| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/28/2009 10:57:53 PM | This is another in a series of discussion threads that I hope will generate some interest from our members.
The other day, my best buddy in the world approached me with the following:
"I've known for a while that I need to break up with my girlfriend, but I keep putting it off for one reason--I feel so guilty about hurting her. She wants to stay in the relationship, and will be devastated when I leave. How can I break up with her so that I don't cause her emotional pain?"
Well of course, him being my best buddy in the world, I felt compelled to want to reach out and help. But I had to stop myself for a second before giving him erroneous advice and really think about how I was going to answer. The following is how I answered:
YOU CAN’T. It’s that simple. That’s like asking “how can I go swimming without getting wet?’, or “how can I chop this onion without breaking the skin?” You can’t. And if you’re planning to wait until you feel you aren’t going to hurt your girlfriend, you might as well marry her now, because that day will never come. When you tell her you are leaving, it will hurt her. When you walk out the door, it will hurt her. But remember this: it will hurt her much more if you lead her on for another month, another year, or commit to her out of guilt, only to finally confess at some point, that “I always knew I should have broken up with you.” It will hurt her much more to stay in a relationship with a man who isn’t fully emotionally present, a man who can’t give her the complete commitment she deserves.
I told him, "you’re not staying to avoid hurting her. You’re staying to avoid feeling bad about yourself. You can’t stand the idea of being the “bad guy”, the “heart-breaker”; you can’t tolerate the thought of living with guilt. And so even though it appears that you are protecting her from pain, you are really protecting yourself".
After thinking about what I had told him, I continued - "I know I am speaking to a bona fide rescuer. Your identity and self-esteem are tied in with making sure you are never the cause of pain to someone you love. You see, it is your girlfriend’s pain that both attracted you, and now, is trapping you. In the beginning, you were captivated by it, hoping that you would be able to heal her hurt and “save” her, thus proving to yourself that you are good enough. Now that you realize you cannot love her as she should be loved, it is again her pain that is torturing you by triggering your own pain (which has always been the real issue), for you cannot leave without feeling you are a failure. Release your girlfriend now. Release her so she can find a man who will truly love and accept her as she is. Don’t wait another day. And then turn towards yourself, and search deep in your own heart for that wounded little boy that couldn’t make Mommy happy, or couldn’t save Daddy from despair, and do what you’ve been needing to do all along--rescue him - that little boy that still lives inside you.
Now, I realize some of you may disagree with what I told him, but that's really what this thread is about - discussion about how you would have approached this situation differently.
Thanks in advance for your participation. | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/28/2009 11:35:51 PM | Without personally knowing the couple involved, it is hard to comment on how apt your advice to your friend might have been. It is entirely possible that he is just in a "low" in the relationship and actually, needed some encouragement about how to get it back on track or perhaps, some creative ideas about how to restore what this couple once had. Assuming your buddy is in your age range, I wouldn't have been so quick to assume that the only way for him to go was out... I also wouldn't have immediately rendered that kind of advice without exploring some of his reasons for wanting out and ways that he might have been able to find to stay.
I believe that when 2 people "fall in love", they actually have to fall "out of love" with the person they're infatuated with in order to begin to feel the committed kind of love that lasts through the years. All too often, the beginning of 2 people being together is littered with ideals and each person's own sense of relief at no longer being alone. That isn't love. It's infatuation combined with some of the more hard-wired sexual attractions. True love understands that there will be times when one person doesn't feel "in love" with the other but commits to work its way through those times.
You might just as easily have encouraged your best buddy to hang in for a while to see if his feelings are temporary. After all, guys in their 40's & 50's are generally andropausal and are also known to be drawn away from the situation that will actually, with some investment on their parts, give them the greatest happiness over time.
People who are led by their illusions sometimes need someone who can give them a reality check or two. | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/28/2009 11:42:27 PM | Very well said and thank you. The lady that my buddy was torn over, had very serious issues. It was a VERY toxic relationship that almost cost him his job. He talked to me many times over a period of months about how unhappy he was, but also how "in love" he was with this person. What it boiled down to, was infatuation for her - not love.
He is 10 years younger than me and has a lot of emotional growth time ahead of him.
These are the reasons I responded to him the way I did.
Thank you again for your input. It's appreciated. | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 12:52:53 AM | Greg actually I think you are spot on...
NO you can't break up with out hurting a person, and it is chicken shit to think it is all about not hurting the other person. IT IS about not wanting to be the bad guy, and being the one to inflict the hurt...
Here's a different thought process, but it does relate... My sweet mini doxie is dying, and it is now getting to the time to walk the green mile... We have maybe a week at the most...
My 13 yr old son has been with her since he was 2, and I can tell you there is NO WAY in this world that I can NOT hurt his heart, and when I spoke with him about it tonite he melted into a million pieces of broken hearted pain... I can't fix it, and it is a part of life that just is...
