| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:07:12 AM | | So Guys, just thought you could give me a little advice. Been dating a guy for 2 months, things are good, things are great, but im not sure where I stand. We spend lots of time together, keep in touch throughout the day, sleep overs, the whole 9 yards, but I am really unsure if its the real deal, or if im just a fling for him. How do you go about asking where things are heading without freaking him out, or making it sound as if I am giving an ultimatum? | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:18:23 AM | | If you're open enough to have sex, you're open enough to speak your mind. Intimacy is all the way or nothing. If the guy is right for you, you can be yourself, and if you can't be yourself, he's not right for you. | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:35:39 AM | | For the most part there is no right way to ask this. If a person is against a committed relationship, they are going to freak no matter how the topic is brought up. The approach I have always thought best was "Hey, it seems we get along pretty well and have fun together. I really do not want to be dating anyone else and would like us to be exclusive." | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:47:04 AM | sleep overs, the whole 9 yards but you have no idea if you're exclusive, in a relationship or just sex partners? And are afraid discussing it would make him "freak out"?
I think you put the cart before the horse.
How To ask the right questions?
Try saying something like "I am really unsure if its the real deal, or if im just a fling" and see how he reacts. If you're afraid this will make stop seeing you, then you already know what you are to him. | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:05:46 PM | You can ask him that and that's fine but being totally honest, some guys will instantly react and say what you want to hear - there won't even be a pause
I've been this guy I'm afraid to say because I had a good thing going and selfishly decided I'd keep it running for my own benefit (I'm not that person anymore I hasten to add)
The only way I can think of at the moment to find out is by making him think your the one that's wondering if its serious because you have other options - does that make sense?
If he seriously likes you then obviously he's going to react in the way your looking for
He may turn around and say what you fear though
Its a tough one to get a straight answer to from some guys so maybe this would be a good way
Careful with it though | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:14:04 PM | | Unfortunately you can’t ask a question he too may not even have the answer to. You two are seeing each other and things are going great so, you can either live in the “Where is this going because I don’t want to wate my time” or, you can live in the here and now and enjoy what you are living with him right now! | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:21:10 PM | As the mother of three sons, ages between 19 and 26, I have learnt so much from them that I wish I'd known in my 20s! If any of them were to be asked 'Where is it going?' after only two months they would all run a mile.
Bide your time is my advice. | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 12:45:48 PM |
You can ask him that and that's fine but being totally honest, some guys will instantly react and say what they think you want to hear - there won't even be a pause
Fixed.
Note: the key phrase in that statement is "some guys". Many guys will tell you exactly what their expectations are. You've only been going out for two months, I would just relax, get to know him - let him get to know you, and see where things go from there. | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 2:06:20 PM | | the bigger question is where were your parents while you were growing up? or did you just ignore them? how can you at 26 be sleeping around with guys and not knowing where you stand? I hope you are not canadas finest. | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 2:13:03 PM | OP, I'll state my convictions: I would hope that you sit down and ask him how he feels *despite* the fact that it might sound like an ultimatum. My god - you're having sex with the guy. If you don't talk about it with him, then all you are is a Friend with Benefits. The funny thing is that the more sex you have with him without talking about where you stand in the relationship, the more that's all you become in his eyes, and the less you will ever become a significant other to him. It's how we think, and it's a vicious cycle.
I wish for you the best.
VVV - Good point: as a guy, if I love you I will be *relieved* that you want to now talk about a relationship. I've probably had it in the back of my mind, but just am trying to find the right way to bring it up. If I am *upset* that you want to talk about it now, all I would be seeing you as is a sex object, and there's no chance of a relationship.
However, that's the thing: are you being "cheeky" now by not asking the question? After you ask it, then you will know truly how he feels about you. You will know where you stand, but sometimes reality has a nasty way of crushing our fantasy. The thing is this: the only life worth leading is in reality, and sometimes it is painful and can be awkward. | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 2:24:27 PM | I am pretty sure if I can let a man in my bed, I can ask a question with out fear.
But then I would already know before the whole 9 yards..
If he treats you like a fling you are.
If he freaks out..gawd..let him go. | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 2:39:39 PM | Ask him what does he want to do with his life.
A guy who is serious about you won't freak out if you ask him serious questions. If he's not serious about you - he'll freak out no matter how you ask it.
Why is that people get in bed with someone else first and want to ask important questions later? If you got in bed with him without asking him questions then the fling is what you signed up for. Now you can gambe on whether or not a relationship might come out of it.
