| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/27/2009 9:30:36 AM | Everyday I think about the past and the things I could have changed. I realized that she didn't appreciate anything I have done for her. When she was sick and I laid right next to her so she can feel better. When she had a high fever, I carried her to the tub and gave her a cold shower with these bare hands. When she left my house and had nowhere to go, I spend my savings to find her a place to live. When she settled in her new place, I bought her groceries without telling her. At that time, someone hacked into her bank account and she had no money.
After she promised me that she was moving to Orlando, then cheated and screwed me over, she's not the person I felt in love with. I sent her a flowers and a teddy bear through mail and she didn't even say a thank you. I was there anytime she wanted me. I opened her eyes to a lot of things in life.
She still keeps in contact with me and I still can't figure out why after all the hurtful things she has done. She apologized for how the relationship ended, but she still doesn't blame herself for what I feel. She tells me that she's not doing anything to me. She tells me that I am doing harm to myself by crying and getting my heart get hurt. It gets me so mad that I invested so much for her. I was there for her everyday, but when I needed her the most, she blows me off. I felt she didn't appreciate me enough and for the things I have done for her. I feel like I was just another guy in her life.
Have someone in your life didn't appreciate you enough? You gave it 110% and have done things out of your way because you love and care for that person? | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/27/2009 10:26:15 AM | Plain and simple......she is a user, an abuser and a loser.
You need to lose this loser and keep your life simple. If you keep on with her, she will find another way to totally take advantage of you.......again........and again........and again.......... | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/27/2009 11:25:59 AM | (She still keeps in contact with me and i cant figure out why)
She does it because you were her free lunch ticket and she wants more.
Suck it up and admit she milked your bank account dry and didnt have the balls to say no to her.
Sucker | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/27/2009 12:44:42 PM | OP... The reason that you are feeling unappreciated is because you ARE unappreciated. At some point along the way, you need to accept responsibility for the fact that you made the choice to invest in someone who has nothing to give you in return. It seems that you see this person as being in dire need of your help and it is based on that, that you think you will earn her favor but you need to realize that very few people want their lovers to see them as less than they are. Sometimes, when you "help" someone, it is the same as saying that you think they can't do whatever you're doing, for themselves. It disempowers them and makes them feel that you see them as "less" than you are.
If you expected to have a relationship with this lady in return for your investment, then you need to listen carefully to what she's saying to you. She doesn't feel the same way as you do. Your feelings about being unappreciated, blown off and like "just another guy" are likely quite appropriate so why hang around her to end up feeling more of the same???
You DO have the ability to cease contact with her and get on with your life. In future, you might want to learn how to be supportive and encouraging without having to invest your own hard-earned money in someone else's life. Consider the money you've spent to be payment for the lesson you've learned and move on. | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/27/2009 1:36:24 PM |
At that time, someone hacked into her bank account and she had no money. OOh, that's one I haven't heard in a long time! Did you believe it? | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/27/2009 1:43:36 PM | | Was she an unappreciative deabeat from day one or just after she broke up with you? | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/27/2009 2:48:28 PM |
she didn't appreciate anything I have done for her. When she was sick and I laid right next to her so she can feel better. When she had a high fever, I carried her to the tub and gave her a cold shower with these bare hands. When she left my house and had nowhere to go, I spend my savings to find her a place to live. When she settled in her new place, I bought her groceries without telling her... I sent her a flowers and a teddy bear through mail and she didn't even say a thank you. I was there anytime she wanted me... It gets me so mad that I invested so much for her... I felt she didn't appreciate me enough and for the things I have done for her.
Ah the lament of a 'nice guy', do enough unsolicited 'good deeds' for a woman and you can pressure her into a relationship with you by exploiting her sense of obligation.
Then come on here whinging:
Have someone in your life didn't appreciate you enough? You gave it 110% and have done things out of your way because you love and care for that person?
No matter what you have 'done' for her, she is not obliged to return your affection.
Gifts and trinkets and being a doormat do not a relationship make. Try growing a pair and look for a woman you can connect with, not one who only exists as a fantasy in your head.
I feel like I was just another guy in her life.
Hard lesson to learn but part of growing up. You need to grow up. | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/27/2009 5:04:39 PM | Yes Charlie.
There are days for me like you, I still lick my wounds. Those
days are getting fewer though because I focus on ME, my well being,
accepting that this person was not fiercely loyal to me and did not have
my best interest at heart.
It is a hard pill to swallow when you realize someone that you loved and
wanted a future with did not want the same with you.
