| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 10:22:54 AM | Im just throwing this out there, iv been chatting to a guy who seems nice, he is as the title says separated, going through a divorce but they are still living in the same house.
In realistic terms he is still married and living with his wife, there would be no way I could go round and have a coffee at his or anything as the situation is awkward. Is this even worth pursuing? Is the guy even getting divorced? there is a picture up so hes not hiding his face but Im just a bit dubious. What would others do? | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 10:27:49 AM | Separated = married
Going through a divorce = married
Living together = a married couple living together
A married man living with his wife is on a free dating site looking to hook-up. if you're so desperate for a man that a married man living with his wife sounds good to you, have at it.
there is a picture up so hes not hiding his face Not that you know if it's really his photo
been chatting to a guy who seems nice, Yeah of course. If he "seems really jerky" you wouldn't chat with him. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 10:29:54 AM | Back in the days when I was single, I wouldn't even consider someone who was only separated. Too often, they find a way to work it out and end up making another go of it. IMO, it's just a set up for heartbreak. Nice or not, until the papers are signed and he's living on his own, I wouldn't give him the time of day. But that's just me.
The reality of it is.. it's a gamble. You just need to decide if that gamble is worth it. Are you gonna come up 7's or will it crap out? And do you feel he is worth this gamble? | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 10:46:37 AM | I'd only believe it if you get confirmation first hand from the wife. If in fact they are actually separated and plan to divorce, there should be no reason they keep their dating a secret from each other (apart from the kids who don't need to deal with it).
He's ok with eventually proving it by the two of you meeting, than I'd believe him, but I still wouldn't want to get involved too much until after it was final legally. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 10:56:24 AM | Well sometimes when two people are getting divorced there is something called a financial responsibility to the home and the kids. I myself am going thru a divorce and I also met up with another guy who is in the same situation as me. I'm sure there are many people out there stuck in that scenario. And yes, I do consider myself to be divorced even though the papers are not finalized. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 11:16:18 AM | We are in the middle of a credit crunch in the uk and if the papers are to be believed there are lots of couples/married or otherwise stuck in this situation, so its a gamble I guess. I dont think I'd sit easy with not being able to go to their house and the soon to be divorced wife not knowing about the soon to be divorced husbands new potential relationship.
Thanks for the advice, I think Ill leave this "seemingly nice guy" alone, yeah if he was a jerk I wouldnt be speaking to him, thanks for stating the obvious.
No I'm not desperate. If I was desperate I would be dating married men without asking questions I guess. Thanks for the useful advice from all. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 11:18:40 AM | If you can't go over there because the situation is awkward, he isn't as separated as he needs to be in order to date.
Mostly, people who claim to be separated while still living together are either just plain married, or, if truthful, nonetheless too busy with the genuinely traumatic business of coping with all this to be able to offer much emotionally.
The rare exceptions will be happy - eager, even - to introduce you to the ex, in order to demonstrate that they really are both moving on. And the ex will be happy to meet you.
My feeling is that none of that really matters anyway, though. Assuming all the best, still, why would you date someone living with his ex when you can just date someone who isn't living with his ex?
Editing for the above post, looks like you reached pretty much the same conclusion anyway. You're almost certainly better off. Who wants to be a rebound anyway? Very rarely, those do work out, but mostly... not so much. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 12:03:02 PM | OP, check out the situation. Verify with the ex. It's that easy. Being separated is part of the divorce process and in most jurisdictions there is a mandatory period of separation before you can get a divorce.
To say that a separated person is still married is ignorant and uninformed. To think that separated people are pariahs and unable to date or seek out relationships is ridiculous. Sure some people have been burnt by unscrupulous married people but don't tar all people with the same brush. There are legal, economic and other reasons why divorces aren't finalized for extended periods of time and this includes separated people living in the same residence. These people are no more "married" than you. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 12:10:31 PM | OP: I don't usually entertain separated men because they are still legally married. Until he has closed that chapter, I'm not entering his life.
