| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 4:05:59 PM | I have been married for 28 years. My wife has not been interested in being passionate with me for well over twenty years. That is what leads me here. I am confused, tempted, depressed and just plain lost. She and I are best friends, never argue and I seriously still get that twinkle in my eye when this beautiful, young 50 year old walks past.
The only problem we really have is romance. She just can show none, wants none and has even said, “It feels like a chore.” We talk about my need for kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc. – but it’s really me bringing up the subject and she being silent until the subject can get changed. What could have led to this?
I’m pretty sure it is me. Twenty five years ago, I was involved in an auto accident and became paraplegic. I was alone in the vehicle and now I’m pretty much paralyzed from the belly button down. We had two young children at the time who have grown into wonderful, helpful, healthy adults. The four of us love each other like the happiest, loving family on any TV show.
The problem is with the two of us. We no longer share a bed because my disability requires me to be in a special bed. The only kisses I share with her are when I ask for them. They are always a peck on the lips or a kiss goodnight and never moments of passion. Our relationship has become Mom and Dad, nurse and patient, closest friends. Husband and wife are just in appearance only to the outside world.
I have suggested counseling, but she does not want to talk to me, much less someone else about this. I look online and all I see are “My husband isn’t passionate” articles and blogs for women. I don’t know what to do. I love my life, I love my wife, and I want to keep my household happy. Do I have another relationship? Do I put up and shut up? Do I end this marriage? Do I ignore the problem and watch football?
The other night, I asked my wife, “What do I do about my need for passion, love and romance? I know you want none of these. What do I do?” She was silent. So, I ask all of you – what should I do? | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 4:24:02 PM | | After 20 years and all you still get is silence on the topic? That's hardly fair of her when you want and need to discuss it. Go to some counselling yourself and get some advice at least on how to deal with her if she won't go. Life has dealt you both a harsh blow. It appears you've accepted your lot in life and are dealing well with it in the passion department but she, obviously, cannot deal with it. Her relationship with you didn't continue on the way she had envisioned it and I'm sure she feels guilt for the way she is feeling, so stays with you out of a different form of love than what is typical under "normal" circumstances. After 20 years, I wouldn't say that forcing her to talk about this issue is asking too much. It needs to be addressed in order that you have the fullest life you are capable of, both of you. You only live once and you know how close you came to not living it. It's unfair to expect you to settle for less when you require more to feel life is all it should be. No kissing, cuddling, etc. would and shoud be expected, even if sex is missing - even babies require the cuddling, otherwise there's a failure to thrive...sounds like you're feeling a bit of that failure to thrive yourself. Don't continue to ignore the subject and do get professional advice for yourself. There must be support groups in your area for people in your position who could point you in the right direction. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 4:37:10 PM | | I wouldn't be able to tolerate that. If there is nothing either you or the both of you can do to instigate some romance/affection then me personally I would be forced to seek someone else (yes a divorce). Also this may sound stupid but have you tried alcohol? The both of you could have a good amount and possibly lubricate the gears of affection...... At that point I would be up for anything that works. That's about all I got. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 4:53:24 PM | Well, you are already on here looking for a "special" friend, so why are you asking?
You state that you are in a wheelchair. Were you in a wheelchair when you got married? | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 5:00:30 PM | He made it clear when the accident happened.
Gee, I've got nothing. This is a problem the two of you have, but only one of you is willing to talk about it. Having a profile here is pretty pointless though - being 50, married and in a wheelchair would mean no replies.
Your wife needs to be willing to talk at the very least before you can do anything. Try to get some advice from a counselor on your own, and s/he might have some ideas. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 5:11:00 PM | | Wondering how long it has been since the two of you have had sexual activity? Maybe she feels that, it is not a good idea to 'start' any physical contact, thinking it might lead to frustration on your part or hers. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 5:15:42 PM | If she won't go for counseling, you go. You get help. Your counselor should be able to help you begin to talk to her about this.
It's not the greatest answer in the world. But you have to start someplace. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 5:16:03 PM | OP
Oh man, OP, I really am sorry that you're in such a dilemma. I have a friend who is in a wheelchair (armed forces related injury) and he is quite successful at attracting women.
The only thing that I can think of would be marriage counseling of some type. You do mention that you have tried this to no avail. I would say, perhaps, that if you keep trying, she may agree to it at some point.
The one thing that you have that is extremely positive is the family unit, and you would not want to negatively affect that. It sort of reminds me of the old song, "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town." To go so long without intimacy, will, sooner or later, I would suspect, lead to some negative feelings. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 5:23:47 PM | OP, you both should be attending counselling. Since she won't go, you need to go yourself. You should not be on a dating site looking to cheat, which would destroy your marriage and family? Is it really worth it?
