| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 10:45:25 PM | | Hi, I won't mention any specific men, but this is my latest experience from a guy from this site. Spoke to this one guy for almost 5 days before meeting, spent a lot of time conversing. We met for breakfast and everything was going well, good conversation and we both seemed happy with each other. Before we even finished breakfast, he was asking if I wanted to see him again. We went to a few other places after breakfast, went to lunch, took in some local sites, we were with each other about 7 hours all together. Before I was going to take myself home, he asked when will he see me again, and we made a tentative date. We got along the whole time we were together. He was attentive and seemed genuinely interested in me. The next day, in the evening, I called him just to say hello, he didn't answer his phone (unusual) and I left a short pleasant voice mail. The next day, he still didn't call. Didn't call me back at all. How can you be that enthusiastic about seeing me again and then do a complete turn-around and change your mind like this. I am confused. I could understand if he didn't express any interest in seeing me again that I wouldn't hear from him. Another guy, not on this site, but another popular one, told me he was so happy he met me, we saw each other for 3 months, told me how much he missed me when he didn't see me, then gets a call from his ex girlfriend, and then tells me he's going back with his ex. Seems like a lot of single men out there just don't really know what they want. Or maybe someone out there has a better answer??? | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:04:02 PM | funn,
i wish i had an answer. it's just beyond baffling when someone acts *so* interested, yet they're not. i would think the easiest thing to do would just have a 1 to 2 hr polite meeting with no over-the-top behavior if not interested. i could even understand a "i'll call you" at the end of said "polite" meeting. this 7-hr stuff with mushy, gushy behavior is simply inexplicable.
i do think the comment about his gf was just an excuse to let you down easily.
btw, i'm sure you'll get some comments to the effect, "when he got home, he had 2nd thoughts." that makes no sense, either. people know if they're into you very quickly.
i so frequently see posts to this effect...but have yet to see a really logical answer. the closest thing might the sex thing...or something "better" came along. that still doesn't really explain the way overboard behavior though. i'll be waiting to see if anyone comes up with some really convincing answer. i'd love to know too! | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:06:01 PM | | Seven hours is a long time to spend on a first date. Sounds like it went well though. Sorry to hear the second didnt work out. It does seem odd for someone to ask for a second date and not follow through. The only time I think this can be misleading is someone saying, I had a good time, Ill call you, as they are leaving. In these circumstances it is confusing and misinterpreted and shouldnt be said if its being said as a curtiousy and not really a follow through. People say "Ill call you" but they never do. I would say if someone said it without specifying a day, then it is not something to count on. I would expect somone to call if they said, "I will call you on Tuesday evening" | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:11:49 PM | | I'm guessing the first one was already in a relationship...he was probably curious about you and bored...and considering you guys did have a super date...had that happen to me...it was my longest date ever...blading the wall, turned to drinks at a pub, to a drive to whistler up until dinner the following day...turns out he had a gf/fiancee...go figure...she just hadn't moved here yet...which I didn't find out until months later when he pulled a disappearing/not as available as he used to be act...and this was someone who would say to me "be good" when I was off somewhere!?!? As for the second one...atleast he communicated to you his situation... | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:15:42 PM | I know what I want. I know what I DONT want
Those two guys you referred to just didnt want you.
Two guys... NOT all men.
Ok.. THREE guys dont want you.. Add ME to that list.. but not that there is anything WRONG with you.. I just cant take that many days off to fly there to spend time with you if we started dating.
I'll say it right now.. for ALL the other women on POF to see..
I DONT WANT FUNNBEAR. Dont worry about dating me.. you WONT LOSE ME TO FUNNBEAR. I wont go back to her. I'll NEVER text her again. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:21:36 PM | | Maybe you exhaust the poor bugger and killed him LOL He didn't answer the phone the next day and didn't call back LOL Make a voooodooo doll of him and start poking, that might make you feel better Haha | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/1/2009 11:41:18 PM |
Why do men do this?
The question has to be "why did THIS man do this" please. Not every man remains a kid. Under your circumstances I'd chalk it up to immaturity, insecurity and your basic cowardice. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:51:19 AM | Its easy... Something better panned out. I have talked to SOOO many men for the sake of simply wanting to know what makes them tick, especially on dating sites. And he had a bite from someone better OR is already in a relationship.. One or the other. Those seemed to be the two responses when I have asked the same question over and over and I believe got very candid honest answers.
HOWEVER, women on dating sites do the exact same thing!!
Its the nature of the beast we call "internet dating"........
