| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 5:48:30 PM | Another day my co-worker brought up the subject... Let's say you meet Jon/Jane. You indicate that you are looking for serious relationship and another party indicates that they are looking for the same....
He/she is a successful professional, not into any games with no red flags. By not them offering to be an exclusive after 3 dates or try to meet mama on the 4th date you do not see anything wrong and indeed it is totally normal in your book.
All good. No red flags.
If you had some negative experiences in the past and in the position that you look for serious relationship and failed to landa great person (as we know it is not alwayd easy) how do you know that they just not keeping you for light casual dating?
How to avoid a type of pain by finally (after long looking or being just opened and going with a flow) to meet that great person who may ******** take a shot, decide to keep it very casual (when you still believe they are persuing but not rushing). ONLY to learn that they made up your mind looong time ago....
SUMMARY: You know that you look for serious relationship. It has been quite long time. You met Jon/Jane and they want the same stuff as you. They do not have red flags and not rushing into marrige (good with you). But they make up somewhere a mind that you are not the one but not indicate it (words or actions) and keep dating you (and you think there is a potential and after a while fall in love with that person) | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 5:51:49 PM | I've got no idea, Tom. If you figure it out, let me know..
All I do know is there are no guarantees. Sometimes, you just gotta take that chance.. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:10:02 PM | | Exactly. No one can guarantee you'll end up with happily ever after. Loving and giving our heart is a risk we all take. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:13:53 PM | | I myself base it all on how much i want to be with them and they with me...but I'm one of those "instant attraction" types...and its worked pretty well for me...I'm just not attracted to anyone or everyone. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:17:35 PM | I'm not so sure we can prevent or avoid this type of hurt, ever. We take chances, we gamble on love, life, relationships. I found my partner for life, perfect lover, my happily ever after. If I knew how much it would hurt when he died, I may not have taken the chance. Looking back, I wouldn't trade one minute I had with him. I hope I can find love of that magnitude again. The quote below, has been instrumental for me in transitioning back to the real world. It's how I've chosen to live my life. I'd rather have taken the risk and failed than to have never tried at all.
Ah, life is a gate, a way, a path to Paradise anyway, why not live for fun and joy and love...
Jack Kerouac | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:22:31 PM | If I read you right, I think you're asking how to fall in love without being vulnerable to being hurt by the other person not feeling the same way towards you?? I don't think you can but I do think it's possible to keep your usual coping resources available. If you have been through heartache before and learned to be able to love again, you need to fall back on the resources you used previously to be able to wish the person you love well and start over.
I think it starts with recognizing that if you genuinely love someone, you want them to be happy. If that's not with you, it's disappointing but it's manageable BECAUSE you love them. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:30:27 PM | You assume that you are the one who still wants serious and the other person doesn't. What's to prevent you from being the one who doesn't want serious?
And I"m serious (ha ha) about this. I met a guy over a year ago and he said to me on week 2 that he didn't want to get serious about anyone at that time in his life. I said "dude, I just met you, I don't know if I even like you yet. why do you have to decide upfront?". So I told him I wanted to just let it play out fora month or 2 and then we could have "the talk" then.
And we did... In fact, we communicated our feelings all the way thru...to ab out month 7 where I said I had some pretty strong feelings for him and at that point I needed more than just casual. More than friday nights. He said he really couldn't give me more. (which I already knew). I said well I needed to start dating someone new then, once that person came along - someone who might wnat to share more of his time. He said he understood.
Yes I still felt the pain. And quite frankly I still love him and am waiting for him to wake up and realize my awesomeness. LOL
The funny part of it all is that I didn't understand his psyche at all when I met him. Now I do. See, he married his last 2 "serious relationships". He is either totally casual or totally 100% body and soul committed. There is no in between.
I don't regret our time together at all. And I'm glad I stuck around, with us communicating where we were the whole time. I could have left after 2 months when he didn't want to be exclusive. But I decided I'd continue to see him, on his terms (and found I enjoyed not being exclusive with him, so don't think i was taken advantage of - I wasn't).
