| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:25:41 PM | OK, so I have been seeing someone casually off and on for a year now. After a few months, things started to head in a serious direction and he all of a sudden got distant..didn't want to commit. I was upset because things had been going really, really well. but fine, I let him go. The thing is, he seems to want things both ways now. Don't want to commit, but wants to keep tabs on me, still hang out with my family, go on dates, ect. Have any of you had an experience like this before?
I mean, right now we are FRIENDS, which is what I thought he wanted, but then he gets all jealous when I am seeing someone else and just generally still wants to hang on but not commit. He's alone all the time and doesn't date ANYONE, or even allow close friendships or close relationships with family members. I just wish things would go ONE WAY or the other, and he can't seem to do that for me. So I guess I just wanted to know if anyone has dealt with something like this, and what you decided to do. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:37:28 PM | OP, he's just not ready to commit. There's just something about previous relationships that he still needs to get resolved. It could be that he's still deep down inside in love with a woman from a prior relationship, and it could be due to that a prior relationship has him so scarred that he just can't move forward. Unfortunately, you have a hard choice: either stay his friend and hope he can get his emotional baggage in check or just to move on. Really, there is a lot to be said for the latter choice because he may *never* be able to resolve the baggage.
By the way, this happens as much with woman as it does with men. I say that since a woman that I truly loved would have an excellent relationship ... up until we got close, and then the break-up occurred. It happened to me two times with her, and it was like as if you could set a timer to it. Thus, I know how you must feel, and I wish for you the best.
edit: OP, I guess I did forget another option - he just might not be ready to commit with a woman. Some guys feel like they have to sew the wild oats at a young age, and thus can't commit to one woman. If that is the case, I'd highly recommend that you kick him to the curb - it sounds like you want to date a man, not a boy. Just another option to consider, and also something to highlight that it really could be many reasons to his actions. I suggest you sit down with him and just discuss things in detail - you might be able to find the root cause. Who knows? However, if you can't, my philosophy is that life is too short to waste, and thus I'd probably move on.
edit #2: What they vvv said ... I guess I was typing it at the same time ... | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:43:18 PM | He wants to have his cake and eat it, too.
A lot of men who aren't ready to settle will try to string you along -- as long as they get away with it.
Don't put up with it. Only keep him as a friend if he is in your circle. And, don't date him anymore. Even if he promises to change.
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:46:08 PM | OP, You are 25 and although they qualify as adults, the guys your age are boys. Oh wait, some guys pushing 50 and 60 do the same thing. My bad.
The advice is if you don't like it, there is the option of saying and moving on. 
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:49:32 PM | | I know I probably need to just pull the plug on the whole thing, I guess it's just hard when it's been going on for so long and I've put so much time and energy into it. He's two years younger than me too -23, so some people tell me it's immaturity. I get to the point where I feel bad for him bc I know he's had some traumatic relationships, including with friends and family. He talks a lot about it. I guess I need to stop feeling sorry for him. Ha. I suppose it's just hard when you do care for someone. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:54:04 PM | see the pattern?
off and on for a year now
things started to head in a serious direction (on)
got distant..didn't want to commit (off)
he seems to want things both ways now (he always wanted it that way- off and on)
why do people (YOU) do this? | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 7:58:59 PM | OP, yeah it definitely sounds like the traumatic relationships would need to get resolved. If you know him well, I'd probably suggest counseling if he is talking a lot about it.
I don't mean for you to just abandon him as a person. If you were thinking of getting serious with him, it sounds like you care for him in some regard.
Finally, I still suggest that you talk to him about it. As I was thinking about it, I recalled the reason why I never tried to settle down with a woman before 30 was that I wanted to make sure my own life was in order first - and that meant graduating from engineering school followed by getting my career going. I know it sounds cold, but I thought unless I had a good foundation for myself, then any serious relationship that I started would be pointless - like castles made on a sand foundation.
