| "Still friends?" Should they be?
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:33:02 PM | Ok, I'll admit that I primarily am looking for womens' perspective on this question, since it happened to a woman, but men's replies appreciated as well.
Ok, here's the scenario: Guy and Girl meet at online dating site, and go on a date. Guy and Girl hit it off well, and want to see each other again.
Guy and Girl talk on phone OCCASIONALLY, but are more often texting or IMing. Girl is definitely interested in Guy, and Guy expresses interest as well. Girl tries to ask if free on a given weekend, day, whatever, but Guy has to work, or has a dental appointment, or promised to help a friend with something, etc. USUALLY, though, it's having to work late, or for weekends, sometimes having to work a weekend day, sometimes an unexplained not free that weekend. He does say though that he wants to see her again.
Ok, so this goes on for four months, though IMs and texts become less frequent as time progresses.
At around the 4 month point, they IM again, and Guy mentions that there's something he's gotta say... he got some girl pregnant two months ago, and, needless to say, he's involved.
Girl says she had a feeling, given the constant lack of time, etc. ie: work or something always getting in the way.
Guy says when he said he was working, he actually was working.
Conversation mostly interrupted, but Guy finishes with "Still friends?"
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So, what do you think her answer should be to that? | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:53:22 PM | | This 'gal' was about 10x more patient than I would be. Honestly. After 1st ditched weekend im moving on! | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:55:16 PM | I know that I'm a guy, but I'll express an opinion - the guy should face a nail gun firing squad aiming at his balls.
They have been having indirect contact with woman #1 for four months ... but got a woman#2 pregnant two months ago ... but kept saying over the four months to woman #1 that he was busy at work.
Yeah, he was busy ... busy pounding woman #2 ...
If you want to date multiple women, that's fine. Just don't lie about it - or mislead. Otherwise you're a player - and nobody likes a player. | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/30/2009 9:57:46 PM | Well, just to clarify . . . they were both "dating," and there was no expressed or implied exclusivity (they'd only gotten on ONE date after all).....
I should also say that nobody was ever stood up, just an "I can't make it this weekend..." or whatever.
So far I'm quite frankly in agreement with the responses, but I just wanted an outside-of-my-own-prejudices view on it... | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:06:08 PM | No one said that exclusivity was the issue. The issue is that the guy *completely* mislead woman #1 by saying, "I'm busy." If he was busy, why is he dating woman #2? Why not just say, "You know, I just want to make sure its understood that we aren't in an exclusive relationship?" At the very least, don't say something you aren't - just say, "I'd rather not go out with you this weekend."
Oh yeah, that's right ... he wanted her to be exclusive, but not him. It sounds like this guy is Prince Charming. Perfect proof that my firing squad wouldn't have been effective on this guy - he would have to possess a pair. The guy is a coward to boot.
And guys wonder why women are not more trusting ... | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:55:26 PM | | No...he wasn't open and honest with her...you have to be able to trust your friends too to be completely honest with you | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:40:18 AM | They never were friends. How can they continue something that didn't start?
But, IMO what he really wants to know is, "Are we parting on good terms?" So I think, since it really doesn't matter, the answer to give is something like, "Sure, okay."
And then just drop him - finally.
I join several others in being thoroughly baffled by her continuing contact with him.
If she told him she'll get back to him on that, and then asked your advice, I'd advise her to just not get back to him. | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/31/2009 5:41:44 PM | first off.. you never WERE "friends" you were 2-date text buddies and he wasnt that into you, but MORE interested in the girl he knocked up.
now.. Put yourself in the other girl's place. She is knocked up by this turd and is probably hopeful he is gonna stick around and be there for her and the kid. Think she wants some bimbo her guy dated TWICE to continue in ANY sort of way? (oh.. to HER you are a bimbo)
You TELL him that NO.. You ARENT "friends" and then give him a lecture to man-up to this girl and the baby. and to NEVER contact you again.
THAT's what a responsible person does. | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/31/2009 5:56:49 PM | Yep, I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that either.
Proof yet again that texted doesn't help further a relationship. It's impersonal, perhaps if they had actually had phone conversations, they could have scheduled in some dates.
I wouldn't necessarily be parting on good terms either. I've been in this EXACT situation. It's almost like the man thinks I'm a fackin idiot. Not everyone is stupid. Most people would have guessed the exact same thing that she did.
You want my respect? Go be with the woman you knocked up instead of worrying "how you look". | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:26:36 PM | | I wouldn't consider someone that puts me off for 4 months to be a friend to start with......let alone "still" | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:36:45 PM | | I have to say you can not still be friends if you never were.. friendship includes honesty and there wasnt any. plus thats pretty much just a way of putting her on the backburner in case things dont work out with pregnant girl. | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:40:14 PM | Ahhhh 1kindman, the OP is a guy.
OP, based on the scenario you've presented I'd have given up on this guy long before that conversation. As for "still friends?" I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who hadn't been honest with me. | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:51:59 PM | Since I sometimes like to play devil's advocate.....
