| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:02:17 AM | Ok, this might sound high-schoolish but here goes:
Through my previous line of work as a health interpreter I met this young doctor whom I developed a crush on. ... anyhow since my work only allowed me to meet him on few occasions I was never quite sure if he was married, taken or single. I thought on several occasions to ask the folks who worked closer to him about his marital status, but always chickened out at the last minute thinking, "What if he IS married? How foolish would that have been!" ... Hence I never worked up the gulls to ask. He is quite youngish (perhaps early to mid-thirties) so it made me think that perhaps he is still single. But on the flip side -- being in the profession that he is in and with his boyish good looks I just sorta came to the conclusion that the chances of someone like him being single was perhaps next to none!
* Note: I know for sure his faith is not Christian or any western faith so no point in looking at ring on finger -which he didn't have any on for that matter.* ... He always was cheerful and struck up polite conversation (well perhaps I am giving myself too much credit as being an interpreter, one HAS to talk! lol) ..... and perhaps it was my silly "I'm-having-a-crush side" of me but I always felt he took the time to explain more than he had to with the medical procedures when he was discharging patients -- which prolonged the amount of conversing that I had to do as a go-between w/ him & the patient ... which made me have the faintest inkling *hope* that perhaps he might have liked me too?? lol ... Other doctors I interpreted for didn't really explain as much as he did!
Well in sumarry, I guess you could say I didn't want to risk looking the fool so I never worked up enough guts to ask. ... But say if I did and found out that he is in fact a married man, how could I have composed myself so as not appear so foolish or desperate??
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:10:17 AM | Sometimes finding out a persons marital status doesn' have to be so blatant as, "are you married"... I have found clever lead ins, and might find a lead into I bet your wife is really proud of you, or how did your wife learn to get through the long hours you keep at the hospital...
That way you don't come across as desperately seeking single Dr... So what if he says "I am not married", I would then think you node, and say something like well then I guess that gives you time to unwind without worrying about your spouse... Or what ever...
My point is this, there are clever ways to inquire about one thing, but really be looking for a different answer....
If you come across sincere about what you are asking, instead of sounding like you are on a fishing expedition, then it will go unnoticed that your real intent was to find out if he was married..
Just a thought | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:13:30 AM | You can be interested and curious without being foolish and desperate. How do you compose yourself when you are interested and curious? The only person who is calling you foolish and desperate is you. Don't be foolish or desperate in the first place. Be interested and wanting to know if he is available.
I find you to be very interesting. Are you single and available?
OH GOD NO I WOULD DIE BEFORE I SAID THAT. gasp.
Um, OK. | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:13:32 AM | I dunno... but it probably would have created many awkward moments during your work together, making it more than "uncomfortable". That's why it's never a good idea...
Keep your love and work life separated. | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:13:38 AM | ^^^ Oh good lord nexthyme!!! why didn't I think of THAT!! *palm-to-face!* LOL Quite simple yet my nervousness got the better of me I guess! .... I shall have to keep that one in mind if ever I come across any scenario similar to this!!
Thanks a bunch!  | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:37:14 AM |
But say if I did and found out that he is in fact a married man, how could I have composed myself so as not appear so foolish or desperate??
Umm, I don't seeing how asking someone's marital/relationship status makes you appear foolish or desperate??
No offense, but before you try nexthyme's suggestion/s, you might want to work on your maturity & self esteem because quite frankly, the way that you put it, it DOES sound high school-ish. | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:11:24 AM | | Maybe ASK and not worry of reactions so much. Is it fear of rejection too? Maybe ur beginnings of a fantasy will be crushed if he is but to let ur desires to keep building toward him without knowing, is only gonna create internal conflicts. Make u crazy...lol. You could somehow bring subject of things outn by revealing something about u in a conversation then asking if its same for him. | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:27:15 AM | | Don't act like a high school girl when you're asking him and it won't come across that way. | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 9:57:10 AM | In my never-to-be-so-humble-my-message-is-lost opinion
You do NOTHING.
