| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 10/30/2009 8:18:25 PM | Three women, three stories.
The first woman travels thousands of miles to England to be with the man she loves. On the last night before she has to leave for home early in the morning. he plays video games while she lies naked beside him in bed.
The second woman travels from one state to another state to stay the weekend with the man she loves. She has counted on a night of communication and lots of giving and receiving attention. He insists upon having the television on the whole time, even while sleeping. She even gives him a massage but his thoughts are on the television program and he only talks about that.
The third woman travels from one city to another city 60 miles away to stay the weekend with her man. He plays video games in the next room while she falls asleep in the bed waiting for him.
Do you have a similar story in which you, your partner and a television or a video game are much like a threesome, only you got less attention than the machine? Do TVs and video games pose a threat to relationships more than we ever thought possible? | |
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:58:00 PM | Here is my story. My wife has threatened to divorce me if she finds me playing video games anymore, at all. Even once in a blue moon. She considers them offensive and doesn't understand why I would rather spend time doing that than spend time with her. She cannot seem to understand that they are something I enjoy, regardless of whether it interrupts time I could otherwise spend with her. They are demonized no matter what circumstances are involved. As such I've taken to playing discreetly when I have time, but otherwise do not indulge as often as I would if such a rediculus prohibition weren't placed on the activity. Regardless, I am less than thrilled with her behavior and have stopped discussing the matter with her.
Fact of the matter is that video games, television, or any form of "entertainment", whether it be shopping, gardening, home decoration, bar hoping, or what have you, is in and of itself no threat to a relationship, per se. It's how such entertainment activities are conducted. In all three scenarios listed above they are being used as a scapegoat to hid the fact that the root of the problem is failure to communicate about their needs and failure to understand what the other wants. | |
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 10/31/2009 1:17:16 AM | | These things are no more destructive to a relationship than any other addiction. If you have a naked chic laying next to you and you'd rather be playing Halo or watching some sitcom, you've got issues or you're gay. | |
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:40:23 AM | | For some the barrier is not TV or video games.....the barrier is the focus on sex ans sex alone . Relationships that do not share activities such as TV or other games are just as one sided sided as any other addiction. | |
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:52:17 PM | | It's all in the way time is spent. I have no problem with my other half playing video games. Most of the time when he's doing that, I'm working on homework or reading/other things I like to do myself. We play several multi-player video games together. We also spend plenty of time doing other things together. As long as their attention isn't on the games (or any other hobby) 24/7, there shouldn't be a problem. | |
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:43:12 PM | To be honest, I'm beginning to think the way television and video games figure into a relationship may be a very good barometer of the success of it. On one end of the spectrum, you have people using it to avoid contact and on the other end, you have people who use it as something to do together for fun. In the middle, you have people who are offended by their partner's use of them.
Food for thought. I can tell you that none of the stories I presented in the OP ended up successful. Television and video games certainly were good barometers in those cases. | |
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:55:54 PM | Darlin' CK~....let me...uhhhhh, give it to you in a different way...
"If you want to get more attention than the computer/video-game/TV, try being more interesting than the computer/video-game/TV".
Try reading The Five Love Languages. I'd say there's an excellent chance that the people in question are unevenly yoked in true Love Languages...and for the first part of the relationship they were cruising on Infatuation and Fantasy (wishful thinking). That stuff wears off. Learn their true Love Language and then stake your future. But everybody loves being "loved", so the beginning is always sweet (well, at least until the needy/clingy, addictive, psycho-behavior starts) and the endorphins are more tied to the future than reality.
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/2/2009 5:31:57 PM |
"If you want to get more attention than the computer/video-game/TV, try being more interesting than the computer/video-game/TV".
Now, Mr. Dub, I think I'm pretty doggone interesting naked. At least maybe to the old geezers who can't see very well.
Your advice on learning the five love languages reminds me of a nature program where a female lion slapped the male lion upside the head when she was in heat and he wasn't paying attention. Now that's what I'm talking about! In reality, every one of those guys in the OP needed a good punch in the nose and to be tossed out on his ear in the street. I wouldn't waste one syllable trying to love talk them.
Me thinks you are guilty of blaming the woman again. Why should she love talk him, massage him, and do any number of other good things when the guy is locked into a video game or television program oblivious to her presence? How about a little bit of love language coming out of them?
Nope, I'm still convinced that you can tell a lot about a relationship using the barometer of television and video games. | |
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:20:49 PM | The issue of television goes both ways. i am amazed at the simple minded TV shows that I have learned about talking to women i have met here. Woman with degrees , women that are professionals. Really very bright women watching very boring TV, not going out, help, they are putting me to sleep! | |
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:25:27 AM | If I drive 2 hours one way to spend the weekend with you and I show up after working all day and you are and your buddies are and have been drinking beer and playing video games all day long and you are almost 40? Yeah, BIG <\b> barrier.
