t771t
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Joined: 10/20/2009
Msg: 1 | |
| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 6:54:17 AM | I really need your advice here, and if the bashing typical in these forums can be kept to a minimum, we might get a result I can work with - thanks in advance.
I'm flawed, not perfect, a human, prone to make mistakes and bad judgement just like you and everyone else.
Divorced after 20 years - she found another guy on an internet chat site, now they are married, amen and good luck.
Child of immigrants to Canada in the 1970's, all our food came from Knob Hill Farms or the back yard, all house furnishings and clothes from Honest Ed's. Getting that picture?
I have no relatives at all in Canada except my children. My ex saw to it that they never got close to me. None of the redneck family warmed up to me in 20 years because I was foreign and of a different religion. Almost all the friends disappeared after the divorce.
Career over, laid off many times from high tech companies who went under.
So, thats my bio. I dated a pile of people over the years as I tried to see where my life was headed. Had some relationships, and each ended when I seemed to help restore their self confidence and self worth destroyed by their ex's, and off they went back to their ex's...goateed bad boy bikers.
I decided that this year, 2009, I would coast, date casually, get nookies if lucky, not take things seriously, and next year, blow this joint, sell the house and assets, and do a 10 year trip around the world, teaching english as I go, live the adventure I've been dreaming of my whole life. I've already been to 24 countries and over 500 cities, according to that app in face book. I'd gone to 15 schools in 4 countries by the time I was in grade 9.
So, I meet a lady in March...we get along, have a couple of dates, and she falls for me. I'm only the 2nd man she has ever dated her entire life. She married her high school boyfriend, who left her for another woman 3 years ago. The girl is infatuated with me, and I must admit, she has all the qualities I'd been seeking as well. We travel together, spend every weekend together, (she lives 80 miles away), in essence unexpectadly, become a couple. My kids like her, her family accepted me (unlike my ex's redneck racist family) and adores me (they knew her ex quite well and are extremely happy for her that she found someone of integrity)
Throughout this though, I made it no secret that I had plans to do my travel. She was aware of this from chatting here before we even met for the first time.
Now, she is dropping hints about long term. I have no desire to go there. I already did the house with the picket fence and turkey dinners and all that other domestic family stuff. She is not mentioning that she'd like to join me on the 10 year global journey. Physical health issues she has would probably prevent that anyway.
This is my dilemna. Should I stay or should I go now? Canada, with all it has to offer, is not my birth home. It never made me feel welcome. Racism is alive and well in this multicultural society. With nothing here fo rme, there is no reason to stay. Parents returned to the "old country" a decade ago after making it here. I love the travel experience...a backpack, new country, eat and sleep where the locals eat and sleep, experience new cultures, sights smells and tastes, history, thats how I plan to spend the next 10 years.
And "she" is now doing that "lets spend the rest of our lives together on a porch swing watching the sun set every night" thing.
My whole life has been ensuring that those around me are happy, at the expence and cost of my own happiness, and it's happening again.
No matter what is decided, someone will be angry, sad, upset, heartbroken.
Your thoughts? | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:08:37 AM | She was hoping she could change your mind. The key here is that she's fallen for you and it sounds like you did not fall for her even though she has the qualities that you've been seeking.
Break the cycle of your patterns. You've stated that it is happening again and now you have yet another woman done wrong by her ex. What if, like the others he comes back to her and you have let go of your dream?
Regret is such a bitter bill. Take your 10 year journey, then find the woman of yours dreams. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:10:57 AM | I say go. I read and re-read your post several times and even though my answer is short and simple, I get that there is a lot at stake and I empathise with your position.
But ultimately, I feel that staying would be worse than going, not just for you but for everyone.
Good luck to you...
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:11:22 AM | Your life desire is to do your travel and find your placein the world. She knew your direction prior. She is selfish herself not wanting what you want but wants you to live out her dream of doing nothing but staying in Canada with her. You two are not suited for a future together. You may enjoy her company and she yours but that is today, not tommorrow and you will resent someone holding you back and staying in a place you deplore. YOu both have lives to live and if one doesnt include the other in a way they want thier future to be then its not a good match.
You should go, good luck in your future years traveling and teaching. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:11:57 AM | Tough choice regardless of which one you make. I can't tell you which path to follow, no one can. I would urge you to follow your heart... decide which one you want and love more, the travel and teaching, or the woman. Once that decision is made, then your choice will be obvious.
I realize that this is the crux of the problem, but truly, the choice has to be yours and yours alone. I would take the path of least regret meaning I'd follow my heart even if it meant leaving someone behind. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:15:21 AM | You know you're the only one who knows the answer.
Stay with her. (Do you want to go now?)
Or go do your own thing. (Do you want to stay now?)
What is your reaction to the answers your posts gets? There's your answer. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:18:02 AM | I think you should go ahead with your plans. She will be upset but you cannot change your life for someone you have only know for a few weeks. Make your travel plans, pack your bags and be a little smarter than to hook up with someone when you have no intentions of sticking around.
