| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/1/2009 9:03:40 PM | | Okay so from women or men both sides of the spectrum might be able to shed some kind of light on me for this. Just a little bit of back round before I get to the point of this, I was a very sheltered girl growing up , I don't mena to say that negatively, I think my mother was and is a hardworking, understanding and wonderful mother, I just had four siblings that proceeded me, and lets just say did not give her the easiest time so lets just say she locked down a bit more with my self and younger brother. Okay so I guess I did the normal stuff in sequence I had my first kiss when I was young and even went on a few dates with a guy when I was seventeen just nothing really serious. When I turned eighteen I immediately joined the Army to see what was out there. After training was done I was stationed in Texas, and when I was nineteen I was a medic at the Army hospital there where I meant the man I am seperated from now. He was a patient with a blood condition that seemed great so we started dating when I was nineteen and by the time I was twenty we were married. I thought he could not work, sincerely I did I trusted him and always just thought that he had migraines and felt bad at certain times, and he did not work, but I was fine with that I loved him, and thought that if it was me I would expect the same from him. So we had a absolutley beautiful little girl on Valentines day who is four and a half now, and when my contract was fulfilled, in 2007 we moved back to my home state of Washington, I found out I was pregant and when we found out it was a boy we knew we were done with having kids. I worked a couple of jobs and went school full time to keep things together. He controled our funds, paid the bills and watched our daughter , I'd come home every night and fix her dinner and get her ready for bed, I'd look in on her at night wishing I could be with her more. Our son was born in September of 07' His name was Maverick. Like our daughter he was everything that I had hoped for in a son, I had such dreams for him. While I was at my second job on Jan. 10th 2008 the police came rushing to tell me that something had happend to my baby. I was rushed to the hospital and wheeled into to his bedside where he was being worked on. I was crying and praying harder than I ever have or ever will. They tried for about ten more minutes before they told me he was gone. My soon to be ex was held for questioning, he arrived a bit later followed by my family. He had passed away from SIDS when he was almost four months old. in August of last year I recieved orders to Iraq, and I know it might sound extremely selfish, but I was still grieving and I still had my daughter, but I wanted to go, I thought for a minute it was odd that my husband wanted me to go too so that he could go back home for Texas and we would be more financially secure, but so much was passing through my mind at that time I did not think about too much. I found out just prior to me leaving that I was pregnant(I had gotten the orders and became pregnant pretty close to the same time) He did not want me to have her, and I knew we were not ready, but I looked at it as a blessing, as hard as it was. He wanted to move back to Texas, so I comprimised and agreed as long as we could live where my son had been buried next to his great grandfather. When I was eight months pregnant. When I was eight months pregnant. He left me, I found out he had been talking to his ex and another woman, and depending how far it went, (I never found out) he knew that I would be the one to go so I think he told me to leave first, maybe I don't know, I tried to remind him that we were about to have a baby, and that how hard it would be to do alone, and he told me I should not have kept her then, that he felt more free, etc. I was in shock and hurt. I just couldn't believe it. I took care of my family , I was devoted and supportive. We were only in Texas a few weeks. I had the baby, and she was worth every minute she is almost six months now. I found out that less then a month after I left with my daughter , he was going through prison guard training and now works for the state of Texas living with his mother not a worry in the world. So being proud, and not knowing the single mom thing is harder than it seemed, months into it (I had already filed for divorce) He tells the court that I "fled" with my daughter under false pretenses (he said that I told him I was just coming home for a visit) and that he was totally shocked I filed for divorce, basically telling everyone I kidnapped my daughter and filed immediate;y (which wasnt true) in some plot. Initially my in;laws were ashamed of him, but when I made it clear I needed my family and I would not be going back to Texas. They have the money and they fought me on Jurisdiction for the girls, trying to have them removed from me and placed in my in-laws home. I won of course, because his story did not fly with the judge, but part of his decision was based on the my ex not saying anything about my ability or lack there of to care for my girls, so my mother in law and sister in law got vindictive, and wrote to the court saying the only things they could come up with which was I did not clean enough (I did what I could with what time I had ) and just stating I was unfit, because of the time I spent away from my kids and this and that, saying that my daughter being on monitors at night (because of what happend to my son) was a farce, and that my ex had a good job now and he was the better parent. Even though my kids were always on my mind and I was constantly checking on