Not once, giving him the benefit of the doubt, not twice, only one friend this time and half the amount of beer, but three times and he was OUT!
Oh, and not my loss. Not mine at all.
TV? Main stream programming that I see in other places as I don't own one myself, nor have I for years, my mother was correct in her calling it the "idiot box" as we were growing up, mostly without one. Thanks Mom!
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/3/2009 5:05:41 AM | I really wish you'd stop using "dominant female superlatives" in examples in different threads. Why is a Female Dom/Male Sub(wuss) interaction seem to be the recurring example? If relationships have degraded...to slapping upside the head, building pedestals & moats, lying naked expecting worship and praise...well m'dear, something is askew in your imaginings. I'm not seeing any guys writing about coming home to cold beer and a freshly cooked dinner, complete with a BJ appetizer...that would be just as sexist.
...reminds me of a nature program where a female lion slapped the male lion upside the head when she was in heat and he wasn't paying attention. Now that's what I'm talking about! In reality, every one of those guys in the OP needed a good punch in the nose and to be tossed out on his ear in the street. I wouldn't waste one syllable trying to love talk them.
Me thinks you are guilty of blaming the woman again. Why should she love talk him, massage him, and do any number of other good things when the guy is locked into a video game or television program oblivious to her presence? How about a little bit of love language coming out of them?
Guys...and women for that matter...have had their competitive/outside interests for centuries. Whether it is the guy that retires to the workshop to tinker all evening, the woman who disappears to the kitchen/telephone for a couple hours in the evening, etc., they are doing something which "at the moment" is more interesting than the person they are with.
A naked woman next to me on a bed is only interesting if (a) she is reasonably attractive and (b) she is interested in me and comfortably showing that. The basic problem is...most guys have no idea how to truly seduce the same woman every night. Most guys run out of "moves" very quickly because they aren't very inventive to start with and they need women to help coach them in erotic adventures.
It doesn't matter whether he's a softball freak, a car guy or a gamer, the real question is "What does he get out that that contributes to his self-esteem...his ego?" AND STOP...don't add the pitiful "...over me" to that question. Don't make it competitive...simply ask the question..."Hey Billy Bob Bubba, how come you enjoy killing cartoon characters representing a guy in Australia and a guy in Canada? What's in it for you?"
Learn their Love Languages...Learn your Love Language. Then figure out if the translation is what you really want.
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:10:19 AM | I hadn't realized that I was being all that sexist in my remarks, but I can't remember now what my point was that I was trying to get across in it. So, nevermind.
The basic problem is...most guys have no idea how to truly seduce the same woman every night. Most guys run out of "moves" very quickly because they aren't very inventive to start with and they need women to help coach them in erotic adventures.
This is good to know. I never thought about it like that. But I don't know that women always need to be seduced. Attention is all that is wanted, and no special technique is needed to do that. Just some quality face-to-face time, talking. That is very erotic. | |
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:28:50 PM | Now that's cutting to the chase Crimson Granny Jones!
"This is good to know. I never thought about it like that. But I don't know that women always need to be seduced. Attention is all that is wanted, and no special technique is needed to do that. Just some quality face-to-face time, talking. That is very erotic."
I so avoid being agreeable, but this is a case of simplicity leading to the bare truth (yea-slipping because I didn't choose naked). IMO if a woman requires seduction every night then I suspect the seducer has issues and not the same woman. The very word seduction implies deception, persuasion, temptation, and similar connotations. So, running out of moves seems to indicate the truth short-changed. Is it possible to run out of love? If the answer is probably not-then how would you run out of excitement about the one you love?
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:29:57 PM |
Attention is all that is wanted, and no special technique is needed to do that. Just some quality face-to-face time, talking. That is very erotic.
To you...perhaps. But to the next person you date, maybe not so true. Or do we all act the same to you?
To a guy who's primary Love Language is Quality Time, but with whom Words Of Affirmation are lowest on his Love Language Meter, what you just said may have been the kiss of death. He may be perfectly content with you being there with him without feeling a need to talk. You on the other hand want the Words to flow...so you're frustrated...you don't feel loved...so when he wants to spark something later you're not receptive to the kissing and foreplay because you haven't had your Words LL tickled all evening. BTW, this goes both ways...if you're wanting to talk all night while he wants to focus on the ball game or movie or read a book, he may not feel very lovey-dovey, either.