Take it from the daughter of a cheater who chose to cheat and ruin his family. And I disowned my father because of it when I was 8 years old.
Cheating is a chose, NOT a solution. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 5:59:17 PM | What would you counsel if your wife where to say she wants a jogging buddy?
You write that the two of you are best friends... Really?! Friends without honest communication? I'm great friends with a tree. We never fight or argue! Hardly.
Maybe you should relegate your longings to the fantasy world... read romance novels.
You just may end up being alone and without what you have now or what you seek.
Remember the story of the dog with a bone looking at an illusion/reflection only to let go of what he had.
Be thankful for what you had and have. Many cripples are abandoned!
Some have never had what you had and are more grateful for their lot in life.
Why the need all of a sudden? You went 20 years without, so why the urgency? Why'd/How'd you make do for 20 years? Something smells fishy...  | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 6:44:00 PM | My condolences to you. Those who criticize what you are doing here should remember that it's easy to criticize shoes you haven't walked in. Your post suggests that you hold your wife in high regard and still find her attractive. It isn't clear if your wife feels the same. Obviously, something dear to you is missing from your relationship and you are trying to figure out how to fill that need - while at the same time honoring the woman you love, but who is unwilling to meet that particular need.
The general impression I get from these forums is that few seem to recognize that there is so much more to a loving, lasting relationship than sex. What if everything but sex about a person is 'to die for'? For most other shortcomings, it's fine to go off and find friends or pay for the unfunfilled need. Why should your wife be 'rejected' for just one shortcoming?
I suggest what several others have suggested and urge you to get help for yourself, wether you wife participates or not. You obviously need to talk to someone or you wouldn't have brought it up in the forums. A therapist is one choice - at least someone to talk to who can help you talk yourself through the problem and understand it better. Another really good option would be to find a spinal cord injury support group. I Googled Dallas spinal cord support and came up with a few leads in your area. There seem to be at least 3 groups and the Cowboys run an organization called Gridiron Heroes for people with spinal cord injuries (SCI). There also may be some help at http://www.christopherreeve.org. You could also Google spinal cord injury support groups for national groups that you may contact or even have chapters near you.
A significant focus of many such groups is just helping with the unique problems that people with SCI encounter. I've encountered many people with SCI and can vouch for their sincerity in their efforts to help each other.
Your wife may also need help. She's stuck with you for all of these years despite having her life turned upside down after only a few years of marriage - and through no fault of hers, or yours. Maybe she holds a deep resentment for the misfortune that life has presented to you both and she needs help to see a positive side that she could embrace and build a happier relationship for you both. Maybe looking elsewhere to fulfil your unmet needs could do even more damage that you may not wish to inflict. On the other hand, it isn't beyond the realm of possibility that she just doesn't want to cope any more and would prefer to part ways. Not talking doesn't resolve anything in either direction.
Good luck! | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 6:56:34 PM | Can`t really blame her do you? She`s been your nurse and helper for years. She`s probably looking or has been with other men. It`s not her fault is it? You`re not able to satisfy her and she`s starting to realize time is flying by....
Let her go my friend.... | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 7:25:27 PM | I'd say you've got a lot more to lose than she has, OP. I'd be thinking carefully before threatening to leave.
From a female point of view, a man complaining how he's not getting enough sex or romance or kisses or whatever would really turn me off. Perhaps instead of talking about it, you could try wooing her. What do you do for her? | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 7:41:47 PM | Just my feelings in response to the scant information it is possible for you to convey in your post:
It's taken you 25 years to ask her the question; perhaps you can wait a little longer for an answer from her? It's a difficult question. As quietjohn says, she has stuck with you for 25 years, after only 3 years of marriage prior to your severe injury: in my opinion that takes significant passion.
As best friends, you need to discuss this more. As best friends, I think the two of you should be able to address this. You've been paralysed from the waist down for the last 25 years, you say -- and you think that caused her zero issues? Seems unlikely. Maybe she missed the 'passion' horribly too and found that because kissing was as much as you wanted, it was simply frustrating for her, to the point where she tuned out so as not to become aroused. I think you need to try to talk with her about this not from an "I want" perspective that asks more of her when she may feel that she's given you her whole life already and has nothing more to give and finds it depressing that you seem not to appreciate her sacrifices in this matter.
