| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:08:47 AM | I met and started dating a man. We are at the place where I think we'd both like to be intimate. I have horrific insecurities about my body. I knew this man when we were teenagers and I liked him them but he was very popular and I was a geek. Fast forward 30 years he is 47 and I'm 45.... I am 5'9" and slim but not fit yet.
I had a back injury that had me flat on my back for almost a year, then for the past year I drove an 18 wheeler (not much exercise).
I walk 5 miles a day and exercise daily but at 45 seeing results seems to take forever.
My questions are:
Do men really look that closely?
Does it matter that I am working on getting fit?
Do men look at the total package or just the wrapping?
Am I over thinking this?
I really like this man and it feels like he wants to take things to the next level but my insecurities are getting the best of me. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:13:28 AM |
I am 5'9" and slim but not fit yet.
Please explain what you mean when you say slim but not fit. Slim is fit, unless you're trying to go for the athletic look. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:13:48 AM | | As a source of pleasure you will look wonderful exactly as you are. As a source of pain you would look ugly no matter what. Pleasure versus pain determines the extent to which you appear attractive. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:16:58 AM | | Due to my back injury muscle atrophy set in and I am not toned. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:18:01 AM | If all he's looking for is a quick fawk then he may just be looking at the fluff. It doesn't sound like the two of you are in that situation so NO, generally guys are aware at 40+ we aren't tight and svelte anymore either. What turns US on is being with somebody you really care about. When we get intimate we aren't checking for bits of flab, stretch marks. moles. We ARE aware that as you age and become more secure mentally with who you are and develop a bit of self confidence that SEX usually improves. Sometimes a LOT.
This was posted on another thread last night. I'm sure she'd either post this herself or be happy to help reduce or eliminate your misgiving...
I thought I had good sex in my 20's. It wasn't until I hit my 30's that things got even better. I discovered things about myself and my sexuality that I never knew. Sometimes you learn on your own. Sometimes it takes another person to get you to see and feel outside the box (no pun intended)... a good lover will take you exploring and pass no judgment. Shame and embarrassment have no place in the bedroom... or any other place you choose. Learn, teach, and explore.... when you're ready. I've now hit my 40's and man, oh man, I can hardly wait for my 50's... if I find any more spots, I'll explode... I'm saving the U-spot for the nursing home. candid_1
Sounds like she posted that just for you! | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:20:37 AM | | What is said here is not going to change the way you view yourself. This is something you have to work on. Whether you are intimate or not, the self esteem factor and image factor is only going to change when you can accept yourself as you are. Confidence is huge. Good luck. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:10:39 AM | Remember that he is also well past 40, and gravity is starting to take over his body too. He is probably a little self conscious about it as well. The benefit of him being a little older is that his eyesight is also starting to go. Just turn the lights down, or use candles. Wear some sexy underwear, and he will be as happy as a clam. Sexy is as sexy does, and passion and engagement matters more than what bra size you wear.
Yes you are over thinking this. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:19:12 AM | Do men really look that closely? yes
Does it matter that I am working on getting fit? not really, thas's kind of like saying i went on 'who wants to be a millionaire' , and lost
Do men look at the total package or just the wrapping? both
Am I over thinking this? no | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:46:25 AM | Nothing can work out whether you are thin or overweight if you suffer from body image. For him to take you seriously, you have to act like it doesn't bother you and that you have a confidence about you that says "I am that good".
You are overthinking this and also think that you could improve on your outlook by joining your gym and getting your body back to the way it was before you accident. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:53:14 AM |
Due to my back injury muscle atrophy set in and I am not toned.
Try resistance training, and be sure to increase the protein portion of your diet (you can get what you need from veggies, to avoid most of the fat, or fish (sushi, yummmmmm) or chicken. Calcium as well. Lol, like I really know! But, these things work for me, and I have about 15 years on you. Do all your major muscle groups (they all will atrophy with disuse). Pick a weight that brings you to point of exhaustion within 8-13 reps. When 13 reps is reachable consistently, add more weight, and repeat. Do your routine every other day to build/tone. There are lots of methods. Do NOT worry that you will "bulk up" and get that female body-builder look. Women tone differently than men, with this same routine. If you feel that you are bulging too much, cut back to twice a week, and add swimming (kinda lengthens the bulges).