In other words... COMMUNICATE. It's that simple. An di fyou are with someone who won't or cant communicate on his/her own (like my current bf) then if you feel like you might want more than casual, you're gonna have to lay it on the line and force hte issue - force the person to make a decision. Or, like I did, lay it on the line and say you aren't happy and want to think about dating others - being nonexclusive - and not letting things head into a serious area. (in other words, YOU have to step up and hold the reins of where things are going and tell him/her what you want and let him/her stay or go) | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:30:44 PM | I figure that unless you subject someone to a thorough psych exam plus a couple hours' lie detector test, you haven't a hope of figuring anything out about them.
You either realize them's the breaks, forge on, and get your heart stomped a few times (or maybe not) or you hide out at home and pass on all opportunities. Only you can decide if you can handle the stress/uncertainty/etc. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:36:29 PM | If you look to prevent hurt,,,,,,,,,your heart is closed,,,and it won't go anywhere.
Falling in love is taking a chance.
Always.
It's okay to take one's time. No problem at all,,,,,,,as long as both are still going in the same direction.
But without risk,,,,,,you won't get the reward.
Learned THAT one the hard way. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:41:55 PM | I say....come out of the gate and find out quick...or...when you know ..as soon as you know....make it clear so the other person can cut and run if they dont feel the same way,
If their not saying it...their not feeling it... | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:42:19 PM | | ~OP, I have not figured out that one yet, but I agree with other posters above, that it's all about taking risks in life and having those coping mechanisms in place, just in case... One thing, I know for sure, I don't allow myself to completely get lost in a new relationship, so maybe that's my way of 'playing along'. I just can't take anything too seriously, too soon, even if there is sex involved. But that's just me. It's not that I am cold emotionally, but I have learned that no matter how good things look at the beginning, I don't fall for it, until I eat with them a bag of bread and one kilogram of salt, in other words, I have gone through them through purgatory and hell, and if I am back and alive still with them, then we have a chance. There is not shortcuts. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 6:51:34 PM | I don't understand the question
ok how about this scenario - guy chases you for over 2 years - you finally marry him & move in to his house ..
few years later you notice he's not working, ignoring you & treating you like dog shit - then he starts dating your daughter
When you move out, he moves your daughter & her children in
what's the answer?
Cause man, if you have a clue - tell me | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 7:08:45 PM | | MT there is no way to tell unless you are clairvoyant or something. Nobody can really know someones motives, that's why when you meet people it's a risk regardless, you to put yourself out there and hopefully someone will be receptive to you. So there is no prevention, just hope they are into you. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:04:22 PM | After dating someone for a time, I'd discuss our potential future together. It wouldn't go on forever. I'd know if some were keeping it casual or pursuing fairly quickly.
Weed out the no-hopers by not engaging in sex until it's discussed and agreed that the relationship is exclusive, monogamous and committed. People (men) make their intentions very clear when they're not getting sexual favors as a part of casual dating. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:11:42 PM | Ya know.. I'm a smarter-than-average-certainly-than-the-masses guy.
I just couldnt follow your theoretical. I read it several times.
IF you are asking if it is "right" to continue dating someone who you ARENT that into.. I say.. it's WRONG
Try rewriting your posting and making it more first person. We wont think it's about YOU.. but will be able to give you an accurate answer..
Before I see that.. I vote you dump the chick.. and find someone new. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:31:24 PM | | Communication, really. Make sure you're on the same page, stress that you want to know where you stand with them. And then, accept that you can't ever really know what someone else is thinking and feeling, that there's emotional risk involved in opening yourself up to someone else on an intimate level, and that it's a risk you're willing to take for the experience of being intimate with this person, even if it ends and that ending hurts. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 8:48:32 PM | | I'm suppose to know by the 4th date if someone is serious about me or not? KooKoo Really, I'd say if after a year we are still casual and it's not going further, that I would then evaluate how I felt but early on, who the hell really knows if they want you for long term or not. Why would I get hurt, I like them, they don't like me the same way, oh shoot and move on or keep dating casually because what in the world is wrong with casually dating someone you like??? | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 9:16:28 PM | I think what the OP is asking is...is it fair to continue dating someone after you have decided that they are definately not "THE ONE" without telling them about your decision?
