| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/30/2009 6:23:43 PM | I did a search for this, so I apologize if it's been asked a lot... But I haven't seen it asked exactly like I've been questioning it.
So, I was messaging with a guy and it seemed to be going well. A few days later, we ended up IM'ing for a few hours, got along really well, exchanged numbers. During the conversation, I was very direct about certain things I'm NOT looking for (ie: I don't get into sex immediately; I won't go over to a guy's place for a first date; I don't drink a lot of alcohol on the first date either, etc.)...
He texts and we end up planning to meet after he gets off work (but we leave the details open). The next day, 7pm rolls around. I'm at a friend's house, and I get no call. By 8pm, my friend and I decide to just go get dinner. At 8:30, he calls and says he just finished up dinner and was going to take a "quick" shower and then we should get together. Obviously, I ask him what we'd be doing. He says we could walk around Main Street, and when I ask where we should meet, he tells me his cross streets off of Main- saying he has an extra parking permit so I can just park there.
I already don't feel great about that, so while waiting for him to let me know he's done showering, I decide I'll just park on the actual street across from a coffee shop or something. He doesn't text me to say he's out of the shower until 9:30. :| LONG SHOWER?! Lol, but I head over... tell him where I'm waiting to meet him. Thing is, it's a Weds night and everything except bars are closed (and I'm 20).
So we end up just walking and talking. Things are going pretty well, he's attractive, funny, and we keep up a good conversation. We end up walking down to the beach area (like two blocks away), but it's freezing already- so the coast makes it colder. We turn around fairly quickly from it, and walk back towards Main. I don't know the area extremely well, but we end up stopped at the street of his apartment. He asks me if I want to come up and see his place, hang out. I look at him and at the street, and say: "IIII don't think soo..." There was an awkward silence for like a minute as we walked, then conversation jumped back on track. After a few minutes, he goes: "So where did you park? I'll walk you to your car." I say okay, I guess, and he explains there's really nothing much to do unless I have any ideas. I don't. I think pretty much, at that point, my date is spoiled because I wouldn't go up to his apartment.
He tells me he had a really nice time, and he'd give me a call sometime. Then his arm sort of gestures out, sort of wondering if he can hug me or what, so I take initiative and give him a hug goodbye.
I thought that it was done with, he didn't remember or just didn't respect my limits for public settings on first dates. The walk lasted all of 20 minutes tops.
Then, two days later, I get a text asking me what I'm doing this weekend. And if I'd like to come over tonight, to watch a movie and open some wine.
???
Is it normal for ladies to go over to his place so early on? I'm really inexperienced with dating (I've been on 4 dates total in my life. So really.), and to me, asking me over is asking me to do some "cuddling" in the guy sense. When would it be appropriate to go over to his place? I'm just curious for other people's opinions on that one.
I guess what perplexes me is that I was clear on not diving into the sexytimes, and now it leaves me wondering... | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/30/2009 6:31:27 PM | Nope. The guy wants to get laid and he's disrespecting you to boot.
You have not been vague about what you are looking for and he is purposely trying to manipulate things so that you feel bad/pressured/awkward and so that you will go to his place. You are absolutely 100% right that he would put the moves on you there.
If he was a respectful person, he would be planning dates during the day.
Don't second guess yourself. Let this one go. You are a pretty girl - you can do a LOT better.  | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/30/2009 6:40:50 PM | quote[I guess what perplexes me is that I was clear on not diving into the sexytimes, and now it leaves me wondering... ]
Remember, his little head doesn't have any ears  | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/30/2009 6:42:22 PM | You may be young and only dated a few times, but your feelings about 'his place' are right on target. When women say 'cuddling or snuggling', we mean just that...curled up in your arm watching a movie, sitting on the couch. Pull a warm afghan over us on a cold night. When men use those words, they mean 'sex play' or 'pre sex play' or 'trying to get to 1st base play'.
I'm well into my 50's and the situation is still the same. Nope, I'm not going over to his house for several dates. It will undoubtedly lead to an awkward situation on my part...fending him off politely...slipping away from his overeager grasp. If I like him at all, I don't want to be put in this position because it is I who will then be called the 'tease' or a variety of other names I won't mention.
Regardless of what you say in your profile or in person about your 'limits'....a guy is a guy and most of them will go for whatever they want, until you stop them. | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/30/2009 7:05:16 PM | | There are so many other things he could have arranged with you; instead, he chooses to make last minute 'dates' where there is nothing to do but spend time at his place. He's being disrespectful by not making arrangements earlier. He's not giving you time to suggest anything or make other plans. It's all last minute 'so we might as well go up to my place' stuff. Looks like he's setting you up. At the very least, he's immature, disrespectful and thoughtless. Any worthwhile guy would listen to you. This one is pretending he's not heard. | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/30/2009 7:09:10 PM | Always go with your gut feelings.