You already do many times more exercise than the vast majority of the population, so you seem committed (the hardest part of an exercise routine is getting out the door). The focus now should be to do the right exercises for the condition/look you want to enhance. It took years to get you into the shape you are now- it will take less to get you where you want to be, but it won't happen in a month, either.
Oh, and once you start, DON'T STOP! | |
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Posted: 11/1/2009 9:33:22 AM | First off, don't pay attention to S to the B.
Secondly, insecurity about your body is not attractive. It will be hard to pretend that you are not insecure about it.
Find a way to overcome it and/or focus on what is good, continue with what you are doing and if it doesn't work out with this guy, there will be others. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:46:24 AM |
Find a way to overcome it and/or focus on what is good, continue with what you are doing and if it doesn't work out with this guy, there will be others.
WTF kind of help is this? this woman cares what she looks like and is willing to work on it and your advice is this?
that's a very defeatist attitude, IMO.
good points, whytwater. i would be willing to elaborate on this if she is serious. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:48:53 AM | Walking is great cardio exercise. I walk about twenty miles a week, but that's just to offset the free and easy eating style I've adapted throughout my life. When I found myself flabby and toneless a few years back, I joined a gym. A few sessions with a personal trainer was really helpful for me. He gave me information and guidance to achieve the results I wanted. One thing that happened, after about six months was I hit a kind of plateau. I wasn't as toned as I wanted, even though I was still putting in the hours at the gym. Back for more advice, I was instructed to switch up my routine, add weights to the machines I was using, and increase reps.
Anyone can make their body better. It takes time, dedication and determination. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:21:57 AM | Just for the record, I started working out and walking for me because I wasn't content with myself and it also helps me with pain management. Until I injured my back I had always been pretty fit and felt very comfortable in my skin. I don't have a negative body image and I don't think I'm fat.
I like this man, and I am nervous and insecure because I can see the muscle deterioration I know what I used to look like 2 years ago. I do realize I may not ever get back to the way I was and I don't want my insecurity to stop me from letting this man get closer.
I have some soul searching to do. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:35:55 AM | OP we get older and things don't stay the same with our bodies. Breasts and butts sag, things wrinkle that you never knew could! Our job is to enjoy our bodies while they are ageing; try focusing on accepting yourself as you are now - you are entitled to enjoy a fulfilling sex life even if your body isn't looking the way you'd like it to be.
As for your potential partner - if he really cares about you then not being toned isn't going to be a big deal to him. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:41:54 AM | you really don't have to search for anything. your goals are in grasp and are not too unrealistic. muscle atrophy happens and many people who i train(when i feel like it) have this problem.
fisrt off, cut out the walking. if losing fat is not an issue for you then this is only a waste of your time. you do not need cardio, and it probably hurts more than it helps.
get in and get out of the gym. no more than 30 mins! this is the threshold of catabolic vs. anabolic. if you wish to gain muscle then you need to take in 1 gram of protein for every lb of bodyweight, daily. if you are 100 lbs then you need 100 grams, 120= 120 grams, etc. as far as the workout itself, i would say do what works for you. for gaining muscle, LIFT HEAVY! maybe you could do mon. - shoulder and chest = 3 sets(6-8 reps as heavy as you can go) benchpress. 3 sets incline benchpress. 3 sets chest flys. 3 sets shoulder press. 3 sets lat rasies. that's one day. then the next day is legs. 3 sets on squats. 3 sets on lunges. 3 sets on leg press. 3 sets on calf raises. 3 sets on quad extension. etc. just mess around with it until you find what works for you.
....and don't listen to people who try to turn this into a self-esteem issue! look at the people who post and what they look like and then decide who you think has self-esteem issues. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:08:04 AM | Breaking it down in kindergartener terms....
