| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:47:40 AM | I'm fairly new at long-term relationships... I've only had two that were over a year long. The last one ended in February with my boyfriend calling me, and saying he no longer missed me (I was an hour away from him, so I always drove up to spend the weekends in his city). Two weeks later, I was near him visiting friends. He ended up holding me during a movie, then pulling away, then cuddling with me in his bedroom as he told me he didn't love me anymore. I broke down horribly and left soon after, only to come back the next morning to say goodbye again, looking like hell. I had decided to move to California following the break-up, so it was the last time I saw him.
It's been several months, and I'm still so hurt over this. I want another relationship and know he wasn't right for me, but I'm afraid I'll screw the next one up. I don't know what I did wrong. I never asked for anything, never complained, let him do his own thing, accepted him. And I got dumped, after a year, with no warning. I've tried to IM him once since the break-up... he wouldn't even talk to me. He's single and we have lots of mutual friends, so I know it wasn't another girl.
If I just knew what had prompted this behavior, I could move on. Can someone help? I feel so dumb dwelling on this several months after he's forgotten I exist, but I feel like there's something horribly wrong with me and I'm missing it. Can anyone offer a thought? | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:59:21 AM | Im not going to try and be an expert on anything that has happened, just my thoughts. From what I can see he touched you on a very deep emotional level, and you where not ready to give up on that connection. You had no jhand in the ending of the relationship from what you had said, he was the one who ended it so you should has no worries about screwing up the next one. If you do and the person cannot get over your follies, than yet again that person is not for you. This game we call love is just go fish, you keep looking for a card that will fit with yours, you keep looking until you find a pair and live and love. Well I hope that helps, just keep trying you will succed in the end!
Adure.
Josh | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:00:07 AM | sometimes there are things wrong with us that we just cant see and it takes some trial and error before we realize what it is our self or some one insightfull brings it to ower attention.
That is,if there IS something wrong with you that caused the break up.
Maybe hes just not" feelin it" anymore for ya and there is nothing wrong with you. | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:19:03 AM | | There are very few people in this world who can simply fall out of love someone - it's not a lightbulb, one cannot simply switch it off. Ultimately I think there are 2 major types of "breakup". Those where you know the reasons for it, and those where you have no idea why. He infact told you that he did not love you anymore, theres your reason. If you are looking for a reason as to why he don't love you anymore, unfortunately, thats the problem. You may never find out why. Maybe he was bored, maybe he felt inadequate for whatever reason, perhaps he felt guilty you came to see him at his place all the time (sorry, but I'm assuming that he didn't come to see you at your place). You think that if you knew what prompted his behaviour, you could move on, but as insane as it sounds, it may even make it worse... I think the best thing you can do (and yes I know its easier said that done) try not to dwell on it. Stay single for a while, hang out with friends/family, play the field, concentrate on work... whatever it is you do when your not in a relationship. Live your life, and while it hurts now? I promise you, it gets alot easier. | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:25:35 AM | So....
Your looking for that one piece of crap that you did to blame this all on yourself. Hmmm...
Your looking to find so desperately what you did wrong- oh my god! I loved him too much. Oh my god! I did everything for him including driving a long way to see HIM!
Oh my god! I did everything for him- showed him CONSTANTLY how much I loved him.
Soo...
One day he tells you its over. Just like that. Some lame fccking excuse you were too much. Too smothering. Blah blah blah.
Wake up beautiful.
He is not worth you. Lots of guys love women who PAY ATTENTION to them.
You did nothing. You showed your feelings. See him for what he is- a man who could not SEE your worth. | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:25:57 AM | I am normally very flippant and silly/goofy, but I felt your heartbreak, so I thought maybe I should take this one sseriously.
I am not an expert on people, I leave all that stuff to the People Experts, but I did read your profile, and you seem pretty awesome. There's nothing at all wrong with you. Never let anyone tell you that there is.  | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:24:58 AM | | How come if he is the one who ended the relationship you think it was you who did something wrong? You can do things right and the other person might still decide to end it, for some reason other than what you did or didn't do. There is no keeping a relationship going by doing all the right things. The basic foundation of a relationship is when both people want it. Each has their own reasons. Some of those reasons have nothing to do with you, and you have no control over them. It sucks that you guys didn't talk about things enough to know what he was thinking. But don't take it personally when someone changes their mind. It's their mind that is changing. You didn't do anything wrong. They changed. | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:40:26 AM | Oh shug you are 20 yrs old...
You are gorgeous, and yet you have a kink in your thinking which is some esteem issue...