It is very hard to accept that you have been used. NOT because you are
WEAK but because you are STRONG and you believe in GIVING and SHOWING
your love.
Nothing is guaranteed in life. Only death. Love is a chance we all take.
We can either crawl back under our rock or we can retreat, get strong again
and live life for ourselves. Love ourselves and be good to ourselves, not
beat ourselves up for loving someone but celebrate the fact that we can love.
They cant.
One more thing - Everything in your relationship
played out exactly how it was suppose to - you could have done nothing
to prevent it. You can not make people act the way they should - everyone
has a free will. She followed the only pattern she knows in how to treat others.
She is a very ill young lady. It is not your job to save her. Save yourself FROM
her.
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/27/2009 5:41:05 PM | What you did is selfless and shows the size of the heart you have.
I don't mean to sound like a b!tch, but that will teach you.
I did the same for someone, and, when I became ill, he let me go down and didn't even offer me his hand to give me some leverage.
He regrets that now. But it is too late.
It doesn't mean I wouldn't give my all again, but this time, I would carefully analyse who I gave it to.
Remember, God helps those who help themselves.
And, a samaritan gives what they can afford to lose, a martyr, gives more than they can afford to lose.
Don't be a martyr, people in this life don't appreciate it.
Look after yourself, and don't give unless it comes from your heart and don't give in a begrudging manner, it will endear you to no one, least of all God or the Universe.
Love yourself first and foremost.
My sympathy for your pain, but, you must rise above it and become strong once again for yourself. | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/27/2009 5:55:29 PM | Charlie, if your description of your ex is accurate, she may have strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The latest large scale study concludes that nearly 6% of the population would be clinically diagnosed as having BPD. This implies that a larger percentage has BPD traits so strong that you would not want a LTR with them even though the traits are not so severe as to be clinically diagnosed as such. Below, I will briefly describe some traits that may apply to your situation so you can decide whether it is worthwhile to read more about this disorder.
She didn't appreciate anything I have done for her.
Because BPD sufferers have little ability to regulate their emotions, they experience extremely intense feelings that sweep over them, erasing their awareness of past feelings. Hence, although their feelings are intense, they are "shallow" in the sense that they easily and quickly flip from one extreme (adoring you) to another (hating you). The result is that you can never build up any good will with them that could tide you over during the bad times.
Trying to build up good will -- or, as you say, a sense of "appreciation" -- is futile because they are simply incapable of it. Their emotional memory is so short that they cannot appreciate the hundreds of things you have done for them. Instead, they remember (at an emotional level) only what you have done for them in the past week or so. Hence, it's always "What have you done for me lately?"
She still doesn't blame herself for what I feel. She tells me that she's not doing anything to me.
One of the hallmarks of BPD is the refusal to admit a mistake or take responsibility for one's actions. This occurs because BPD sufferers have little or no sense of who they are. Absent a sense of identity to ground them, they find it too painful and frightening to acknowledge making a mistake. To avoid this pain, they project the flaw or fault onto other people, usually those closest to them. Although BPDs will lie when they are desperate, this projection of blame onto you reduces their pain only if they actually believe it. So, they usually believe the projection even though their allegation makes no sense whatsoever. This is not surprising because, for BPDs, feelings are so strong that they constitute their reality -- the facts be damned. This is why BPD is considered to be a "thought disorder." That is, it is not "craziness" but, rather, a distortion of the person's ability to perceive what your intentions are.
At that time, someone hacked into her bank account and she had no money. Yeah, sure. As I noted above, BPDs will lie when they feel desperate. In that situation, they may also try to be manipulative. They generally are not good at manipulation, however, because they are so reactive to whatever emotion is flooding through them at the moment. That is, they tend to go with the flow, not with the plan.
When I needed her the most, she blows me off.
BPD sufferers are too emotionally unstable for you to be able to rely on them supporting you when you need it. Their inability to trust anyone means you can never convince them of your love. Moreover, you can never really trust a person who is incapable of fully trusting you because they may turn on you at any time. And their black-white thinking means that they can never fully perceive you as a loving person who happens to have a few flaws. Instead, they will tend to flip between idolizing you and demonizing you.
I spend my savings to find her a place to live. I was there anytime she wanted me.
Charlie, you sound like a generous caregiver. If your exGF has strong BPD traits, however, love and caring will not fix her. On the contrary, loving her will cause her pain as you draw close. It is like trying to heal a burn patient by hugging her. The reason is that her self-image is so weak that she will feel like she is being engulfed or suffocated, losing herself into your own personality. Of course, she won't say that. Rather, she will say you are controlling, which is how she experiences it. Moreover, she has a feeling of emptiness so intense that it is impossible to make her happy for very long.