My answer is, no, it is not fair or right. If you have firmly decided that someone is definitely not what you are looking for you need to tell them staight up. If, with that knowledge, they are still willing or wanting to date that is their decision. At that point, if they get hurt it is because they did not accept the reality of the situation.
To continue dating them without telling them would be leading them on. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:34:50 PM | One person gets very serious and the other doesn't-? This happens quite a lot, doesn't it? To my mind, before you even date that person, you should know whether they are the type of person who chooses to sustain a relationship that they don't see as long term. If they are the kind of person who would do this, then they are not really a person who wants the same kind of thing as you: they have different values/priorities. Someone who wants long-term with "the one" is completely stupid if they choose to tie themselves up, however temporarily, with someone whom they do not consider to have that potential.
If you want to know how you can avoid the Jon/Jane who knows fine well that they don't want the same thing as you but intentionally pretends that they do in order to play you, the best way is to avoid broadcasting the message of what you want to be going on. A person is harder to play if their dreams cannot be easily identified. Having said that, anyone can be deceived, and those who think they can't are more vulnerable than those who realise they can. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 10/31/2009 10:57:27 PM |
If you had some negative experiences in the past and in the position that you look for serious relationship and failed to landa great person (as we know it is not alwayd easy) how do you know that they just not keeping you for light casual dating?
The problem lies within you. You have no business pretending you are going to be ina long term relationship when you are going to let your past sabotage the present and future, and trust in others, Get rid of the insecurities and place a little faith in someone or it can be argued that you are the problem, not the other person.
In the meantime, to remedy this kind of situation I am in the midst of inventing a bullshit detector. I just need to figure out how to make it pocket size | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:19:43 AM | *** Let me be more specific what the discussion was about. You meet the person who wants the same things as you ( e.g. marrige, or living common law or marrige with kids).
You date each other with no major flags at all. You do not rush into marrige or move-in together. Asking will there be future for us after only few weeks or month may be way to early because another party simple doesn't know it yet.
However **** it is common that after 1-2- months of dating Jan/Joe will decide that ou are not the one but still will continue to see you, spend time with, call and etc.
You still believe that things are moving forward and he/she already knows that they do not see anything further than dating. But of course not telling it to you because they always enjoyed your company and had great time. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:31:45 AM | | Even if you manage to achieve your goal of avoiding pain, you won't have anything you could not have got just by not dating in the first place. The idea of a game is to win, which takes playing. If the idea was to avoid losing, then don't play and you won't lose. You have a wrong reason for dating. You have a right reason for not dating at all. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:38:49 AM |
However **** it is common that after 1-2- months of dating Jan/Joe will decide that ou are not the one but still will continue to see you, spend time with, call and etc.
You still believe that things are moving forward and he/she already knows that they do not see anything further than dating. But of course not telling it to you because they always enjoyed your company and had great time
All you can do is look for signs. Someone who is not entirely involved with a relationship usually gives enough signals. | |
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| How to prevent THIS type of hurt?
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:41:44 AM | The ONLY way to 'avoid' Any kind of hurt is to be comatose. Even then, I'm sure a person in a coma comes to some harm .. perhaps just not the romantic sort.
There are No guarantees.. There Are chances but only as many as you give yourself. And - even when the other person is Honest and feels the same as you 'in the beginning' - there is no guarantee 'something' won't change .. people do grow and it's very rare to find someone on the same path, for ever and ever anyway..
Live, Love, Laugh, Cry, Live, Love Laugh  | |
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