| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:04:19 AM | At my job, I work with all boys. I happen to be the only girl in the entire area, which has its ups and its downs...its unfortunate, because there isnt any girls I can confine more personal things to while at work and we spend on average 60 hrs a week there....but it also quite nice because it allots me a ton of attention from the boys :) I am never bored as the guys are always messing with me in some way or another....
And this is going to be long, sorry! But I want some helpful advice, and the more you guys know of the situation, the easier it will be for me to ask my question and expect a helpful answer back!
But onto what I am wanted to talk about, there are three boys in parituclar that I have to spend 99% of the work time with. One has a girlfriend and is a nice friend to me - there is no interest on either of our parts here. A second is married and most of our 'relatioship' is us cooing over his newborns baby picuters, another friend where there is no interest on either of our parts. The third guy....he confuses me, a lot. Allow me to give some backround on he and I real quick for better understanding:
We started working together 3 months ago, and from first sight I was attracted to him. He's very handsome, very funny, as well as an intellectual conversationalist. Many attributes that are strongly attractive to me. At first, we would talk about his girlfried (yes, he has one). It was bothering him at the time, he was telling me how he was considering breaking up with her, theyd been together around 9 months. There were no problems necessarily with either of them, he would tell me how he thought she was a great girl, he just didnt think he wanted to be with her anymore, that he thought he just needed to be single for a while. Which was awesome, I totally understood where he was coming from especially after I had broken up with my ex 3 months previous to this conversation. He was asking for my advice, and a wholeheartidly gave it to him as honestly as I could for his and her best interest. I felt so bad for his girlfriend, especially when some of the things he was saying concerning their relationship were the same things or very close to hurtful things my ex had said to me. And even though I wanted nothing more than to tell him to just leave her in the dust so that perhaps he and I could try things out, I tried helping him fix things, I tried to be a good friend :)
Well as it turned out, I suppose he got out of that funk because they are still together. I am still single, but I find myself becoming increasingly interested in him. I am not flirting with him in any way, and honstly trying very hard to stay sheltered when around him so that I do not send him any signals to say I'm interested in him because, as I said, he is still with his girlfriend. So this may not seem like much yet, but now lets get to the juicy part....
This guy, I feel, is sending me some major mixed messages. He messes with me everyday in ways that I feel are soooooooo flirting! Such as, he tugs my pony tail, pats me on the head as he walks by ( Im 5'5, he is 6'6!), sprays me with squirt bottles, trys to pop out of things and scare me, pokes me in sides....lots of little things that look and feel like flirting to me. Majorly. Even the other two guys at work have inquired if we were hooking up because of how attentive he is to me, including coming into my work area often through the day, sometimes every few minutes. At first I thought I was being silly, thinking he was flirting with me, you know, as if I were looking for it since I have a little crush on him....but now Im not sure. The way I think about it, if I were his girlfriend and saw him acting like this to another girl, I would be sooooo upset and jealous! But I'm just very confused, I am not the type to get involved with a guy who is already involved with someone else, and as I mentioned, Im trying very hard to make sure Im not flirting or coming off as flirtacious to him....but still daily he continues. Another thing, everyday he and the boys eat lunch together while I usually sit alone because I like to be on my phone at break and I dont sit with other people so as to not disturb them with my conversations.....but every once in a while he flat out skips the boys table and comes to sit with me. Usually we talk about funny happenings, politics, or work in general - nothing about personal lives or interests. But still....even the other boys have noticed his attentions towards me...
He is a sweet guy and everything....but Im not sure what to do at this point? Am I being a silly girl looking for his 'flirting' or do you boys feel his attentions are flirting? I just cant tell anymore, and honeslty getting frustraited with the going-ons....
Any helpful advice would be greatly appreciated! thank you! | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:13:31 AM | | Short answer: workplace romances are a mine field. If you must pursue one, tread carefully and don't be surprised if there's an explosion or two along the way. | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:14:18 AM | First of all I am so happy to see someone your age who can spell, punctuate, and form paragraphs. You are an excellent catch.
If you had written this story with all the pronouns being generic I would have assumed you are a man because men often make the stupid mistake of being a friend to someone they are attracted to; hoping it will someday grow into something else. The woman in this situation may or may not realize it and never capitulates or they turn into a hell **** and realize they have control and start messing with the guy for some cheap ego boost.
Your story sounds like the above only with the genders reversed.
Do I have to even bring up the usual caveats about dating someone at work? Move on.
Do I have to even bring up the fact that he still has a girlfriend? Do I have to bring up the conventional wisdom about a rebound relationship?
