic. I do not want to surround myself in that kind of everionment anymore. I have always been the most strong minded and stubborn amongst the familly except I in last while I have not spole up too much fearing I will make a huge rift and lose my cousins because of it. | |
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| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 10/27/2009 1:39:26 PM | | You say "whenever that will be" ... does this new girlfriend exist yet or are you speculating on what the future may bring? If not, you want posters here to determine how a non-existent person will react should you tell them about breaking from your family, when we know nothing about said girl's personality/character. If that's the case, flip a coin to decide how she'd react. | |
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| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 10/28/2009 2:25:48 PM | OP; I can relate! About three years ago, I cut off contact with a few select extended members of my family for my own sanity & peace of mind as well, and to this very day, I'm very glad I did!
If it means cutting off all contact with certain family members and doing whatever it takes, (even if it means calling The Police!)- so be it! Family or not, NOBODY has the right to bully/harass and/or abuse others. A person has every right to establish healthy boundaries.
By the way OP, Good for you for holding your temper in front of the children! That shows A LOT of maturity, tact & responsibility on your part!
All The Best! | |
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| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 10/31/2009 2:37:47 PM | Royal Majesty
I am now beyond the point caring what other familly members think that I don't like the other familly member.
Yes I do have certain tact but at times I fly off the lid when I am finally had enough of someone treating me like shit. Up until recently when someone pissed me off I would hide it and use silent treatement but often I found that it didn't almost always work. NoW I longer let people keep guessing that if I am pissed of at them or not I rather let it all out but I do try to act mature and not act out of control when I speak up my mind. The I let stew inside me the more it drives me insane to no end. | |
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| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 11/4/2009 10:48:44 PM | | No she won't. Somewhere in the dark recesses of her mind will always be the thought that if you couldn't get along with family how could you get along with her. She will be subconciously watching for signs and wondering if you can cut off from blood relatives how easy it would be for you to cut off from her. She'll say it doesn't bother her and that she understands the reasons,but she won't truly accept nor believe. You're doomed to plodding through life alone and bitter. But hey it can't be all that bad. | |
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| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 11/8/2009 10:45:51 AM | S. Guardian, the answer is :
Dudley's right....it calls up questions...or at least it should if this mysterious someone who does not exist ever appears and .....is a healthy person.....and
Its a non-issue!!
and that means "IT ALL DEPENDS"
However, the very fact that you are asking this question hypothetically before meeting someone says more about you. I read your experience and I see you are having a problem with this within yourself.
The "guilts" being brought up as a Catholic are as difficult to shake as the "shames" of being brought up a Jew.
But when you grow up you actually overcome these by embracing them....
Quit fighting!
Let your Life speak for the greatness you bring to your family. Not your Words.
People do NOT make you feel ANYTHING!
YOU make yourself feel what you feel. People only have power over YOU and YOUR FEELINGS as far as you LET them.
Make a differentiation between unacceptable ACTIONS and that it is not the PERSON you are condemning
I have (as many others have as earlier expressed) had to limit or curtail further contact with some very close relatives due thier negativity toward me. But actually it was THEY who curtailed their association with me when I confronted THIER BAD BEHAVIOR. In so many words I told them I would not tolerate nor accept their negative words and behaviors toward me after years of putting up with it.
Their reaction was to cut me off. So be it! From my perspective, if they can ever accept thier behavior toward me as inappropiate ...if they can ever quit justifying their bad actions I would forgive and forget...OTHERWISE, So be it! It is what it is! | |
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| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 11/8/2009 1:33:18 PM | Tempt
I have come to that realization as well, all along I thought it was me who was the problem but the more I search my inner feelings I see it more clearly its not me its them. For long I tried hard to pretend all was fine meanwhile I was resenting it for trying. Most times I am there i get this cold feeling and when I come bacc home I feel grumpy. Perhaps it is why my last girlfriend often opted going with me to that part of the familly, because she knew how much I despised their behavior towards me. The christmas holidays are coming and I firmly decided not to go. | |
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| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 11/9/2009 6:18:28 PM | Silent one...I think you miss the point....IT IS YOU!!
The fact that YOU are not going during the holidays makes my point.
Until YOU can spend time with them and no matter what they say or do DOES NOT IMPACT you...(feel grumpy, get cold feelings) then the problem exists in YOU.
(now this doesn't mean that we should not avoid some circumstances ...but its an assumption but I don't see your circumstance warrenting that ..not yet anyway)
What I am recommending is that you calmly, firmly, and with full compsure (if you are unable to gain control of yourself DO NOT ATTEMPT this as it will actually produce the opposite results)...confront the person who is making innapropriate statements...and tell them that their actions are inappropriate and that you do not appreciate their interference into your business and if they cannot control themselves, then THEY should leave. | |
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| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 11/12/2009 10:41:38 PM | Nope that will not work, my aunt already used the guilt crap and start talking crap against me with her kids ... I am not gonna pretend and put up a fake face again ( at their chistmas) just to pretend things fine are and give that fake family is together crap. The only reason I went out there was to see my cousins and to give that appearance the family is together is strong, even though there daughter sorta long ago abandoned the family 20 yrs ago.