You and he lived an hour away, you gave him your all, and HE gave you a bit of his time and affection... Pfffttt he might have found some squeeze closer to home, it happens, if he is as young as you, he's out sowing his wild oats as much and as fast as he can...
You don't own that, nor did you do anything wrong...
Hun you will have plenty of time to have break ups, both from your end or theirs... It is how life is, and how we learn what we want and don't want in a partner... As well we find things that don't work for us, or our emotions just change without making a lot of sense...
You are hurting, so let yourself heal... You don't have a time frame as to when you are supposed to be done feeling hurt, nor do you have a time limit on when you should find someone else...
We don't know you, so we can't tell if there is something horribly wrong with you, perhaps you pick your teeth at a restaurant with the steak knife... Perhaps you burst out laughing that turns into a honk and snort... These are things we don't know, and perhaps they are off putting.. HOWEVER I don't get that impression...
Do yourself a favor and fall in love with YOU... Learn to accept all the good and or not so good about you... If you have things to improve on, then do it... HOWEVER if you are thinking you are to fat, or don't have the perfect body, kick that out of your mind....
Learn to enjoy the person you are, and where you are taking your life... Romance will happen, and when it does you will then have the esteem to know whether or not the person is WORTHY of you...
Good luck hun
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:40:12 AM | "Two weeks later, I was near him visiting friends. He ended up holding me during a movie, then pulling away, then cuddling with me in his bedroom as he told me he didn't love me anymore."
He sounds like an ass who was playing games with you. Don't give him another thought. You will find someone who is worthy of you. | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:50:42 AM | Kat...There is absolutely nothing wrong with you babe! Sometimes we just cant understand or work out why a guy would treat us this way! Its wrong and not fair to do that to anyone! My advise to you is to carry on being the good person that you are....try to put it behind you! You cant change the past! In life you get knocked down so many times and you feel that you cant take anymore, but you have to lick your wounds and give yourself some time and love to heal your wounds!
You take care! Spend some time with people who really care for you and one day you will notice that you have stopped thinking about him! | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:56:58 AM | " NOTHING " ! Finding the right one is hard . By letting " GO " is hard to do,but by finding someone else to be with,you are dragging your old doubts of you being tainted. This is common feeling that everyone goes thru after someone gives their heart and soul into a relationship. By listening to your heart you gave your ex a control over your self worth. You now need to move forward,forget the jerk,and find someone who will give the same equal time you desire. You way to new a dating to hide from the males out there that would glady love you. By giving yourself a break on the emotional upset,dropping the doubts that you collected, you" ll be ready to re-enter the world of love. Everyone out here on POF site has gone thru the same pain you are dealing with, Go out and be you!
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 12:26:19 PM | With guys, it's never that complicated.
1. You infringed upon his freedom in a way he wasn't happy with.
2. You offered no challenge to him intellectually or opposed any of his views.
3. Another woman caught his eye, whether he has her now or is pursuing.
4. Sex was infrequent or pedestrian for his long term liking.
5. To sum up, your future prospects did not match his... see 1-4. | |
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bwongz
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Joined: 10/22/2009
Msg: 13 | |
| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:04:24 PM | | My only advice is to not dwell on the past and live in the present. I doubt there's anything wrong with you. Everyone is different and has their own demons to deal with. People who truly care about you would be with you no matter what. Let it go and embrace new experiences! | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:15:29 PM | OP .... just stop trying to figure out "what is wrong with me".
I doubt there is all that much *wrong.
There is no more wrong with YOU than with any of us.
Just be the most logical being you can be ....... yourself.
We are not mean to "line up" line for line with everyone. The sooner we accept that the better.
Your special guy is out there. If you two bump into each other - you still won't line up perfect but both of you will kind of dig the differences.
Just drop the "what is wrong with me" .......... too much of that makes us all nutz. Like yourself and others will join in.
--------
On a hobby site (forums) I visit. Some guy ask "does it make me a nerd if I" ........
My reply was "what is wrong with being a nerd?" | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:31:04 PM | Kat -
LANCASTER? Of ALL the places to move to in CA you chose LANCASTER?
Ok.. didnt mean to step on the desert toes there. It IS sort of BFE and filled with a lot of foreclosed upon rednecks.. but we wont go there.
I could probably provide some really good insights to what went wrong with the last guy.
I could probably also give you some life-planning ideas too.
I've gotten a little tired of trying to help someone sincerely on this forum, only to have the haters gang up on some of the realities and truths I point out.
