| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:27:12 AM | I have a friend who I really care about. I'm friends with both her and her husband. They have been married for over twenty years. About fifteen years ago her husband cheated on her with another friend of ours ONCE. Years have passed, and the woman he cheated with (who was going through a divorce at the time) is now married. My problem is this.
The cheating husband continues to philander. I don't know what he does outside my personal circle, but he continually tries to lure the woman he cheated with before into infidelity (through texts and emails); he's tried to seduce me, once in person (two years ago) and then by text much more recently (I told him to fvck off both times); and I know of a third "friend" who SAYS she recently slept with him, just two months ago. I have no idea what he does with women I don't know, but he's wealthy and good looking, spends a lot of time "golfing," and runs with other affluent married men who have no trouble finding mistresses. But all that aside, I KNOW he cheats with friends of his wife, or at least regularly tries to.
My friend (his wife) recently told me about a phone call she received from an angry husband, claiming that his wife slept with her husband (under circumstances similar to those involving my friend that he slept with 15 years ago). She claimed not to believe it....but the story seemed very plausible to me. The problem I have is that the woman who slept with this man fifteen years ago (whom he continues to torment) is my BEST friend.....my CLOSEST friend, from way back, since we were fifteen (she rejects him, but they flirt when around each other and she doesn't TELL him to leave her alone). And I'm one of the only two people who "know" about her sleeping with him (the only other person who knows has also slept with the guy).
I don't know what to do. I tell myself that I SHOULD do NOTHING, and yet--he keeps doing these things and I HATE it. The series of text messages he recently sent me (asking for sex or at least phone sex) were lurid and completely inappropriate--and while I told him to fvck off he shows NO shame at all (I've seen them both since--and he does the brushing against and "oops" and suggestive comments thing). It's like he BELIEVES that he's got complete impunity, and he's right because NOBODY ever TELLS her. Meanwhile, he's a deacon in his church and just as "pious" as he can be. He's very well off and I think that it's unlikely that his wife really would actually divorce him for that reason (and the fact that they have fun together and are of a certain age and she LOVES him truly)....but I don't know and I feel like she should KNOW that she's being betrayed.
What do I do?? I love this woman (and one of the other women involved here) and fear being the messenger who just ends up the bad guy...to ALL of them. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:44:30 AM | You've kept the secret about your best friend for fifteen years. I think it is a little late to let that cat out of the bag. Especially since, you don't seem to feel this wife will leave her husband.
Reading your post, I am struck that you are more upset with the husband's attitude than the fact that he is actually cheating on the wife. A question for you....why don't you show the wife the texts he sent you??
It sounds to me like, even if you told her about these other women, chances are she wouldn't believe you. Because, he'll make up some story which she will buy. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:44:35 AM | Well... you're pretty much fvcked in this whole scenario. You are far too embroiled in the situation to tell her, you've known about it for years so now it will seem like some silly vendetta that you are trying to get even with him for...
The time for full disclosure would have been within a much shorter time frame of it happening. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:50:20 AM | You very well may end up being the bad guy but this isn't about you. A friend of yours is being cheated on by her husband. She's in danger of catching any number of diseases not to mention she's being humiliated in front of her friends.
He treats you this way and you still call him a friend?
You know all this and still haven't told your friend?
I would tell a close friend exactly what's going on. I would also make it clear my part in this drama was done.
I can't imagine a friend of mine knowing this was going on and not telling me. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:51:25 AM | | I have no doubt that your friend knows that he is sleeping around to some degree even if she doesn't know the details. I would say at best she is ignoring it and just pretending everything is fine or just ignoring small clues. I think if you told her she would probably try to ignore what you are saying with excuses in her own mind. I suppose if you wanted to you could be subtle about it like telling her he has been messaging you and not go into too many details and see how she responds and go from there. I think if you did do that i suspect she won't really acknowledge it too much because she would already suspect it and it might threaten her with been forced to acknowledge it. You know your friend best and i might be off the mark but i do suspect that she just ignores it to some level. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:58:05 AM | I should clarify. At the time that my friend slept with the husband I wasn't close to either the guy or his wife. That was in 1994, and I was far away in grad school in NY (they are all in TX) at the time, so I heard about it by phone, disapproved, but didn't know the people. I then moved to England, and only moved back to the US in 2005. It's since I've been back that I've become close friends with the married couple in question. I KNEW about it (because of my friendship with the woman he slept with) but I didn't know the wife. The other episodes that have really got me concerned have all been within the last couple of years, and I've only KNOWN of his actually sleeping with someone ELSE in the last two months. The flirtations and text messages have all been relatively recent. Despite the fact that he came onto me two years ago, I was only really PISSED about this (as recent activity) to the extent of feeling as guilty (as I do) about not saying anything when I found out he had slept with our other friend (in late September/early October). There is a lot of difference between telling someone that their husband hit on you and telling her that he slept with someone.