them and got no more than four hours of sleep a time to sneak in a few hours with them during the morning, when I would mention getting a job to my ex, he would just say he looked and there was nothing, or nothing that he wanted to do, or he did not feel well, which made me feel bad. So here is the problem I know what has been done to me is wrong and there is no excuse for it, and I know I am good mother, but Do I look everything over to make things less stressful in hopes that my ex will step up, and be around for the girls? I don't know how to make it clear that this all was not okay to my in-laws, I did not badger them in my response to the judge I just defended myself in thinking of my daughters. Honestly I don't want my girls to be raised to be capable of such things or to think it's okay not to stand up and say something is wrong, so for as a mom they crossed a line of no return (they even brought my son into it saying I was not there when he was found unconcious, to make some sort of sick point of how I was not there), but I know I cant stop for my girls, but how do I make things better, without giving the impression that I am a push over. I have not spoken to my ex or them in months only allowing phone calls to my daughter until visitation is decided. I want to set a good example for my daughters, and I don't want them thinking that this acceptable for a man in there future, but at the same time I know how a good relationship between a father and daughter can be, and in spite of everything I do want that for them, and I don't want them knowing what he did, so that when they are older they can decide based on his actions what their relationship will be . What would you do? He does call once a week to speak to our oldest daughter. Is it wrong of me to keep all the paper work and evidence from at least his emotional infidelity in case my daughters have questions one day? What kind of relationship if any should I allow with my inlaws if any as they will mainly be with me?. They are their only granchildren, and neices. Alot of people friends and family have come up to me since I have been home saying they never approved of him for what he had me take on, though they never said anything because they knew I would have stood by him, and they felt that would cause a fight but just assumed it as my lack of experience prior to him in allowing it. I know I am way over him for what he has done. Is my confusion just wanting him to want our daughters? Or is any of this in my control at all?? | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:45:35 PM | One word: Paragraphs.
I'm sorry, OP, but at this late hour, I'm going to have to pass on even attempting to read your huge wall of text for another time, in the interest of keeping my eyes from bleeding.
Peace out. | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:51:21 AM | It seems your ex (and his relatives) tried all kinds of lies and trickery after you recieved orders to a new duty station telling you he'd follow then asking for a divorce pretending abandonment, siting you were unfit parent. Is pretty pretty davm low.
Is it any way to get supervised visits? Ordinarily I would persuade for the sake of the children to let them see their father as much as possible but, with these issues, I don't think I could entrust them to the care of him or any of his relatives. I would definitely seek legal advice.
Keep in mind dogs might be good pets for children but not rabid ones.
Good luck with your circumstances. | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:10:49 AM | Op: A couple things.
... It's much easier to read such text if it's not in a huge wall ... paragraphs are great.
I am so, so sorry about your son. We did not know for awhile if my daughter was going to make it originally because of the disability she has, and I cannot even begin to imagine how it must feel to have actually lost a child. You are absolutely *not* selfish in still grieving only several months after your little boy passed.
While it seems horrendous of your spouse to have run off and cheated ... honestly, that was probably his way of reacting to the stress of what happened. It would likely be easy for you to be extremely angry and you would be justified, from what you've said. However, try not to hold it against him forever because the past few years have been so incredibly stressful for both of you.
Yes, he deserves to see his daughters... once provision is set in place to ensure he will not run off with the kids and not bring them back... I would advise you let him see the kids. The in-laws... need to learn to mind their own business... then again -- it's not always easy to tell them that, is it? | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:42:47 AM | | Thanks for the tip, I am trying to figure out how to edit it so that I can make it in to paragraphs | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:38:57 AM | It would seem that your ex is pushing "buttons " to upset you and using all the old tricks to keep you wondering. You need to talk to a "lawyer " for you options,and maybe a counselor for "certain " issuses you are dealing . You are going to be more upset with his tactics without legal advise,and he'll use every dirty,underhanded ,emotional "my side " controling facts that he can. You'll start to doubt yourself what is real and what is fiction. Be gathering /collecting any papers on his actions,you are protecting yourself and the children as well. Relationship will be strained to say the least ,but your paperwork to a lawyer will prove the twisted version to be false. He's fatherly concerns will most like turn to about more lies and such. Good Luck!