Call me Dr. Toughlove
Email me if you want.. and give me the REST of the background to how it all started with the last guy.. and we can take it from there. | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:37:35 PM | | Your worried about boyfriends at your age.... live your life...dont worry about boys...figure out what you want to do for a career, and have fun with your girlfriends...heartache over a boy will age you quickly....very quickly...dont worry about the why's....consider it a blessing...and move forward... | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:18:21 PM | | honestly Kat, i know it's hard to move on because things take time to heal, there is nothing wrong with you except your man didn't like you anymore for some reason, and I know you want closure, most women on here wants that, but without being in that man's head nobody can possibly find out that closure, even if he did tell you the reason it still could be a bunch of BS. and stop worrying about screwing the next one up, your thinking too far down the line, "self doubt" is the real enemy here. I say just enjoy your life in cali and follow whatever dream it was that took you there, the next man will appreciate you I promise. | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:18:57 PM | I'm not going to try to guess what was wrong in your past relationship OP because I want to try to help you move on... I well remember being your age and thinking whenever something went wrong, that it must be my fault.
Years later, I realized that I was literally making everything be my fault so that I could control it or at least, its outcome. If I had to accept that I could not control him (whoever "him" was at the time), then I also had to accept that the only person I could control was me. I was actually owning everything because if I did that, then I could simply change something about myself in order to "fix" whatever was wrong. I hated not having control so, I simply blamed myself in order to be able to fix things. Of course, back then, I didn't realize what I was actually doing.
Now, you have gone back over what YOU did in your mind (i.e. "I never asked for anything, never complained, let him do his own thing, accepted him. And I got dumped, after a year, with no warning.") as though you think that if you had not done any one of these things, THEN he might have had reason to break off with you but the reality is that, you did not control ANY of those things in his life and you most certainly, did not own his reaction to any of it.
When you're ready to be in a relationship, you will have looked at what you can control and those things that are beyond your control. You will realize that there are 2 people in every relationship and both have to want it for it to work. Bringing it back into your control by blaming yourself so that you can actually "fix" it, doesn't work.
When you come to peace with that, you will be ready to square your shoulders, thank the powers that be for the good times you shared with someone and know that you are a better person for having loved, regardless of the outcome.
Good luck to you! | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:34:34 PM | Hi Kat,
I totally hear you girl, I've asked myself that question a million times. One thing I have learned though, is if you're still asking that question, it's too soon for another relationship.
Once you realize there's nothing wrong with you, that it was just the wrong guy (not the bad guy, just the wrong one) you'll be ready to move on with someone new.
Caring about someone is awesome, but caring about yourself first, and really understanding yourself are the foundation of any relationship. Once you're able to accept your own fabulousness, then it's time to move one. For now, you're just moving.
Spend time with friends that love you, enjoy the small things in life, watch happy movies to cheer you up, and sad ones when you need a good cry. Take care of you.
Jen | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:43:33 PM | | You guys are great... I appreciate your thoughts on this. I think it helps just to know I'm not alone. Thanks for lending an ear! | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:47:12 PM |
Oh my god! I did everything for him- showed him CONSTANTLY how much I loved him.
For some of us that is smothering and its a fast way to get the
-(i dont love you anymore)-
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:01:20 PM | You know- when you don't react then we are cold, distant or whatever.
When we do react we are smothering.
You know. Fcck it man. You can't Win.
I am convinced some of you just don't know what you want.
You whine about- " she won't touch me." " she won't do this". "she won't pay attention to me" wah wah.
You cry big tears on theses forums then when we respond to your needs- show you love then its interpreted As smothering?
You can't win. This is getting too hard.
This sucks. Why bother.
Honey- don't listen to this bullshit. Be yourself.
If he interprets it As "smothering" tell him to go find himself some cold bitch who treats him like shit.
Apparently you need to be a stepford or a manequin. | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:13:08 PM | ^^^^^
the trick is to have a balance,
not one extreme to another as youve described | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:31:29 PM | I thought stepfords WERE mannequins. Hmmmm
Isnt there a third choice? Like being a fully developed grown adult woman? | |
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| What's wrong with me?
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:48:47 PM |
You know- when you don't react then we are cold, distant or whatever.
When we do react we are smothering.
You know. Fcck it man. You can't Win.
I am convinced some of you just don't know what you want.
You whine about- " she won't touch me." " she won't do this". "she won't pay attention to me" wah wah.
You cry big tears on theses forums then when we respond to your needs- show you love then its interpreted As smothering?
You can't win. This is getting too hard.
This sucks. Why bother.
Honey- don't listen to this bullshit. Be yourself.
If he interprets it As "smothering" tell him to go find himself some cold **** who treats him like shit.
I agree completely. Be yourself, enjoy and live your life. If the right guy for you comes along then great! Honestly though, you don't need one to complete your life that's your job. Take, care my friend | |
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