Fifteen years ago, I was able to reconcile what my friend did with him by the fact that she was going through an ugly divorce, although obviously it was a problem. But I had no reason to think that his behavior in taking advantage of her was habitual, NOR did I have reason to be really concerned about anyone other than my best friend, who had done this in the context of a really ugly divorce..
Unfortunately, the texts he sent me are all deleted. I'm sure that if it came down to it I could get phone records, although they would only prove he texted me (not what they said--is it possible to get the texts back?).
BTW, the attitude IS an issue to me, but I'm more just sad as hell for my friend. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 3:58:21 AM | Seems to me you have 3 choices
Say nothing and nobody gets hurt as a result of you saying something - but you have to deal with the fact that you know something and didn't say anything for a very long time;
Say something and lots of people get hurt and you have to deal with the guilt of saying something and people getting hurt;
Find a tall building, throw yourself off and not have to deal with any guilt about the situation anymore - and the guilt of prolonging this thread any further.... | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:44:27 AM | If you're going to do anything, mail her a letter.
Telling her this face to face will only misdirect any rage she has back on you. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 4:56:27 AM | Your very best friend could end this in a number of ways herself but she hasn't.
She is an adult who KNOWS how to tell someone to stop. She wants it to continue. Leave that alone.
As for your text messages-YOUR an adult-you know how to tell someone to stop. Please. Grow some. Who cares if he is hot, rich and just awesome. Big deal. You didn't lose your willpower or respect for yourself did you?
The next time he text you, text him back. Tell him the next text gets forwarded to his wife. DO IT. Send her a text and say "Hey, did you tell hubby to text flirt with me?" all innocently. She will be like, "What"? and he wont do that anymore once she confronts him.
Next time he rubs up on you when his wife is in the next room, go to her and WARN her that the next time hubby does something you will tell her personally. . Then tell him you told her that. Tell her that you told him that you told her. 
Dont bring up past stuff, only bring up what happens NOW.
Exclude yourself. What he does with other woman are his business, and his wifes. She knows. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:19:49 AM | Your friend that is married and had the fling with him 15 years ago invites the behavior on herself because she flirts with him and doesn't tell him stop it or I'm telling your wife. You have the ability to do that and to minimize the time you spend around this man. It is not your job to tell your friend because she obviously doesn't want to believe it. He has been cheating on her for 15 years, you don't think deep down she knows?
They are wealthy and she doesn't want to give up what she has in order to have a man that is faithful to her, that is her choice to make. You can in good conscience tell this fuker to leave you alone or you will show his wife the texts he has sent you.
Other than that, you have to let it go and if that means spending less time around these people, only spending time with your best friend when they aren't around, then that is probably what you are going to have to do. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:29:19 AM | Your five years too late past the time you knew about it, telling her know would cause resentment due to knowing and doing nothing for five years. What you may want to do is show her the text message he sent you recently. Since you have never accepted any of his advances this can give her some proof of what he may be doing, that is this confirmation may lead her to believing the phone call from the upset husband that he did his wife.
If she decided to do anything, she has access to financial resorces to hire an investigator to confirm her beliefts, prior to seeking any legal proceedures, if that is what she may desire. She has to weigh her options once she accepts his actions are true. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:32:15 AM | | Looks like you dont love your friend at all if you will sit back and watch her be humiliated for 15 years...Chances are he has picked up a nasty std and wants to spread it around to get revenge..that way..all the girlfriends in that circle can be in misery together.... it's called STD by Design....it goes on alot in New York and California...it's more popular with the younger generation... | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:47:10 AM | Look, the way I see it you only have one option. Ignore his propositions and make it very clear to him that you are not interested now or ever in his pursuit of outside-the-marriage pleasure.
As for the woman he is married to and you telling her...don't. She chooses to ignore the signs that are so obvious in front of her face and the fact that she even got a phone call from a husband. Let her live out her fantasy. If you tell now, you are going to be the dirty b!tch and the outcast.
As for your other friend, the one that cheated with him, I'm sure the texts and sexual innuendos are bothering her..not. She loves the attention and in the process, she is trying to play the 'victim' in his advances but does nothing to shut it down. Drama queen.
Sorry but you need to pick better friends. I will say that with the people I call friend, I wouldn't have an issue with telling them about any of this. It's because I keep people close to me that know my level of integrity. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:05:45 AM | As much as I like to see people such as him get their comeuppance, I have to conclude from your story that everyone involved with this mess is doing exactly what they want to. All the women who slept with him, his wife, your best friend, are all involving themselves in this, and telling you, as a way to enjoy themselves further. If this were not so, they would all have taken actions to stop it long ago.
I would agree with those who say that if you really want to get away from this peyton place, you have to take the obvious actions: tell him that there are laws against sexual assault (which includes purposely brushing up against you), that you HAVE ALREADY(and make this the truth) reported his behavior towards you to the Church authorities and his wife. Then you have to look seriously into distancing yourself from all of them as friends, including your 'closest' friend, who is enjoying complaining about this to you. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:06:24 AM | That is none of your business. Most likely, there are red flags that your friend is ignoring because she is playing the long suffering wife and doesn't want to give her husband up.