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:32:32 PM | | Thanks, I'm just trying to figure all of this out and want it over with as soon as possible, so I can get on with it. I know he just wanted his freedom, but what he has claimed on top of that in regards to the girls, is what did in my personal feelings, I just hope he can see beyond himself for two seconds long enough to relize that when all is said and done we'll both move on and the girls are the ones who will be left with all of this | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/2/2009 3:06:30 PM | ^^^^^ Yes. But, know this: You can not control what, and who he is... what he does, or is capable of realizing. However, you can control just how much your frustration with him is permitted to affect you. Easy? No. But, doable, and quite frankly imperative for you, and your girls, to work on it.
I, too, am so very sorry for your loss.
What your ex, and his family have done, is despicable, and serves to warn you well of the potential of their future behavior. Do NOT allow them to use the fact that his parents are the only grandparents they have in effort to emotionally blackmail you into swaying you to side against better judgment of just how involved with their lives they should be.
For them to use your being at your place of employment (supporting ALL of you), working, at the time of your son's sudden crisis against you, speaks volumes concerning their character(s). An out lashing due to their grieving? I realize that people grieve differently, but please... they have had attempted ZERO towards healing the huge hurt, and rift, their 'reaction' has caused that IMO speaks for itself - certainly not of their compassion, love towards their grandchildren, respect for you as their mother... nor intelligence.
Now... As far as his involvement with your daughter - his calling your eldest to talk once a week: Do you have access to knowing what he relates to her in their conversations? I don't mean interfering with them, nor pumping your daughter for info... but, monitoring ie. speakerphone, or such. If so... what is the 'feel' of what he is relating to her? | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:30:05 PM | I'm sorry for your loss. I can tell you are in deep pain over all of these things. What kind of support system do you have in place for yourself? Maybe you shared that in your original post, but I couldn't tell.
SparklingRose: What your ex, and his family have done, is despicable, and serves to warn you well of the potential of their future behavior.
The Sparkling One is right on. If you haven't already heard it from them, I'm pretty sure you will: "We have only the best interest of our grandchildren at heart." Their love for their grandchildren may run deep, but their contempt for their grandchildren's mother probably runs deeper. Be cautious and wise when dealing in matters of trust with these people.
And having said that, I believe it is imperative that you find an attorney to represent you. Your ex and his family have already tried to engage you directly and used "Gaslighting" techniques to disorient you. With an attorney as your advocate, their communication will need to go through him or her. | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:04:22 PM | | Well ever since his family's declarations came in I have kept the phone on speaker, The strength that I have built over losing my son just to go on for my girls has enabled me to think that what he did to me when all is said and done, was just that it was done to me, because I thought that he knew how hard I worked and that I was good mother and he would never at least touch that, and he didn't himself but he still allowed his mother and sister to on his behalf, which is the same thing the way I look at it, so as sad as it is, even that sacred trust over our daughters is out the window, he seems fine with her the only thing I am a little edgy about is him asking her if she is sick (when there is no reason for it) or when he said once that he only wanted her, which makes me think he has a detachment towards our youngest. I just don't know. But thank-you for your thoughts, I hate myself sometimes even now I am trying to think of an excuse for them because in particular my sister in law and I had been close, at least as far as she is concerned I don't think she relizes how bad she hurt me with what she had to say not being a mother herself, I guess I have to come to terms with my misplaced faith in the m,and pray that this is all over sooner rather than later | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:12:24 PM | | Thank-you, I do believe now that they have tried to take advantage of my youth and inexperience in this area, I just cant believe that they thought a mother would not fight for her daughters. | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:22:54 AM | | Hi Nancy, it was very sad to read about the loss of your child. I am so sorry for you! This man you loved and gave and gave for is not warming my heart (to put it mildly). To falsely accuse someone of kidnapping, especially the mother-IS A VERY SERIOUS ALLEGATION. You have a big and beautiful heart, and surely, you want the best for your kids, and want them to have a father figure too-that's natural. Unfortunately, this boyman has not been a good father at all, nor a good man. He has not provided for his offspring and what kind of decent father would EVER wish to separate his children from their own mother (barring severe mental illness or neglect on her part) That is crazy, my dear. It would seem to me you would do better to focus on making it without him in the picture (beyond legally required visitation rights)-he is very destructive to the children's wellbeing when the facts are added up. It is possible you could meet another man, a good man, who would take these children in as his own and even help you out with them. There are good guys out there, men who would make better fathers than your sperm-donor. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I am just using some straight talk with you. For the children's sake, you may well be better off to leave this one trailing in the dust. Best of luck to you NancyLee, and let us know how you make out, ok? PS feel free to write me any time too if you need an ear-Wiyan | |
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Posted: 11/3/2009 12:56:43 AM | Thank-you I appreciate your support, and I am seeing things clearer as time is passing. I know I did not deserve any of this, and I know I need to go forward, and I will. Everything was very kind of you to say. And though I dont think I will ever be complete without Maverick here, maybe some day there is a happily ever after
nancy | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:09:04 PM |
Well ever since his family's declarations came in I have kept the phone on speaker...
