| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:03:48 AM | I got a situation a lot of people are going through. I married my wife young. She was 20, I was 26. We have been together since she was 18. I wasnt home as much as I should be. I wasnt out drinking, or partying. I was hanging with my friends and helping my buddy's shop become a success. Needless to say I knew she was upset, but apparently I didn't know how bad she was.
The last three weeks have seen us talk divorce and separation over and over. I wasnt there for her and she kept trying and trying to be strong. She is going through full time nursing school and has so little time for anything. She has gotten to the point where she is absolutely shut down emotionally. She is also spending more and more time at the Fire Department she is a member of. She says she doesnt know if she wants to be married, she says when shes with me she loves me and wants to be with me, but when shes away she has confusion and doubt, and her head is clear that she wants to be a 22 year old girl. She also went to another man for emotional support over this time. He has been there for her, and she does not want to stop talking to him. She thinks he is only there for her support and not after anything else. Well yesterday we made a final decision that we will give her some time to deal with her depression using medicine, and that she will try to figure out what she wants in life. We will stay married and be seperated, and date other people. No sex is allowed for either of us during this time with other people.
Am I being naive in thinking that there may be hope? She is my best friend, and I have realized my mistakes and have benn and will continue to correct them. She doesnt seem willing to give up any of the issues I have with her now though. She constantly is down at the firehouse, stays the night there, and talks to her emotional friend more then she does me. She says she wants it to work, but doesnt think it will, and also doesnt want to give up being a kid. Should I just move on and let my heart break now and begin the healing process? | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:14:01 AM | | Date others but no sex, that's a rather silly rule to have if one is thinking about working on their marriage. Are you her financial support? Is there a reason she wants to string you along while she dates and lives elsewhere around someone who is her emotional support? I think she's too young to be married, and I think this is the end of your marriage but you are going to be pulled around emotionally until she gets more from someone else so she doesn't need whatever your are providing. I don't know her side, but dating others is rarely a way to fix what's wrong in your marriage. | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:21:52 AM | I help my uncle's farm a lot. For free. I've discovered over years of dating people that a woman wants you to make yourself a success. She wants you to fix your house or your business, not help someone else fix theirs. It makes a huge difference.
The guy that has been there for her is a chump. Keep that in mind. He will be her chump and if he is talking her into being single so he can date her, then that guy will be sorry. She will like someone else, then gush to him, he will get tired of it and fling her away, then she will be sad and come to you. | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:29:30 AM | | Run fast and hard. She's going to cheat, you can wait it out, but she's trying to assuage her guilt by being separated from you when she does it. The symptoms are all there, it's how my ex tried to say it was ok that she got pregnant by another man, "we were seperated" became her defense. I knew what she was doing because she admitted to cheating on me before we separated. | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:29:50 AM |
We will stay married and be seperated, and date other people.
Bringing other people into your marriage is only going to hasten its demise. If you both truly want to reconcile you should not be dating other people. Seriously, how could you even think that this is even a good idea?
She says she wants it to work, but doesnt think it will, and also doesnt want to give up being a kid.
My take on this is she is being nice by saying "she wants it to work" when in reality she just wants to be a kid with no responsibilities that can hang out at the fire station over night.
Come on dude, clue in. She is spending the night at a fire station for emotional support from her male friend. Since when does emotional support require an over night stay? | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:30:58 AM |
.... you are going to be pulled around emotionally until she gets more from someone else so she doesn't need whatever your are providing. Yeah, bummer OP, but I kinda think this is most likely what is going to happen.
It's that "keep you in the picture until something else is firmly in place" thing.
Sorry. I don't see her really wanting to work on the marriage. | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:33:51 AM | | You're being naive. Take a look at your last paragraph and what do you see. | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:35:46 AM | Is there hope? Yes, there is hope. However, hope does not necessarily just happen on its own. In your case it may require becoming proactive with your own stuff rather than focusing on where she's at and her choices. It's a process that does not necessarily guarantee an outcome that you may desire.
If you decide you are committed to doing whatever you can to rebuild your marriage, start by focusing on your part of it. The first step I would recommend is asking yourself, "How can I be (become) the kind of husband my wife deserves?" Your reflection about not being there for her physically and emotionally in the past is a great starting point. But it is just that - a starting point. Keep reflecting on that question, and when new answers arise, act on them. Practice doing those things, even if you do not receive the kind of positive feedback from her that you might want. It may take a long time for her to begin to trust that the changes she may be seeing are permanent. As an aside, if you decide to make that commitment, I would immediately remove this profile from a dating site and not act on seeing other people.