You can't discuss it with her properly taking the approach you have done -- 25 years of silence other than the odd "I want" followed by the announcement one day that you feel a real need to address this along with the announcement: "I know you don't want..." and then going public on her about it. You need to try harder not to be controlling here, to be open to hearing her side of things, rather than making assumptions that since you were paralysed she has become paralysed too. Maybe her sex drive was normally active until it died of neglect and the need to cope with a difficult situation. You need to bear in mind that the two of you are on the same side.
She loves you, deeply: her presence in your life demonstrates that. She can't manufacture passion and I'll tell you frankly that little is a bigger killer of passion than a man whinging that he's being neglected in that respect. She is supposed to create desire for you as a man in response to your need to be desired? It doesn't work like that!! You've known her a long time: have you troubled to observe what creates sparks in her? If you, like too many men, have never considered taking the trouble to get to know your partner in this way, consider it now. Music, memory lane, specific films --- more than that, the feeling that you are a man, not an infant to care for -- and being paralysed has sod all to do with being a man or not: it's an emotional dynamic and you need to think about being that man, the man she fell in love with all those years ago. Think of how you behaved towards her back then -- caring of her feelings, protective, complimentary, admiring. You still are that man, but due to your injuries your dynamic with her has changed so that that side of you is hidden by your needs. Male/female dynamics often suffer if the woman's role becomes that of mother figure to the man, responsible for all the details of their lives, all the decisions... Circumstances have propelled you both into that dynamic, but there is no reason why physical disability need result in you stopping being all that you were to her at an emotional and security level.
She's your best friend and you love each other: remember that you are on the same side and don't put everything on her or on you: blame is pointless: sort out the dynamic: let her rediscover the happy girl you fell in love with, who loved you for who you were, before all these responsibilities and duties and difficulties weighed her down.
I don't know if any of this makes sense, I've just typed out my thoughts as they came to me. I do know that in my experience desire and passion is a response and that's not a response to a whingy request or complaint "I want...". After 28 years you SHOULD know what triggers her feelings of passion or desire and if you do not, that would seem like a logical place to start. Emotions cannot be manufactured on request, but they can be stimulated or nurtured into being. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 7:45:53 PM | I have to say when I read your'e post I thought, What is a life without passion? perhaps for some tolerable, it wouldnt be for me, as a mum of a son with an aquired disability myself, I can only try and put myself in your shoes or at least get a sense of your dilema! so here goes, Its easy to suggest counselling, If indeed your wife will go, which I doubt.
Maybe counselling would be beneficial to you to help you decide and come to terms with what you want exactly, it is a tool for guiding you or helping you see the wood for the tree's perhaps, I think you need to look deep inside your heart and feel for that gut reaction which we all tend to ignore on occasion in life, our first instinct is usually the right one. this is not intended as advice however but looking for possible solutions here.
If you two are not talking about your problems and you are met with silence, then its never going to reach any solutions.
You deserve love and affection and passion everyone does, it makes life worth living, I can say honestly that a lot of men would seek a lady friend as compensation for what they are missing, again a bad choice and certainly not a permanent solution as these trysts so often end in tears for at least one of the parties involved.
I know this as I was once involved in a rather ridiculous situation myself.
I hope that you manage to reach a solution in time and find the love and happy karma which you deserve, good luck! | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 7:46:39 PM | I would suggest therapy for yourself. You have to decide whether you can live for the rest of your life without passion.....although I personally believe passion comes from inside yourself and no one else can stir it for you. She's been your nurse for 20 years and has probably shut down sexually.
You love your wife so why would you consider an outside relationship? And pardon my ignorance but if you are paralyzed (?) requiring nursing and need to sleep alone how exactly do you expect conduct an affair? | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 7:51:15 PM | If your need for passion, love (which you have, it looks like to me) and romance outweigh the friendship with a wife who has stuck by you for 25 years, leave and find a woman who provides for all of your needs.
Best wishes. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 7:54:05 PM | the OP is not complaining about getting enough sex/romance, it seems like he is getting ZERO? ' Wooing' won't work if its beyond just a lack of romance; to woo, the person must desire your affection on some level, and if they are beyond that...
Truthfully, we as fellow POFers can only offer insights into what you have posted.
The two of you both need to go into a counseling situation with someone who can let you both VENT.
I can only imagine the feelings your wife has been harbouring for the last 25 years since your accident. She is human as well, and she probably has a lot of doubt and loss to deal with in terms of what she might perceive as giving up (in terms of life goals, etc.)
Does she have any outlet for any frustration and pent up anger? Is she to be considered petty if she has these real emotions? I don't believe so.