They hadn't dated, hadn't even met, and he WAS honest, assuming that he was working when he said he was, as he stated. There are many of us not willing to be completely open, particularly with strangers they have never even laid eyes on. Perhaps he simple enjoys their conversations, perhaps he is keeping his options open, as it were, in case the pregnant gf relationship doesn't work out.
That having been said, if she places any value whatever on their talking, there is nothing wrong with remaining friends, at a distance, no different than what has been. For me personally, not my cup of tea, but she certainly wouldn't be the first to step up when the relationship with the girlfriend fails. | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:15:37 PM |
Guy finishes with "Still friends?" So, what do you think her answer should be to that?
“Sure, still friends. Besta luck to ya. Bye.” | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:54:40 PM | ohwhynot46 wrote:
Since I sometimes like to play devil's advocate.....
I love it when people do that, actually. Gives an interesting perspective quite often.
ohwhynot46 wrote:
They hadn't dated, hadn't even met
Actually, they had. One date. That was mentioned in the second paragraph - though my third paragraph probably wasn't as well-written as it should've been because it sort of pushes that fact to the side... I probably should've been clearer.
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Okay . . NOW . . I'm going to jump tracks slightly......
SAME scenario for the MOST part - but the roles are reversed. After the first date, they both say interested in getting together again. But this time, the GUY is the one expressing interest, Girl usually has to work or is busy with something.
IMs later still reaffirm mutual interest, etc. Fourth month, the girl mentions that she's two months pregnant - and says, yes, she actually was working on those occasions she says she was working.
She then asks - "Still friends?"
(ok, neither of these were EXACTLY four months, but in the 3 to 4-1/2 month range with the pregnancy having actually happened halfway through that period... yeah, I know strange people).
My opinion is the same as it was with the other scenario.
Is that the case for anyone else? Any reversals of opinion? If so, why? | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:57:18 PM | They hadn't dated, hadn't even met, and he WAS honest
Were we even reading the same thread? I mean, seriously, the OP clearly wrote:
Guy and Girl meet at online dating site, and go on a date. Guy and Girl hit it off well, and want to see each other again.”
(bold mine)
The OP also writes:
Guy and Girl talk on phone OCCASIONALLY, but are more often texting or IMing. Girl is definitely interested in Guy, and Guy expresses interest as well. Girl tries to ask if free on a given weekend, day, whatever, but Guy has to work, or has a dental appointment, or promised to help a friend with something, etc. USUALLY, though, it's having to work late, or for weekends, sometimes having to work a weekend day, sometimes an unexplained not free that weekend. He does say though that he wants to see her again.
Ok, so this goes on for four months, though IMs and texts become less frequent as time progresses.
(again, bold mine)
As for honest, what the man said was:
Guy says when he said he was working, he actually was working.
His excuses were more than just working so I wouldn’t call him honest (see above quote about dental appointment, etc). The man couldn’t make time for someone he said he wanted to see again. Nope, I'd say he's not friendship material.
Edit: OP, since you have asked if it were the same scenario with the roles reversed I'd say the woman wasn't friendship material. | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:03:01 PM | "Still friends?"
"No... thanks but I don't think we're really on the same page. Take care." | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:27:44 PM | Okay this is what I understand so far:
- Guy is well aware of the fact that Girl #1 is interested in him more than just a friend all these months
- Guy has been telling her he's been *busy* and putting off plans to meet again after one date
- Guy has got Girl #2 pregnant and wants to stay friends with Girl #1
I am struggling to decide what else the guy wants from Girl #1, other than a FWB deal when he asks her "still friends"? | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:16:19 AM |
My opinion is the same as it was with the other scenario.
Same answer for me. Why would anyone want a friend like that anyway?!?! Maybe I'm too principled, but.... | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:29:33 AM | | I think guy and girl are text/im friends, which we know are imaginary ones made up in our internet lives - and different from our real friends. I seriously doubt girl sat there for 4 months watching life pass by, hanging on every moment for guy to text/im her about meeting again. | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:15:44 AM |
My opinion is the same as it was with the other scenario.
Yep, same here, too. It's the same thing!
In either case, and/or both, I like ohdriver's reply suggestion. And leave it at that. | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:56:22 AM | What he wants is absolution. He wants you to say "sure we can be friends" so he can feel less like a heel for leading you on for four months. If you agree to be "friends" he doesn't have to have a twinge of guilt for being less than forthcoming about his true situation.
So no, you can't be friends, since you weren't friends in the first place. Friends don't treat each other that way. I feel sorry for the "baby mama" who will always have to wonder if he's texting/iming someone else he's only "dated" once and wants to still be "friends" with.
Move on.
My .02
J. | |
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| Still friends? Should they be?
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:52:21 AM | | Still friends? They never really had anything going on between them to begin with, IMO. They had one date and the rest of the time they were just texting acquaintances. He obviously wasn’t that busy if he found time to impregnate another woman. Now that the man has a girlfriend and a baby on the way, I really don’t think forging a new friendship with someone he was once romantically pursuing is appropriate. | |
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