And I disagree...special technique is needed to do that. Your definition of "attention" includes Words. What about Touch...or Gifts...or Acts of Service? But if your LL is Words and mine is Gifts, we're never going to be on the same wavelength...so yeah, we need to learn how to interpret each other's behavior and we need to learn how to attempt to communicate in a style more native to them. Why? Well, would you rather have someone you're dating try to express themselves in Words...or would you rather grit your teeth and understand that him changing the oil in your car is his way of expressing his love and you have to suffer with the "that's just the way it is" woe.
Think of The 5 Love Languages this way...knowing who you are...and understanding your partner's LL's, gives you an incredible leg up on getting to real, meaningful communications...and eventually to the type of deep, emotionally intimate relationship we all want to savor for the rest of our lives. Great magical relationships happen in the movies 98% of the time...and in real life almost never...we simply use infatuation help make us believe we have a great, magical relationship when in reality, we're just getting over the excitement of having someone who appears to be interested in us.
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:40:46 PM | OK, Mr. Dub, I admit it. I see what you are saying here. I am wrong and you are right in these points about the love language.
I have a friend from high school that once told me that in her marriage, she and her husband have an agreement that if something is bothering one of them, the other one would do something about it. Wow! This has been the highest standard for a relationship in my mind, yet I have never attained to having one of that nature. Many of us have had to "take an old cold tater and wait" when something is bothering us or just suck it up, shut up, and endure.
So what is the answer to incompatible love languages? Or anything incompatible such as TV programs and video games? Does the one partner just have to endure? Or you just go find somebody who speaks your language?
I think I'm in trouble now. I seem to speak a dialect of "alien" as my love language. | |
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:59:52 PM | Everyone needs "chill time"......every couple needs time apart....to pursue own interests etc... While he plays video games or watches his shows on TV....i might read...or i might play video games with him or we could watch TV together....I don't need 100% of a man's attention 100% of the time...
I need my space and would respect a man that needs his space too... | |
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:24:54 PM |
So what is the answer to incompatible love languages?
Learn to translate.
First off, learn what your Love Languages are and understand the relevance each one has in your life. (The Five Love Languages / Chapman). It's any easy 2 night read. Take the test in the back, first.
If you know your partner's LL's are Touch and Gifts, it helps you understand when your partner is trying to communicate it you know how to "listen" for it.
Enjoy the read...it'll probably change how you perceive things.
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:53:37 AM | | Seems like people do not learn love langauges for a variety of reason. Perhaps a person simply does not care as long as the sex is there when they want sex. Perhaps the sex is the only glue in the relationship and there is little else to keep the couple together. perhpas it is simply a matter ofnot wanting to acknowledge what you hear. For some it is easier to say they did not hear the message and avoid owning responsibility rather then admit they simply don'y care. This goes back to people rushing into having sex .Sex becomes everything in the relationship and in the end sex never becomes very special, sex never becoming love. How careless we are with our hearts. | |
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:34:03 AM |
Learn to translate.
Yes, but we all know things can be lost in translation. I have been known to translate people's actions and miss what they meant completely mainly because I am too generous in giving people the benefit of the doubt.
There is always the danger, too, when someone learns those love languages so well that they can manipulate people into translating what they want you to translate.
There just has to be a safe guard somewhere in these things, a measuring stick whereby you can keep things in balance. Perhaps the Love Languages book outlines this.
My problem is that my wish list at Amazon is growing bigger and bigger. I need to win the Publishers Clearing House sweepstakes to fund my book budget. | |
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:03:58 PM | CK~...I've bought over 20 c0pies to give to couples who need this kind of info. I've applied the info in this to better understanding my kids, co-workers and even customers. It is...in my mind...the single best book on developing a solid foundation upon which to base all of your other dating/relationship/communications behaviors.
Everybody likes being appreciated. Reading this will (a) help you better learn how to express your feeling to others, and (b) help you understand when they are doing all the things that THEY think will make you happy and how for you to grasp and receive that.
Most importantly, share the book...have them also take the test to help them understand what their LL's are. This is one of three books in "my collection" that I can honestly say is "dog eared" from being used. Sure beats all the stuff that still looks like new because it lost meaningful content by page 7 and my interest about 2-3 pages later.
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| Are TV programs and video games barriers in relationships?
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:06:24 PM | Only when they take up so much time that the one playing them neglects their responsibilities.
I was with someone for 4 years. I was the only one working much of the time and before I left for work one day, I asked my ex bf to do the dishes. I came home from working a double shift to find a sinkload of dishes in my sink. I asked him why he hadn't done the dishes and he told me it was because he had been playing video games all day long. He's lucky I didn't take that playstation and shove it where the sun don't shine. | |
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