She's not the person I fell in love with.
Because they have a very weak ego, BPD sufferers readily adopt the personality and preferences of any person they are strongly attracted to. This behavior is called "mirroring." It is done not out of a desire to deceive but, rather, out of the natural desire to be loved. The result is that, for six months, you mistakenly think you have met your "soul mate." Indeed, it is the closest experience you will ever have to making love to yourself. Moreover, such women are extremely passionate. Consequently, for that six months, the intense experience is better than any romance movie you've ever seen. "Intoxicating" is a word that many other men use to describe the experience.
Finally, I note that BPD is usually caused by abuse, molestation, or abandonment experienced in childhood (but a third of cases appear to be caused solely by heredity). This causes the victims to hold onto to their childhood defense mechanisms (e.g., splitting and mirroring) so strongly that they have become emotionally stunted -- unable to adopt the more mature emotional defenses that the rest of us move on to. Hence, they suffer as children and then end up suffering 24/7 the rest of their lives, being unable to sustain close personal relationships. It is important, then, that you and I not add to their suffering. After all, we can walk away from it. They cannot.
Charlie, if you would like to read more about BPD, I suggest you start with a short article at http://www.BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm. Classic books on this subject: "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." Plenty of good info about BPD can be found at BPDCentral.com and bpd411.org. If BPD does not seem applicable, you may want to read about NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I hope some of this information will help you reach a better sense of closure. | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/27/2009 6:22:51 PM | DowntownDC,
You mentioned that BPD is caused by abuse, molestation, or abandonment during the childhood years. I remember that my ex told me that her biological parents abandoned her and her sibilings. Her brother lives in Texas in a foster home, while the other two lives in Florida with her aunt. Her mother doesn't remember her, but she remembers her other sibilings. Her father made her look at him while he was pissing. She wasn't sexually abused, it was more like mentally abused.
Her past relationships were horrible, controlling, and abusing. She didn't had a good childhood. Her adopted mother (which is really her cousin) adopted her at age 10, but it was material love. She only wanted her because she was a girl and her cousin has three boys. She left her house at age 18 and moved with her two friends. You can say that she grew up too quickly.
I also remember that she told me that her first boyfriend was so controlling and abusive. She had to go to a psychologist. I mean, she had bad luck with everything.
All I know is that she gets manipulated too easily. She lives through other people's opinions and experiences. I think at this point in her life, she's confused. I think she has given up on herself, her goals, and ambition.
I believe I kept her level-minded. I had and still have ambition in life and stuff like that. I guess what I was doing inspire her to be a better person. Along the way, we just grew apart because of the drama and people influencing her. I can't do nothing much while I'm like 350 miles away from her. If I was psychically there, I might have more impact than just a chat on the phone. | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/27/2009 8:35:44 PM | | you offered, she took..now you want her to do what you want...is that a form of 'buying" her?..look at it like this...you were a good guy for helping...that makes you ok...don't look for rewards for what you did, now move on...you did your good deed for the day... | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/28/2009 7:14:49 AM |
You can say that she grew up too quickly. Yes, she grew up too quickly in the sense that much of her childhood was stolen from her. That is generally true for BPD sufferers, who for that reason often try to recreate their childhood by collecting things like stuffed toys or dolls. Because BPDs have a strong fear of intimacy and abandonment, the toys not only help recreate childhood but also give them something to love that poses no threat of suffocating them with intimacy or abandoning them. Yet, rather than saying she grew up too quickly, it would be more accurate to say that a large part of her (i.e., her emotional development) never grew up at all. Due to the trauma experienced as a young child, she did not have the luxury of experimenting -- as the rest of us could do -- with the more mature methods of defending oneself emotionally. Instead, she held on tight to the defenses we all use as children: magical thinking, splitting (i.e., dissociation), projection, mirroring, and black-white thinking. Hence, she likely has the intellectual skills of an intelligent adult and the emotional development of a four-year-old. All children at that age do lots of splitting, which you see as loving Daddy when he meets the child's needs and hating Daddy when he does not. It therefore is normal behavior for a child to adore you one minute and then be screaming at you a minute later. Your confusion, then, was due to your reasonable expectation that you would not see such childish behavior in an adult. The sad reality, however, is that it occurs in many adults due to childhood trauma and/or heredity. What I am trying to say is that your exGF is not a bad, evil person even though her actions indicate otherwise. Nor is she crazy. Instead, she is a good decent person who is unable to regulate her emotions, causing her to behave almost exactly like you and I behaved when we were four years old.