Worry about what goes on under your own roof. Sometimes, even as a friend, it is better to mind your business unless your friend comes to you with this problem. Think about it, if you tell your friend anything, you will involve yourself in the whole process of divorce, child support, suffering, and such. They could possibly make up or divorce but will look at you as the one who was nosey.
They are grown adults and there is probably more to this than your friend leads you to believe. Until your friend comes to you with something, walk away. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:13:36 AM | | after 15 years the wife probally knows or has chosen not to on some level if you decide to spill the beans now I would bet all that happens is you will end up the bad guy | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:18:21 AM | | Is your friend that clueless? Do you think she will leave him after all these years and part with her comfortable lifestyle? I don't think so......the last time I told one of my best friends about her husband's philandering only ruined our relationship as she sided with him and could not fathom that he had made passes at me.....just speaking from experience...........let her find out on her own.....all the red flags are there....she will see it sooner or later.....leave it alone....... | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:18:31 AM | I think its obvious that you chose to accept this and the freinds who have been playing out the drama, its just now you are feeling more pressure in this action drama.
I agree with the above posts, you may have to find new friend and leave these. You will feel the reprucushions from them as you distance yourself from them, this can be expected, for they would think you may tell on them, jepordizing each ones relationship. So you are in heavy doodoo.
Problem is even with new friends, there is never any way to know how deep they are into a secret life. But at least, what you dont know wont harm you. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:19:58 AM | packagedealx3 (msg 11) They are wealthy and she doesn't want to give up what she has in order to have a man that is faithful to her, that is her choice to make.
That's my take on it too. We all do the things we do because we ultimately want to - there is some sort of "payoff" for what we do. In this case her "payoff" for choosing to remain in the situation she is in might be financial and a certain lifestyle she has grown accustomed to. And as packagedeal suggests, she places that higher as a priority than being with a man who is faithful to her - her choice. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:25:39 AM | okay...here is what I have done in similar circumstances:
The married man hits on me. I tell him I'm not interested in married men and to not approach me again. If I know his wife, I will add that if he does approach me again, I will let her know that he hit on me. And if he does (a repeat occurrence only happened once) I tell her that he hit on me. I do not carry tales about other incidents I know about. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:26:40 AM | My friend (his wife) recently told me about a phone call she received from an angry husband, claiming that his wife slept with her husband (under circumstances similar to those involving my friend that he slept with 15 years ago). She claimed not to believe it....
imo, that was your best and most recent opportunity to spill the beans.
i question your friend's grasp on reality. why would she NOT believe the phone call she received from a stranger about the infidelity? cognitive dissonance?!? she's probably going to shoot the messenger, but i'd tell her anyway. i don't think a proper friend should withhold that kind of information, never mind that you've withheld it already for 15 years. what she does with the information is up to her. | |
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:50:26 AM | Hello Nomadic!...
Wow tough call.
I was in a similar situation. I went to my girlfriend and told her. I thought I was doing the right thing. The tables turned on me. She has become very ANGRY at me and is still with her cheating SO. This waste of oxygen of hers now blatantly goes out and flirts with other women in front of me and my other friends knowing full well that my girlfriend is WAITING for him to go to her place at 1 o'clock in the morning just to have sex with her. She actually beleives he gives a damned about her...
In this particular case, he has her believe that I am the one trying to break them up because I am jealous... That is ludicrous. I am not into dating men close to my father's age and he is 71 years old... ha ha ha!!!
I since have distanced myself and now she is really really angry at me because I do not include her in my circle of friends. She has now become very weird to me. She turned the whole thing around because she believes that I now isolate myself because according to her, I am the one with the problem.
All this to say is that... damned if you do and damned if you don't.
From my life experience, I would distance myself and find other social venues and just stay away. I mean, a cheating husband will always be a cheating husband and I am sure the wife knows or at the very least, her subconscious knows. She stays for her own reasons. (ex: the comfort the money brings, fear of not being to find a man as rich, her age, her looks... etc.)
In my case, I lost a good friend to a moron. A man that is much older than her that treats her like a piece of ass. I KNOW that my friend KNOWS that but she is letting herself being manipulated because she has her own issues to deal with and I have come to the conlcusion that she is simply not ready to face them.
Either way... tough call...
I understand the knawing inside... That I do.
Good luck...
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| A friend's cheating husband
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:00:16 AM | OP, people in this guy's position - with lots of money and influence and a deacon - feel they are above the law or at least that they can stretch the laws to suit them. That is very obvious here.
How do you actually know that his wife does not know anything. Perhaps she has (as is her right in this situation) chosen to turn a blind eye and live the high life. How do you really know?
I believe that if you show integrity in managing your own affairs then you have no obligation to meddle in other people's affairs. I say you are all the wiser to say nothing but to be there if and when the tower crumbles in your friend(s)'s world(s).
Ours is not to judge. | |
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