There is plenty of time to visit his place open some wine and have wild monkey sex after your actually dating regularly. Not much has changed over the years, nice guys will invite you to go to the movies, take a walk in the park, go out to lunch etc. Boys that do not understand proper boundaries will try and get you upstairs as quickly as possible. Don't be afraid to tell him you prefer to date and get to know a person before you go to their home. | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/30/2009 7:20:19 PM | ^^^^
Yup, if he was really into you, he'd take you to a movie or someplace YOU want to go.
All guys want sex from a girl we're attracted to.
But if a guy is into you, he'll do stuff you like,
get to know you, and eventually romance into sex with you that way.
If a guy isn't....
it's "just come over to my place" last minute.
Why go thru alot of trouble over a girl he's not that into? | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/30/2009 8:55:20 PM | ha! OP, you are naive! let me tell you what will happen if you come up to his apartment. you two are going to have sex. the wine will smash your jugdements and his pressures will pressure your clothes off!
The reason why he was showering before your first date was because he already had sex with his dinner date and didn't want to smell like puh-na-nee in your midst.
It doesn't matter if you're clear or not. Us guys are crafty, and we can make you believe you want to have sex with us even if you think you don't! | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/30/2009 8:56:21 PM | | If you need a dating coach, send me an email. I will decipher all the tricks us guys use. I am already a coach for another women. | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:41:13 PM | I beg to differ. I'm NOT naive (entirely), but I was questioning myself and thinking I was being too skeptical and maybe a little hyper vigilant. And I would not end up doing any of those things if I had gone to his apartment :P Though, that's what I am seeing a guy would assume... And I know for a fact it wouldn't because I wouldn't be giving away the v-card to a guy I've walked around the block with a couple times for all of 15 minutes. Even if I did have a glass of wine...
And I did sort of in the back of my mind consider he may have been on another date or something, but he called me twice and I called him once and we spoke on the phone (he called me at 8pm to see if I'd go out, I called him back at 8:30 saying I'd finished up dinner with a friend... and he called again at 9:30pm to say he'd finished the shower). That would be a hell of a lot of work escaping the company of another lady to pick up the phone and speak with me :P
I don't think I need the dating coach, but thanks for offering. I am rather hypervigilant at times, so I think I'm okay at seeing the red flags in terms of my safety. Any of the other stuff not related to red flags, and I don't need it. I'm being myself, meeting people I'm interested in, and learning from these duds. | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:47:52 PM | Oh, Stray Cat- you are saying he's just not that into me? I guess that could make sense, with the lack of effort. I've just come across some guys who called me up last minute to go out and meet them at clubs late at night, and some where actually interested. One guy asked me out every day for a week like that, even though I said I needed a warning and I wanted to meet in the daytime-- I just assume that some guys are ..clueless?
Thanks to everyone else for replying as well.
I ended up texting him to remind him I don't go to his place until we've dated, and I don't count a 20 minute walk as a date.
His suggestion? Going to lay out on the beach, in the shade (how considerate for my fair skin  ). I told him that sort of defeats the purpose, and would just be us lying on the sand in little clothing instead. He suggested bringing along sunscreen.
-sigh- | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:57:00 PM | Seriously-- you met a stranger on the street close to 10pm at night when businesses were closed and walked to a deserted beach? Alone? With a guy you spoke to once?? And you don't know the area extremely well??? And then you hugged him????
I'm really inexperienced with dating No kidding! You're not experienced with personal safety, either. Read some of the articles here
http://www.wiredsafety.org/internet101/aromance.html
>Is it normal for ladies to go over to his place so early on? Of course not!!!!!!!
I am rather hypervigilant at times I call BS | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:10:17 PM | I didn't say all the businesses were closed. There were bars/restaurants open. This is a city, there were plenty of people on the street walking around. The beach wasn't deserted either. I spoke to him more than once, as well.
And I should know the area better than I do, but I meant in terms of how I came to find myself on his street without noticing. Not familiar with side street names, but I was aware of the beach being two blocks West from my car. Which is where we walked.
And, uhm, I suppose if I were really concerned with my personal safety THAT much, I would never meet anyone off of the internet. But a girl has got to take a chance..
And call BS as much as you want, but you have no concept of who I am or my life experiences or upbringing.
I am very hyper vigilant and I have had to make conscious efforts to take down my guards and warning sirens. I'm the girl who walked down the block at noon in her own neighborhood to the Starbucks a couple of times, and when a man sitting on the side of the road said: "It's nice to see you again," had a panic attack and took weeks before deciding to go back to the Starbucks, taking a different route.