Respect can go long way and I wasn't getting it. And everybody else I know knew except me. | |
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| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 11/13/2009 7:41:17 AM | Guardian the more you expect to parent another adult prooves your in baked expectations and off in a unreal expectation of life....
and a big goodluck to your respect to yourself if you can not grasp where your civil rights end!
greatpost dudlers and karma.....indeed wet behind the ears just a bit.
maturity comes when you realize that kid...not in a false notion that you need to be your partners daddy. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww get the codependant additude out of your brain and stop pretending cuz your only polorizing into dysfunctional love...straight up! think some more kid! | |
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| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 11/14/2009 10:44:38 AM | Peeky! I think I actually understood most of that. And yes, in your rather blunt way, you have hit the boy on the head.
sorry fella but if you come to us drug store psychiatrists for answers, you are likely going get over-the -counter advice that is not always sugar coated.
So let me try this one more time..
What ia being presented to you is not meant to condone or ask you to over look any of your family's actions..namely I think its ONE AUNT! However, NO MATTER what the cicumstances YOU HAVE THE CHOICE ON HOW TO REACT TO HER!! There is NO ONE making you feel angry, insulted ot whatever it is YOU FEEL....YOU ARE MAKING yourself feel those things....YOU CAN MAKE YOURSELF feel differently about what she says...YOU COULD FRAME HER WORDS in a different context to make them more palatible to you ...IF THERE IS GOOD CAUSE for you to be in her presence.
On the other hand, now I am seeing from your last comment that you are AT HER PLACE so you can spend time with your cousins.....WTF????
Why are you even considering going someplace where you are not welcome.? Your aunt doesn't accept you for who you are...justified or not...
I am sorry it doesn't even make sense that you are invited let alone you would go to where you are not wanted.....and if that is the case why would you bother coming on here asking for our opinions?
Somehow, I think there is more ON YOUR PART that is going on then you are letting on. | |
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| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 11/14/2009 10:58:02 AM | Silent Guiardian, read the book "Toxic People" it will really provide more understanding to your dilema, it was written by a professional, and illustrates ways to better deal with difficult people in your life.
We all have different levels of what/how we allow others to treat us. We grow up being told that we pick our friends and deal with our families, and unfortunately this is true. However the home grown insturctuions end there, and many people who we are related to abuse the priviledge and responsibility they have to other members of their family. It is not appropriate for anyone in any family, to use emotional ties to abuse or blackmail another family member.
There are times when standing up to them works and other times when it will not. Most family members who emotionally abuse or blackmail others in their family are nothing more than selfish, self serving, bullies. The book shows different ways to deal effectively with different types of toxic people, and sometimes the only way to rescue yourself is to have nothing to do with them.
I know this from experiences in my own family and at different times in my life with in-laws. I am no longer troubled by the toxic people in my life, and when I encounter a new toxic person, I pull out my reference book and take quick appropriate action. The book has really helped me and is a better value than countless hours talking to a therapist.
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| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 11/14/2009 2:22:32 PM | Karma tissue is under the other heel..............34 years old so 34 years of what...arrogants.
do not present 34 years of that and expect it to listen to logic if it has not found it's way to proffessionals yet...............wtf.
the notion that you own other's choice and assume high ground is ridiculous for that age range.....and no person has ever told him the that....too bad now they have.
straight up, is not going to harm that arrogant character because he relates to the energy within to overcome his own image. SOLID
mirror mirror ouch....rubs heel....i hate drop kickin but sometimes is what is effective in catching the energy and not pretending it is always pretty either.
goodluck kid find yourself some programe to learn to not pretend......cuz the energy your tossin is not going to impress any "adult" woman...guaranteed.
it is not attractive to do but someone had to...on his azz he might just grasp the listen to the people who do not buy into his victim stories to.....callin it out is not going to be easy but somewhere under that pile is a survivor kid. goodluck. | |
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| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 11/15/2009 6:51:31 PM | whoa Peeky !! A little bit too much literary privilege taken there....us mortals in our limited ability to understand such high level communication had much of that go over our heads..*smile*
Hey Hay! As much as your recommendations sounds like an Oprah book....I think it a great suggestion for The Silent One...who seems to have gone silent.
Its my guess that he doesn't like to be challenged. And is likely to repeat mistakes of the past. Under those circumstances My answer to his original question is :
YES, IT WILL MATTER TO THE GIRL YOU START TO DATE THAT YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH FAMILY MEMBERS! WHY? BECAUSE IT MATTERS TO YOU!!! | |
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| Will my new girlfriend (whenever that will be) accept me for breaking up from the familly?
Posted: 11/21/2009 2:51:54 PM | yes peek and tempt there is some bad history with my aunt and uncle that I dare not to share with you. All I can say is there youngest and daughter have issues with them as well. The youngest one is in the middle of a divorce and pretends nothing is wrong because he knows he will be disowned by his parents. There is no way to deal with them, they just use guilt and silent treatment and go biblical on you and say you are the evil one. Myself I cannot live in that kind of environment and nor do I want my future significant other smothered in this toxicity. Yes some people can survive in that kind chaotic family environment like a dandelion but not lets forget not everyone is built the same ( even in the bloodlines) like an orchid which can only be nurtured in the right stimulating environment these people like are prone to not take stress all that well which affect the person physically and mentally.
Family or not family everyone deserves respect. Besides my mom never liked her own sister (myself in the past I was trying to do the christian catholic way by not questioning family elders and always look for the good in people even though I was getting disrespected.
Yes I get invited to their family christmas but it is merely for show that the family is together. There daughter almost never shows up. Numerous times recently I have tried to discuss touchy subject with her but right away denies or says she forgets or makes up a story. My uncle well he is stubborn and does not talk much and thinks he is always right don't dare to say otherwise, the last time I was there he muttered something against me again behind my back while I was heading outside. Do I need this crap anymore? I say no. Nobody does and that includes me.
Hay that sounds like a good book I will have to add this to my long list of books I have to read. | |
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