NOW back to your friend, this is kind of the same thing, if he is beating a dead horse, there is NO GOOD TIME to break up... It isn't better to wait until the holidays, so should he wait till after??? I don't think that makes logical sense, simply because there are that many more months of HER believing he is in it with her..
He can't fix hurting her, and has to man up that this is part of life, like it or not... Being kind, honest and understanding helps, but still she will feel pain of loss of dreams, and the security of thinking he loved her... She will wonder what she did wrong, no matter how much he says it is him not her...
She will heal, and one day she will have that chance to be with someone that does love her, and appreciate her for all those good things that she has to offer...
Neither of them are bad people, but he does have to realize that the long he drags things out, he does himself or her NO FAVOR...
I think you did the right thing... | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 2:04:16 AM | | I must confess I didn't read the long post, but to answer your basic question - you can not break up without pain. It is not an act of kindness. If you are very very lucky you get some sort of closure, but it is not without pain. I liken it to cutting a dog's tail off a little bit at a time. Which is better a slow nip here and there or a good clean whack and be done with it? | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 2:38:41 AM | You left out that breaking up is like removing a band-aid. The longer you take doing it the more it will hurt
Sorry bug... ya know I love you my friend but bullsh*t
Hurt's ONLY determining factors are how inlove you are with a person ...how inlove they are with you... and how you do it/how it was done....
Thats why f*cken sh*t like this VVV
leave withot sayn gdbye change ua numba neva luk bk eventualy theyl gt th hint ua neva 2 return agen
*excuse my absolute disgust*....
Hopefully eventually get what they deserve
Ive broken up with people Ive been in relationships for a loooooooooong time and cared for deeply and not blinked...
... and others Ive been with for a matter of weeks and its taken years to get over.
If my soul is connected to them... its devastating....
...if its not... I might grieve the companionship etc... but not them.
You gotta know yourself better than that IMO
Thats why if Im involved with somebody I try to give them whatever they need to come to terms with everything and move on.
I AM responsible for their feelings...and...how I choose to treat a man
I dont care what anyone says
How they choose to treat me... is another thing
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 3:41:57 AM | Short term pain is better than long term being with someone that doesn't want you.
If someone doesnt "want" to be with someone... is one thing...
...but sorry but when exactly do YOU get to determine what will be short term pain to another person when you are NOT them?
You're ONLY control is how much respect you choose to offer another human being... NOT how much they hurt...
You're only choice is whether or not you choose to make it worse.
Thats the ONLY thing within your power and is within your onus.
Because possibly, just possibly, without realizing it, you could have put pressure on him unknowingly conveying the message to him that this was FAR more intensely serious for you than it was for him. In his mind, he's probably thinking "hey, I'm having great sex with a lady I really like - how great is that". And you might be thinking "can we name our children after my great aunt"? That can scare the pants off (or on as the case may be) any man. Men are like Saint Bernards when it comes to things like that. Take my word for it. So if it's happening, that could be one possible reason. Just sayin'.
Well wtf are you even doing getting involved with ANY woman that you're not paying?
WHERE do you think its gonna go except to a committed relationship?
What value are you placing on yourself to a woman except acting like a living vibrator that she can likely find ANYWERE. Men like pu$$y. Offer her nothing... you're replacable... big d*ck and good sex or not. You're on the bylines if you offer her nothing.
So with that said... Ive found the opposite.
That the men Ive been involved with are thinking all those thoughts in their head and then have projected those feelings onto me.
Last guy I was with... offhandedly said he knew nothing about teenage girls. My daughter specifically.
I never mentioned it to him about his relationship with her... he hardly had anything to do with her actually.. met her only a couple of times... and yet he was questioning himself and what he *thought* might have happened... and projected that onto me because HE felt uncomfortable?
Uh... yeah... so his not *knowing* how to deal with a situation effects me and our for all intents and purposes happy relationship... how exactly?
Yeah... sure I wanna put my faith and trust in a man like that. Afraid to deal with reality. Make excuses rather than step up and find a solution.
Many of you men need to stop blaming women for your cowardice and inability to behave like a grown man and facing what a full and happy relationship/marriage entails rather than pointing out their flaws that really are indications of your own self esteem and personalities & how scared you are of your unfounded expectations on women.
Really isnt very attractive.
Real men face their fears and move out of their "comfort" zone for a woman
And its got nothing to do with what you're "getting"... its about what you're "giving" | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 4:02:56 AM | ^^^
Sorry Im gonna zero in on you here... not trying to embarass you... just pointing out some things.
Ive done it myself in my 2nd LTR.... so am not pointing my finger at you... Im pointing at both of us.