Talk to him. Make sure you know what truly the reason is for his reluctance to start a serious relationship. Then make an informed decision.
edit: Landra, because there is such a thing called love. You do your best to find out all about a person you can before you reach this stage, but it doesn't always happen that way. Thus, you make a decision - is it worth ripping out your heart just to move on, or do you care enough about the person to see if something can be done. Yeah, it's not logical ... but it is the best answer that I can provide to describe it. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:06:41 PM |
I mean, right now we are FRIENDS, which is what I thought he wanted, but then he gets all jealous when I am seeing someone else and just generally still wants to hang on but not commit. He's alone all the time and doesn't date ANYONE, or even allow close friendships or close relationships with family members. I just wish things would go ONE WAY or the other, and he can't seem to do that for me. So I guess I just wanted to know if anyone has dealt with something like this, and what you decided to do.
neither one of you have the courage to tell how you really feel about one another.
until you are ready to sit down with each other and discuss it like adults
be prepared to make more posts on POF. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:13:13 PM | | Well, like I said, he's told me he doesn't want to commit. Plus, he's really hard to talk to about serious things like this. I tried to a long time ago one time, and it was like talking to emotionless brick wall. He just shuts down. I would definately be willing to sit down and discuss it but I'm reluctant to do it again because he doesn't like to open up to people. He's like the most guarded person I've ever met. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:18:01 PM |
Well, like I said, he's told me he doesn't want to commit.
That's enough reason to say bye bye. Get rid of him. You don't need friends like that. Find someone who isn't so guarded, and knows what he wants...
Namely, you. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 8:18:53 PM | Then I'd seriously suggest that you suggest to him that he needs to seek counseling, and then promptly tell him that you have to move on. Afterwards, delete all contact information and never look back.
This guy has a mountain of emotional baggage, and the worst thing is that he's willing to whine about it, but isn't willing to do anything about it. The last thing you want to do is be around this guy when the mountain comes crumbling down and this guy snaps. This guy is like an unstable star, and he's about to go supernova ...
You heard what I said about the prior girlfriend, so you know that I don't say this lightly and know that it is going to be hard to do. But run, woman, run! | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:20:02 PM | If he doesn't want to commit and that is what you want then you have every right not to date him and he has no right to get jealous. it seems to me he wants to have his cake and eat it too. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:24:51 PM | | I guess I should have wondered about him when all of his friends/family found out I had a Psych. degree and told me I had the perfect case study with him. lol. But sometimes, you just can't help who you like I suppose. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:30:22 PM | I was wondering when I saw your psychology degree but didn't want to bring it up ... but since you brought it to the forefront: don't mix work with your personal life. There is no such thing as a "fixer-upper" when it comes to a guy - that is a complete myth when it comes to belief from women, and it has ended up with a mountain of heartbreak from women.
People will always be who they are - and they have to be the ones that take the initiative to change. That's why it was very "revealing" when you said he shuts down when you want to talk about his past, but he has no problem whining about the past ... and if I may be so bold to say, he probably uses it to enable him to partake of the bad habits that he currently has. (I'm going out on a limb with that ... but I don't think that limb is that long ...)
I'd listen to your friends and family, if only for the reason that they care for you.
I wish for you the best. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:16:32 PM | Here's the issues as YOU present them
"but then he gets all jealous when I am seeing someone else"
"He still wants to hang on but not commit. "
"He's alone all the time and doesn't date ANYONE,"
"He doesnt even allow close friendships or close relationships with family members."
Why on earth do you want to be with someone who is SO anti-people and anti-social?
This is heading towards an abusive situation where he ISOLATES you from EVERYONE.
Is this what you want? | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:06:57 PM | Why do people do that? It's just as silly as being in a casual on-and-off relationship for a year, actually. Doing that is actually less rational than a FWB, but I digress...
People who don't want commitment don't necessarily WANT you to see other people. But in his case, he wanted to have his cake and eat it, too. He wanted you to be commited to him, but not him to you, as he wanted to bang other new women (to put it bluntly, but honestly).
Being "Friends" is about the dumbest thing two people can do while hanging out and meeting family members, with physical attraction and a very recent past of hot sex. You're just trying to fool yourselves being "just friends", as that just leads to drama, and it certainly has for you. Your situation of "just friendship" is about as silly as calling something "Dating" when when you're hanging out with someone once every couple weeks amongst a group of their friends with a little flirting and a historic drunken kiss. Basically, you can label it what you want, but it doesn't mean it's accurate.
With that said though, it doesn't mean he should have gotten upset. He's an idiot for expecting you not to date people when he vied for a "friends" label and never wanted to really commit to you in the past.
