| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:15:15 PM | Okay, I've been mulling this over a while and I wonder...
Is it even possible to have a successful coffee date? Oh yes, I know you can get along well... but since it was already predetermined to be a short period of time, does it make you seem the less interested party if you say... end it around the time you thought it was going to end because you had something to do?
I feel coffee dates are just like... so half-assed and yet allow each party to be so overly critical of the other... god only knows how we will end up not single anymore. The coffee date is an acknowledgement that you are basically there to scrutinize each other for any potential 'red flags' or 'pitfalls' prior to actually spending the time and money on a real date. But something about *looking* for a fault allows you to actually find one... 100% of the time. Even if it is imaginary.
I've been on a couple and they just seemed to be like... customers sizing up merchandise which happens to be each other since there is no other 'fun' thing to do.
I'm almost wanting to go on real date (where I pay my share) but going to do something FUN... ie. bowling...minigolf... a movie... a play... etc. Something that takes the pressure off of meeting a stranger. I would hope under those circumstances even if there wasn't a 'spark' two grown ups could have some fun and potentially make a new friend.
What is your take on it? | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:20:30 PM |
but since it was already predetermined to be a short period of time,
Who the heck said this?
The principle of a coffee date is that you able to talk while drinking some coffee, to share some interests. If things click, sometimes the dates can last hours. Often, after coffee, the guy says, "Hey, I was wondering if you want to go out to grab a bite to eat/walk in the park/see a movie/insert activity here." Thus, it can grow to be more.
Someone must not like drinking coffee ... | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:26:29 PM | I meant when I schedule a coffee date, I don't usually put it at a time when I have hours to kill afterward. Usually it *can't* last longer or I'm blowing something else I gotta do off. If it was a real date, then i'd probably give it more time, ya know?
Idk. And why would I block off hours anyway? I mean if it didn't work out... then I'd have nothing to do but sit at home and mope. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:28:46 PM | I've had successful coffee dates. My last two relationships started out that way. My last relationship started when we met at a coffee shop that was kind of like a star bucks place, then decided to go somewhere else for lunch, then went for a walk, then made plans to see each other the next day. We lasted a year, but broke up for reasons that would take way too long to explain.
My relationship before that one was pretty much the same. We met for coffee in the evening and then made plans to go to lunch the next day.
So, if the chemistry is there, the "first meet coffee dates" go straight into dating from there.
I have had a lot of coffee first meets that I could not wait to get out of there, too though. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/30/2009 10:35:11 PM | Well, doesn't that have to do with the mentality that you're entering the coffee date? For example, if I showed up for a dinner date saying, "Man, I only have 10 minutes to eat - work is hectic," I don't think that would be that great of a date.
And thus maybe that is what the disconnect is for you misunderstanding of the coffee date. The principle of a coffee date is to be able to get together for around 3o minutes to drink coffee, talk, and get a basic understanding to see if there is a spark of chemistry - HOWEVER - if things click, you do activities afterward; go out to eat/go to the park/etc. If there is no chemistry (usually you can tell if there is no chemistry within the first 20 minutes - at least I can), then it's a nice segway for both parties to just walk away.
It would be like if I showed up for a dinner date, noticed within the first 10 minutes there was no chemistry, and said, "Look, I know think we are a good match ... I'm going to call it a night." Over one Ask-A-Guy board, there was a thread (before deletion due to repetitive) noting that women would prefer if you don't think the date is going great to just say so than to play along the entire night acting as if you do. To me this makes sense. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/30/2009 11:49:14 PM | OP, you are right on with your thoughts.
Dinner invitations
Acceptance rate: 50%
Success rate of those: 30%
Coffee shop invitations
Acceptance rate: 95%
Success rate of those: 0% | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 12:56:22 AM | coffee dates are fine, I make it a habit to make the rounds to all my local baristas ;)
or did you mean actually taking someone to coffee? Not so much with those. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 1:49:04 AM | Idk. And why would I block off hours anyway? I mean if it didn't work out... then I'd have nothing to do but sit at home and mope.
Block off hours? Geez...are you a CEO with a tight calendar?