the only thing I am a little edgy about is him asking her if she is sick (when there is no reason for it) or when he said once that he only wanted her, which makes me think he has a detachment towards our youngest. Right. Asking her if she's sick, when there's no reason for it. Sounds to me, based on their previous malicious antics, that he's merely using yet another malicious tactic. Subversively, and subliminally, leading her in attempt to establish his/their case of "unfit mother" against you, at the same time "staying in touch" and "asking her if she's ill" (but, no valid reason to) goes far in his attempt to convincing her he's her Concerned Daddy. I, now, suggest: Record these conversations, and get to a lawyer asap, if you haven't already done so. Your ex, and his "people" are dead serious in their malicious intent.
What a number that has to do to her head, concerning her love for her little sister, and the malicious intent of power play using her as their pawn. Mind you, it also sets up a power play for her use against the both of you - mainly you, in future. She will be the one to pay the highest price, with her little sister not far behind. Lovely.
I too hope that this resolves sooner, rather than later, for you OP, but you're going to have to be much more aware, accepting thing's the way they ARE, and pro-active in your stance then merely wishing it isn't the way it is.
Pull yourself out of getting into the self-inflicted delusion that these people don't realize what they are doing because they once conned you into believing that they gave a damn about you.
Get with an attorney, record the convos, and shut down the idea in your head that your ex's sister is anyone other then who she IS: A willing participant in this malicious game. Next, shut down the idea that this has all to do with your ex's family, and that HE is in this, more so as their pawn. Bullshit. He's in it as thick as they are by choice, either with a set or lack thereof. Don't go anywhere NEAR letting his sister recant her position, because you used to be close. The relationship that was, is no longer. It's detrimental, that you go strictly NC, but for the recorded once a week calls your ex makes to your daughter.
He, and They, insisted upon setting up this playing field you're now on.
YOU control how the game will be played in YOUR court within it. The way you handle this, can and will, greatly determine, or hinder, the speed of which your personal peace, and happiness, will return.
Good luck, OP... (((Hug)))
Edit: Thank you, Tucson...  I agree with, and second, your post as well. | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:49:32 PM | | Thank-you so much, I am becoming wiser by the minute, my mother always told me that life makes you grow up faster then any thing else, and though it is a nice thought, there really isn't greatness in every one as I always preferred to believe. I have obtained cousel at everyones suggestion. He has appealed the judges decision, as his family has the money do to so, based on the intent to move there, which crazy, Yes I had agreed to move to where my son was buried, I wanted that more then anything, I was feeling at fault because living in washington I had not have the opportunity to return to even put flowers on his grave since his services, and he would have been two on the 21st of September but we were helping his mother move to from okalhoma to texas and he wasnted to help her around her new house, and since her and myfatherinlaw were having issues I also agreed to do so on a temporary basis. His mother's place was about a six hour drive from Maverick. She even knowing she was going, when she went to her sisters, and didn't even ask if I wanted to go, though I was still pregnant at that time. when everything happend and I intially reminded him that hey we were about a have a baby, I said somethingto the extent as well that you know it might mean soemthing to our daughter soem day to know you were there when she was born, he scoffed at the idea at first, but when I was up in washington a few weeks he called and said that he at least agreed with that much, and that he did want to try, it wasn't until I was back in texas and off the plane that I learned he had found seperate residence and did not care to work on anything. I could not travel anymore, I had the baby ten days after I arrived, he even drove off when I went into labor claiming I was faking it because it was his sister's birthday. He did make it to the hospital. I had her in about four hours, but I left with my girls as soon as the baby was old enough to travel when she was three weeks and was taking care of them on my own for about three and half months before I asked him for help and all of this began. So he is now claiming I fled with them, and based on the fact that both the girls were born in Texas and we were married in texas is their grounds for fighting jurisdiction. I can ex out the marriage and our oldest's birth on their side because I was in the military and that allows me to retain residency in WA and we were here for two years before we left so, our youngest birth and the intent to move there is what they are hanging onto. This is a no fault state I guess, but I subbmitted a profile from match.com that he had posted while I was still pregnant when I left the first time that stated that him and I were not getting back together, that he knew where I was going and if there were any takers he has since deleted it but my best friend had the sense outside of my own confusion to save it to her computer. Which goes against his statements, of being "absolutely shocked" I filed for divorce here, and that I fled with our daughters. I am just hoping, I know how busy the court thatthey have some ability to verify that it came from his computer when I was not there, because not thinking it was an issue after relizing I submitted it, he claimed that I posted it. I was curious about everything when I arrived here with our girls so I googled what I knew to be his online name and there it was. Don't worry I am getting stronger, they are not taking my girls. I don't care what they have. | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/3/2009 3:32:44 PM | Paragraphs, honey, paragraphs... pleeaase... 