Much less still living with the wife. Not happening............. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 12:11:30 PM | Sorry if the man is living in the same house with a female that he has had a long term relationship with that means red flags
Even the ones that have moved out and still have not gotten a divorce bring up red flags in my books.
Hey I know the economy is a bit tough but living together brings up mixed messages. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 12:23:51 PM | The last time I gave a "separated" guy the benefit of the doubt, his wife showed up.
He told me they lived together for economic reasons and because "my daughters are my life" but there was nothing going on betweeen them, he had a differrent bedroom etc.
I was very reluctant but he seemed so sincere. I decided to take things slow , starting with just coffe. She showed up to the coffe place to do a Jerry Springer show.
She said even the night before they were having sex in the bed they still share, she was under the impression they were working things out.
He has nothing to lose, he has a back up at home and if he finds a woman dumb enough to believe him, like I was, why not? have his cake and eat it too? | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 2:41:57 PM | Separation doesn't make someone more likely to go back to their ex, or in this case, ex-to-be than anyone else who has had a previous relationship.
There is no "minimum amount of time" needed to get over an ex.
Anyone who has just gotten out of a relationship has the same odds of going back to the person, regardless of any "legal" status.
I also once dated someone who was still living with the spouse she was separated from.
I was also separated for quite some time, though my ex and I didn't live together.
Also, I wouldn't count on asking the ex-to-be if they're really separated and divorcing. There are several possibilities:
- the guy is lying, and he's not really separated
- the guy is telling the truth, they are separated, but they are trying to work it out
- the guy is telling the truth, they are separated, and the ex-to-be confirms this because they're both trying to make things go smoothly
- the guy is telling the truth, they are separated, the ex-to-be may have a boyfriend, but she will lie to you because she's vindictive and wants to screw up her soon-to-be ex-husband's life as "punishment"
etc etc and so forth.
I mean, after all, hostile divorces never occur?
Heck, there was a time when my ex-wife (she still had the keys to the house because she still legally had part ownership until the property issue settled) would, despite having lived with her boyfriend for over a year, if she happened to be in the area, would show up if she saw an unfamiliar car in my driveway. I don't know what this says about her, but I imagine it's not anything good.
The "separated" status should mean NOTHING more than that legal issues are still being resolved. It doesn't give you ANY further information about how truthful the guy's being, how over or not-over his ex he is, and so forth, than the status of "single" would, or "divorced", or anything. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 5:34:05 PM |
Also, I wouldn't count on asking the ex-to-be if they're really separated and divorcing. There are several possibilities:
- the guy is lying, and he's not really separated
- the guy is telling the truth, they are separated, but they are trying to work it out
- the guy is telling the truth, they are separated, and the ex-to-be confirms this because they're both trying to make things go smoothly
- the guy is telling the truth, they are separated, the ex-to-be may have a boyfriend, but she will lie to you because she's vindictive and wants to screw up her soon-to-be ex-husband's life as "punishment"
etc etc and so forth.
And you see, this is the reason why I don't date anyone until they're divorced. You've got a lot of "what if" scenarios there ... but when they're divorced, you know that they are divorced and the marriage is over!
Could a person be true to their word while being separated that they'll never go back to their spouse? (Oh, and Saberosura noted, when you are separated you're still *legally* married) Sure they could be true to their word. But like you listed, there's plenty of scenarios to show that they aren't over their prior relationship.
Saves a lot of time in the drama department. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 5:37:00 PM | It's just a legal piece of paper - the relationship's over.
But then again, the separation doesn't tell you anything more t han any other status would... all the what-ifs could exist for someone who's "single' . . girlfriend on the side, multiple girlfriends on the side, etc.
Single/divorced really doesn't give you ANY more information . . not to mention that people may even be lying about THAT.
It's just trading one uncertainty for another.... but in the separated case, there seems to be a misplaced sense of self-righteousness that goes along with the "I don't do separated" kind of thing.. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 5:51:48 PM |
It's just a legal piece of paper - the relationship's over.