You guys can't be just friends and hang out and see each other's family. An ex of many years ago where there's zero sexual tension and you're each seeing someone who has connections to your family? Okay. Your situation? Don't fool yourself. Jealous people can't handle that, and it's just weird in the first place. :) | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:16:51 PM | Just remind him that exclusivity is a 2 way street. That if he wants you to commit to being exclusively with him, that you will do that at the time he does the same for you.
If he wants it from you, he's going to have to give it. Simple as that. In the mean time, dont let him sap you of your happiness, and feel free to spend time with whoever you want. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:22:04 PM | | Well I only went with him once on a trip to see his family for a holiday...they live out of state. But he still comes over here like part of the family and has even gone and seen my Dad at work. He hasn't been in a serious "committed" relationship in years and that one was a bad situation. So idk..he's a loner, but I've felt for a while like he just wants me to wait around in case he ever wants to settle down or whatever. I've given him a couple opportunities to walk away completely and he hasn't...so idk what he really wants of me. He's like a little boy sometimes that can't express his feelings. I know, I know, yall are gonna be like...then why do you like him? I don't have a good answer. :( ha. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:28:52 PM | You forgot to give him the SMART option..
To see YOUR ass as YOU walk away... permanently
Oh.. regarding why you like him.. You are a young girl with your FIXIT gene on high
Answer this to yourself.. What FAILINGS in one of your parent figures does this guy remind you of??
Or.. WHO rolemodeled for you the "wait around FOREVER for Mr. Wrong to BECOME Mr. Righ"
THAT is the person you are desperately trying to fix through this guy..
It WONT fix the real problem | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:17:30 AM |
Well I only went with him once on a trip to see his family for a holiday...they live out of state. But he still comes over here like part of the family and has even gone and seen my Dad at work. He hasn't been in a serious "committed" relationship in years and that one was a bad situation. So idk..he's a loner, but I've felt for a while like he just wants me to wait around in case he ever wants to settle down or whatever. I've given him a couple opportunities to walk away completely and he hasn't...so idk what he really wants of me. He's like a little boy sometimes that can't express his feelings. I know, I know, yall are gonna be like...then why do you like him? I don't have a good answer. :( ha.
He's stuck in the past, and instead of dealing with it, shuts down anyone and anything that tries to get him to work through his problems. This WILL NOT change, until HE wants to change.
What he wants from you is to stick around and be his little ego buddy. The pretty girl that wants him, and makes him feel good about himself, because underneath his smiling face, he's a complete and total wreck. If you're fine with that, then by all means, stick around. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 3:50:58 AM | | i think he needs some time to figure what he wants. you can't be friends. it wouldn't be fair on you. but the fact that you started casual is not a good sign or start to any relationship and the fact that he got scared when things got serious only confirms this. life is too short to hang on to someone who is like this. let him do some soul searching.. live your life.. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:01:10 AM | | It seems to me that your more of a Mother figure rather than a future wife. He will not open up, but he feels protected when you are around. He gets upset when you date someone because he feels someone is taking you away from him(kid thoughts). Being in a profession such as your own, you should know the tell, tell signs. Quit feeling sorry, because you know you are hurting him and yourself by hanging on to a hope that will never happen. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:57:58 AM | op,
my mother was married at 23. i know things have changed somewhat, but i think the immaturity thing is an excuse. for whatever reason (and the reason is really irrelevant), he's not wanting to settle down with you. he obviously enjoys being with you, but if you can't live with the situation as is, then you don't have much choice other than to move on. if he misses you enough, he'll be back. in the interim, there are a lot of other single guys at your age. if you wait 10 yrs, most of the single guys will be divorced with kids. don't let this time in your life poass you by if you're not getting what you want or need. | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:00:32 AM | | also, if he's an emotional brick wall at 23, it'll probably only get worse as he gets older as he's having to face more difficulties that come with age & responsibilities. something you might want to consider... | |
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| so annoying..why do people do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:02:12 AM | | He has objections and he is entitled to have them, so you can either ask about his reasons or just dismiss him for not being willing to do things on your terms without discussion. That idea of a relationship you have in your head doesn't exist in his head, and won't work for him. To have a relationship you would need to share the same idea of it. For him to form an idea of a relationship that works for him, he would need you to hear and understand what he needs. The relationship would have to meet his needs and yours. Right now you have an ultimatum and he rightly knows better than to agree to something he doesn't understand and about which he has legitimate misgivings. You could ask him what his idea of a good relationship would be, and go from there. | |
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