| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 10/31/2009 5:32:13 AM | I am trying to help my friend locate her missing son. She placed him up for adoption when he was 10 due to circumstances beyond her control. The people she let adopt him were supposed to let her have contact but never did. I don't think it was something they legally had to do, I think it was just a verbal agreement they had but then again I don't know the whole story so I can't really explain why or what happened with that.
He will be 18 in 4 months, and she wants to search for him then, since she knows you can't really search for a minor.
Since a lot of people come here I thought this may be a good place to ask if anyone has been through trying to locate a missing person and could suggest some agencies that are really good at finding missing people. I could do a google search and come up with tons of agencies but am asking for opinions of people who have had personal experience with trying to locate a missing person and being successful at it.
Any help would be appreciated. | |
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:08:47 AM | He's not a missing person.
18 or not, he's still a kid. And a kid who had a really screwed up childhood. This hunt of hers seems like it might be a very selfish thing to do.
Let the kid become an adult (not a legal adult, a mature adult.) Then get in touch. | |
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 10/31/2009 2:27:59 PM | Agree with the above poster. Your friend voluntarily gave her son up for adoption and it should be up to him IF or WHEN he wishes to search for her to do so. She gave up the right to contact when she signed the adoption papers.
I speak from experience. I was adopted after my biological mother abandoned us and my dad died a couple of months after she left. If she had come looking for me I would have freaked out totally and it would have screwed me up very badly.
Tell your friend to stop being selfish and put her son's needs and best interests first. | |
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 10/31/2009 2:47:11 PM | | You'll never get any help from the people of POF, they are all too into themselves to give a s h i t about anyone else. Have you tried looking for him on Facebook, I would think that would be a better site than Myspace (another site for weirdos). | |
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 10/31/2009 2:50:57 PM | I have a friend who was turned over to the state as a child. He spent his young years in foster homes and orphanages. His mother reclaimed him when he was a teenager, and he was grateful. Very grateful. I don't have a clew as to how she found him, so can't help with that. This is just a note to say that at least one child was glad to be found.
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 10/31/2009 2:58:18 PM | We have tried looking for him on various social networking sites, but no luck. We don't know if the people who adopted him changed his last name to theirs, or what's been going on with that. We have tried searching under their last name as well, and can't find anything.
I think he'd be happy to reunite with his Mom. | |
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 10/31/2009 4:21:37 PM | | There is actually sites out there that help to match children given up for adoption with their birth parents, if the child wanted to find his birth mother he could be listed. You do not know if he would be happy or not, depends on his memories of his mother and their particular situation, he might not want anything to do with her. | |
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:35:16 PM | At least he was 10 at the time so he should know his birthname, former addresses, what his mother looks like, etc.. She should post a picture of herself at the time of adoption and all the pertinent info she can recall. If she had an agreement with the new parents, she should also know their names, right?
If he wants to search, he'll do so. | |
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:18:42 PM | | I agree with ^^ he was old enough to have good memories of his mother and of being given away, plus it was only 8 years ago. I would imagine if he wants anything to do with her that he will look for her, but he may not think she wants anything to do with him so showing her pictures, one from when he last saw her, on the main social sites would be a good start. | |
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wudger
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Joined: 12/20/2007
Msg: 12 | |
| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:49:47 PM | if just for medical history info only they should get in touch.
google it up. there are a couple of major organizations that help with this. they will help you with the moral implications and the finding process. | |
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 11/1/2009 12:48:31 AM | I don't know how much help I am going to be with this, but here are a few of my thoughts.
In some states, like California and others, not sure which ones, it is my understanding that it is law to allow the birth parents to see the child unless the courts have ruled otherwise. Now if it is not a law, then it is strongly encouraged. I knew several people that adopted from different states that told me this. They said they knew going in that they may only be in this childs life until 18 and that the child seems to be a lot better off when they can see and know their real parent. Now if the parent causes distress or anything negative, the CPS or adoption agency or someone acts on behalf of the child to limit or withhold parental visitation. I think under most circumstances it is limited anyway, by the system, but the adoptive family has the privilege to extend it as an agreement between the parent and themselves.
As well, if this woman by choice gave her son to a family that adopted him, then an agency was involved and this agency should have all of the records with follow-up and would be the first place she should go. Considering his age, I think she should have no problems at all.
If it wasn't done legally, then it wasn't adoption. If it was just her giving him over to them, then it wasn't legal adoption and finding him is another issue and she has every right in the world to take him. Since he is 18 pretty soon, he is going to have a say.
It seems very very strange to me that an adopting family would do something like change names, hide, move away for the reason of not wanting her to see him, etc... Those are the acts of fighting parents, grandparents or relatives, not adopting families. Any family legally adopting would be checked out well and those traits most likely would not slip by or even be warranted. This vain of thinking doesn't make sense without more to the story that isn't being told.