If you decide to let the end run its course, then I would begin the grieving process by letting go of hope and find a way to split as amicably as possible. Something you may want to consider offering her in this process is sharing with her your responsibility in the deterioration of your marriage, and if so moved, asking for her forgiveness.
I wish you peace and calm and clear direction as you wrestle with all of this. Good luck. | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:44:09 AM | OP, placing yourself on a dating site is not fair to you, your wife, your marriage OR the possible women you may meet from POF. Look past your own nose and realize you have no right to visit this nonsense on innocent people - namely, those you "date" while you're "married - but separated."
This is a trainwreck just waiting to happen.
You need to sit her down and find out exactly where her head and heart REALLY are. Is she open to going to marriage counseling to see whether you still both have enough in you both to reconcile this marriage? She needs to get honest about her male "friend" in order to do that, however. But it kind of sounds like she's already checked out of the marriage emotionally, being honest.
Let's face it - she's only 22. She's still a young girl who obviously has no clue what marriage is really about. The way to bring this marriage to it's logical conclusion - whether that's divorce or reconciliation - isn't going to be accomplished by placing an ad on POF and telling women you like to "cuddle."
Man up and clean off your front porch, OP. Leave others out of this mess.
Good luck to you. | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:58:32 AM | She wants it to work, but she doesn't think it will? She's lost faith in you because she tried so hard and so long by herself and you were content to pretend you were single and let her do the heavy lifting in the relationship.
She's tired of giving because she has nothing left to give you. You pushed her to the point she had to seek EMOTIONAL solace elsewhere. I would be willing to bet that her main concern right now is, yes, you are changing a few things now that you know she is serious and has someone else to lean on, but if she goes back will you revert to the same old, same old?
I know that sounds harsh, but that is reality. You should begin the grieving process now and continue to work on your own issues regardless of what her decision is. | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:08:53 AM | Mike, you haven’t realized anything yet, you most likely have the deer in the head light syndrome from having your world turned upside down, true change happens over time, not a quick glimpse of my comfort level ending.
This is not a clean ending, you’re both tangled in each others sh1t and now you’re playing nice and dancing around it. Yes, you are being naive, but so what, it will hit you eventually, she is emotionally detached or detaching from you and there is nothing you can do to stop it. Let go! Your only hanging on because you don’t want to face what you already know is happening.
The dating idea is ridicules, she already has a horse picked out, this deal you have made holds no water and you are in no emotional state to go out and start dragging other women into your mess. When are you going to start dealing with your mess? You were 50% of the problem! | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:14:19 AM | | If you really want to repair your marriage, you need marriage counseling, not internet advice forums. | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:19:36 AM | Dude.
Sleep overs at the firehouse for emotional support? I have officially heard it all now. That calendar will be epic this year!!
Move on my friend. | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:21:38 AM | | Tell you wife you are ready to own your part of the marital problems and work on it. Ask her if she is willing to do the same. Tell her you will invest money and time in marriage counseling while continuing to reside in the same residence together, or you are willing to pay 50% for a divorce (or all of your legal expenses and she can pay her legal expenses if y'all want to fight over things). Accept no other terms. Dating other people or spending time apart really isn't going to fix a marriage. | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:26:16 AM | I think it is actaully unfair of both of you to date other people at all, who are hoping for a new relationship, what about them ???
by all means be separeted and take some time out to both discover who you are now rather than who you are when you were young but dont involve other people think thats terrible myself sorry and good luck | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:26:38 AM |
If you really want to repair your marriage, you need marriage counseling, not internet advice forums.
It's hard to even think that the op really cares at all. Listed as already separated and looking to date already. But no shet though.
Actions and typed words just aren't lining up the way they should now are they..
Leave her be and let her go on with her life. You obviously don't care the way you should to be in a marriage. | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:52:50 AM | Well yesterday we made a final decision that we will give her some time to deal with her depression using medicine, and that she will try to figure out what she wants in life. We will stay married and be seperated, and date other people. No sex is allowed for either of us during this time with other people.
Why is everyone assuming that this is her idea? Sounds to me like the Op is the one who doesnt want to let go. She has already told him how she feels and he is the one who seems to think that he can erase the past few years of what was essentially neglect of his relationship, when he chose everything else but her to invest his time and effort in. Why should she give this a second chance? I agree with the poster that suggested she has nothing left to give, and given the OP's admitted track record I dont necessarily blame her.