This is a WORK environment. One doesnt make feces where one dines.
The women's movement has made for an ALMOST-hostile work environment where if a man even COMMENTS something like "Nice outfit" or some other recognition of a woman's APPEARANCE, the woman can sue for sexual harrassment.
Now that the workplace HAS been made a fertile ground for liability.. the knife has to cut both ways.
You should NOT inquire about his marital status.. or try to "read into" anything he is doing of a PROFESSIONAL NATURE, such as "taking time to explain the procedure" as having ANYTHING to do with YOU.
Be grateful he is THIS detailed and informative TO THE PATIENT... since so many doctors these days have NO PEOPLE SKILLS.
Now.. in general.. I ALWAYS recommend to women they use very very very SUBTLE ways to let a man know there is a smidgen of interest.
IF a man is INTO YOU.. and INTERESTED.. then he will pursue. If YOU virtually THROW yourself at him.. you are advertising MORE of a bootycall neediness than a desire for a RELATIONSHIP.
Men NEED the challenge. Take it away.. and men get lazy.
Oh.. OP.. just an observation. You make a LOT of airy-fairy harlequineque postings on here that SEEM to show your head in the clouds in your approach to men/women, love/sex etc.. I mean.. schoolgirl CRUSH in the workplace? GIRLISH thinking takes away from ALL the PROFESSIONAL ACCOMPLISHMENTS that women have fought for.
Just sayin | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:01:13 AM | I can see that you really do have your eye on this guy since you sure do sound like a girl in high school! It must be nice to re-live that feeling again, yes?
All of your “sorta, coulda, woulda” aside, the bottom line is for you to just remain who you are and be yourself. I realize those may sound like “nice words that don’t really mean much” but if you like him, invite him for coffee and while over coffee, gently bring up the topic of a partner in his life. For ex., you could say something like “This job can get so demanding at times that if I had a boyfriend, I am sure he would miss me at times, how about you”?
I can see that asking him out for coffee might be quite demanding for you as it will take you wayyyy out of comfort level but, one can only imagine that as you get older, certain situations will push you to grow past the barriers you have always lived in :) | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:21:08 AM | ^^^ 1kindman - thanks for the bash -- err I mean honest opinion. Now before you come to a conclusion about me (or my online persona for that sake) firstly I have never dated from the workplace -- though I will not rule that out completely -- I would try to seek romantic pursuits elsewhere first if I can help it. Not sure if this makes any difference but in my above particular scenario, I wasn't "stationed" at this hospital. It was only a per-contract-basis. Hence its not every day that I am there.
Secondly, despite what I wrote in the initial post, I never really believed any of the oh-so-cliched "dating rules" (ie., let the man make the first move, wait three days to call, etc) as every scenario is different and different process-of-actions will apply. And yes, I've been the first to ask guys out before and whatnot. It was never any different from them asking me out first. I do not display myself as desperate or easy or whatever other generalizations that may come to mind to those who are extremely traditional in this approach. I take things with an open mind. All possibilites are possible until a conclusion has come forth.
Gee so much for askin second opinions when I can answer my own!  | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:29:33 AM | | I was attracted to someone with a high position at a church, I noticed he did not have a ring on his finger. I asked one of the women at the church about him, I trust that she is discreet. I simply said "So and so is attractive, is he married?" I got my answer. Even if she were to tell him that I had asked, what difference does it make. | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:36:37 AM | deborah815 -- yep, thats how I felt with this scenario. Obviously my work was in a more subordinate position, perhaps that was another factor that made me have to second-guess myself.
Anyhow, you go-girl! I like how you put it. Not overthinking and just ask! 
Edit: To JP111 -- I was responding to 1kindman not you! lol actually your advice was constructive & useful. = ) | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:20:52 AM | A beautiful young woman just began working in sales at my office I was curious about her marital status/availability. So I got a group of my co-workers to go out drinking on Friday night and she was there, during the evening questions came up about current relationships, kids and such and my questions were answered.