Id love to know how old you and the guy were when this happened because if you werent in your 20s... hmm
he didn't realize I was not in love with him. Usually we just know, or just feel it when someone loves us, but not this man. He was unwilling to realize I wasn't in love with him
What? he didnt pick up on your crappy treatment of him?
Blaming the guy for your sh*tty behavior when you wanted out? Dropping hints?
Honestly... think about it.... WHAT did you do to HIM?
If he loves you ... wants to let you find who you are... what you need... let you grow... what he can offer....
....Thats HIS fault HOW exactly?
One day on the phone I broke up with him, just out of the blue, I wasn't prepared for what I was going to say he certainly wasn't expecting to hear it. It was horrible! It took me a long year to get over it.
Soooooooooooo.... it took you THAT long to face what you knew you shoulda done long beforehand? stop sleeping with him in the meantime did you? I doubt it.
telephoned several times trying to give him closure, but he wouldn't take my calls.
Yes how unreasonable of him.
You handled the breakup badly to mend your guilt. Sorry bottom line... thats what you did.
We have no control over anyone's emotions or how they deal with loss or rejections
YES you do.
Part of growing up means... you realize you do | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 4:26:26 AM |
Your vicious rantings & assumptions are so far off, that I am not even going to address your ludicrous statements. What a horribly bitter person you have turned out to be. I hope I never get to that dark place you are in.
Vicious rantings? umm.... ok....
Uhh...yeah...VVV
Sorry Im gonna zero in on you here... not trying to embarass you... just pointing out some things.
Ive done it myself in my 2nd LTR.... so am not pointing my finger at you... Im pointing at both of us
Means I wont do the same thing again...
Guess you will
Honestly your irrational accusations...failure to be responsible for the pain you caused another human being (intentional or not)... just proved what you are still doing and your beliefs at 50 odd years of age.... compared to me. | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 5:52:38 AM | "We have no control over anyone's emotions or how they deal with loss or rejections"
"YES you do."
"Part of growing up means... you realize you do"
WTF?
We are responsible for the way other people's emotions and how they deal..? Since when? Is this some new pop-psycology? Pure bull$hit..
Growing up means we are responsible for how we act, feel, respond to the outside world..kindergarten 101. | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 6:31:09 AM | If everyone would make a rule that they don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them, the world would be a better, less painful place.
Unfortunately a lot of people would rather ignore the obvious and stay in something that doesn't benefit them to avoid being single, so breakups tend to be a source of stress and dread.
Me? I don't care if it hurts me for a brief period of time - if someone doesn't want to date me, I'd rather they tell me as soon as they come to that conclusion (or even while they aren't sure about it) because someone who's not into me isn't an option. I'll get over it pretty quickly. | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 7:22:58 AM | What an ego filled statement when I hear people say something like "She/He will just be devastated when I giver him/her the news that I'm dumping him/her." Some people just assume that being attentive to and loving someone well does not mean you will die without them.
LOL! I have often seen this attitude backfire on them. They agonized for so long over how they could be noble about breaking up and in the meantime, the other party really is far more resilient about it than they end up being when they see that they don't have an admirer so eager to love them in the sidelines.
To the OP's friend, I would ask what makes him think she can't live without him or furthermore that she actually won't recognize herself as better off without him?
There really are a lot of men out there who believe they are the rescuers. In the meantime, it is often them who needed the security of a pseudo-relationship they could feed off of to rescue THEM!
Caretaking has the word 'TAKING' in it for a reason.
I think she'll be just fine. I've seen most women have major growth spurts after they are dumped by some guy who thought she'd be lost without him. It always makes me smile to see that.
Edit: OP, you might want to run by your friend that having relationships with people he feels sorry for is pretty stupid if he wants to avoid painful breakups. | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 8:44:42 AM |
We are responsible for the way other people's emotions and how they deal..? Since when? Is this some new pop-psycology? Pure bull$hit..
Thanks I was going to ask that... If we are total asshats, it isn't surprising that a person is going to feel really hurt. However we can be kind and considerate, and still the other person freaks out, and goes on a rampage because they feel like some how despite us not being into them, that we should be. I personally don't own that persons feelings for that, nor do I feel I am going to stick it out just because I my not being into them is going to hurt their feelings...
The whole dating thing is about getting to know who we feel compatible with and who we don't...
Sometimes we fall flat on our faces, and the other person gets hurt more than they would have, had we been better able to handle things... Last time I checked this stuff comes in growing and learning, not from some hand book of life, that the freaking OB threw out at our birth...
People don't always behave like they should, OR like we'd like them to... Hell I was hospitalized with a very serious illness and the guy I had been seeing for three yrs hooked up with someone else and started shagging them while I was unconscious in the hospital...
Then to add insult to injury, he still wanted me to follow through with things I was going to do for him while he had to work... As if that was going to happen...
