| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/1/2009 5:27:34 PM | I've been going out a lot lately, and have noticed that people tend to stick with their own. This is less true in Northern CA than it is in SoCal, but in SoCal, it's the norm. I never understood it until last night.
So I'm in this club where a friend of mine is performing. I don't know anyone else there. I don't even know her friends. I get there early, and there is a group of people of a different ethnicity than me. I go get some food from the restaurant associated with the club, and they comment on it because I was the first one to do that. We got to talking. When they all get up to dance and I joined them. While it was hip hop, it was fun. Evetually they all sat down and I did too. So far so good. In a little while, the DJ switches to salsa, and one of the women in the group invites me to dance. I protest that I don't know salsa and she said not to worry about it, but it's clear she's good and I'm a beginner. So I got embarrassed and intimidated, and backed off.
That's when it started to go wrong. I had also gotten myself some water, and they asked me to get them some too. I said sure, which was a big mistake. I should have joked: "What do I look like, a waiter? Do you see a name tag here?" But I blew it. The water was an issue because the bartender didn't want to give it to me. He wanted to sell me bottles and wouldn't just pour. So it took some doing, but by the time I got the water they were impatient and, I realized, had lost respect for me. So I again backed off. I counted two strikes.
By this time, my friend arrived and introduced me to her friends. We got into conversation and related comfortably, and I noticed that the group that I'd served was looking uptight. It was a wierd scene in there anyway. If there's anything more pointless than nightclub politics I don't know what it could possibly be. But there it was. The more uptight they looked, the less inclined I was to approach them again, and since I was having a good time, I saw no need to go over to them and get swatted for my trouble--like I got swatted for bringing them the water. Nah, I just figured I was out.
No the swat wasn't major, and for all I know they were looking for me to swat right back, but that's a cultural difference that I wasn't prepared to handle. In hindsight I recognize that I could have made a joke about that too, but strike 3 was me getting too uptight to think tactically in the situation.
Note to self--make a joke about it whenever I feel uncomfortable for any reason.
I obviously wasn't able to do that last night, and eventually the other group left. It didn't look like they were having much fun, but me "snubbing" them to hang out with people who look more like me didn't help matters. So I can't **** about other people doing that any more. When I get uncomfortable I do the very same thing.
It does suck though. For everyone. We all would have had a much better time if I'd been able to bridge the gap. | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/1/2009 6:07:53 PM | Hold on a minute while I get the picture of Ace dancing to hip hop out of my mind.
Okay. There. Whew!
Ace, didn't you mention to the first group that you were there to see your friend? Didn't they see your friend take you over to meet her friends? Yeah, you probably should have told the first group that the bartender wouldn't give you free water for them and leave it at that.
It was only your self-imposed guilt that made you uncomfortable. You didn't owe them anything other than being your sweet self. Fagettaboutem. | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:20:59 PM | I'm failing to see how any of this had anything to do with race.
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:34:43 PM |
'm failing to see how any of this had anything to do with race.
I'm failing to see where race was even mentioned.................................. | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:38:43 PM | Oh excuse me. Maybe the "Why people stick with their own" title or the "hanging out with people that look more like me" was an indication of what the thread starter had in mind.
That's just a guess though.
:face palm: | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:20:52 PM | Ok, "stick with their own" implies a lot of things. How about we ask Ace what he means by this?
Also, it isn't always personal and you probably shouldn't take it that way.
It's a way of life here in Southern California, people just aren't that friendly. In fact I did an experiment today when I was out, I said hello to everyone who passed by me.
I got 2 people to return the favor..............................................in about 50.
I figure they're just poopy heads and I'm Betta Off | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:26:46 PM | Ace simply failed 3 universal tests, it had nothing to do with race or culture or anything.
1. He failed the COURAGE test when asked to perform a new skill, dancing.
2. He failed basic COMPETENCY, securing water in a place that served drinks. Brilliant.
3. Being unable to practice basic SOCIALIZATION skills.
Obungler should make this guy some kinda Czar, he's got people who don't believe in business in charge of business's, why can't Ace be a Czar? | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:44:23 PM |
It's a way of life here in Southern California, people just aren't that friendly. In fact I did an experiment today when I was out, I said hello to everyone who passed by me.
I got 2 people to return the favor..............................................in about 50.
Were you still dressed in your Freddy Krueger costume?
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:55:33 PM | That's just a guess though.
Yes--just your guess. If you don't see how race had anything to do with what he described, why the sarcasm when someone observes that the OP never mentioned race? He said these people were "of a different ethnicity than me"--not that they were of a different race. | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:05:01 PM | Ethnicity was a factor, but it's really just about insularity in general. I've seen the same thing happen when everyone was of the same race but had different political viewpoints, were dressed differently, or were just there as part of different groups.
Let's face it. It's just easier to hang with people who are familiar than it is to reach out. But everyone loses out when we do that. | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:00:13 PM | AceOfSpace you obviously did what your profile notes 'I am not afraid to apply myself, take risks, or sacrifice to achieve a goal'.
But re-read your profile and then the subject line and it seems you are looking for someone who 'is your own kind'. Of course people seek their own kind in one way or another. Why would someone who dislikes rap, go to a rap concert? Why would someone who likes being active want to hang with couch potatoes?
~Beth~ | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:50:01 PM | many of us may feel out-of-place no matter the setting.
sucks to be "many of us".