I've had coffee dates that lasted for hours and we did something afterwards too. That's how coffee dates work. If there's no chemistry, the date is short. If there's chemistry, then the date could last all night if both want it to. The possibility of a "no match" and a short date is reality and the chance you take. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 5:03:42 AM | hey there tuffluv, i see your point but IMO the tendency to size another person up like merchandise says a whole lot more about the person doing the scrutinizing, and a whole lot less about the setting.
there is a relationship between "coffee" and "scrutiny" but it's not causal... because people who want to put you under a microscope are generally the same type that don't want to "waste a lot of time and money" with somebody on a "real date" without putting you under the microscope first. but in their mind, i'm sure a coffee first meet/non-date is their version of "taking the pressure off" because they would probably feel very uncomfortable going bowling with you.... and you'd still be under the microscope anyway because that's just the way they think.
nothing wrong with asking if they want to do something different... but i think a movie or a play are terrible 1st date ideas because it doesn't give you the "face time" or the opportunity to talk to the other person. see, you cannot escape the fact that ultimately the first date/meeting IS a "smell test".... but that doesn't mean you should stare at your date like a fresh hunk of meat, lol.
sorry to say, i am one of these coffee first meet/non-date people.... that's definitely my comfort zone. i would be willing to consider other things if they weren't too elaborate. i hope i would never give somebody a distinct and painful sense that i was "sizing them up"... and i don't think i do that (although of course, that's what we're BOTH doing).... there's an element of finesse and subtle social skills that are needed to help put the other person more at ease and build rapport, which in the end is what "coffee" is all about.
if i met somebody for the first time and they gave me a really strong sense of being "tested" -- regardless of what kind of date it was -- i'd write it off to shitty social skills and that would be the end of them. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:18:15 AM | When the coffee is tasty and not too hot when you sip it!
Also if you don't spill any of it on you . | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:22:29 AM | Every coffee/just drinks date i have had resulted in success, i never put a time limit on it to the other person.
If we got along great then it would always last for hours and i would intentionally cut it shorter so we have a real date to look forward to.
Before you even get to the coffee/drinks you should have gotten to know each other through email,chat and especially phone conversation to make sure you are sincerely interested in taking things further.
Meaning you know before the coffee/drinks you already like each other and any red flags haven't popped up yet as a deal breaker.
You have to be positive about meeting them, coffee/drinks is just a comfortable, inexpensive way to build on what you already started through phone conversations.
You don't just send a cold email to someone asking them to go for coffee/drinks like the DATE NIGHT function. It just doesn't work.
A real date is fine, but it puts a lot of pressure on each other to make it worth the expense,time and trouble you are going through and you risk being dissapointed with them if they don't put the same effort into it especially after going above and beyond to make a lasting positive impression.
Women are famous for wanting to take things slow and not rush into anything, coffee/drinks is one of the best ways to do that, be more positive in how you look at it and understand that you are trying to build up to something meaningful with that person.
The mighty oak grows from a small seed. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:28:35 AM | Sorry I don't do coffee dates. After meeting a ton of women online here I do happy hour. Usually in ten minutes with half the women I have met off here I NEED A DRINK! So sitting at bar makes it very easy to say bartender... A double shot of tequila please.
Cowboy | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:40:46 AM | Cowboy,
I'm with you. I prefer meeting for a drink. At least if the guy is a bore I 'm in a setting where a bottle of tequila is not far away. (I love tequila even if I'm not a cowgirl) At least I get to enjoy a drink if nothing else.
In addition, being in my 50's and meeting men in their 50's, I prefer no bright lights. I bar provides low lighting, hides alot of the "old" looking faces and wrinkles....makes it much more pleasant or should I say not so harsh. I don;t need harsh at this stage of the game.
And what's with the planned time limitations. I'm not a CEO as one other poster commented. I like to make it as short or long as we want.
Actually I've met some very nice men on this site...... | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:47:21 AM |
And what's with the planned time limitations It is planned to be short so after 20 minutes you can just say well nice to of met ya and leave. It can ALWAYS last longer or morph into a dinner date. But planning it short to start makes escape easier and more polite. You don't have to make excuses. The date was only supposed to last 20 minutes or two drinks whatever comes first. Well it is over. Thanks for coming. Drive safely!
Cowboy | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:01:20 AM | I think OP's perspective of what the coffee date is for is skewed. Whether you call it a date or a meet, I think the first face-time is to see if there's enough there to continue. It is not to see if there are enough reasons (red flags) to stop.
Attitude is everything. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:30:36 AM | | A "real date" can last an eternity when you are with a person you are not attracted to or you can't stand. Coffee dates are just fine in my book. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:46:44 AM | | For me, a good coffee date is one that when it ends, I have enjoyed spending time together and getting to know her better. A great coffee date is one that when it ends, we both find ourselves wanting to spend more time with each other. I've had some awkward coffee dates, where the conversation grinds to uncomfortable lull because we have run out of things to talk about, but there was something good about each one that's not too difficult to find. I can't say I've ever had a bad coffee date though. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:53:35 AM | Beats me, if someone wants to meet for coffee, that's fine, but he can do it with someone else. I like activity dates, wherein we do plan to spend some real time together from the outset. If reasonably well planned, it's really not so hard to cut it short if it's going that badly - which is unlikely if it's something you like to do anyway! And the good old meet for a drink, with an option for dinner if both parties feel like it, works well for me, too.