You can get 'nookies' without taking up the time of a person who has already gone through a lot of the same BS you did. You had to realize that being introduced to her family, spending every weekend together and becoming what the rest of the world would view as a couple was sending very mixed messages to her. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:19:22 AM | OP can we please make these threads shorter instead of putting all that coloured coated long explanations and just get to the point.
Simple she wants you and you see her as a quick bang and move on.
No one can tell you the road to travel it's your choice.
BOLYOYO. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:19:55 AM | wow.
This just blows me away and it made me think of my favorite movie, Its a Wonderful Life with Jimmy Stewart. He tries all his life to get away from home and visit the world and do things but ends up getting caught by the family's needs. He ends up staying home and taking care of things. Its a good movie.
I will say from experience that I put my wants on hold for 12 yrs to care for my mother until she died 8 yrs ago. Do I regret it? No because it helped shape me in a special way. Im free now and enjoying life.
It seems you will just need to decide which is more important to you at this stage in your life. Just like Jimmy Stewart was dead set about his plans, love came along and changed everything.
Who's to say that just because your girl has only had two men in her life that she isnt investing in the right man for her? Ive dated alot. More than I probably should have and still havent found love. And well..... you havent said you love her. Do you love her? I think there lies your answer to what you need to do.
If youre just enjoying her company then move along reassuring her that youve enjoyed her company and will never forget her. And that's what youve got to do for her sake. Be man enough to leave her alone and let her find that someone to love her. But if a part of you is saying you couldnt stand it having another man caress her and make those sweet memories with her then you have an answer.
If by chance youre wanting to get away because of the hurt over the years and lack of acceptance and got the "By God, Im gonna find my own way" as if youre gonna take your ball and go home then you should not make any plans to do anything until youve maybe had a good long talk with yourself about why youre wanting to leave.
<div class="quote">My whole life has been ensuring that those around me are happy, at the expence and cost of my own happiness, and it's happening again.
Maybe youve found your destiny in life already. Are you saying youve not been happy not once? Most men with leadership qualities endure much but love it too.
I just know youll never be happy doing something that leaves you with a regret on your heart. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:21:47 AM | You mention she has all the qualities you’re seeking (even though a woman who does not want to travel, seems like a mismatch to me); your kids like her; her family accepts you; and she adores YOU. However, out of everything you wrote, you NEVER mentioned how you FEEL about her. Are you in LOVE with her?
With nothing here for me, there is no reason to stay.
Even Josh Baskins confessed to Susan in “Big” that he could only think of one reason to stay...HER. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:25:32 AM | They have rednecks in Canada?
That's interesting. I thought that was an American thing.
Did they make the pool out of the back of a truck, live in a trailer and shoot beer cans or some shit like that? Do they have a southern accent and are often referred to as 'white trash'? Or does Canada have a different version of being a redneck?
Anyways, you already know what you want and what you want to do. You've already written it and you want some confirmation on it. Do you and travel. You say you already did the family domestic thing and you usually wind up getting the short of end of the stick. You say you've sacrificed your happiness for other people's happiness so now you wanna do what makes you happy. She can't be too disappointed in that because you say she knew from the getgo and you didn't just spring this on her. Sounds like you don't mind parting with the relationship but you'll be disappointed if you don't do this travel thing. And you can be disappointed with the relationship thing later but I doubt you'll be disappointed with traveling the world once that done. So do that. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:54:02 AM | look-u have to do what u think is going to make u happiest....can u see urself staying and being happy with this woman who"has all the qualities" that ur seeking...or do u think u'd eventually resent her for "making" u stay put and not follow ur dreams?
if u say she knew about ur plans-then SHE has put hrself in the position to be hurt-and thats on her....ultimately is ur call.....and it is a delimna.... | |
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PiggyT
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Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 13 | |
| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:57:31 AM | The OP is outtie....
No sense in continuing this one. Maybe us redneck Canucks got him and are doing a Deliverance... I mean delivery. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 7:58:28 AM | Do your thing!!!!!...in the future do not enter into a relationship its selfish to let someone fall in love with you only to pull the plug when you know in your heart your not in a postion to fall in love with her.....you already know the final chapters of your life.
Posters can say what they want about this woman about already knowing your future plans.....woman are emotional creatures our emotions are what guide us its the way we are built...the more time you spend with her the more bonded she becomes. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 8:17:37 AM | Instead of chatting to a group of total strangers that some want to bash this lady you have spent so many wonderful months with, why not have a serious sit down talk to her...
Holidays are around the corner, and I am sure she and her family would be expecting to blend you in the mix...
You state she hasn't mentioned traveling with you, have you asked her if she would do that?
Perhaps she can't climb Mt Everest, but she can sit at base camp waiting for you to do your climb.