Thank you for the article link. | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:14:00 PM | I am very impressed with your instincts. They are correct. Go with them! This is not a gentleman you have given a chance to get to know you. You might prefer to pass this one up for a classier guy deserving of your wise soul IMHO | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:52:13 AM | | I guess the only thing that i can suggest is maybe stick to your guns more because it didn't sound like he was respecting you from the start like not meeting in public settings and it wasn't even a date before asking to go up to his apartment so maybe you should have insisted from the start that your wishes are respected. Having said that, your instincts were pretty good on the date and you sound smart but yeah, maybe insist more on your wishes. | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/31/2009 4:09:08 AM | o/p: keep the upper hand of the situation, have a public place of your own picked out (coffee shop, diner, park etc.) suggest he meets you there (and at a decent time of day)
-if a guy is suggesting going back to his place late in the evening -he usually has one thing in mind. -women usually aren't apt to invite a guy in unless she wants some action as well! -especially if alcohol is involved... | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/31/2009 5:32:32 AM | Sorry but this so sounds like he is desperate to get you to his place one way or another.
Go with your gut instinct, if it feels wrong - dont do it.
If he wants you he will wait and date first
EDIT: for a while stick to lunch dates, till you get in the swing of things.
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SECURITY AT ALL TIME : Always leave his/her name and address and contact info off the site with someone who is likely to miss you, and get someone to ring you, to make sure you are ok on the date - Simple security for men and women. | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:23:01 AM |
is, it's a Weds night and everything except bars are closed
So, you head out a bit after 9:30 PM on a Wednesday night and the only thing open are bars? Maybe if you’re in Toledo, but in Los Angeles? No way. | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:10:39 AM | Ok,For him to ask you to come to his place on a first date and for you to say no is totaly ok.Good guys will respect this and respect you more for saying no.(in my books anyway).
going over for a bottle of wine may or may not include cuddling but me personaly,I wouldn't put any moves on ya being your coming over for the first time.BUT then there's the bottle of wine.If the 2 of you drink the whole thing your going to catch a buzz and be more in a cuddling kinda mood,dontcha ya think? | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:46:00 AM | WOW!
You say you've only had 4 dates, yet you jump on the other people who have offered you advice.
You told him that you don't have sex right away, don't go over to the guy's house on the first date.
Well, he tried to get you to his house on the first date!!!!!!!!!
You were going to the beach at night with a stranger, someone you just met? Not too smart. Remember the girl in Aruba? They still haven't found her or her body.
If you want a guy to respect you, you don't accept dates at the last minute.
Meeting a guy at 10 pm at night because he was in the shower for an hour? Come on. Don't be so silly!!! He was talking with his buddies or perhaps another girl.
Don't make yourself so available.
A guy should be asking you out at least 1 day in advance.
You're underage and he wants you to drink. He wants to get you tipsy to take advantage of you. How are you going to drive home?
I bet you haven't had that much experience with booze.
Have you no girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc to discuss dating with? What about your Mom?
What are you wondering about? He's not listening to you. Plain and simple. It's all about him, not you. | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/31/2009 5:21:53 PM | | He wants to have sex with you. That is the only reason men insist on you coming over to their place. If you are not going to put out then don't go because they have no interest in snuggling and cuddling with a complete stranger. | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/31/2009 5:58:26 PM | | You can ask for all the advice and receive many responses. But in the end, it is your choice and your choice only. From what you have written, I do not think that you know him well enough to "spend an evening at his place." | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:27:50 PM | | No way....and...you should have had your first meeting in the day light....in a busy setting....your not old enough to drink and he wants to give you wine and then convince you not to drive...and Bingo...he did everything that day that was important to him....then called you....you continue with him..you will be at the bottom of his list always...Everything else will come first... | |
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| Going over to his place..??
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:43:50 AM | Hi OP. You seem to be handling things just fine from where I'm sitting. I think you might have to consider the possibility you'd really prefer someone a little more conservative to date. They are around, do tend to be more among the religious communities though, but srsly you can find easy going agnostics among those who're just into the religion for the family thing and also are very gentlemanly as a matter of course because it's how they've been brought up.
Basically I think this guy might not be enough of a gentleman to your lady. And you'll have a much more dreamy relationship if you can find one who is, and it'll definitely be worth the extra time and hassle of finding.
Supernerds also tend to be highly considerate, gentlemanly and have good upbringing (in terms of manners and treating ladies). Try a math genius or something. If you go for gamers, avoid those into MMO's and go for game modders or those into RPG, you get the idea. Dating someone with as little experience as you is worth extra relationship points.
It's the whole first date. I'm thinking nup, this guy isn't right for you. I suspect you think so too. Please don't try to force yourself to think anything other than your own deepseated intuition and opinions. Don't try to force yourself into dating someone not quite appropriate for you, just because everybody else is dating and you suppose that's how it's done. It's not, that's how people go wrong and wind up undatable later. | |
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