You are a great girl. I don't get interested much by 20 year old women anymore but I sure as heck would write you if I lived close. There must be dozens upon dozens of good men you can find in your area. | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:17:11 AM | The biggest problem you have interpreting any of the behavior you will see where you work, is established by your first sentence. I only glanced at the rest, because that says it all.
Since you are the ONLY female available, you will get ALL of the heterosexual male attention. This means that the kind of behavior you describe , though it is 'flirty,' is SPECIFICALLY unreliable. By that I mean that it only really means that the guy has correctly identified you as female.
As for his LEVEL of interest, you'll have to wait for more definite signs, such as asking about your dating status, or actually asking you out. You can, of course, take such action yourself. You can ask HIM what his dating status is, or ask him out, or send the conversation in the direction of relationships in general. I'm getting lost at this point, so I'm going to hope Landra steps in with better suggestions for what you can do. She's pretty darn sharp. | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:23:22 AM | OP, have you considered that his "flirting" might just be his way to make you feel more included at work? After all, you are the only woman in an all-male workplace. Maybe he considered it and thought he should do something nice.
As for the relationship side of things, I tuned out once I read he has a girlfriend. Game over, and the teams are leaving the field. I suggest for the sake of your emotions over the long run AS WELL AS YOUR CAREER (yeah, women get sexual harassment disciplinary actions handed against them all of the time) that you "fall out of love" with this guy. | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:30:15 AM | | Ok, talking u about his woes of relationship problems is a way of opening his own door for u to view in. Get it? And u walked in by offering the old friendly advice...lol. Door now open and what happen? Wow, he starts coming around and flirting and things. Obviously wants some side dish with his girlfriend...AM I BEING HEARD YET? Ok, phew...u could write a book, lol. Anyway If u are serious about not wanting to get hurt and hurting his girlfriend then listen. If u are initiating eye contact with him, STOP. in fact try to avoid those occasions. You simply need to open ur mouth and utter to him, HEY, AS LONG AS UR WITH HER, PLEASE STOP COMING AROUND ME EVERY DANG MIN. ONLY IF ITS BUSINESS RELATED. GO SIT WITH UR BUDS CUZ EVERYONE IN THE WORKPLACE IS THINKING IM MESSING AROUND WITH YOU. By all means do be poite, but same time very very assertive so as no misunderstandings will occur and behavior is stopped. PPHHHHEEEWWWWWWWWWW! | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:43:19 AM | Thank you guys, for all of the posts. Most of you have reitterated things I myself have contemplaited much on.
I know with me being the only girl, that perhaps that is why he is this way with me, but in the same breath, it often feels sooooo different coming from him. Such as, he does it more, and in different ways.
But Yes, I see what everyone says and thank you very much for your honest answers! I think perhaps I just needed a moment to get the chance to hear what I have been thinking coming from other people as well. My main concern is that I think is it disasterous to date people you work with, especially in my case where if he woudl leave his girlfriend and later he and I hooked up...if things turned sour....I work 10 feet from him 5-6 days a week! I know that I could be a professional and move on without interferring with him after that, but you never know about the other person!
And in this time, I havent persued a relationship with him, nor will I especially while he is not avaliable. But now the question is.....how should I be with him? Of course myself, but what I am meaning, should I be sending him back to his area? Avoid him some? I most certaintly do not want to come off as rude, but at the same time, his attentions upset me in many ways in how it feels a tease for him to be in front of me, poking me and making me laugh all the time....I do enjoy the attentions, but at the same time it saddens me and so I think I do want to avoid it, or perhaps for them to calm down some...suggestions? | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:53:46 AM | how should I be with him?
Just be his friend and co-worker. Keep things the way they are. If there is "innocent flirting" make sure it never gets to be more than that. And on the relationship front, move on and find another guy if that is what you are actively looking for. Once you both are in relationships, I think this whole phase will work itself out. | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:06:58 AM |
I do enjoy the attentions, but at the same time it saddens me and so I think I do want to avoid it, or perhaps for them to calm down some...suggestions?
This guy has a girlfriend, he is a"bad boy" now for flirting with you . Like 4gotnsoul says, he just want a piece then he will go back to his gf. Just work in a non -sexual harrassment atmosphere and tell the guy to respect you and HIS girlfriend.
Or...... keep messing with him and me known as the office .....
Is aa nice guy one flirts with you and has a girlfriend? He would do the same to someone else if he was your boyfriend. Still, in the end a part of you ignores this and likes this "bad boy" even though it saddens you. | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:44:15 AM | My suggestion would be to find a private place to have a chat. Perhaps he sees you as a little sister in which case what you see as flirting is just his being very friendly and wanting to try to cheer you up. The question of whether or not he wants a romantic relationship with you is a valid one that only he can answer and is something to bring up as you do have a relationship with him and have to see how does he see it.