For you that was the case. For everyone else, you don't know. You don't know if in the back of their mind whether they have reservations about the divorce or not. You were the one that listed all of the things that separated people can be doing to you. How do you know for certain that they believe the relationship is over? When they have the divorce decree in their hot little hands.
It is like selling a car. Purchaser A tells you, "I do not have the money and can't prove that I have it in the bank, but I expect to be paid six months from now ... I'll pay you then." Purchaser B tells you, "I have the money and here is my bank statement. We can go to the bank now and prove it, and you can be paid now." For the same amount of money for your car, which purchaser are you going to sell the car?
But then again, the separation doesn't tell you anything more t han any other status would... all the what-ifs could exist for someone who's "single' . . girlfriend on the side, multiple girlfriends on the side, etc.
Except for that scenario ... they're not married. When you get married, you go into it with the intentions of a life-long commitment. You don't do that when you go into a relationship of girlfriend and boyfriend.
Single/divorced really doesn't give you ANY more information . . not to mention that people may even be lying about THAT.
Yes, people lie every day. They certainly do it when as guests we highlight to them that when they are listing "separated" on their profile that they have little chances of getting a date, they change it to single/divorced. After all, as you note below, the "stigma" is on being separated, right? (I will agree that probably the only other category that is lied about/hidden is married ... I imagine there is a fair share of married people cheating around here ...) The thing is that as single/divorced, you not married. You could be cheating on a girlfriend/boyfriend, but at least you aren't cheating on your wife/husband.
It's just trading one uncertainty for another.... but in the separated case, there seems to be a misplaced sense of self-righteousness that goes along with the "I don't do separated" kind of thing..
Except for the little fact that when you are separated, you are by law still married ... and I personally don't like dating married people. So I will agree with you for the fact that I'm self-righteous enough not to date married people; it saves me a lot of drama ... | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 5:57:28 PM | ^This
It's all about perspective. If the fact that someone still is legally bound by document, but they feel that it's over, to me, that's enough. Dating anyone has inherent risks. If you perceive an additional risk, it's only your perception. (Duh.) | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 6:06:59 PM | | I’m separated and have lived alone for almost 2 years and I don’t think I would touch this one OP! Maybe because of the woman who I meet here who stated she was a widow and her husband was alive and well living in the same house! Cohabitating I know is a fact of life for some, but it would not be something I would be comfortable facing if her husband answered the door when I picked her up for a date. You never know though, sometimes there are extenuating circumstances. Meet her and see if it’s for real, it’s your judgment call that eventually counts. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 6:10:23 PM | | When I was separated I didn't live with my wife. I have ran into your type of situation 3 times so far , all 3 of them said well I still live with him because we can't afford to move out. Me personally I'm not buying! | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 6:13:46 PM |
It's all about perspective. If the fact that someone still is legally bound by document, but they feel that it's over, to me, that's enough. Dating anyone has inherent risks. If you perceive an additional risk, it's only your perception. (Duh.)
Ok, let's say that a woman came up to you and said, "I just left my husband ... the two of us just finished having sex a half an hour ago. However, I've left him and I'm not going back - let's you and me start a relationship!" You going to start a relationship with her? (Hey, she's separated Casanova ...)
And I didn't touch on the fact that the woman could be in a loveless marriage. Does that mean you have no problems having a relationship with a married woman if she is in a loveless marriage?
Hey, it's perspective, and life doesn't pitch underhanded ...
I agree ... dating anyone has inherit risks. That's why it is just smart to keep the risks to a minimum. When she/he has the divorce decree, it is cutting down on the risks. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 6:53:12 PM | I totally understand this situation from a personal perspective. And I once read about a divorced couple staying together with their kids. She got the house during the divorce. Then he lost his job and got kicked out of his apartment. She didn't want her kids father to live in the streets so she said he could come back. They stay in separate rooms. But ofcourse, that puts a damper on any one of them dating. What would they say if it became serious with someone else? 'I hope this won't be a problem, but I'm technically homeless and I'm staying with my X-wife and and our kids. But if you're into me like that, I would love to move out and stay with you.'