She told me that her first boyfriend was so controlling and abusive. Perhaps so. But remember that people with strong BPD traits are very controlling because their childhoods were so totally out of control. They also are abusive when having a tantrum. Because they have an unstable self identity -- not knowing who they are much of the time -- they are terrified of finding flaws in themselves (i.e., being controlling and abusive) and therefore will project those flaws onto the person closest to them. Don't be surprised, then, if you hear that your exGF is now telling people she had TWO controlling and abusive BFs.
She had to go to a psychologist. If a BPD sufferer is self aware enough to realize she has that disorder and is willing to work extremely hard for years to improve, she can eventually break free from much if not most of the disorder. The big problem, however, is that the disorder itself makes it extremely unlikely that such self awareness will occur because it is so frightening and painful, given the absence of a stable self image. I haven't seen any statistics but I would be surprised if one BPD sufferer in a hundred is able to achieve that. Of those that do, a substantial number find their way to BPD websites such as psychforums.com/borderline-personality/ where they describe their constant feeling of emptiness and their day-to-day existence in great detail. Don't go to those websites unless you are prepared to have your heart broken again. | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/28/2009 7:38:05 AM | Hey renegadeoutlaw,
In this case: for the user, there was the provider; for the abuser, there was the dependent; unfortunately there is no winners, unless both parties realize they are locked in symbiotic relationship. Both feed each other's emotional state, that's why it's so hard to unchain yourself from the bond.
Charlie 1256,
Sweetie, you need to pick up your shattered self and relearn how to recognize your own needs. If you need help, email me.:)
Good luck Charlie1256 | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/28/2009 2:55:47 PM | Charlie you are very giving person and you ended up with a taker. You liked to give and she liked to take.
When you give of yourself, do not count on reciprocity. There were red flags all around you, yet you overlooked them. There are plenty of people out there who will take advantage of you. Be more careful about who you trust with your heart. | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/29/2009 3:39:04 PM | Charlie,
People who look for - or hunger for - appreciation never get enough.
When you give seeking a return, you give for the wrong reason.
The gift she gave you is far superior to what you gave her - if you're willing to open your eyes and accept it.
You give in order to get - based on your bellly-ache post. We know nothing about her - only about you - yet others respond in her direction. They're lost, just like you
( "Silken" seems to get it... and maybe CarolAnn)
You've deluded your self into the belief that you've sacrificed for her - nothing could be further from the truth.
You're moans and groans are because you didn't get the return you sought - like a spoiled child who 'behaves' and 'does good' in order to get a treat. No treat for Charlie, so you project the cause your hurt feelings on her. You were raised wrong. No doubt.
It's you and always has been you and about you. You chose to give. You chose to 'do'.
Of course, these views will fly over your obtuse, narrow-minded skull as will anything that does not square with your view. Keep the focus away from You and be safe...
There's nothing genuine or sincere about your ways. Think about it.
Love doesn't keep count.
You do, Charlie and there is no Love so long as you do.  | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/29/2009 4:21:33 PM | Of course, these views will fly over your obtuse, narrow-minded skull as will anything that does not square with your view.
You obviously have not read Charlies posting history.
Maybe you should take a look at that before you plant his cross on
Calgary and hang him on it.
Charlie is a very sad guy who believed in love. He believed that his
actions would show her how much he loved her and would make her
a better person. They didnt. They caused her to do some very harmful
things to Charlies self esteem and self worth.
I know there are two sides to the story. I also know that people who experience
emotional abuse at the hands of another usually shy away from telling thier
stories because of people like you who blame the victim and dont believe
that a Woman can abuse a Man - He should be strong enough to walk.
Emotional, physical and mental - its all abuse.
So on behalf of Charlie I would like to thank you for just instilling more abuse
towards him and continueing to make him feel like it was ALL him and he
is the CAUSE of all his problems - that he is a weak young man and should
just walk away and get a hold of himself.
SOME people who are abused by others grow an attachment to thier abusers-
Like Charlie has and that is why when he posts here - alot of us listen and try
to steer him in the right direction.
He does not always take our advice because he is frozen by his abuse. When
he has had enough he ALONE will take the right steps and get the help he
needs to get back on track.
But for now - we are here to help guide him - if he takes the advice then thats
great but he wont until he is ready.
Find a little compassion for people - We do not know what thier lives hold
everyday - only our own. | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/29/2009 4:28:28 PM | Attempting to direct an addict away from their drug-of-choice can be seen as abusive.
Heck, even the truth hurts.