She doesnt seem willing to give up any of the issues I have with her now though. She constantly is down at the firehouse, stays the night there, and talks to her emotional friend more then she does me. She says she wants it to work, but doesnt think it will, and also doesnt want to give up being a kid.
So let me get this straight, after years of essentially taking everything from her and not investing a thing back, YOU have issues with HER? Sounds a little self righteous to me. Somehow I think that you two have had conversations about your priorities in the past and you didnt change your behaviour, so why should she assume that this time you will keep your word? | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:07:58 PM | Let’s see, you want to fix your marriage, which has been damaged by not spending enough time together by spending even less time together.
Right, I got it …..
Ok you are both still young 20 somethings,
Ok you are both still college students,
Luckily you have no kids together.
Time to act like adults, end this little trial marriage and move on.
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:08:48 PM | ^^^^ Agrees with grizzelda!
You sucked the life out of her and now that she is getting help for herself, YOU have issues with her?
Arp | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:16:56 PM | Sorry OP, it sounds to me that what's going on is the slow inch towards over. When two people start moving away from each other in increments it is often because they are saving themselves the immediate pain of declaring it's over, and they "get used to the idea" by bit by bit, leading a practice single life.
You can either:
1. follow the trajectory all the way down to crash and burn.
2. Take the hit now and declare it is over
3. Get to work on changing the trajectory of your marriage. << You've had some excellent advice in this thread on how to do that, so I'll only add this thought: Every one of your actions and words should be in alignment with what works for us in a healthy, supportive relationship. Both of you.
A marriage requires two people in alignment. When one or both start looking outside of the marriage, it is over, whether they want to admit it,or not. Both of you need to change where you are looking if you want this to work.
Oh, I found I have more to say: Rather than a "trial separation" why not try a "trial marriage" where both of you act and speak as if you were in the healthiest and happy of relationships. Even if one didn't especially feel all of it 100% right away, act as if you do. Funny how that can sometimes have people see hope and possibility where they can't whilst focusing on "what's wrong" and "why it won't work". | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:19:11 PM |
If you really want to repair your marriage, you need marriage counseling, not internet advice forums.
This is exactly what I was thinking. The answer doesn't lie in dating other people, with or without sex. | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:22:16 PM |
helping my buddy's shop become a success. Were you an employee of this shop? Or just helping?
Most women want their man to be commited to their relationships. Not to their buddy's life.
She also went to another man for emotional support over this time. What did you expect her to do, while you were ignoring her to support your buddy?
we will give her some time to deal with her depression using medicine, From what I understand, her depression was caused by her crappy relationship, with a guy that ignored her to hang out with his buddies.
Medication may help the symptoms of depression, but it won't cure the cause, which is her crappy relationship with you.
I'd suggest marrital counselling.
If you want this relationship to work, I think you have to learn to be a husband.
If she wants to deal with her depression, I think sher either needs to get out of her relationship with you, or hope that you learn how to become a husband. | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:35:57 PM | As I read your thread, another came to mind - all credit goes to thecatsmeoww -
Give her this and tell her to get help with her marriage
The Grass Is Greener - Or Is It?
The grass may look greener
on the other side of the fence
but if you look real close
it might really be all weeds
just like your own
— or maybe even worse.
If the grass really IS greener
on the other side of the fence,
it’s probably because someone
has put a lot of work into it
and if you join them there
you’ll be expected to do just as much
to keep it that way.
And you never know what weeds
may sprout from the burrs
that you bring with you
when you cross the fence.
If you really wanted to work that hard
you could make your own grass
look just as good
— or maybe even better.
The fact is
the grass is seldom greener
on the other side of the fence
but you’re welcome to see for yourself.
Just remember that when you come back
the gate just might be locked.
So you see,
the only time it’s really worth
crossing the fence
is if you’re living in a thistle patch.
So take a good look
thecatsmeoww | |
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| So what should I do?
Posted: 10/30/2009 2:02:39 PM | You both are afraid to let go of the sinking ship, so you can each swim alone to separate shores.
If she can't decide whether or not to stay married...then it means you aren't part of the equation. She doesn't want to be alone. but she isn't willing to pay a price for it, either.
let her make her decisions about what she wants to do when she grows up. if she comes back...she does so with a clear mind.
buuuuttt...you too, need to figure out what's important in life. you need to work on not putting yourself first all the time. | |
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