SS | |
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:06:13 AM | I went to Dr.Phil.com as he had a free lost loved one site. I found my older son who was taken by his dad 18 yrs ago.
He did the same. He took my baby when I wanted to end it with his non-working bum a$$. The state of Texas did nothing for me and nothing for my child. I found out my child was beat by him. That idiot dropped of the face of the planet with my boy.
I am elated, but if I see "El Diablo" again I'm going to brain the poor SOB! | |
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:02:34 AM |
I think he'd be happy to reunite with his Mom. I think it should be his decision, not hers... she made her choice years ago when she gave him away to strangers to be raised.
Do you have any idea what that does to a pre-adolescent child? At a time in his life when he is most vulnerable, the person that was suppose to guide him and prove he is worthy of love gave him away. Regardless of the circumstances, she had a choice... no one is left without one.
Having said that, there are agencies that will take the information of adopted children and birth parents and contact them when a match is found. Tell her to list with those... but to actively search for him when he isn't searching for her is a violation of his right to live a normal life... if he is able to... quite often the scars that abandoned children have are irreparable throughout life. The birth mother has no right to actively interfer. | |
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:54:00 AM | I think he'd be happy to reunite with his Mom. Perhaps. But it is selfish to force the situation on him. He is more than capable of looking for/finding her if he wants to. If he would be happy to reunite with his bio mother than he will find her. Plus, I think we can all agree that his "Mom" is already in his life... no need for reunification. Isn't that what adoption is all about?
He was given up at the age of ten and adopted by another family. Someone above compared it to growing up in foster homes and "orphanages." That is not the case here. He was welcomed into another family as one of their own, and there is no reason to assume that they were anything but loving. For this to happen at the age of ten is traumatic, regardless of the circumstances.
His biological mother chose to give him away. I'm sure she would like to explain the circumstances to her son. I'm sure I would feel the same way. But it's a selfish approach. Her son (hopefully) bonded with his adopted family. He had to do that by himself, without the mother who raised him for ten years. That is a horrible thing for a kid to go through, no matter what. Eight years is not that long. The teen years are rough for almost any kid, let alone a kid in this situation. I wish his biological mother would allow him some peace. He deserves it. He can reach out to her if and when she chooses. He shouldn't be forced to deal with hearing from the woman who gave him away. He should be permitted to reach out to her on his own terms.
Deciding to selfishly thrust herself back into his life in any way (even just contacting him) is selfish. That one phone call or letter could easily turn his entire world upside down once again. Isn't it enough that she did that to him at 10 years old? Even if she didn't have a choice 8 years ago, she has one now.
Whatever resulted in him being given away by his mother likely did not happen out of the blue. Other than the mother's total debilitating illness (pysical or psychiatric) with no family or friends or supports, there is no reason I can think of that would be "beyond mother's control." But even then, things could not have been going well for the ten year old before he was given away. Presumably, the main reason for giving him away was to give him a better life and allow him to be raised in a way that his bio mother was not providing.
Losing a parent (that is still alive but has chosen - for whatever reason - to give you to strangers) is a horrible thing for a 10 yr old to adjust to. That adjustment takes a long time... hunting him down 8 years later, right after his 18th birthday, basically says, "Well, I couldn't/wouldn't take care of you, but now that you're responsible for yourself (and nothing can be put on me) I'd like to explain myself." I'm not suggesting that is bio mom's intention, but functionally that is what is going on.
Please encourage her to use services that match individuals who are searching for EACH OTHER. Please encourage your friend not to take take the power away from her son. She evidently had no choice but to force a terrible transition onto her son once, eight years ago. Doing it twice would be cruel.
I can't help repeating what I posted earlier... he is not a missing person. The mindset that he is "missing" indicates that the bio mother somehow feels that he needs or wants to be "found." Those are her feelings, not necessarily his. | |
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:00:46 AM |
I think he'd be happy to reunite with his Mom.
What makes you think that?
Do you know the person?
Have you any idea of what he thinks?
What would you think if I sent you an e-mail and stated "I think you'd be happy to go out with me."?
You would probably think I'm nuts assuming such a thing.
Frankie | |
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:16:43 AM | Contact the people who adopted him - and talk to the adoption agency. They are the best ones to know how he would be affected by contact from his mom.
Otherwise, mom should be patient until her boy has the mindset to contact her.
My father was taken away from his father by his aunt because mom died in childbirth. He believed (because he was told) that his father didn't want him, until many years later (too late) a family friend told him that it wasn't true. His spinster aunt wanted him for her own. Sometimes, the choices we (or others) make in life aren't the best, but sometimes we just have to live with them and let circumstances (and other people's choices) take their course. | |
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| Hoping to find someone who has been through this
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:56:37 AM | A mother with a 10 year old child had to give up her child because of "circumstances beyond her control?" Was she incarcerated for a crime she didn't commit? Was she in a coma?
Why didn't she pursue contact with him?
Just playing Devil's advocate for you. Great luck to your friend. | |
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