Belief in a love that is Tit-for-Tat is either a false belief or false love.
Take your pick.
PS, He is the cause of all his problems.
He needs to stop trying to' buy' or 'barter' for love.
When he considers this position, he'll be in a position to change him self -
Then he'll cause some other problems for him self. It's called life. | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/29/2009 4:30:14 PM | Charlie I remember what it was like being a young man of 25 and wanting to find love. If you had done the same things with another woman she would have adored you for being such a giver.
You had a rough experience and it will take time to heal. Get involved in a new activity and stay busy. All we can do is is to learn from past experiences, grow as people and move on.
I wish you the best. | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 10/29/2009 7:48:05 PM | Boy, I think I could hear violins playing while reading the OP.
Never forget one thing about people. There are GIVERS and there are TAKERS!
That's just the reality of it. And as far as a relationship goes, this has NOTHING to do with LOVE. A person can love you, but just not be a giver!
Also, it's best NEVER to do anything for anyone (unless it's a contractual thing) with any expectation of getting something back.
This is clearly YOUR lesson to learn! | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:40:23 PM | Hey.. tough kick@$$ time now
Go watch Bedazzled with Brendan Frazier.. if you cant stand the whole movie, fast forward where he wishes he could be the most SENSITIVE MAN SHE HAS EVER MET
Watch the scene on the beach where the surf bums come over..
Then go get some cojones. Sheeesh dude.. I was having to overcome the gag-reflex as I read your tale of woe.
1. be thankful she didnt steal your sperm and leave you permanently hooked to her with a kid
2. Learn a lesson here and uncover your inner A-hole. That is the part that wont allow your feelings to get played by twits
3. You are 25 and need to read my post history on how to grow up and become a MATURE man in the world. Your post is showing that you ARENT.
4. which should be 1. STOP ALL CONTACT WITH HER. She is a psychopath if she takes NO responsibility for the ending.. OR.. YOU are an emotional timebomb that she got sick and tired of cause of your wimpiness. Or maybe BOTH.
Man up dude.. man up. Go hang with your dad and learn about how MEN handle themselves.. and their emotions.
You DO have a dad in your life, dontcha?
(takin bets on this one) | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 11/11/2009 7:05:17 PM | ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
You are 25 and need to read my post history on how to grow up and become a MATURE man in the world.
Ha, ha! Geezzuuss! Profile 1kindman4u (the "real man") speaks!
What a load of ridiculous nonsense you write!
And the sad thing is you actually think your "advice" is the advice of an expert; a real man who's seen it all, who know's how to deal with all situations in a manly/macho way, and most importantly knows how to deal with all women in the proper manly/macho way.
You're the sort of caveman who thinks Charles Atlas really did kick sand in the face of the wimp face down at the beach...
You DO have a dad in your life, dontcha?
(takin bets on this one)
It won't matter if he's never had a dad in his life cause' he's got 30 years on you old man - and I'm willing to take bets on him having more brains in his small toe than you've got in your pants!
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 11/11/2009 7:24:41 PM | Rantings of a Kilt. "ManlyMACHO way"
Wasnt one of the flaming gay group "Village People" who sang that song "Macho Man" wearing a scottish kilt? I forget.
Wait.. I know.. while I never saw it the movie title "Lost in Translation" comes to mind
What's hilarious here is that the poster focused on attacking me.. and didnt offer ONE piece of advice to the OP's situation. FOCUS FOCUS focus.
30 years on me to do what exactly? I really want to know. He sure seems to be starting out his life as a doormat. I offered input to him to stand up and BECOME A MAN.
and all you could do is lament that you never could break away from a conquering nation behind a QUEEN.. and attack me instead.
Oh.. nice mainpic pose.. arms crossed.. which in bodylanguage analysis says you are closed tighter than an episiotomy-sewn-up-sphincter. Have some haggis, You know.. that foodstuff that has been described as:
"one of those national dishes that is both beloved and REVILED by natives, and sometimes horrifies people who hear it described for the first time" | |
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| Feeling unappreciated...
Posted: 11/12/2009 8:19:40 AM | Next time, put yourself out 50% and wait for her to put herself out 50%. Give...and take. What did you want from her? Where did you expect all this giving to lead?
Still keeps in contact with you and you can't figure out why: Isn't it obvious? She needs her meal ticket close, in case she needs more "help".
Oh, sure--I've had people in my life use me and not appreciate me. I got wise, withdrew, and left THEM to figure out why. Now, I give a little...then wait to get. Without "keeping score", more just a karmic feeling, if I get, I give more...and so it goes. You should do the same. | |
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