It is about compromise if you really love her. If not, and she was just a comfortable blanket for the time being, then let her know, and get on with it already.... Life is short, and who the heck knows what will happen in the next few years.
Sometimes people fail to communicate what they really want, and it seems if you have ALWAY appeased others, then YOU did not make it a point to let these people know what you really want... I know all about doing this, because I always like to make everyone else happy as well... Never worked out real well, and in the end, I felt frustrated and alone in my own despair of doing what ever it took to make others happy ...
It seem to me instead of just thinking about this journey you want to take, talk to this lady. Tell her how you REALLY feel, and why, sure you can let her know that you care deeply for her if you do... However sometimes you have to man up, and say what you really want in your life, and that you don't want to create a silent regret.
People get hurt, feel disappointed, sad upset, et al, and sometimes we are the cause of this, but if you are FAIR and HONEST with them, then how they feel is on them... Don't drag things out, because then it becomes something YOU could have lessen the blow on... JMHO | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 8:56:31 AM |
Now, she is dropping hints about long term. I have no desire to go there. I already did the house with the picket fence and turkey dinners and all that other domestic family stuff.
I am finding that pretty much every man over 40 is turning into selfish prick. Get what THEY want from anyone they can get it from, and then whine because they're not feeling connected to anything. ARGH | |
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PiggyT
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Joined: 9/14/2009
Msg: 18 | |
| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 9:36:42 AM |
I am finding that pretty much every man over 40 is turning into selfish prick. Get what THEY want from anyone they can get it from, and then whine because they're not feeling connected to anything. ARGH
Here we go again with the stereotyping.
Please put a lid on comments like that. They are untrue and rather annoying. I will not respond in kind as I remain a gentleman pig. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 9:38:40 AM | Invite her into YOUR lifeplan. If she goes with you, then you have your life AND the girl. If she doesnt go.. end it with dignity, kindness and a charitable spirit.
There is no blame here.. You guys just met at the wrong time.
Your drive to travel is your PASSION. NEVER sacrifice one's passion. It WILL bring resentment and it's hard to LOVE when filled with resentment.
Now.. if in the middle of your travels.. you have that Harry met Sally moment.. where he is walking the streets of NY at New Years.. and the lightbulb goes off in his head
Then you catch the next plane back and see if she still wants you and is available
James Kirk never married... for good reason
Oh.. Angry, upset, heartbroken are NOT a guarantee.. THOSE are chosen REACTIONS to the real emotion of SAD. BOTH of you will be sad. Both of you will WIND UP HAPPIER instead of a LIFE of resentment | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 9:44:18 AM | A movie OP that came to mind is the movie with Harison Ford, called Witness. Harrison Ford and a Amish women fall for one another dispite thier lives will be going in different directions. Those that have seen the movie saw that dispite the love for one another, the lives they choose to live was the over riding factor, neither could or would accept living outside of what they wanted for thier lives.
Though you care for one another, your lives are headed for different futures, you know what you want, she knows what she wants, they just dont coincide. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 10:04:36 AM | You don't seem to be in love with her -- just going along with the relationship because that's where she is taking you. She knew of your plan from the get-go, and you need to remind her of that. Don't let her continue with the "porch swing" talk. If you don't address it when she drops those hints, she might assume you are agreeing to her scenario. I imagine you will quietly resent her if you let her talk you into not going.
Sometimes you have to tend to yourself. This is one of those times. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 10:08:54 AM | It is clear that you both are looking for totally different things in life. It's sad, but these things happen.
My opinion is that you should leave now, before she becomes even more attached to you. It's the decent thing to do.
Good luck, sir. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 10:14:48 AM | OP -- Sometimes bad things happen to good people through no fault of their own, aside from them just being alive and there.
Kinda like this situation.
She seems like a great fit and the two of you "clicked" and whatnot...but you have dreams and regrettably she doesn't appear capable of sharing them all with you. She has dreams too, on the heels of being so smitten, and alas...you appear incapable (and unwilling) to share them with her. Two seemingly good people, victims of nothing more than bad timing.
Sacrifice and compromise is all part of the great "game" we play...but when one sacrifices attainable dreams, then this usually bears a regret that will consume you for the rest of your days. It will leave you a bitter, miserable shell of yourself. There are times when we get ONE chance at the attainable dream. You're not 18 anymore...this may be your ONE chance to live your dream.
It's unfortunate that the two of you didn't meet earlier, or after you already lived your dream...but that happens sometimes. Best not to wallow in it.
JMO. | |
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| Caught between that rock and hard place
Posted: 10/27/2009 10:55:07 AM | Your life seems to be one of continuous dissatisfaction. You need to find yourself first so that you can be a loving partner. With true love you want to be with the person no matter what they are doing. You obviously do not love this woman, so do her a favor and end it now and be on your merry way. You are holding her back from finding her true love.
Love has to be mutual. When you find yourself and love yourself your life will definitely turn around. | |
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