Was it the end of the world for me? Hell no, it just demonstrated what a total insensitive asshat he was, and that he really didn't have a lot of care in how he treated others...
Karma is a biotch, because she ran him ragged, and LOVED the chaos and battles they got into... Then she up and left him for someone she thought had more money and potential then he had...
I moved on in my life, and had more a few more asshats that played the disappearing act... In the end, I found my mate, and through all the drama learned to be a better person myself... | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 8:53:19 AM |
I told him, "you’re not staying to avoid hurting her. You’re staying to avoid feeling bad about yourself.
I think the above situation does happen, but I would further speculate that in many, many break-up scenarios, the one ending the relationship hesitates to do so NOT because they feel “bad about” about their self, but rather they just want to avoid a highly unpleasant situation. IMO, selfish discomfort at the prospect of ending things makes many folks drag out the inevitable, which only causes more heartache and grief for the person being dumped. This is why a lot of people just go *POOF* or pull a “Hoffa”. They’ve got “no balls at all”; and those who continue the relationship as if “nothing were wrong” when they KNOW they want OUT are selfish, inconsiderate asshats. Another person’s LIFE is in the balance, and all they can think of is their own temporary discomfort and uneasiness over the act of breaking up. | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 10:08:26 AM |
that's really what this thread is about - discussion about how you would have approached this situation differently.
Unless the guy posted it to the forum I would have ended after "...you are really protecting yourself."
The rest seems to be pure speculation and opinion of their relationship painting the woman as a victim. Which I doubt she is. But she may very well have manipulated the savior guy into believing she is to get what she wants. That's how she attracted him, and that's why he stayed for as long as he did. Because that's how he gets what he wants.
Short term transaction based relationship. She'll be victim, he'll be savior, it's doomed to fail because it's based on facade characterization in order to avoid any real risk, responsibility, or commitment. Just fulfill what the adopted character is supposed to do, get what you really want, then sabotage/lead it to the obvious conclusion for which it has always been meant.
If he bails, she can continue being the victim seeking reassurance validation, and he can continue on being the savior trying to make up for past mistakes by continuing them.
Neither one has to change, work, or really get hurt deep down. The character just has to go through the motions of feeling hurt in order to maintain and justify the facade.
IOW he may be at the point of breaking up with her simply because he's reacting to what she wants.
No matter what he is simply trying to protect himself (IMO everybody, yes, everybody, focuses primarily on protect their own self image and avoid or mitigate feeling bad, or negative emotional reactions leading to judgment of self or by others).
So I would have stuck to only that, rather than paint him as the bad guy in the relationship and her the victim.
Because IME that only validates the chosen character they play. As more than likely he will take what you say as justification to continue attempting to "atone" by "saving" people.
Personally, I doubt it has as much to do with making mommy or daddy happy. I think that is more of an issue when people feel the need to compete with others for attention.
Like when a date tells a story, and the other person always "one ups" it. Or when there is lots of jealousy. Or when someone turns into more of a dancing monkey and tries to always entertain the other person.
I think the "savior" personality has more to do with simply avoiding real relationships in a way that avoids the negative judgments and feelings like commitmentphobe or player. | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 10:32:42 AM | OP -- Without my usual long-ass diatribe and rhetoric...what you told your friend was accurate. A breakup will always cause some pain, no matter how gentle or delicate you are. No matter how many times you say the "right" things like "It wasn't you, it was me" or some such filth...one or both will feel hurt in some way. That's why they call it a breakup...something BROKE.
When was the last time you SMILED or showed a positive emotion when something valued broke?
Think man...think.
Just sayin'............ | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 10:46:13 AM | | breaking up can be done in a way that allows that person to completely change their opinion of you...and, in the process, you get the opportunity to call on your inner demons...in other words, act so badly they fall out of love with you ...and, in the end, leave you....they can be treated so awful...they never think about you again without shuddering...this is a way to not only leave someone but have fun of making someone hate you for life....a new and exciting adventure...not for the faint of heart... | |
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| HOW CAN YOU BREAK UP WITH SOMEONE WITHOUT CAUSING THAT PERSON PAIN?
Posted: 10/29/2009 11:13:11 AM | breaking up can be done in a way that allows that person to completely change their opinion of you...and, in the process, you get the opportunity to call on your inner demons...in other words, act so badly they fall out of love with you ...and, in the end, leave you....they can be treated so awful...they never think about you again without shuddering...this is a way to not only leave someone but have fun of making someone hate you for life....a new and exciting adventure...not for the faint of heart...
What a lovely coward! Include the above in your profile above the profile paragraph that's already there and they'll hate you at the starting gate. Goes to show you that so many profiles can be so full of crap.
vvvvv Shocked? Hardly...it was pretty much expected. | |
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