^T^ | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:48:49 AM | so you spent seven hours with the guy and had a great time. and vice versa. the only difference between the two of you is, that was the end of it for him (for whatever reason) but meanwhile, you're sitting there projecting the entire course of a "relationship" with him based on your first meeting which -- rather freakishly -- lasted seven hours.
did you believe you didn't get a fair return on your investment? but of course. ;) why else would you be so disappointed.
you'd be a whole lot better off if you approached this dating thing in a more open-ended manner. stop projecting. a good 1st date doesn't necessarily mean a 2nd one with the same person is going to happen. first of all, you don't know these guys even if you DO spend seven hours at a stretch with them the first day out of the box. secondly, a lot of people (not gender-specific by any means) on dating sites are damaged goods -- either they can't maintain a relationship -- or they just got out of one and, as you discovered, want to run straight back to the old familiar the second they get half an opportunity to do so. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:54:35 AM | Sorry to ask this question. Did you at any point give this man any indication you were interested? Twice you mentioned he wanted to go out on another date,did you give him reassurance,or were you acting indifferent? Was there any hand holding?
How did you actually end this date? You spent 7 hours with this man, did you at least passionately kiss him?
Twice you`ve been jilted by two different men, yet you want to blame them!
What about you? How exactly are you showing these men you like them and want to be with them as well?
All men like to hear what their lover feels. Regardless,if it`s hugging,kissing or just talking a man likes to know he`s not the only one showing emotion.
In the case of the man you spent 7 hours with. He sure as heck gave you every indication he liked you, yet, you really never revealed anything about you`re feelings.. No big make out session or anything? Interesting... First dates are no more than 3 hours in my opinion. Reason is to see if there is chemistry. The 2nd date is to see if everything you felt on the 1st in now reconfirmed and the feelings should be stronger than the last! | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:57:08 AM | | Well lets not just say all men do this because they dont and I have come across some females who do the exact same thing. So I know what your talking about and yes it does get confusing and it sucks. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 5:17:15 AM | Based on your photo, I was gearing my advice toward a youngster but a click of the profile shows you're more toward my own age.
In that case, my guess is maybe you're doing like I did when I started out with the online thingy -- bringing forward a set of behaviors & expectations from real-life dating, that will now work against you.
Things are much more fluid in the internet world + gaming & flaking is so common that it could be called the norm.
I don't mean you should accept disrespectful treatment of any kind. I do mean you should resolve to not buy stock in an internet guy until he turns into a real guy. Meanwhile, keep living your life. You're gonna need it.
AND 7 hours is NOT freaky for a first date if it's going well. I don't mean huggy bear & kissy face, I mean when you connect comfortably, you're excited to get to know each other, and are having the time of your lives. You leave yourself an out to end quickly if there's no connection; but no need to limit it to an arbitrary pre-determined duration either. I've had 12-hour first dates and it's no big whoop as long as you don't relax your safety precautions. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 5:25:52 AM | AND 7 hours is NOT freaky for a first date if it's going well
It may not be "freaky" but it many cases it can really be over load. I can't read this guys mind but after talking for 5 days and then a 7 hour date he was just feeling very overwhelmed. Sure it would be great if he could have discussed it with you and if I were him I would.
Next time let a breakfast date end at the end of breakfast. Don't talk so much before a date. I know how it is to feel excited when you are really into someone but it's important to have some self control. Having shorter and more normal dates lets both of you think about each other and build anticipation towards the next time. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 5:30:20 AM | They do it because of the way dating is. To get anywhere with a woman you have to be all good all the time and say what she wants to hear and make her feel special, or else she won't feel a connection. You know how to do that from having dated lots of women. Most of the guys she dates won't know how so they just sort of go along and she is not exactly impressed. The guys who can impress will seem great at first for doing all the right things. But then what are you doing in return? Probably not much more than merely allowing them to pay you attention. You are judging them, deigning to be with them, watching for red flags, and the best compliment you can come up with is that they are not as bad as most men you date. The man is waiting to see what he gets from you. He can't ask or require anything because the style of dating is the kiss-the-woman's-ass style. He can only be charming and wonderful and then see what you do for him. When he sees that you don't do it for him, he goes looking for someone else and tries with her. There is no point in telling you anything about it so he just stops contact. The first time you see him do something "wrong" is when he has decided to stop doing everything right (your way).