Gotta consider the source, though - I haven't met many people in person, and I've liked all of 'em. Which, while it may mean I'm doing something right, also means my experience in this area is limited. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:01:10 AM | "Usually in ten minutes with half the women I have met off here I NEED A DRINK!"
I know, that's the stage of the date where you give her the choice of sex or booze... | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:10:00 AM | I'm almost wanting to go on real date(where I pay my share) but going to do something FUN...ie bowling..minigolf ..a movie.. a play..etc* Somtimes that takes the pressure off of a meeting a strangers. I would hope under those circumtances even if there wasn't' spark' two grown up could have some fun and potentialy make a new friend.
tuffluv, thanks for pointing that up. Dating specially first meeting should be fun,like having a nice meal,movies ,dancing etc.. I have experienced hurting my butt sitting listening/ talking ,I think it is nice to have some breaks on conversation by doing things that both of you enjoys. I can understand the man doesn't have very much money to spare, I will pay my own, I will give my share/ money discreetly to the man and order / pay tickets for both of us..
I would like to share my experienced , this is not a typical date , a dirty young guy that down on his luck approached me and ask if I can spare few a chance, I gave him$ 10.00 and he was so thankful and I told him "let's eat " ( I did not let him ride in my car for self protection) so we walk to Mcdonald he carried my bag of things that I bought from a thrift store,,,,,standing looking up at the menu I discreetly hand a $ 20 him told him what I want, and sit down * I don't care if he will run away with my 20 bucks,what I am implementing is "it is not really a harsh, bitter world, for there are some good people.. He was change in to different man, very attentive to me , like a gentleman, he gave back my changes, and I have fun listening to his dreams, his life and we talk about computer ect.. He said he will repay me some day, I said yes of course, *pass it on* then he gave me a hug , I did not mind his unwash smell .. And he was the best date I 've ever had for a while..... | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:38:58 AM | It all depends on the connection you form from the get go......the mood at the time it's set up, comfort levels etc....
I've done coffee meets, movie meets, dinner meets, playdium meets, lunch and a drink meet.
Bottom line the only one's that worked out where I actually ended up dating the guy was from the 'coffee meet' LOL Thank you Timmies.....go figure. But it had nothing to do with the generics of the meet it just had to do with the 'connection' after checking out the 'merchandise' bottom line.
However I can see how one would want their first meet to be more 'meaningful' but what is that really? What does that really consist of?
Just because you choose to meet for a coffee and perhaps sit at the lake while you sip on your java doesn't make the meet less meaningful then doing it over french fries or popcorn. In fact such meets for me (simple, warm) I found were the most benificial otherwise I would not have continued to date those guys....
It's all about the connection and the quality not the quantity. If I just wanted to meet guys to do FUN stuff with I'd rather just do it with my kid or some friends......
What I look for in a meet is not the material but rather the substance, that is why I am here. So to me it doesn't matter where we meet. All that is important is that what impresses me is the "person" I am meeting not the surroundings.
But that is because I believe you can make sparks fly without having to actually light a fire cracker!!
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:58:07 AM | I don't even bother with coffee dates. I don't have the slightest interest in sitting across from one another over a drink. I honestly don't care how simple having a meet, and greet over coffee is.
It's highly boring and is not good for awkward situations.
I would prefer to be doing something active. Something that brings less tention, and won't allow too many awkward moments. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 11:29:02 AM | I don't think coffee meets are what causes things not to click - I think it's the fact that you're not a match with a good percentage of people online all things considered and it just seems stranger because you're doing it in 30 minute increments.
I don't plan a coffee meet with hours to spare either. I'm either on my way somewhere else, or between other things. If we hit it off, there's nothing that says we can't make plans for a future time. I like to go off somewhere and go over it all in my head anyway...sometimes you can't really decide what you want to do with it until you've got some space to review.
I always felt that if I was with a guy I liked and vice versa, coffee would never be boring - and so far, that's turned out to be true. I only get bored if I don't click with the guy. | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 11:34:59 AM | "I always felt that if I was with a guy I liked and vice versa, coffee would never be boring - and so far, that's turned out to be true. I only get bored if I don't click with the guy."
I couldn't agree more. I've had coffee dates that went on for hours and led to dating (then they find out I'm not relationship material).  | |
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| Successful Coffee Dates?
Posted: 10/31/2009 12:10:15 PM | | Men who want coffee dates instead of dinner are cheap Mother F****ers. I have no use for them. Having said that..the coffee dates I have been on never work out. It really is too short a time to get to know someone. I know the above statement will get many angry responses..just remember it's only an opinion of one jaded female. smile. | |
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