I find it more productive to ask a guy what he wants to do with his life and how does he see his future without any relation to me. It's a good second date conversation. You are a bit further than that. But better late than never. | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 5:11:37 PM | If you don't know, you better ask.
But if you have to ask cus you don't know...
be braced for a negative answer.
Generally us guys aren't subtle and if we like you,
you'll know it.
If it's casual, you'll be left wondering.
perhaps like now.
Two months is not long to us guys.
Maybe he hasn't thought about it much.
But if sex has broken out, it is your right to ask his intentions.
Maybe start off "I like you, where is this heading?"
OR "I like you, and would like to see you exclusively".
Good Luck. | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 5:18:10 PM | Not so much a question as a statement - so you like him, you are together a lot, sleep overs etc., and yet you can be close to him and not know how he feels about you. Is he emotionally closed? Does he ever express himself and tell you how he likes being with you, can't wait to see you, all the normal things that you would expect to hear if he is serious about you.
As an alternative you could tell him, " An old pal of mine from school is back in town and has asked me to meet him for dinner next Wednesday, you don't mind do you?" See how he reacts it will give him the opportunity to open up without putting him under pressure.
If he says "fire ahead, why should I care" you will have an idea - if he talks to you and wants to know more about this pal in detail you can take it he does care. You will have to play a little game or two with this guy to get to the bottom of what is annoying you.
You could ask him straight out but as some of the others have suggested, its early days and he may not know yet either where you two are heading? A little game should sort it all out. Good luck! | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 6:04:56 PM | | You need to talk about it to see where he sees the both of you and you need to be honest how you see the relationship? You and he dont know if your FWB or more. | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 6:28:20 PM | | And, that's where men and women can be so different. All of what you have been doing can be just enjoyed for the sake of doing it. It doesn't always have to go somewhere! We are all speeding for the grave! Why not enjoy, one day at a time? Sounds more like a trap, if you ask me! | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/30/2009 8:40:53 PM | ahhh this is easy. Now, YOU have to play hard to get. since you've been giving it up left and right with little work, to find out if you're something real to him, don't go out with him for two weekends....say you have family matters. you have to pull back for a bit.
then let things go back to normal for 3 weeks. then do the family thing again.
Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? if you can go for a year, then maybe you have something there.
if you can last two years, then you have something serious.
pass three years, if he doesn't give you a ring, dump him. | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/31/2009 2:31:10 AM | I think some of the responders here are giving you bad advice, e.g. - making up other events or people, playing hard to get just to see if you get a rise out of your guy. That's playing games, and is likely to blow up in your face if he ever finds out. It may blow up in your face even if he doesn't: he may feel that you two are exclusive now - I personally only date one person at a time - if you introduce a theoretical "other" guy, he may think that he's misjudged your intent and be put off instead of drawn in.
Two months is not a long time, and from my perspective, would be too early for you or him to make a call as to how serious the relationship may become. JP1111 and NerdStatus alluded to this in their responses too. As to the sex... unfortunately, most men don't attach as much significance to that line as many women do.
The important thought is, does it feel like it's progressing from your perspective? Do you feel like the two of you are getting closer and/or more comfortable with each other?
As Stray Cat suggested, I think that it is reasonable to say something to the effect that you like him, like the time you spend with him, and you would like for the two of you to be exclusive.
We spend lots of time together, keep in touch throughout the day, sleep overs, the whole 9 yards, ... As a parting thought, I don't think that he would be putting that much effort into "just a fling". If he only called you on weekends, expected you to stay the night, then has "other things to do" the next morning, then yeah, that would be a fling... | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/31/2009 4:28:59 AM | the bigger question is where were your parents while you were growing up? or did you just ignore them? how can you at 26 be sleeping around with guys and not knowing where you stand? I hope you are not canadas finest.
I don't believe this is a fair statement. She's 26 and has been dating the guy for two months, so I don't see anything wrong with them sleeping together. You make her sound like a bad person and take a shot at her folks. Not cool.
OP: As for your question, I would go with honesty. Don't play games. If you want things to develop further, then tell him that. He may be delighted to hear that. If he's on a different page, then at least you know and can move on. | |
|
| How To ask the right questions...
Posted: 10/31/2009 4:56:06 AM | 1) figure out what you're looking for. Then you'll know what to ask for.
2) once you've decided what is important...then you'll know what you're willing to risk, in order to get an answer.
i.e., will you use a relationship to make certain you aren't in an exclusive relationship, or is being "not alone" more important and so you don't rock the boat? | |
|
Home
login 