I'm not a lawyer. Soooo... Counter with their having to prove that you created his match.com profile? Not sure how that could be done, or if, even. Thing is: Anyone can create a profile from any computer... even from the public library.
Is his pic attached to that profile? One, maybe, that was taken at a time that can be proven was taken at the same time you were still married, but can prove you were out of state at that time so that it can't be said that you had taken it? I'm not familiar with Match. Do their profiles show a "Joined Date", or maybe when they last signed in, in effort to prove a time line difficult, or impossible, for him to refute?
Meh...as far as judges, and courts, go: T'would be far more useful if you had/have incriminating emails of his, and/or from him, for sure.
What did your legal counsel say, and advise?? | |
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Posted: 11/3/2009 6:22:47 PM | | the first thing you should do is re-write this in paragraphs. | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:58:37 PM | Hang in ther Nancy-you will get through this! Wiyan | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/4/2009 2:28:21 AM | sorry if anyboby can shed some light on how to edit this I will, I just cannot seem to find it, sorry
I don't know I just think the man has taken my kindness in the interest of our daughters for stupidity His picture is attached to the profile. I know him though and there is not a doubt in my mind that he did it from our lap top, he was always on that thing, and he just figured I would not know how to find it, I think he posted it when I left the first time while I still pregnant in April, I was hoping they could trace it, my lawyer says she might have to supeona (i know that's not how you spell it) the website, and if need be I think I could get ahold of our bus tickets from that time through grey hound or our plane tickets from when I left with both of them to prove my location. I just know if the court would take the trouble to do that this would all be over, and I hope they do as it is a very serious allegation against me. I have no e-mails, he always kept seperate passwords for seperate accounts though.
He got into mine however. I was under his parents aol account and when I could no longer get into it (My password had been Maverick since his birth, and never changed, it was also saved in the computer down there's memory) but I don't have anything to hide, I did have a myspace account as well, and once he had control of my e-mail all he had to do was click the forgot password icon and have it sent to the email I signed up with which was that aol account, my lawyer is doing what she can to get those back for me, though I have since opened new ones.
She has told me not to worry and that a judge will not reverse himself unless there is some extraordinary finding(like I did drugs for years, or have a history of abuse something that would undermine my children's well being) which there never will be, so for now I am just sitting tight and waiting for the judge's decision on the appeal, and then we can proceed from there. I just want this done. I have some hefty decisions to make, I know they have to visit their father eventually, but my youngest will be over a year old when summer rolls around, won't that be like handing her to a stranger? I don't know I just don't want her to be scared without me | |
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| What to do now?/
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:11:49 AM | I would think that if your lawyer can get the proof through Match, that he's been lieing, and to such an extent as he has - proving malicious intent, then I would think that it'd be that much easier, and likely, for you to be granted that his and/or his family's visitation be supervised. I'm hoping so, anyway.
One step at a time. First the appeal decision, then go from there.
Keep your chin up!
Try your best to keep your nerves in check, staying positive, shutting down all contact from these nasty people except for the strict minimum of his weekly call to your daughter, and just take the best care you can of yourself, and your girls.
Oh, and stay on top of your lawyer.
(( Hug )) ... Best wishes for you, and your girls, and keep us posted!
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Editing: On the left of your post, under your user name, you will see: Edit Post - click that, and it will take you back into your post. Mind you have only 15 mins to edit a post from the time you had posted it. | |
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