Dating works better when people are just straight up from the start, both saying what they want and also wanting to know and satisfy the other. You get less fairly tale dates that way but you avoid these sudden drop off the face of the Earth endings. Looking for Mr. Right and that magical chemistry comes with this kind of buttocks smooching followed by the disappearing act. If you want a more realistic and less confusing dating experience, don't ask for or lap up the charm, like where you have a man spend 7 hours catering to your ego at every step and turn. Men do it because they are jumping through hoops, then when the prize wasn't worth it they go find another set of hoops to jump through. Why do women do this? It takes two. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 5:33:21 AM | | Hey I went one a date awhile back and it lasted five hours and thats shocking for me but anyway I am still friends with that person still. We talk every now and then so it's not the length of the date it's the chemistry because either its there or its not. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 5:57:03 AM | It's best to keep a first meeting short in inexpensive and go separate ways. People tend to change their minds or reconsider or go over things once they leave and from there decide what they want to do.
Sometimes a second date isn't possible after a first "date" of 7 hours - there's not much mystery left or stuff to talk about. For a guy who's not going to call again, it's not worth your time to be somewhere 7 hours. Always leave wanting more.
Bottom line is that if you and a guy really match, none of this will matter though. He'll do what he says he's gonna do and there'll be no question. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:46:44 AM | [Spoke to this one guy for almost 5 days before meeting, spent a lot of time conversing.]
Maybe it's just me, but I don't find that 5 days talking online is "a lot of time". I like to talk with someone a bit longer than that. I find you can find out alot about a person through their written words. But I do have to say, I would of been disappointed as well if I had spent what seemed to be 7 nice hours enjoying the company of someone and them then offering false hope of another meeting only to take the cowardly way out by not even offering an explanation.
I prefer honesty. If you don't feel that things will work out at any level then be honest and say that you don't think this will go any farther. I spent a month talking with someone on POF through emails before even talking on the phone. We finally met for breakfast, had a nice visit and he asked me out again for the next morning. We spent over 9 hours sitting in perkins talking and sharing stories about our life. The relationship lasted over 2 years. Although somewhere along the line we both came to the conclusion that our wants and needs had changed, those 2 years were nice.
Had I been in your shoes, I would of been disappointed but would of then thought to myself " boy, did he miss out on a good thing". | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:59:29 AM | Quote
You chatted for 5 days then talked for 7 hours. You didn't leave him curious about you, he knew everything he wanted. You didn't say anything about having fun, just that you talked & talked. 7 hours is way too much. You should have cut it off at 2 & left him wondering about you. Three 2 hour dates are much better. Next time stop talking so much & have fun.
As for the second guy, sheat happens. Quote
I don't believe it has to be that strategic.
If the two of you are comparable and a good match, to much time together is not the issue or the cause of him not answering your calls.
I don't believe 2 hours together or 7 hours would have changed the outcome.
This guy is either a lier of just flakey. | |
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| Confused & upset - Why do men do this?
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:15:24 AM |
Women do this as well.
Don't ask me why because I don't read minds.
I actually know how to read minds. And it's very easy. Most people are in a state of getting over someone, avoiding anyone, or wanting to be with someone. Actually those three things are playing in your head. So the mind of a person dating resembles a bowl of Spaghetti, with chunky meatballs stuck in and out of the thing.
That's it. That is the mess that you are dealing with. That is your own head thinking that you know what you want and all that.
Probably the safest state of mind is when we guard our feelings, but unfortunately when the gates are close, then nothing comes in either. And when we open them we become vulnerable.
The problem I think the OP and her date were having was what I call information overload. This happens a lot to people, that because they fear the person they may meet may not be "The One", they spend way too much time on email or the phone before the first meeting. So they create an illusion of "the one" in their heads. This is wrong, because everything that is said goes out the window, because it does not add to the attraction but to the distorted image you have in your hear of the person you are about to meet. Then this is what happens. People have scripts that they follow. Their whole life is a mix of memories that make up who they are. They have the tendency to tell those stories in a particular pattern. The pattern always tend to be the same. When you give away all your stories and anecdotes before the first meet, they become lost, because when you repeat them in person, you come across as scripted, repeating yourself, and in a way boring. You spend time, saying to the other person, or yourself. "Yeah, you told me that."
Now imagine 5 days on the phone. What can you say in person? Then you spend 7 hours together. Doing what? The reason first dates last from an hour to a couple of hours is because you need alone time to simmer all the information without the pressure of the other person being there. It has to be a complete mental process in which you add the new Spaghetti and a couple of chunks of memory meat in there and see if it will work with the rest of a mess that constitute our heads. And this is what happens. Before it had a chance, it played itself out. You go, I like this person, but.... And the comparison always ends in But...
That is why I am an advocate of two things. One, do not waste time on the internet or the phone. The moment you find a good connection, meet. I am not big with the coffee date, but that is my choice. Meet, spend a couple of hours if it's good, then leave. Spend time simmering the information. Do I have the desire to see this person again, now that he/she is away. Is the desire strong enough, or more like take it or leave it? | |
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