Find a way to overcome insecurity. (because being self concious is not attractive)
AND/OR focus on what is good. (surely OP has good qualities she can focus on)
continue with what you are doing (duh, good exercise routine)
and if this guy can't appreciate who you are, then he was not right for you to begin with (afterall you can't force an attraction, right?)
and there will be someone that does appreciate her (dee dee dee)
c'mon, sing along | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:19:11 AM | Well first off HELL YEA TRUCKER!!! WHOOO. LOL I drove for Swift Trucking for the longest time. Killer job, just got tired of being gone all the time.
Anyway. While I have not read the other replies, I will put my own opinions in here for consideration. And remember, these are just my "opinions" here.
1. Do men look that closely? Some do some don't. While all men will say "looks don't matter" myself included, deep down they do. Does that stop a relationship from forming or an intimate moment from happening? Hell no. If a man cannot look past the physical part of a lady and look at whats inside, then he cannot truly call himself a man. Just a horn dog.
2. Getting fit is not only going to help. But it is physcially better for you not only in the amount of keeping you healthy, but assisting in your own sense of self pride. I did PT in the Army every day at 4am. I got myself where I was happy and continued to do so even after I left the Army in 05. I would keep up the program you are on.
In short if he is not willing to look past the physical attributes and see you for the person you are, then he needs to truck off and go find a bar to hide in.
Again, just an opinion. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:42:10 AM | Dear Barbwire 45,
You are already facing your issues by posting here. Good for you; that's a positive step. Next, talk with him about your issues and concerns. Tell him about your walking and exercise. You may think that he is physically perfect, but he isn't. It may be hard, but you have to realize that he has to accept you for yourself. If he won't accept you as you are, you have to find someone who will. No one will be happy making themselves over to appeal to someone else. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 12:32:01 PM |
Do men really look that closely?
A few, maybe. But if he's looking only for perfection, he'll be looking for a long time. And that's HIS problem.
Does it matter that I am working on getting fit?
Sure.... you get points for that.
Do men look at the total package or just the wrapping?
Total package. But the wrapping is what they see first. Since you two have been dating awhile, he should be past that part by now and focused on the important stuff.
Am I over thinking this?
Yep.
Since you like camping, walking, and rafting, you're a "catch" up there around Shreveport  | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:43:10 PM | | I think you're WAY over thinking this! If you two have been together for this amount of time and you wanna step your realationship up then go for it,He must not have any second thoughts of it or he wouldnt be there | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 1:51:46 PM | | the only thing worse than a woman that does not feel good about being in her own skin, is a gym rat | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 2:08:28 PM | ^^^^ You don't have to live at the gym, OP, to get what you want from it. It's a facility, a tool, and it can go a long way toward improving your self-image, and "core" strength, in the broader sense of that phrase, if you make use of it.
We are at the place where I think we'd both like to be intimate.
Then I think you can rest assured that he already likes what you have, or indeed, as alot of guys, he really is interested in the "package". Butterflies and shivers attend almost all first times. If you devote yourself to body training regimen, during and after the time that you two first disrobe, there's a great chance that your self-esteem deficiencies get a double boost- from his desire to repeat/prolong your intimacy, and from the highs that usually well up each time you're leaving that gym. Hit it!! Like you mean it, and keep going back for more, in both contexts. You're gonna like it. | |
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| Question for MEN
Posted: 11/1/2009 2:36:02 PM | OP,
Yep, there are gonna be those that only care about the wrapping. But you two have a history and from the sound of things have been relationship building in other ways. Plus you have seen each other in person multiple times. Yep, I know that clothed VS in the buff is different...but it is not like he does not already have a pretty good idea of things... Relax! From your pictures, you look a little thin but different body types attract different types of people. Ultimately I think that body type is only a small part of chemistry. Chemistry is such a infinite mix of things. You are both over 40 so must be realistic that time changes things for us all....LOL.
I must say that I would like to talk to our body builder poster in 20 or 25 years and see what wisdom may have (hopefully) enlightened him......LOL....
MM | |
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