The only person who would understand and go for this is a person in a situation like this or similar to this.
But either way, it's a gamble. If I were in your shoes I'd leave it. Tell him to call you when he's divorced or at the very least moved out and completely separated.
I think my inbox would be blowin up more if I were completely divorced and could put that in my profile - but I can't because I don't wanna lie nor mislead anyone. But I totally understand why folks don't want to initiate anything with someone who is still married (or living with the spouse no less!). Could be drama waiting to happen, if you're religious it's adultery, if it gets serious you still have the fact they are married looming over your head, and technically the spouse is still entitled to the house and possessions that you have and they can come back at any time or just walk in. Unless someone is willing to technically 'cheat' with an 'adulterer' then who wants to possibly go through all that? So I can't blame them. I'd feel the same way.
You could still talk to him but I wouldn't suggest it. The more you talk, the more interested you can become - and you could wind up cheating with him. And if he still lives with his wife - well that just sounds like drama waiting to open. Unless ofcourse... they have an open relationship. I knew a lady living with her gay husband. They had been monogamous and had 4 kids, but he decided to live his 'other' life. They didn't divorced and stayed together as far I knew then. But she had her boyfriends and so did he... hopefully not the same boyfriends but who knows. So it could work. You just have to ask. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 6:59:15 PM | | What would I do? Move along and wait for someone who was not only truly single, but after last breakup had spent time BY HIMSELF before jumping immediately into another relationship-that's what I would do to ensure I was dealing with an emotionally mature man, not one who might cheat out of loneliness bc I was outta town a couple days,. I imagine revolving- door- daters are less reliable in the loyalty dept for that reason-they don't want to spend time on their own at all. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 7:02:48 PM | I'd be wary but a friend of mine was in a simillar situation. He was living in the same house because it didn't disrupt his childrens lives. My friend met his kids quite quickly and it was obvious to them that Daddy was in a relationship with her. It would have been unusual for a man to introduce his kids (10 & 12) to a woman if he was still having a relationship with their mother.
They now live together and he has finalised his divorce.
There may be valid reasons but listen to your gut. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 8:15:06 PM | Sun_Devil_92 wrote:
I agree ... dating anyone has inherit risks. That's why it is just smart to keep the risks to a minimum. When she/he has the divorce decree, it is cutting down on the risks.
Ah, but see, what I'm trying to point out is that waiting for a divorce decree does NOT in fact cut down on the risks - it only presents the *illusion* of lesser risk.
What if he didn't want the divorce but has it? Isn't that a greater potential problem than someone who is separated, but whose ex and he BOTH want the divorce? What if a guy is just outright lying about his status? In that case, having them admit to being separated is almost a guarantee of honesty (I can't imagine a single or divorced guy lying to a potential woman he wants to date and saying he's separated, after all)
I could probably come up with at least as many scenarios for supposedly single people as for separated, but I don't think I can top the "she said she was a widow but was living with her most-definitely-not-deceased husband" posted above....
Anyhoo - I think too many people treat the "avoid the separated guy/girl" as a convenience, but it's not something that actually avoids any risk that won't exist with other potential dates. | |
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| separated but still living together... to believe or not
Posted: 10/28/2009 8:43:57 PM | My ex-husband and I lived together two years while we were separated and going through a divorce. We were strictly roommates. Both of us were dating other people, it was in the open (meaning we both knew about each other's dates), and there was absolutely NOTHING physical going on with us. It was financially a better route to go, it was great for our daughter, and we got along very well as "roomies/friends." The only rule we had -- and it was because of our daughter -- was we couldn't bring out dates home to spend the night. After two years, I finally moved out because my ex's girlfriend thought it was about time I did (she was right). Lol. Yes, she and I got along fine -- and still do as they are still together -- it's been five years for them...she believed him and stuck around....I'd probably still be roomies with him if she didn't prod me to move out. 
So, people, please don't judge too quickly. Not everyone who says they're separated, but living together, is a lying shmuck. Some people actually tell the truth -- how's that for a kicker?  | |
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