Workplace romances can be tricky but how sure are you that that is the case here and not that you remind him of his sister or you are the sister he always wished he had?
Just another perspective to consider, that's all I'm saying. | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:08:21 AM | | that is a great point as well. Perhaps Im being a silly girl....looking for love, and therefor seeing 'opportunities' for it in perhaps places I wouldnt before. I know better than to persue him though, so hopefully things will work out peacefully. Perhaps if I start sharing with the boys at work about my personal life, or asking them for boy advice for potential dates which could help them look at me as unaviable or as a little sister or perhaps just a good friend of the opposite sex. | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:14:20 AM | Perhaps Im being a silly girl....looking for love, and therefor seeing 'opportunities' for it in perhaps places I wouldnt before.
You're not being a silly girl. Staying open to possibilities we may not normally consider is a good thing. Using discernment is a very good thing. Good luck. | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 11:49:19 AM |
his girlfried (yes, he has one)
they are still together.
he is still with his girlfriend. nothing else matters except this.
He's making a fool out of you-- don't be flattered. He's got a girlfriend yet is giving your all-male co-workers the impression that you're hooking up ("even the other boys have noticed his attentions towards me")-- he's making you the target of their speculation and gossip: Is he doing you yet?? Very disrespectful and damaging to your professional reputation.
Tell him to back off and cool off . And stop being flattered by his irreverence. | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 3:03:19 PM | | Please read and take some of my advice. I honestly think I'm on the right track. Sometimes people view being rude and just downright upfront in what u want the guys behavior to be when around u as the same, but they are not. In dealing with a guy like this, it's of most importance that ur actions and word coincide, and are 100% consistant at all times. It's kinda like teaching puppies and children certain things. Consistency in ur words and actions present the best ways for them to learn. | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 4:24:22 PM | It is easier to tease a taken person because, since they're taken, there's not much potential for negative sexual tension. At least there shouldn't be if the person is committed to their relationship. When they are not, the matter becomes complicated quickly.
Whatever he decides to do, it would be best if you took things slowly should he decide to break up with his girlfriend. Otherwise, you might be the rebound relationship. Things could take off in a steamy passionate manner, then disappear just as quickly (leaving you suddenly very uncomfortable at work). IMHO, people need time to adjust to being single before hopping into a new relationship.
What to do? Keep searching. Don't allow things between you and him to advance beyond the workplace unless he either becomes single and emotionally stable, or his girlfriend is included in the plans. | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:46:45 PM | Is he a gregarious character.. silly with the boys too. Being the only girl there probably made it easier to confide in you and get a female's perspective, creating a bond and making him more comfortable with you, so what you interpret as flirting might only be playfulness. However you are both in the workplace and NOT a couple, he needs to maintain a level of decorum for both of you to avoid being gossiped about.
HE might like the attention it garners from the boys, and it's a boost for his ego..and your crush is clouding your judgement. | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:46:34 PM | | "boys" and "girls" should be having fun playing!! So, go have fun, but do not get into another couple's relationship unless you are prepared for your fingers to get burnt. | |
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| Would you call this flirting? Is he interested?
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:05:14 PM | Heather,
Although it is probably a very difficult decision for you to make, it is quite easy if you look at it from an outside perspective. First of all, he has a girlfriend. Regardless of all the negative things he has said about his relationship, that is not a territory you want to step foot in. Besides, even if they broke up and you began to date him, would you want him to complain to everyone about your relationship? He doesn't seem like the guy who can be in a relationship right now anyway.
The work place romance is definitely a danger zone. If you ever dated any one you have to work so closely with and things did not work out, it would be the most awkward situation on a day to day basis. Work relationships and personal relationships shouldn't mix...it doesn't work. Trust me, I've tried it.
I think that maybe you should just talk to him and let him know that while the attention he his giving you is flattering, you would appreciate it if he just keeps everything professional at work. Tell him that you enjoy chatting and that he is a great friend, but you don't want people within the work place to begin to start rumors about the two of you dating. That has worked for me in the past. Do this over a coffee or lunch, and pay for yourself so that it doesn't seem like any type of "date."
Keeping things professional in the work place is the best way to go. You can also back off yourself in that most men can tell when someone is attracted to them or flirting with them. You may not even think you are doing that, but subconsciously when he walks by, you probably are.
Anyway, hope this helps. Best of luck!
~Jennifer | |
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