| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:28:16 PM | One of the things in life that is the hardest to deal with is not knowing why something happened. Sometimes that is the last thing that is to be dealt with after going through all the details of a situation and sorting things out.
This "not knowing why" can fall into many categories, but since this is a dating site, let's keep it in the category of relationships. Why did that person treat you the way they did? Why did he or she cheat on you? Why was he or she abusive? Why did they just up and disappear when things were looking like a go?
"Why" can be asked in so many relationship situations, but we really don't ask that question unless something negative has happened that we need closure on.
I''m attempting to compile tips on how to cope with not knowing why. So what is your advise? How have you coped? Are there steps that you went through to accept that you'll never know the reason why? Are you satisfied with how you dealt with this? Did you actually find out the reason why on something and how did you do it? | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:49:57 PM | Understand that every being on the planet is a unique compendium of all that they have experienced.
Therefore, "What is the most valuable thing you possess?"
It's your experiences...because only you...with your perceptions, your understanding, your precise moments in life, can catalog those experiences in your soul. And that's what makes you a uniquely different person.
You cannot possibly comprehend all the reasons someone would love you and is in constant communication with you.
How could you comprehend the reasons someone didn't love you and no longer interacts with you.
===========================================
On another note...I heard "5 Sure Fire Clues he/she is a Player" on the radio this morning. What a joke.
Honestly, and knowing I have all the knowledge that...if I choose to, I could've easily been a player...the 5 tips were sooooo far off it was ridiculous.
Here's the net:net...it's what's in their heart that makes the difference between a player and a lover...and darlin', you can't know that until you get to know a little bit about what's in their heart.
Wanna start a support group of all the reasons why "they" do the things they do...oooooooppppsss, forgot there already were several...Lucky's, Club 33, Stadium? Wanna do one without alcohol and everybody "trying to hard to appear to have a good time"...that's another story.
| |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/2/2009 1:53:56 PM | | What is the big deal in knowing why someone did what they did? Just learn from it and move on. Life is waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy to short to obsess over the past. Live for today and not yesterday and tomorrow will be brighter yet. | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:02:40 PM | I learned to cope with not knowing why by simply accepting ,the event as part of life as it was supposed to be. I have worked to invest time in what I can know about believing the return on my investment will always be greater than time spent dealing with why.
I also firmly believe that most people do not have the capacity to process life's events when they do know why, and those events are the ones I have an opportunity to learn from. | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/2/2009 2:12:03 PM | | I agree Vision... and no one has brought God or their "higher power" into this. He does things in our lives and we are left to wonder why w/o getting an answer and just have to accept it. No matter what we do. | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:10:08 PM |
You cannot possibly comprehend all the reasons someone would love you and is in constant communication with you.
How could you comprehend the reasons someone didn't love you and no longer interacts with you.
Mr. Dub, isn't this the essence of what this wondering why is all about? I think we can think of lots of reasons why people might love us and be in constant communication with us. That is not the hard part of the equation. It's when the negatives start showing up, and I think it all boils down to the question, why didn't he or she love me?
Hence, the coping part. We have to be able to accept that somebody doesn't want us. This is a terrific blow to the ego because this happens AFTER someone knows us better, and your emotions go haywire until you can sometimes know the reason why or can cope with not knowing why. Perhaps how we do cope is that in time, the whole thing doesn't matter anymore. It's irrelevant to our lives at that point in time whereas it meant everything in a time gone by. The other person no longer fits into your life. | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/2/2009 6:16:56 PM | | Coping ...........making sense of the events in our dating life? Really the world can be a crazy place. Part of getting by is learning to move along and avoid the damage this crazy world inflicts. Why would i care about the one that didn't make me smile? Coping is knowing when to move along and say goodbye! | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/2/2009 8:15:20 PM | This thread reminds me of what a friend sent me a long time ago.
PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring t he relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant . | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/2/2009 11:06:19 PM | I wonder why alot, I wonder what I did wrong.