Of course you are feeling hurt and lonely, needing physical reciprocation! but with the years passing by, there is so much sub-text that for any of us to understand/encapsulate your 25+ years is unfair to really hypothesize about...but hell, i guess we all are trying to.
The intimacy is definitely in a dormant state; it might even be completely 'dead.' Hopefully it is salvageable! I took care of a gf for only a year in a completely different way, and by being a primary caretaker instead of a lover it made it more a job and less a romance.
I could only imagine 25 years in either of your shoes.
I don't know if there is an answer to your situation beyond your lives' mending into something amiable... albeit with the possibility of a broken relationship or one that forms into a different one altogether.
It definitely goes deeper than just the paragraphs you wrote here... | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/29/2009 8:59:14 PM | I will be honest with you. You say she feels like it is a chore?
A few questions....
1. Are you depressed about yourself? Who you are now?
2. Do you still do activities that she is interested in or ya'll did as a family?
Many things could be a factor. Many marriages go bad after the children leave. It could be she feel her life is over if you do not do activites then she will see you as injured.
My suggestion is this....
First and foremost slack off on the affection towards her. Man or women love affection but if it's to great it can become a chore or repetition. Be more spontaneous. Instead of doing it everyday try to make it to where she has no idea when it is coming. It's the challenge for a woman to get affection from her man. It's a friendly game of cat and mouse we all do.
IF you are feeling sorry for yourself even if you put a smile on your face she will pick up on it. You need to know your life has changed not ended. Be more physical if you can or be more active with enthusiasm.
Last but should be first. You are an Alpha male. You never quit and you will always get what you want so find a way. Never be unwilling to step outside of the boundaries to win the war. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 6:59:13 AM | | The no lovin' thing is just wrong, man. That's cruel. It's not gonna kill her to whip it on you now and then. So your d1ck is temperamental. I don't think you're above getting her off with devices. She sounds like a sh1thead to me. I have a friend who is male and whose old lady doesn't put out. To the best of my knowledge, he's been faithful, but hasn't gotten so much as a blowj0b for 10 years+. Get this, though: she gets her funky off and leaves him in the lurch again and again. That's just wrong. Unless you're leaving out some pertinent facts about your early time together (i.e. were you cattin' around town?), I feel very badly about your prison sentence. I hope things get better soon. Love, Titus | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 7:18:10 AM | This is a sad situation and I cannit imagine what both of you went through..
There is no doubt it was a terrible thing to happen to you but she also went through something terrible but in a different way. I wonder if what she is feeling is guilt, she didnt leave you because that would have been a terrible thing to do on so many levels, but I cant help but think that your relationship slipped from man and wife during the initail stage after the accident happened to an almost mother/child relationship. I am not implying you are a child but I do imagine that she became your primary caregiver and due to the injury she most likely stopped thinking of you in a sexual way out of necessity and concentrated on supporting your recovery in a caregiver way and the relationship never moved out of that dynamic.
Perhaps she feels so guilty that she cant feel a passion towards you anymore due to the long term caregiver dynamic and she is secretly hoping you will move on, then she doesnt have to be the bad guy in this. This woman has devoted 25 years of her life to you and your care, but during that time everything she had hoped and dreamed ran off the rails as well. I dont think there is a simple answer to this situation other than your being on a dating site is certainly not an answer. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 7:38:14 AM | I want to thank all of you for your input. Believe me, over the last twenty years I have been no Ward Clever.  I've looked elsewhere for the missing passion, found it occasionally and recently created a profile here to seek some more temporary satisfaction.
This, of course, does not solve any of the problems and has led to a few others. I do realize that my wife is my preferred choice, but sometimes when the peanut butter and jelly isn't available, the hunger remains and a ham sandwich is chosen.
A friend who is a child psychologist has referred me to a counselor. I think all of your advice should be listened to and an appointment will be made. Wow! This place is more than a cyberspace singles bar.
Thanks again and feel free to continue with your thoughts. I love the attention. | |
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| My wife wants no passion. Help!!
Posted: 10/30/2009 8:11:58 AM |
Believe me, over the last twenty years I have been no Ward Clever. I've looked elsewhere for the missing passion, found it occasionally and recently created a profile here to seek some more temporary satisfaction.
This, of course, does not solve any of the problems and has led to a few others. I do realize that my wife is my preferred choice, but sometimes when the peanut butter and jelly isn't available, the hunger remains and a ham sandwich is chosen.
Well OP, this little tidbit would have certainly been pertinent in your first post or do you consider your history a non factor in why your wife may feel the way she does? Your little tale of woe certainly lost some of its good guy, done bad appeal. How many times have you gone for the ham sandwich to use your euphamism? | |
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