However, if you want to understand this from a man's perspective, we're at a bar I walk up to a woman ask if she'd like a drink she declines saying she's waiting for her boyfriend/SO or whatever. This is common for men, we are often rejected by women because they are taken. Sometimes you need to just ask. | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:20:26 PM | BlueSeas relax, I think you handled everything fine.
You were curious about his status so you found out before you went to far out flirting.
Nothing out of line there.
If he sensed your attraction, he probably enjoyed it as much as you.
It was probably very cool for him to talk about his work to someone who was interested.
Us guys are vain that why.
So all in all, any embarrassment was avoided and you're not asking advice for digging out of a mess. which how most of these questions go.
And yes, as the above lady said, it is OK to ask about a S.O. in conversation.
It doesn't mean you want to jump a guy when asking(even if you're thinking about it).
LOL | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 4:27:00 PM | Here's my take on it! And Often I have missed opportunities (I suspect) for being a chicken!
If there is obvious chemistry back and forth, go for it. NEVER, EVER involve anyone else in the process! Unless, it is done in a very, very covert manner. I recently got a whole bunch of enlightening information about a "woman of interest" from a mutual woman friend who just likes to go on and on about other people! I took her out for a coffee (cheap information lol) and got everything I needed to know!
If it's just YOU that has attraction for that person with no reason to suspect that they do, for you, then I would probably leave it alone. Or give them some, "in" that they could pursue, if interested in you. Like asking some kind of semi-personal questions. Are you from around here? They could respond by asking you the same thing, or they could say something like, well my spouse is from around here! | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:05:48 PM | | I see nothing foolish about the "Are you married?" question. It may be more difficult to ask it when you've known the person for quite a while, but still... Asking "Are you married" doesn't translate into "would you date me" right away. At least not in my straightforward world. But you could ask him "Where did you grow up? ... Do you have any family here?" At that point, any normal married person would tell you that they have a spouse. But you wouldn't necessarily find out if he had a girfriend. | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 7:06:59 PM | "Keep your love and work life separated."
This is always sage advice. For SO many reasons, many of us spend more time in the workplace or in work enviroment than we do anywhere else. It's a more vulnerable situation for as many reasons. It's the breeding grounds for bad decisions, regretted impulses when someone gives into them.
Best to keep work with all associated with it, professional. And your social self and life separate.
I just went to a company function, full paid bar with coworkers and clients. I went and had a good time, and yeah..pfft...well they were glad I went and had fun with me. Thing IS I drew that line for myself.
I socialize with people that I work and/or clients, by definition on a very limited basis. Never regretted it.
It's not just about you, you don't know this person outside of your shared work environment, so he could be a totally different person and enjoying that.
Not saying it can't or doesn't happen, the odds...in my lifetime, very slim and very limited.
Keep work at work, socialize, but know that it's up to you which relationship takes precedence. I've partied with coworkers, people that I supervised after work, I made it clear, I'm your boss first...if they bring it back to work it may shake down the way they expected.
Workplace situations can be a pressurecooker for those who are involved, but unhappy with their current relationship. I've seen it, witnessed it and without exception it's not been a good outcome.
Speaking for myself, I keep it very defined and never regretted it. There are many other social opportunities which are structured as such. Workplace isn't, not saying don't, just use extreme caution. If it were me, I'd be so out of there, it wouldn't even be a question. Just saying....... | |
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| Would It Have Been Silly -?
Posted: 11/2/2009 10:55:35 PM | | I can understand the indirect manner, but myself if someone beat around the bush and tried to get info. In an indirect manner I usually supported there thought, unless they directly asked me, straight out. For example: I had one woman ask, your really nice, we should go out sometime, if your girlfriend ok with it. I turned around and said, she wouldn't mind. I was single at the time, but I wanted her to directly ask if I was single, then be casual about it. Passion counts ladies, let see some nerves. | |
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