I thought I treated her like gold, I would have never cheated, But she did many times.
I dont understand how some people can hurt those that they love, unless they never loved them to begin with. | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/3/2009 9:19:20 AM |
I would have never cheated, But she did many times.
flathunter, probably the reason why on these kind of things is just plain selfishness and self-centeredness. Cheaters are only thinking of themselves and not the people that they hurt. It makes no difference to them, they just want what they want, but they also want to keep their partners as well for their own purposes, so cheating is normally done in secret.
I know that doesn't help very much with the hurt but might help explain it. | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/3/2009 12:35:13 PM | And sometimes cheaters cheat as a cry for attention that they aren't getting from a relationship.
It's not always about the cheater...sometimes people push you away and it's not even about the person. It's about alcohol or a bad job or a drama filled life or a lack of a vision about the future or lack of a feeling of self-worth.
A person who expresses love is only half the equation, they still need to be able to express receipt of that love...and there are a ton of people who don't know how to take that honest emotion and build upon it.
| |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/3/2009 1:20:59 PM |
they still need to be able to express receipt of that love
Not sure I am following you on this. More input please.
I'm thinking that there needs to be a separation of the emotion of regret from the mental issue of not knowing why. For me, regret seems to be a separate issue. I might not know the reason why something happened, but without regret coming into the picture, I am much more able to cope with not knowing. But when regret comes into the picture, there is where the emotional anguish kicks in. There seems to be so many emotions involved in not knowing that perhaps it is easier to deal with each element at a time.
Here's the thing, how do you stop regretting something? | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:47:46 PM | I agree with the CEO...life is way to short!!! Sometimes we aren't meant to know all the reasons why... In each relationship there always is SOMETHING good. People are meant to give "gifts" to each other. There is a reason for each season of our life...we learn and move on...
Never let someone destroy your ability to love ....and love in return!
   | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/3/2009 2:57:26 PM | I don't need to know the why. I just need to understand that the person that said that they loved me more than likely has no concept of what that word really means.
I think that is a large part of the reason that we see the breakups that we see. People don't truly understand what the word Love truly means. Or they have used it so much that they have forgotten that it is a word that is like a promise. Not something that is to be given lightly or often.
Again self accountability and self responsibility are two things that are needed to understand how a relationship truly works. The give and take of it if you will. | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/3/2009 3:47:51 PM | | I just try to focus on today and not yesterday, what somebody did to me in the past should stay there, I am not with them for a reason, and that reason is in the past. I look forward to today and also what tomorrow might bring, that is how I try to deal with the "why" issue. I think it would drive me mad to keep revisiting all the stuff in my past when the future looks so bright!!! | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/3/2009 6:02:41 PM | | It is very hard to second guess another...just enjoy your life and move on.....my moto... | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/3/2009 7:40:21 PM |
Here's the thing, how do you stop regretting something?
Regret (emotion), an intelligent or emotional dislike for personal past acts and behaviors.
Regret (decision theory), the difference between expected loss and actual loss
Why regret what's done?
My guess is you're now ranging between (un)expected loss and actual loss.
But the truth is, emotional breakups are really no different than a death of a loved one...it's the sudden, wrench away of your future that is so painful. Go do some reading on The Five Phase of Grief / Kibler-Ross (Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression, Acceptance). Then recognize there is a 6th phase...Emergence...that's really where you want to get to. Happy reading.
| |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/4/2009 3:57:41 AM | | Better decisons before a relationship might be the key to avoid regretting. Why make the same mistakes over and over again? Why do people cope with not making good choices? Perhaps the lesson is to slow down and leatrn from the past. | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/4/2009 4:14:27 AM |
I dont understand how some people can hurt those that they love, unless they never loved them to begin with
I think you hit the nail on the head, just because someone says "I love you" doesn't make it so. Love is a verb not a noun. It is something we DO not just something we SAY. If you love someone, you do whatever you can not to hurt it or damage it. Doesn't matter if it is a mate, a family member, your dog, you take care of it, you value it, you do whatever you can to make sure it is happy and you would sooner be hurt yourself than see someone you love hurt. So it stands to reason that if someone cheats on you or treats you very badly they CANNOT really love you. They are only saying the words you want to hear. JMHO | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/4/2009 8:47:58 AM |
Regret (emotion), an intelligent or emotional dislike for personal past acts and behaviors.