I must have major esteem issues or something, as I often feel like a fish out of water when I go out with my caucasian dates (which is basically 99.9%), and even with those closer to my own ethnicity (the 1%). I can and do hold my own in conversation, but there are times when I just don't feel like I blend in. anywhere.
wtf?
lol
anyone know a good shrink? | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:50:13 PM | There are good reasons people why races or ethnic groups tend to live in communities, rather than everyone being mixed at random. They have more things in common, in almost every aspect of life. And it's that way all over the world.
I find people from backgrounds different from mine--with some exceptions--have customs that irritate me to be around. They tend to talk too loud, play crappy music too loud, drive poorly, act rude or pushy, not maintain their yards, and so on. That doesn't mean I wish them ill--just that, given the choice, I wouldn't live in their neighborhood.
And I'm sure people like me have customs that irritate them, too. Fine. Stay clear of me, then, and make us both happy. I'm not about to do things their way. As long as they have a right to be here and obey the laws, they can live like they want.
I'm talking in general terms, and someone doesn't have to be a different race or ethnic background to make me not want to live around them. On the flip side, I don't feel that way about any particular person just because of their race or ethnicity. | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:47:50 AM | Mz,
Join the club. I just turned 52 and I can't remember going through an entire day feeling like I belong in this world or among these people--any people.
You know what? I suspect that most people feel this way a good portion of the time, which is why we all huddle together when we find a few people who scare us less badly than others.
Sucks.
I guess that's one reason why I would like to be able to bridge gaps and get along with people who are different from me, even if they seem alien on the surface. Who isn't an alien in my world? | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:03:51 AM |
Ethnicity was a factor
Well that was pretty clear to the smart folks.
Carry on.
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:04:06 AM | Whenever a stranger comes into town, people tend to be hesitant and cautious until they know who he is. Is he hired gun, a philanderer, a con artist, a wife stealer, a narc?
When you step into any culture or sub-culture, whether it's a nightclub, a tribe in the heart of the jungle, a wild west town or even an internet forum like POF, you will be sized up to see who you are and what you are about until you prove yourself and blend in, which may take longer with some societies than with others. The tighter the group, the longer it will take to become accepted. Trust is earned over time, even in dance clubs and has nothing to do with you personally. It is a survival skill inherent in most of us to be suspicious of those we don't know. It's them, not you | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:20:23 AM | Boomer while all the things you say are true, the topic is not about new sub-cultures or groups but about the behavior of Ace. he was given three tests and he failed all three. I'll repeat.
1. Woman asks him to dance. His refusal made him an outsider. rejection of sub-culture member, cast immediate suspicion on the "outsider'.
2,. Unable to solve a problem..obtain drinks in a drinking place lollolololololol STOP ME!!!!!!!!! Look it's a busy weekend night and a non-reg wat's 4 free drinks (water). His choice included , can wait on patrons who are providing revenue or a clear deadbeat outsider who will likely drop and break the glasses in any case. Answer; drop a $5 or a $10 on the bartender. result; a happy important stakeholder who now considers you the good guy. The water drinkers see you as an accomplished problem solver, chicks love big brains, guys who bring home the water (cough cough). Ace probably spent the night thinking up a new law to solve his social incompetence and lack of problem solving skills.
3. Social breakdown, see #1 and 2. beam me out forever. | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:22:59 AM | When I was a kid, my family moved twice. The first time we moved, I got picked on by the other kids in the neighborhood. There was this one kid who was just awful. Always threatening to beat me up even though he was smaller than me. I asked my Dad about it and he said I'd have to fight him, and what I should do was rub his face in the dirt once I got him down. Well, I didn't like it. I thought it was just stupid, but I didn't want to get picked on any more so one day I called his bluff and we had our fight. I did what my Dad said--rubbed his face in the dirt and told him not to mess with me any more. From that day forward that kid was my biggest fan, and soon thereafter the alpha girl on the block picked me to be her boyfriend.
When we moved the second time, I thought I knew better. I didn't like fighting. I didn't like having to fight, and so when the kids in the new town picked on me, I took it. What I didn't realize was that those kids were sizing me up to see if I was a coward or not. Because I wouldn't put my body in the line to prove myself to them, they saw me as a coward. But did I really owe them that?
More than philandering, more than grifting, more than anything else, what people cannot abide is cowardice. It is all too easy to ascribe that failing to people whose ways are different than one's own. Having the courage and presence of mind to make a joke in a tense situation can lighten the load for everyone. | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:09:07 AM |
Having the courage and presence of mind to make a joke in a tense situation can lighten the load for everyone.
Good wisdom. You attract more bees with honey then with vinegar, so the saying goes.
Many comedians got their start in school using humor to deflect bullying by others. | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:49:23 AM | I wouldn't expect you to hit it off with a group which you knew nobody. You were a complete stranger unaware of the groups dynamics. Who's the clown, who's the brain, who's the muscle, who's the lady's man, who's the shy one. You would have to figure all that out, so you don't step on anyone's role in the group. At the same time, no one knows your sense of humor or what topics you are conversant in. Think nothing of not hitting it off with everyone you meet.
A theory I have is races typically clique together the way animals do instinctively. Though leopards and cheetahs look a lot alike, they don't hang out with each other. Many birds, snakes, and canines in the wild are very similar to one another, but they don't run together for mating reasons, food preferences and the ability to get that food or migrating habits. They're just different enough to not truly get along with one another. | |
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| Why people stick with their own
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:01:07 AM |
I often feel like a fish out of water
Just remember to take along your own tank, and that can't happen. | |
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