Regret (decision theory), the difference between expected loss and actual loss
Why regret what's done?
My guess is you're now ranging between (un)expected loss and actual loss.
Mr. Dub, this is very helpful. Thank you.
It is a good thing to weigh the (un)expected loss with the actual loss. The difference between expectations and reality. I'm beginning to see that much of what we regret falls into the expectations category. We lose what we expected, but we really have lost nothing in what was real because there was no reality.
just because someone says "I love you" doesn't make it so
Herein lies what is real and what is not real. We expect that when someone says I Love You, that this is the reality. But in many cases, this love is not real and when we lose that person, we really have lost nothing that we really had. We've only lost what we expected. But expectations are not real either and can be based upon a whole boatload of parameters that we've accumulated during our lifetimes.
Based upon this line of thinking, I would say that a lot of times we actually are feeling regret over nothing. This actually puts things into perspective for me as I go back and clear up some loose ends during my lifetime. | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/4/2009 12:14:38 PM | Ahhhh...she sees, with eyes wide open.
Think of regret similar to grieving (the loss of a loved one).
Why are you grieving? Their physical body no longer feels angst or pain or loss. They have no concept of loss. Who are you grieving for. It's you that feels the loss...the loss of future...the loss of a connection with someone who cared about you. Would you grieve if they didn't care about you?
Grief is your own personal feeling about the loss of future. To take that a step further...loss about things you were anticipating (in the future) to happen. These "anticipations" were based upon all the history of the past, the promises made and your own personal belief in these promises. Like it or not, the simple word for all this is "fantasies"...your imaginings about things that have not yet happened.
When you lose a partner, through a breakup or through death, it is like cutting through thousands of 'heart strings' that tied your heart to the future with some other person. That's WHY it hurts so damn much...you've just had thousands of very real connections to your heart and mind get severed...or shredded...or uprooted...or torn asunder. IOW, no two losses are ever the same. No one has the same set heart strings as we each develop our own based on every bit of experience available to us.
| |
|
| |
| |
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/4/2009 5:06:17 PM |
Ahhhh...she sees, with eyes wide open
Yes, I, too, am impressed more and more with Mr. Dub's insights. I thank him very much for his input and assist in seeing! I do enjoy engaging him on these forums, poking and prodding his mind much like a pseudo-forum nemesis. (Me thinks there might be a big 'ol teddy bear in there, though.)
I looked online for the Love Language books at my local library and find that there are actually two books on the subject by Gary D. Chapman. They are: "The five love languages : how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate," and "The five love languages : singles edition." Bet libraries and bookstores are going to find a run on these books from Ohio POF members.
I'll post what I find out in these books. | |
|
| Coping with not knowing why
Posted: 11/4/2009 7:37:49 PM | Darlin'...it's at most a 2 night read. Don't try to put a Reader's Digest spin on what is a great enlightenment on the subject. It would like if I gave you my recipe for Chicken Ruby...and then you opted to sub the minced onions for dried onions and nutmeg for the cinnamon...it AIN'T the same.
Besides, this book is much more valuable to share...and if someone isn't open to sharing this with you...uhhh, why are they there?
Oh...and before the POFers go running to the library...understand, this is a book by a Christian Psychologist...and I'm somewhat beyond Zen or New Age on the religious spectrum...yet it is so uniquely pristine in its clarity, it doesn't matter whether you're a Charismatic Christian, a Hassidic Jew, a Muslim, or a Shiite Catholic.
| |
|
Home
login 
